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They looked out into the darkness.
He could see nothing.
Darkness enveloped him, endless, empty darkness.
“Hello?” Their voice echoed, bouncing off of the non-existence walls.
They felt like the room was full of shallow water, making the dark floor shiny.
“Helloo?” He called again, taking a step forward.
Nothing.
Just more empty darkness.
He took another step. The ground seemed to ripple beneath his feet.
He started walking, He wasn’t scared.
The void was unknown, yet familiar.
Before he knew it, he was running, feeling the wind rush through his hair.
He tripped, landing face first into the viscous liquid, It didn’t hurt.
It didn’t even feel like ground. He felt like he was floating.
They got back up, stumbling as they pushed themself up with my arms off of the ‘ground’.
None of the liquid stayed on his face. Not even a residue was left behind.
He looked up. A house now stood in front of him.
It definitely wasn’t there before. They looked around, panicked.
Nobody else was standing outside.
They slowly approached the door.
The house was small, grey bricks and a deep blue gabled roof.
A wooden, plain door and a small window with closed curtains.
They gently grabbed the door handle.
He sighed, closing their eyes, pushing open the light door.
They curled in closer, pulling the blankets closer to himself.
The alarm blared loudly, He groaned, covering their head with the blanket.
“Shadowsight!” He heard puddleshine yell from the other room.
He grumbled, still half asleep.
The door slammed open.
Puddleshine slammed his hand down on the alarm, silencing it firmly.
“Shadowsight, be up in a few minutes. You have to go collect herbs later.” Puddleshine told him.
He was a lot calmer now. He had always hated the sound of the alarm.
He turned over, stretching as far as he could in their bed.
Blinking his eyes open, they stared at the ceiling.
They spent most of their time in their room, especially after everything with Ashfur, but it wasn't like they didn't stay busy, they had plenty of boring medicine cat work to do at their desk.
Being a medicine cat sometimes meant they had to meadiate things too especially with cats outside of the clan
He pulled himself out of bed, yawning widely.
Their dream flashed in the back of my mind but he didn't think too hard about it.
It wasn’t like he could have visions anymore anyway.
He quickly put on some clothes, just a plain white t-shirt, hoodie and some jeans.
When he walked into the main room of the medicine den, Puddleshine was waiting.
He stood in the kitchen, looking over all of the herbs and plants they kept in the cupboard and on hooks to dry.
He pulls his head out of the cupboard.
“Alright, it’s leafbare so of course we’re low on everything… how about you go out in the northern part of the territory and grab as many different plants as you can and I’ll go to Thunderclan to ask about their catmint supply, since they already know our usual place is out and catmint is important this time of year.”
Gullswoop coughed from where she sat in one of the nests in the medicine den for sick patients, her cough was currently mild.
We should definitely keep some with us then.
Shadowsight nodded, turning to leave the den.
“Oh and take someone with you!” Puddlshine called as Shadowsight walked out, grabbing two bags on the way out to make it easier to carry things.
Sunbeam walked up to them when he came out, she seemed in a huff about something.
“Shadowsight!” She plastered on the widest smile she could. “Need someone to go with you to collect herbs?” He was slightly unsettled by her smile but handed her the other bag anyway.
They both walked in silence for a few minutes as Sunbeam calmed down.
“So what are we getting today?” She asked, keeping pace with him.
“Anything we can find.” He told her.
Snow hadn’t quite fallen properly yet but it was still cold.
That would likely explain Sunbeams gloves and scarf. Maybe he should wrap up warmer next time.
“Cool, cool…” She trailed off, slowing down slightly.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, stopping to allow her to catch up.
Sunbeam hesitated, her expression unreadable.
“C’mon Sunbeam, spill. Is it about Lightleap?” Shadowsight smirked.
“Yes actually.” That actually surprised Shadowsight a bit. “And Blazefire… I think they were flirting with each other earlier…” She continued.
“Oooh… Have you not asked him out yet?” Shadowsight asked, continuing to walk.
“...No, I haven't but I thought we had something special.” She told him.
They spent a few hours collecting every edible plant they could find in the woods.
They gossiped about anything and everything, rambling like little girls as they grabbed all of the plants they could find.
“Hey… Are you feeling ok?” Sunbeam suddenly asked, still sloppily shoving plants into their messenger bag.
Shadowsight looked up at her carefully. They didn’t really know what to say. They had been so engrossed with the wonderful smells of the flowers and herbs that he almost forgot she was there.
“Somethings on your mind, right?” She said moving a lot closer to him. “I’ve known you my whole life, I can tell something is distracting you. More than usual.” Shadowsight scoffed, they didn’t have to add that last part.
“It was just a nightmare, Sunbeam. I’m fine.” Shadowsight tried to assure her, raising his arms sheepishly.
Sunbeam just looked more concerned, her brow furrowing with worry. “Are you sure? I’m sure you could talk to Jayfeather just to make sure. You’ve always told me he was the dream expert.”
Shadowsight looked to the floor, a weird nostalgic feeling building in their gut. They couldn’t quite put their finger on it.
“Yeah, maybe” Shadowsight agreed, sighing through closed eyes, “but I can’t exactly have visions anymore, so I don’t see-”
When he looked back, she was gone. So was the familiar, earth-smelling pine forest and the quiet birdsong.
The house stood before him again, in a void of lifeless black ink, the blue and grey house stood out like a sore thumb.
Shadowsight froze, his hairs rising.
The door was open now and warm light flooded out.
“Hello?” They called from where they stood, their legs frozen where they stood.
No response.
Like he was possessed, Shadowsight felt as though his legs were moving on their own, cruelly guiding them into the strange house.
They stood on the straw door mat, a crude ‘welcome’ painted on it in black ink.
The floor was wood and laminated.
The room was a conjoined living room and kitchen.
The kitchen was clean with used dishes in the sink and the sofa looked warm and plush. The TV was on, showing a human reality TV show that involved a lot of yelling.
A cat sat lazily on the sofa, their tail flicking dreamily, wolfing down a bag of salted crisps like they had been starving for a week.
“Ashfur!” They stopped tipping the crisps down their throat, slowly turning and looking at Shadowsight with terrifying blue eyes.
I couldn’t freeze anymore!
This wasn’t the time!
They stumbled backwards, their hands sub-consciously wrapping around a vase that sat on a table by the door.
Before a rational thought could enter their brain, they threw the vase full force at Ashfur's face. It shattered on impact, knocking him off the sofa.
He woke up to Sunbeam nervously standing over him. Too scared to touch them.
Shadowsight groaned, blinking slowly.
They shot up. Almost knocking Sunbeam back, they got up quickly.
“Shadowsight? What happened? I think you just had a seizure! Was that a vision? But I thought Starclan said you couldn’t have those anymore!?” Sunbeam cried as he started to walk away, back to camp.
Their nose was running like a tap and felt like it had been hit with something hard.
He must’ve hit it when he fell.
Shadowsight burst into the medicine den, no matter how much he wiped away the blood it still trickled down his face.
They’d sent Sunbeam back to their warrior duties. They would update them later but right now it was strictly medicine cat duties and Sunbeam couldn’t be involved.
“Puddlshine!” It was only after Shadowsight opened his mouth that he realised. Puddleshine had gone out earlier.
Shit, shit shit.
Shadowsight took a deep breath, this was fine. He put down the bags, he didn’t have time to sort out the herbs yet.
They ran out of the medicine den, not even bothering to try fixing their nose before running off to Thunderclan.
Shadowsight just had to hope their dad wasn’t too mad about them leaving without letting him know first.
Unfortunately, by the time they had run to thunderclan camp, blood still barely trickled out their nose, it had already stained part of his hoodie.
Luckily, whoever was supposed to be on guard wasn’t standing directly in front of the bushes protecting and shadowsight burst right through them, almost falling on his face the second he entered Thunderclan camp. All of the cats in Thunderclan turned to look at him. Some with their fur bristled; others with confusion plastered on their face.
He took a second to catch his breath.
“I need to speak to- Jayfeather.” He panted through laboured breaths.
Alderheard popped his head out of the medicine den, concern evident on his face from Shadowsight’s condition.
“Oh, I’m sorry Shadowsight, he’s out looking for catmint with Puddleshine. What is it you need him for, exactly?” Alderheart asked, as Shadowsight firmly wiped the blood off his top lip, drying his arm off on his now horribly stained hoodie.
He hesitated, he couldn’t just let everyone know that he’d have a vision, even he could tell this can only mean bad news. “Herb stuff.” His eyes didn’t leave Alderhearts, staring daggers into the confused and concerned medicine cat.
“...Right, come in and get cleaned up at least. They’ll be back soon.” Alderheart told him.
Shadowsight was still breathing deeply as he walked toward the medicine den, he knew Alderheart knew he was lying but since they’re both medicine cats they know it’s unwise to bring that up in front of the entire clan.
He sat down on one of the sick beds they had in the thunderclan medicine den.
Alderheart came over with a ball of moss, gently pressing it against Shadowsight's nose. “What’s wrong?” He asked, crouching down slightly to be on Shadow’s level.
He hesitated, unsure if he should say anything.
Shadowsight looked up at Alderheart, directly into his amber eyes.
They can’t just not tell them now. “I had a really weird dream… about Ashfur.”
Alderheart's face relaxed slightly. “Oh, like a nightmare. That’s fine then, it’s not like you can have visions anyway.” Even though he was telling the truth, Shadowsight still felt a pang of guilt.
A voice spoke from the den entrance. “That’s what you came to bother my apprentice with?” Jayfeather stood at the doorway, somehow looking angrier than normal. Puddlshine stood next to him, a bundle of catmint in his arms.
“No, no, there’s more, I-” Shadowsight scrambled "After that, I had a seizure and saw him again… but it wasn’t like a normal vision. It felt like he’s still alive somewhere.” Shadowsight stared at Alderheart, trying to read his kind face.
“That’s nonsense, Shadowsight. We both know Ashfur is dead.” Jayfeather huffed, walking over to thunderclan’s plentiful herb shelves and sorting through them absent mindedly.
“Well then at the very least there’s something wrong with me.” Shadowsight took a few steps toward him, silently begging him to care.
“It’s expected you would have nightmares about him after what he did” Jayfeather dismissed them with a flick of his tail.
“But this wasn’t a nightmare! Trust me, I know what a nightmare feels like. They’re never normally like this. You’re the dream expert, you have to know something.”
“Shadowsight.” Jayfeather groaned.
Shadowsight was in front of him now, staring daggers into jayfeathers as though the cat could see. “You aren’t listening, even if it’s just a nightmare and I’m going insane, I shouldn’t be seizing. Surely, there is something I can do.”
Jayfeather rolled his eyes. “Yeah, talk to starclan.”
Silence hung over them for a few seconds. Shadowsights eyes contricted into slits, his tail stilling and hairs rising. “You think I haven’t already fucking thought of that! I would love to! I would love to take the easy way out and go crying to my mummy whenever I have trouble! But I can’t! Because of Ashfur!” Jayfeather took a step back, genuinely surprised by Shadowsight's sudden outburst. “So… I’m sorry if I go try to ask for help from someone that is physically capable of actually fucking talk to me!” Shadowsight was crying now, spitting his words out as he screamed.
He felt disgusted with himself. Yelling at a senior medicine cat, no doubt loudly enough that the whole clan heard. Tigerstar was going to kill him.
He was out of the camp before anyone could stop him. Screw them, screw everything. He could fix this himself, he didn’t need their shit.
His nose was no longer bleeding now and their tears had all but dried. He walked sheepishly back into camp. He was stiff, his father caught his eye.
He just stood there and numbly listened as he berated him, looking at the ground half-ignoring his father.
He knew he was just worried, but it still hurt.
He felt tired, exhausted even. He wanted to lie down. He needed to lie down.
After what felt like hours Tigerstar gave up trying to berate him, he could see it on Shadowight's face. He wasn’t paying attention to him.
Shadowsight was finally free to lie down. They downed a glass of water, splashing their face after.
It wasn’t that late, they had no reason to be so tired.
They walked back into their room, slumping down into their chairs at their desk.
He stared at his ceiling as his tail wrapped around his waist, trying to comfort him.
Goddamit! How could I be so stupid! Yelling at Jayfeather! A senior medicine cat! I must have a deathwish, I must be insane.
Tigerstar doesn’t even know yet and I’m already in trouble.
I haven’t even told Sunbeam I’m ok, I just walked away.
She’s probably still worried, but I can’t move.
If I move I’ll make it worse, I always make things worse.
Always. Always. Always.
Just making things worse.
Just hurting people.
That’s all I ever do.
And now Ashfurs could be back.
It’s all in my head, It has to be.
It’s just in my head.
Just like Jayfeather said.
He’s right.
All in my head.
Just in my head.
It’s not real.
Stop worrying.
I’m fine.
It’s not real.
It can’t be.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Not real.
Shut up.
They sighed, his tail going limp at his side.
They stood up, stretching toward the sky.
They silently wiped the tears from their eyes, going to their bathroom to clean their face.
In the bathroom mirror, their dull eyes looked tired. Eyebags dark and prominent.
Wet streaks stretched down their face, snot leaking slightly from their small nose. They could taste salt and iron from where they’d bitten their lip, trying to stifle their cries.
They wiped off their face. Taking out a dock paste that puddleshine had given them after he’d seen Shadowsights arms all the way back just after ‘Bramblestars’ identity was revealed.
He applied it to their arms, over the shallow, but angry red marks from where Shadowsight had erratically clawed into themself. It didn’t sting.
Next they took out a rather large container of poppy seed, about half full.
Shadowsight had always made sure that puddleshine didn’t find it. He’d be concerned, he really shouldn’t be. Shadowight can handle a little poppy seed.
He took out a heaped handful, swallowing as much as he could before washing the rest of the small seeds down with a handful of water.
They licked their lips, wiping away the wet residue and blood.
Shadowsight yawned, he felt dazed.
His arms stung… his face felt strangely moist. He stared at himself in the mirror, bright but lifeless eyes staring back.
He stepped out of the bathroom, his head reeling from all the crying.
I should go find Sunbeam, I still haven’t apologised for running off.
Shadowsight walked toward the medicine den kitchen, Puddleshine still wasn't back yet. Shadowsight couldn’t even smell him… maybe he was busy flirting with Alderheart again.
Sunbeam stood in the empty doorway between the kitchen and living room, pacing back and forth.
When she saw him, she ran over and grabbed his face.
“Oh, Shadowsight! I was so worried.” She hugged them tightly, not letting them get a word in.
“I haven’t told Tigerstar what happened yet, I was sure you’d want to talk to him yourself but when you came back you looked really out of it, so I didn’t want to interrupt you.”
Shadowsight took a second to gather his thoughts. “I’m fine,” He tried to assure her, but she didn’t look convinced.
“Are you sure? Your arms look pretty beat. Did you fall into a bush or something?” She smiled, maybe trying to lighten the mood. Shadowsight felt his stomach drop like a pit. “Oh! Yes! A BUSH! It really hurts so you should go so I can fix it.” He lied through his teeth.
Sunbeam looked disappointed. “I’m here if you need to talk.” He stared at the floor as she turned and walked out. Shadowsight was really thankful she listened to him.