Work Text:
Zanka
Everything was getting harder.
He was supposed to train Rudo today but he couldn’t get out of bed, there are no missions so he can coop up all he wants.
Memories keep invading his mind, the kind that he wishes he could just forget.
He keeps remembering his siblings, his father, his old classmates…Enjin’s face when he saw Zanka with Jabber.
The looks they all gave him some were confused others were disgusted but all of them had the same undertone, disappointed.
Disappointed as if they expected more from him, as if him becoming a giver was a crime, as if him loving Jabber was wrong.
Enjin had since warmed up to Jabber but it’s not like Zanka could forget that look on Enjin’s face looking at him with such disappointment even though it was barely there Zanka saw it.
He felt childish for even thinking like this, for feeling like this. He felt as if he shouldn't be feeling like this.
He should be out there training Rudo…or sparing with Jabber…or chatting in the dining hall with everyone else not cooped up in his room staring at the wall remembering how pathetic he is.
His family always was correct, he was nothing but a pathetic stain on the family name.
He was so pathetic, lying there under his blanket and curled around Assistaff as if she could heal his mind.
She was always there for him, she formed to protect him from himself anyway. He felt so comforted with her just being near him but comfort can only go so far before thoughts take over.
He hugged Assistaff trying to forget the feeling of his wrists being empty and almost numb while his mind kept racing with how pathetic he was.
He glanced at the side table right beside his bed, he kept a blade there he hasn't used in about 6 months.
He reached over opening the drawer to grab out the adorable cat paw shaped box cutter that made him giggle slightly recalling how it had been gifted to him.
Riyo had jokingly gotten it for him a year ago saying it reminded her of him because he was so serious like a grumpy kitty and he needed something cute.
He did feel quite horrible about using such a gift for this but at least he was using it in a plenty practical way and it was clean anyway.
He also kept disinfectant wipes in his drawer too so he didnt have to force himself to get up.
He sat up and placed the box cutter to the side as he lovingly picked Lovely Assistaff to the side with a few extra kisses than needed and a lingering hand on her blue stained wood.
She looked beautiful but he had to tear his eyes away so that he didn’t feel any more guilty than he already did.
Finally he picked the adorable box cutter back up and brought it to his wrist, the first cut was always the hardest but after he started it was never too bad.
One came then next thing he knew he was light headed and his wrist was covered up to his elbow.
This is how it usually was, he didn’t feel like doing the other arm and his mind was finally quiet so he reached to grab his wipes and started at his arm.
It stung a little but everything felt a bit damped, he just wanted to finish this up quickly and go back into the safety of sleep.
He finally finished up and hid everything back in the drawer, his bleeding had slowed down but he still didn’t feel good enough to touch Assistaff.
He wouldn’t forgive himself if he dirtied her so much.
He laid back down and hugged his pillow instead of Assistaff not caring for the blood now staining his white pillow and sheets.
He was just so tired, he might as well sleep more.
Sleep was the only thing he could do right anyway.
He woke up what seemed multiple to some knocking on his window, he knew that noise very well.
His Jabber was there for a visit, this was their usual at this point but Zanka looked like complete shit at the moment.
He sat up slowly and pulled on a hoodie he had been given by August to model and August had him keep it though it was a little big.
It rubbed against the cuts slightly but Zanka didn't mind too much it was at most mildly annoying.
He contemplated just leaving Jabber out there, it was so comfy in his bed he didn’t want to move but he did it anyway and opened the window sending Jabber tumbling onto him while giggling.
”Zan-zan!”, Jabber had Zanka on the floor with Jabbers head in the crook of Zankas neck nuzzling slightly.
”Hey Jabs…” Zanka couldn’t help but feel like he didnt deserve this. Jabber was stunning but Zanka was like this.
Jabber raised his head looked right into Zankas eyes and it kind of felt like he was looking into Zankas soul.
Usually he would bat Jabber away with a huff and insult but he just couldn’t it felt like his usual mind was weighed down by lead.
Like there was a weighted blanket over his feelings and everything about him, he felt like he wasn’t himself but thats okay he wasn’t good enough anyway.
He quickly turned his head away.
“Ya okay Zan-Zan?” Jabber, ever the observant person saw right through Zanka but of course Zanka was never the very best at hiding this kind of stuff from Jabber.
”…” Zanka thought if he should lie or not for a second before deciding that he didn't want Jabber to see him as weak, “M’ fine, Jabber. M’ jst tired.”
Jabber let him get up and go back to the bed, it was so comfy.
Jabber went over with him just watching him, Zanka knew Jabber had never been the best at comforting people so Zanka didn’t want to pressure him or make him uncomfortable.
He didn't want to be a burden, a weak burden. Burdens were to be discarded and so were the weak, he didn't want Jabber to leave.
He laid back down shutting his eyes as Jabber climbed onto bed getting right behind Zanka and pulling him so Zanka was using Jabbers chest as a pillow from behind.
Jabber was sitting behind him with Zanka lying in front of him and on him with the cleaners head on his chest.
Zanka didn’t quite mind until Jabber moved his hands under Zankas shirt and jacket to hold Zankas bare waist.
Jabbers hands were like ice and Mankira wasn’t much better coldness wise so the cold forced Zanka to flinch and glare weakly at Jabber.
”Are ya sick, Mr. Bad Attitude?” Jabber asked out of the blue making Zanka glare a little harder before shutting his eyes again.
”m’ jst’ tired, Jabs” Zanka was tired so it technically wasn’t a lie, but of course Jabber knew everything already that damn perfect genius was too good at reading people.
”Mhm…is it cause of blood loss cause the pillow and sheets are kinda soaked”, Zanka had forgotten to hide that and looked clearly alarmed.
”Shut up, m’ fine Scuzzball.” He closed his eyes as Jabber went still.
Jabber was trying his best to figure out how to comfort Zanka.
Jabber had never really been comforted sometimes Cthoni would sit with him during bad trips or when his emotions would go haywire but that wasn’t the kind Zanka needed.
Zanka had once helped him during a horrible trip but it was hard to remember how, he remembers Zankas distant voice and the cleaners hands massaging his head which did put Jabber to sleep somehow.
He thought more going through possibilities, he knew Zanka liked physical affection which is what he was already doing it so that means what is left is praise.
Zanka did always get all giggly and happy whenever Jabber praised how strong he was or how pretty he was.
He decided to attempt everything he knew so he took a deep breath and hoped this would work.
”It’s okay Zan-Zan…Yer so strong”, Zanka glared at him a little bit confused but Jabber continued, “You always get stronger after each fight, honestly yer never boring to fight. Always adaptin’ nd’ going hard on me”
He didnt quite know what else to praise Zanka on, sure he loved everything about Zanka but he always responded the best to praise about his strength.
”Ya handle Lovely so well too, always hit so hard and shes so pretty too,” he felt Zanka shaking a bit before turning to hide his face in Jabbers torso with his shoulder shaking, “Ya take such good care of her, ya take such good care of me too.”
He felt Zankas arms snake their way around him gripping onto Jabber as if he would jump right out the window if Zanka let go.
“I bet Lovely agrees with me about how good you are…yer the best of the best Zan-Zan”, finally Zanka raised his head slightly.
His eyes were glassy as he forced out, “Jst shut yer mouth, Scuzzball”, his voice was shaky but he didn’t pull away if anything he pulled Jabber closer.
He put his face into Jabbers torso again before relaxing, “Ya smell horrible, take a shower in the mornin’”
Jabber could feel some of the now dried blood rubbing against him when Zanka moved his hands but Jabber didn’t really care.
He realized he almost forgot something and put a hand on Zankas head and began massaging his scalp making Zanka sigh.
It was so comfortable Zanka couldn’t help it. His mind was quiet again and he felt all warm.
He swore he would just shut his eyes for a few minutes then beat Jabbers ass.
Jabber felt quite proud of himself when Zankas breathing steadied and his body got a little bit heavier.
Zanka didn’t know how long he was out but it was light out now and Jabber seemed to be talking to someone since he was moving a bit.
Zanka felt a shadow looming over the two of them since some of the light was blocked.
He moved his hands out of Jabbers clothing and wiped off his face so he could open his eyes which were a little swollen but when he moved Jabber stopped talking seeming to move a little to block Zanka from whoever it was.
Zanka didn’t know why till he opened his eyes and saw which hand he was using, the one whose wrist was all cut up and quickly put it into his lap to have it all covered.
He looked past Jabber and saw Enjin looking down at the two of them with a raised brow.
”Sooo…you two have fun last night”, it was clear what Enjin thought they did, “I mean I don't really care as long as the both of you are safe but-“
”ENJiN”, Zankas voice cracked horribly making him sound like a tea kettle for a second but he didn’t care he just wanted Enjin to stop talking.
His face was horribly red making him look like he had just eaten a hot pepper and Jabbers face was also red but for very different reasons.
Jabber, in classic Jabber fashion, was trying his best not to laugh and failing with little bursts of air coming out of his mouth and his face turning red.
Enjin was looking down at the two before raising both his hands in his defense, “Aye I said I didn’t care!”
“Enjin…we didn’t I mean like uhm” Zanka was struggling to speak and Jabber was struggling to breathe now that he buried his face into a pillow and began laughing his ass off.
“We don't do that stuff Enjin!”, Enjin nodded slightly and glared down at Jabber.
”Mhm…okay yeah.”, he wasn’t buying it.
“So another thing Zanka, how many times have you snuck him in.” It was a random question that Enjin had been wanting to ask for awhile.
Jabber was unable to answer since he was still catching his breath and Zanka was blind sighted.
Zanka tried to think bringing up a hand to touch the back of his neck, a habit he picked up as a child to relieve some stress in social situations.
“Uhm…I lost count.” Is all he could say before Enjin seemed to focus in on his arm.
Jabber had finally sat back up panting ever so slightly still with a giant smile on his face before he realized what Enjin was looking at, Zankas wrist.
Zanka kept forgetting since it felt pretty numb and he didn't realize for a solid few seconds and when he did he put his hand back down into his lap.
”Zanka what was that.” Zanka was done for he was going to die, he didn't even want to look at Enjin's face he could hear how disappointed Enjin was.
He just stared into his lap as if it could save him. Enjin was going to realize how pathetic he was and discard him like the hellguard did.
“Nothing.” Zanka replied a little bit too quickly and Jabber quickly moved, almost instinctively, to shield Zanka from Enjins eyes.
Enjin just stared at the two. He wished he would’ve been there for his son stray, he wished that Zanka would’ve just come to him with his feelings rather than harm himself.
Zanka did seem a bit happier though and he didn’t want to be the cause for Zanka to go back down again so he decided it would be best for him to let Zanka and Jabber handle it themselves even if he didn’t quite trust Jabber.
”Okay, just go see Eishia soon and come eat lunch with the team”, with that Enjin turned and left the room leaving Zanka and Jabber alone.
Zanka turned to Jabber and Jabber was grinning ear to ear. Before Zanka could ask why Jabber simply said, “what d’ya think he thought we were doin?”
Zankas face went back to red and he pushed Jabber onto the bed covering his mouth, “Shut up already!”, what Zanka didn't expect was Jabber opening his mouth and licking the cleaners palm.
Zanka recoiled like he was burnt severely with a gasp. He glared down at Jabber and wiped his hand off on Jabbers shirt “yer so damn gross!”
Jabber began giggling again and pulled Zanka down on top of him, “ya know if you ever wanna hurt something just come beat me till yer knuckles burst!”
Zanka couldn’t tell if that was Jabbers attempt at being romantic or if Jabber was just being…well Jabber, but Zankas face still got dusted with pink.
”Tsk fine…” Zanka was fine with that hurting Jabber always made him feel amazing as if he was on some sort of high.
”Lets go shower, the showers are close to my room nd’ no one else showers in the morning.” Zanka got up and began gathering some clothing.
Jabber just stayed on the bed wide eyed before asking, “Ya mean shower with you?”, Zanka just glanced at him and responded.
”Well yeah it’s communal showers they're kinda like open stalls”, Jabber was honestly surprised since running water was quite rare.
He just stared at Zanka for a bit before getting up and following after him. Zanka gave him some spare clothing seemed like a jacket and some sweat pants and they were pretty damn soft.
They both showered and Zanka gave him some spare soaps and such he felt squeaky clean and he kind of smelt like Zanka now since he used Zankas products.
The clothing also smelt like that fancy smoke Zanka always had in his room so it felt quite nice.
Jabber had the day off so he just decided to stay in Zankas room for the day while Zanka went and did his usual stuff.
Zanka left Jabber in his locked room and went to the cafeteria to eat some lunch.
Riyo was laughing with Enjin in front of an embarrassed Rudo who had mainly veggies on his plate even though there were sweets on the line so Zanka could assume what happened.
Rudo was on a sugar ban again.
Zanka grabbed his own food, a light soup and a sandwich.
He sat down with them and Riyo was on him instantly, “Zanka welcome wanna hear what Rudo did this time!”, her voice was nice and welcoming even if a bit loud.
Riyos voice was by far one of his favorite sounds she was his sister best friend anyway.
”Sure, why not, what did he do this time?” Who would pass up on a new story about the gluttonous beast known as Rudo.
Rudo was pouting and his face was flushed as Riyo explained that he tried to take the entire tray of sweets again and stuffed a bunch in his mouth like a hamster when Enjin tried to take it away.
Zanka couldn’t help but laugh behind his hand at Rudos stupidity and gluttony.
“The gluttonous beast cant help himself”, the second that left Zankas mouth Rudos brows furrowed and he huffed out, “Am not!!”
Riyo and Enjin were beginning to laugh again, “Are too! Yer the most gluttonous beast Ive ever met in my life!”
Though Zanka didn’t have the energy for this he did it anyways because Rudos reactions were quite hilarious.
“AM NOT!!”, that went on till Enjin fell out of his seat from laughing and since his arm was slung around Riyo, he brought her with him.
Zanka and Rudo began laughing at that too, they couldn’t help it.
Soon enough they all finished their food and Zanka went to get one of the sweets since he had a plan.
He went back to the table with one cookie, Zanka didn’t even like sweet foods but this was going to be so worth it.
Rudos attention was grabbed and so was Riyos since she knew what he was going to do, “Zanka pfft- he will go crazy-”, Zanka quickly responded with a “oh I know.”
He sat down next to Rudo with the cookie in hand and offered it, “you want it?”, when Rudo reached for it Zanka would move it away.
It progressed to them both standing up and Rudo basically climbing on the taller boy to get it while everyone else was laughing like crazy.
It ended when Zanka put the cookie in his mouth and ate it in front of the now enraged Rudo.
Enjin had to put Rudo in air jail, picked up like a misbehaving kitten, to keep him away from Zanka.
Riyo was loosing it, she was leaned over the table laughing and the only reason Enjin wasn’t doing the same is that he had to make sure Zanka didn’t get mauled by a feral Rudo.
Rudo was basically foaming at the mouth at this point so Zanka just grinned and went back to his room with an extra plate of food in his hand.
He made it back into his room where Jabber was holding Assistaff just examining her.
”Jabber, I’m back”, Zanka walked in and placed the plate down for Jabber and relocked his door.
Jabbers face lit up, “Welcome back Zan-Zan!”, Jabber settled Lovely back onto the bed and began eating the food.
Zanka went to his desk grabbing the wood polish and metal polish, and also some sand paper, two gentle polishing cloths, and some more blue tint going back to sit on the bed.
Jabber finished his food pretty quickly and placed the plate back down watching Zanka begin to touch up the tint, sand down uneven spots, and polish Lovely Assistaff.
When Zanka noticed Jabber was watching he handed Jabber the metal polish and one of the cloths, “For Mankira.”
Jabber looked utterly starstruck for a second before smiling like an idiot, “Thanks Zan-Zan so caring for my darling Mankira!”
Mankira was buzzing more now, usually it was pretty consistent and violent or more calm around Zanka but now she seemed excited.
He took one part of her off at a time and polished them easily but when Zanka looked over he made a ‘tsk’. Jabber glanced at him.
Zanka had finished with Assistaff but she was still in his lap so now he was watching Jabber.
He extended a hand, “may I see her?”, Mankira seemed to vibrate with the same amount of excitement or even more than when she was going to get some blood on her.
Jabber trusted Zanka so he handed a ring over to him with the cloth, “Sure thing Zan-Zan be careful!”, Zanka nodded and throughly began polishing Mankira.
She was so shiny afterwards and Zanka even gave her a tiny kiss after wiping off the last of the polish before handing her back.
“Like that, I can help if ya want, Jabs.” Jabber was just staring at Zanka, he was so amazing.
He just nodded and they spent the next hour polishing Mankira with no talking minus Zanka occasionally praising Mankira or Assistaff.
Mankira seemed to love Zanka maybe more than Jabber did at this point she was vibrating happily every time one part of her was in Zankas hands.
”She likes ya’”, Zanka glanced up before blushing a bit and letting a small smile cross his face, “thats…good to hear.”
He couldn’t help but slightly giggling happily and give Mankira an extra kiss when he was done with the final ring.
Jabber put her on, Mankira was delighted Jabber could feel it in his soul.
Zanka was smiling softly and picked Lovely Assistaff up too hugging her.
This was nice, though he still felt a little odd he could get through this.
Maybe he wasn’t all that pathetic.
Maybe life wasn’t all that bad, he could get better. It would take time but he could do it.