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John wasn’t used to sleeping alone. Everyone else in the tower was accustomed to an empty side of the bed, but it had been decades since the other side of his own remained cold. Since his army days at least. Even then, Lamar remained just a few feet away in the bunk adjacent. Back then, he still had Olivia to look forward to when he went home.
Lately, it him harder in the tower than it did in the "before". When he moved into his apartment, it had felt reminiscent to those early days in the army, or one of his extended missions as US Agent. No matter how many of his calls went ignored, or texts unanswered, it still felt temporary. Like there was some unspoken ‘end date’ to his suffering. If he endured just a few more sleepless, lonely nights then things would eventually fall back into place.
On particularly bad days, he could almost convince himself that he was next to her; that he’d wake up any minute from this nightmare and he’d be met with her warm embrace. But it always left a lingering question of when and more important where.
Where did the nightmare end and life begin? Where would that put him, or them?
Would it be before Olivia left? Sometimes the bitterness got the best of John and he almost hated her for leaving. Sometimes he blamed her for it.
His brain was a pit of self loathing the majority of the time, but every once in a while it made a last bid for self preservation. In those moments, he would convince himself that they were a happy family before it happened. That she took that from him, from them; from his son.
This never lasted too long. He had too much regard for her and too little for himself. And truth be told, he was just as suicidal back then. It’s what started him down the path of destruction in the first place.
Would he go back to before he met Valentina? The next dial of blame always landed on her. John had been in a bad spot before, but that was truly the beginning of the end for him and Liv. Disguised as a beacon of hope, Valentina had pulled him further and further into the darkness. Maybe if he had just taken time like Olivia had begged. Maybe if he had just read between the lines like Olivia had warned. Maybe if he wasn’t so damn stubborn, then he could have let Olivia save them. But Lamar would still be dead regardless, he lamented, because that was before Val. That was all him.
Maybe he’d go back to before he took the serum. Maybe before he got the damn shield at all. Part of him knew, deep down, that this was most likely the answer.
But where would that leave his son? He hadn’t even been conceptualized by that point. Life before ‘Cap’ had been unstable in its own way. They were constantly moving from base to base, and if John's government ties hadn’t been cut, he might never have been home-bound long enough for them to conceive.
Hell, his son had been a surprise even then. But once Olivia broke the news, John had never wanted anything more.
Ultimately, it became obvious that it was less that he was fleeing a nightmare and more that he was chasing a dream. There never existed a world where all the people he missed were alive and together. There was never a reality where he could get everything he wanted. And there never would be.
He could pretend when it was just him and his thoughts, alone on a mission. He had moved out of their too-empty house and into his apartment for the same reason. He hated the reminder of how alone he was.
He couldn’t escape it in the tower. It was one thing to accept that the world was just a miserable place. It was another when there was a constant reminder that it's just you. He was too surrounded by his island of misfits, sidelined as he watched them find their footing. Everyone else was springing to life while he just stayed in place. Everything had changed for them, and he was happy for them. Truly, he was. If anyone on the team deserved the short stick, it was him.
For awhile, the air of optimism had infected him too. With every positive article or appearance, it had felt like a tangible step forward. He was proving his character to the world again, and surely that would bring him a step closer to redemption.
Olivia had called him within the hour of the void incident, and the worry and concern in her voice had done little to curb this false hope. But to his dismay, the communication tapered off shortly thereafter until they were back to the same old missed calls and texts as before.
If being an Avenger wasn’t enough to patch things between them, then maybe they had just ran their course. Maybe John was just too broken to fix. Maybe there wasn’t anything that would be enough to bring him home.
Because John was nothing if not consistent, his bitterness toward the situation had him pushing everyone away the second they started to question if something was wrong. And the only people he had left to push was his team.
John couldn’t blame them when they began resisting less and less. How could he, when his own wife and child had done the same? The acknowledgment didn’t stop the bitterness from festering any less.
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They arrived back at the tower around 8 on the dot. It had been a full week since John had seen a real bed, and he was exhausted to say the least. When they de-boarded onto the tarmac, everyone but John received a warm hug and a cookie, curtesy of Bob.
In Bob’s defense, he had tried to include John more than a handful of times. As the embraces started to turn from just awkward to tense, he started to pause when it came time for John’s turn. Not completely shutting him out, but not necessarily initiating either. Giving John space or an out.
Like clockwork, John would stubbornly take it and refuse. As more time went on, Bob didn’t even pause anymore. After he had hugged the last of the rest of the team, he’d just turn and lead them back toward the tower.
One time, John decided to hang back to test if they’d look and wait, or even notice at all. He knew it wasn’t fair how badly it stung when they didn’t. It still stung now, if he was honest.
John finally accepted that he wasn’t getting any sleep tonight, and he opened his eyes in defeat.
He was met with no a soft body or warm embrace; just the red numbers from his clock blinking angrily back at him. 2:00 A.M. Then 3:00. Then 4:00.
He wasn’t the only insomniac in the tower. Even through the steel tower walls, he could hear Alexei and Ava in the Kitchen if he focused hard enough. He could more easily hear Bob in Yelena’s room, because for some reason, they thought now was a completely respectable time to be this loud. Hell, maybe it was. What did John know?
He knew that they had all finally found a family. Every single one of them, except him.
He knew that he had lost his. It was impossible to pretend otherwise right now. The odd one out.
The thing was, this team, it wasn’t his family but John knew. He knew that if he got up and made his way to Yelena’s door, they’d all welcome him in with arms wide open. He knew that they could never replace what he lost, or fix him, but that they could be good for him too.
But he also knew that he would never make the move. He knew that he would never change. He didn't know if he could.
He didn’t know how to sleep alone, or sleep at all now apparently. He wasn’t running from a nightmare or chasing a dream.
For the first time in a long time, John Walker had accepted he was awake.