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Yes, He's Sleeping On The Couch

Summary:

The leaks began two weeks ago. Lasted only a day and never happened again.

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[Superman: «You do know that I meant what I said, right?»
...

Superman: «That I don't regret sharing my second name with you and Diana»—

Batman: —«Wonder Woman.»
...

Superman: «...B»

Batman:—«I'm well aware Superman. You rarely leave room for doubt.»

Silence persists for a long moment before it is broken by Superman

Superman: «You said telling me your real name wouldn't improve our synergy earlier. You sounded pretty sure of it.»

Batman: «I'm almost always certain.»

Superman: «It sounded like your unique way of telling me I wouldn't like you if I knew you.»
...

Superman: «I would.»
...

Batman: «You're a hopeful man, Kal.»]

 

>>Supergirl's Wench
@supergirl_swench when im in a die hard pinning for my emotionally constipated best friend competition but my opponent is Superman😔💔
29k likes 98 replies

Or conversations through private league channels are leaked to the public, shenanigans ensue

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

The leaks began two weeks ago. Lasted only a day and never happened again. Many presumed it was because Batman dealt with the hackers almost as swiftly as the leaks had occured. That in part, explained why there were only three audio transcripts and one video transcript to work with. A hacker would undeniably be a bit more generous and a failure to do so meant they'd been dealt with.

 

The first didn't reveal too much and many made jokes about the fact that Batman probably had something to do with the lack of use of civilian names.

 

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[Superman: «I'm just saying, B. Knowing each other on a personal level could improve our synergy on the field»—Superman's warm but certain baritone carries through, almost coy in the way it's blatantly manipulative. His words are interrupted by Wonder Woman's subdued but audible chuckles on the same line, something fond as if this isn't the first time this conversation is happening in her presence.

 

Superman: «You both already know who I am»—

 

Batman: «I'd prefer we didn't.»

 

Superman: —«AND I don't regret that one bit.»

...

...

...

Batman: «IF I did share my second identity with you, I sincerely don't believe it would improve our synergy»

 

Superman: —«but»

 

Batman: —«BUT, you wanna know what WOULD improve our synergy?»

 

Superman let's out a low groan just as Wonder Woman bursts out in laughter

 

Batman: —«listening to me when I tell you NOT to charge in headfirst into a target that clearly looks like it's hiding Kryptonite in its crevices. Or staying out of my city like I asked you to, or»

 

The line cuts abruptly. There's most likely more to the audio, perhaps even hours worth to swift through. But no hacker has the leisure of hours worth of sensitive data when stealing said data from Batman.]

 

 


                                                                                                         

                                         

>Dipper279

  @dipdip love how the only time Wonder Woman gives a flying fuck about the conversation is when something funny happens😭😭

      67k likes  22 replies

 

>Anna

  @getannabortion I never really understood what Superman meant when he said that he considers the Trinity his best friends until now

      69.8k likes  11 replies

 

>Elmo

  @rockocansuckit so Batman's the ONLY one who hasn't shared his secret identity???😭💔

       41k likes  57 replies

 

        >>Rocko

            @elmocansuckit Replying to @rockocansuckit fork found in the kitchen 🤷

                    13.7k likes  7 replies

 

          >>Elmo

               @rockocansuckit Replying to @elmocansuckit oh hey love!😘

                      8.9k likes  36 replies

 

                   >>>Minnie

                         @minnie❣️ Replying to @rockocansuckit wait y'all don't hate eachother???😧😧

                                 9.2k likes  4 replies

 

                  >>>Christopher

                          @stop Replying to @rockocansuckit finding out you two are married is a blasphemy I don't have the bandwidth to unpack—Respectfully❤️

                                   10k likes  7 replies

 

>#1 Bruce Wayne Connoisseur

  @01brucewayneconnoisseur Batman lowkey petty af😭💔

          87k likes  13 replies   

 

>Sticky_Foots

    @stickyfoots018 why's SUPERMAN taking shit from from batman bro☠️✌️🥀

          41.9k likes  109 replies

 

             >>SweetestCitrus

                   @sweetestcitrus🍊 Replying to @stickyfoots018 because hes Batman—who tf wouldn't ☠️

                           60.3k likes  58 replies

 

                                                                                 


                

 

The second audio transcript is posted from the same anonymous account only thirty two minutes later. As if it were a struggle to get the data. And it probably was.

 

It's noticeably quieter than the first leak, in the sense that one notices the absence of background noise from the first audio. The softened tones of the speakers contributing to the quiet quality of the second audio.

 

[Superman: «You do know that I meant what I said, right?»

 

...

 

Superman: «That I don't regret sharing my second name with you and Diana»

 

Batman: —«Wonder Woman.»

 

...

 

Superman: «...B»

 

Batman:—«I'm well aware Superman. You rarely leave room for doubt.»

 

Silence persists for a long moment before it is broken by Superman

 

Superman: «You said telling me your real name wouldn't improve our synergy earlier. You sounded pretty sure of it.»

 

Batman: «I'm almost always certain.»

 

Superman: «It sounded like your unique way of telling me I wouldn't like you if I knew you.»

 

...

 

Superman: «I would.»

 

...

 

Batman: «You're a hopeful man, Kal.»

 

Superman let's out a deep sigh, some parts resigned, others exasperated.

 

Superman: «Okay! Well, I have a visual»—]

 

 


                                                                                                          

                                    

>Batman's Favourite C*m Sock

    @batmansgurl holy situationship💔💔

          107k likes  243 replies

 

            >>CindyCider

                  @cindycider Replying to @batmansgurl can we not🥀

                          8.2k likes  97 replies

 

             >>Solo-levsl

                   @sololevsl Replying to @batmansgurl here we go🙄🥀

                          7k likes  56 replies

 

              >>Charon

                    @charon280 Replying to @batmansgurl i guess bro😑🥀

                          6.4k likes  37 replies

 

>Blue's Blues

    @blue_sblues what in the kdrama is going on???😭😭💔

           81k likes  97 replies

 

               >>Anthony

                    @tony Replying to @blue_sblues im lowkey surprised batman hasn't already dealt with the leak atp😭

                          13k likes  9 replies

 

>HannahBanana

     @hannahbanana everybody trying to make this out as something gay highkey pmo—people can't even be friends anymore 💔

            56k likes  195 replies

 

               >>Anna

                    @getannabortion Replying to @hannahbanana oh brother 🙄🥀

                         71k likes  208 replies

 

               >>Terry_Tazzy

                      @thetasmanianmenace Replying to @hannahbanana girl youre lowkey getting ratioed like crazy—GET UP😭😭🥀

                          60k likes  32 replies

 

                >>Layla_The_One

                       @laylathe01 Replying to @hannahbanana every single reply I see is a ratio omg😭😭💔💔

                          64.3k likes  13 replies

 

                >>Jennifer

                      @niffer Replying to @hannahbanana yeah cause we were wondering

                           82.3k likes  47 replies

 

>Nasty_Nizzle

    @nastynizzle782 that's enough guys @hannahbanana isn't fw #superbat pack it up

           101k likes  183 replies

 

>Clover

    @clover🍀 these leaks are lowkey getting personal, i feel so wrong for listening to them😟

             139k likes  489 replies

 

                                                                                 


                       

 

 

190526/1030500017-emulated storage-AUD

 

The atmosphere of the third audio is noticeably clipped and curt. It leaks twelve minutes after the second.

 

[A click resounds through the channel before a voice breaks through.

 

Superman: «Batman»

 

...

 

The silence doesn't last long enough for Superman to feel the need to beckon again.

 

Batman: «We need you back at the Watchtower on standby for»

 

Superman: —«I'm not available, B. Is it urgent?»

 

Batman: «What do you mean you're not available.»

 

Superman: «I MEAN I'm busy.»

 

Batman: «Busy with what.»

 

Superman bursts out into disbelieving laughter

 

Superman: «With things! Some of us have a life outside of the costume B»

 

Batman: «Well the Justice League needs you here»

 

Superman: «Is. It. Urgent.»

 

Batman: «Kal...»

 

Batman's voice lingers in warning

 

Superman: «Knock it off, B. If this isn't urgent, I need to go.»

 

The silence lasts longer this time, Batman clearly contemplating on the other end of the line

 

Batman: «I need you here.»

 

...

 

Superman: «I'm on my way»

 

The line cuts with a click, but not before the telltale whoosh of air rushing past the communicator]

 

                                                                                 


                       

                                         

>Lizzie

    @lizzie(⁠*⁠˘⁠︶⁠˘⁠*⁠)⁠.⁠。⁠*⁠♡ there's actually no way they're not dating ☠️

          198k likes  597 replies

 

>Penny_Pip

    @penny(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠❤ he said fuck everybody except batman😭🥀

          105k likes  98 replies

 

               >>Jennifer

                      @niffer Replying to @penny(⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠❤ im starting to think it might be the other way around 😭😭

                            127k likes  152 replies

 

>Raging_Ralph

     @raphael justice league: SUPERMAN! WE NEED YOU!

Superman:...😬😬 im lowkey kinda busy rn, raincheck?

Batman: I need—

Superman: I was already in the costume lowkey

        201k likes  109 replies

 

>Horton

    @horton-hoeton the superbat edits we're about to get from these audios🔥🔥

          147k likes  201 replies

 

>Elizabeth

    @beth can y'all actually stop, these are REAL people not your weird fanfictions☠️💔

            92.5k likes  102 replies

 

                  >>Christopher

                        @stop Replying to @beth you're lowkey just jealous you can't fantasise about Batman “crushing you” anymore cause he might be taken😭😭

                             101k likes  78 replies

 

                  >>Elmo

                        @rockocansuckit Replying to @beth Elizabeth, darling, your tweets are public☠️💔

                              100k likes  52 replies

 

                   >>Benedict

                          @benaddict01 Replying to @beth this you girl?🧐 [>Elizabeth

     @beth why Batman lowkey... 🤤

               9k likes 54 replies]

                                 127k likes  43 replies

 

>Rhaella

    @rhaella if Batman needs you somewhere, that probably means the situation's urgent. Don't know why y'all are acting like Superman's bringing him a bouquet or something ☠️

          109k likes  76 replies

     

>Staffo

    @staffo270 that's kinda fucked up tho

            49k likes  52 replies

 

                        >>Supergirl's Wench

                              @supergirl_swench Replying to @staffo270 how??? Superman literally asked THREE times if it's urgent😭💔

                                 57.3k likes  21 replies

 

                                                                                 


                         

 

The first video transcript and the last leak happened half an hour after the third. Had the most amount of views of all four and subsequently broke into news media.

 

Favouritism within the Justice League?—What Happens When A God Plays FAVOURITES ....#metropolisstar #metropolisstarofficial #superman #batman #justiceleagueofamerica

 

Is The Man Of Steel Compromised? | Taking Strategic Counsel or Listening To His BOYFRIEND #superman #batman #justiceleague #worldsfinest

 

Are The World's Finest 2026's Ultimate Power Couple? #superbat #superman #batman #justiceleagueofamerica #gothamgazzete #gothamgazzeteofficial

 

[The footage appears at an angle, betraying the fact that it's from a security camera installed within the Watchtower halls. Wonder Woman's red cloak disappears out of the camera's range while Superman and Batman remain in the lenses centre.

 

A dull but resounding—!boom!—crackles through the silence as Superman knocks the knuckles of his clenched fists together in demonstration to Batman. They're bound in crimson wraps and brilliant orange miniature explosions come to life like flint to a spark upon impact between Superman's knuckles.

 

"See, I'll be fine. I've got my Dawnsday knuckles," Superman leans in, invading a fraction of Batman's personal space. Continuing with a hushed, "I call them Dusk and Dawn," before chuckling at his own pun. Batman barely reacts, one could almost tell through the cowl he must be exasperated. 

 

"I know you'll be fine," Batman replies in a tone that is business like in comparison to Superman's. But, indicative of Superman's narrowed gaze, it is not convincing. Barely giving him the time to say as much, Batman does the unimaginable and leans in towards Superman. Before bringing the Man of Steel closer with a hand over his shoulders—a hug.

 

Superman is visibly stunned even from the angled view of the camera. "I'm just wishing you safe travels as any good friend would," Batman clarifies as he pats Superman's back. By the time Batman pulls away, his cape now rests over his shoulders—no longer hiding his form as it usually tends to. Superman's expression of mild shock has given way to one hardened like steel, almost angry.

 

"Really." Superman questions, tone more accusatory and irked than curious and exasperated.

 

"What?" Batman shrugs even as Superman reaches a hand at his back without breaking their connected gaze. His hand returns to his front cupped, betraying the fact that there is something in his hand even if the camera can't quite catch it.

 

"Really, Batman." Superman reiterates with a slight curling to his lip, Batman no longer bothering to feign confusion. "You wanna know how I figured it out?" Superman doesn't wait for a reply. "The hug."

 

"Because I'd never hug you?" Batman replies, the question accusatory. "Yeah! You'd never hug me!" Batman's head tilts in a way that betrays an eye roll his cowl effectively hides. Superman refusing to allow him to look away, as if disallowing him the privilege of fleeing.

 

"I think I would've preferred you inject the tracker in my system with a Kryptonite tipped needle than pretending to hug me." Superman's tone is harsh and hard. "Does that mean you plan on keeping it on you?" Superman replies to Batman's question with a resounding but soft—!krrsshh!—as he crushes the supposed tracker to dust in his hand.

 

The silence that follows is heavy with careless words being unspoken and kinder words being contemplated. Batman breaks it with a dry "That's thousands of dollars worth of tech," to which Superman huffs out a breath in annoyance before turning to leave.

 

Batman pulls him back with a hand caught at Superman's elbow, something that should not be possible and only occurs because the Man of Steel allows it. Before Superman can settle the full weight of his glare on Batman, Batman wraps the same arm around Superman's neck. Some parts drawing him closer, most leaning in. An embrace that is noticeably less cold than the first. 

 

"Don't die."

 

Batman's words border on a command in stark contrast to his borderline warm embrace. By the time Superman has the bandwidth to return the hug, already bringing up his right to Batman's back—Batman has already pulled away and turned to leave. All Superman can do—does— is catch Batman's cape in his right hand before the fabric pools out of his grasp as Batman disappears from the camera's range.]

 

 

                                                                                 


                       

                                          

 

>Christopher

    @stop Superman lowkey on sum “I can fix him” shenanigans right now😭✌️🥀

        97k likes  114 replies

 

>Layla_The_One

    @laylathe01 Batman's making poor supes run actual laps around his heart damn😭💔

         52k likes  78 replies

 

                  >>Layla_The_One

                         @laylathe01 Replying to @laylathe01 even aliens aren't safe from snowbunny mind control😔🙏 free my goat batman

                               69.7k likes  143 replies

 

>Minnie

   @minnie❣️ situationship final boss💔

           31.8k likes  59 replies

 

                   >>Supergirl's Wench

                         @supergirl_swench Replying to @minnie❣️ when im in a die hard pinning for my emotionally constipated best friend competition but my opponent is Superman😔💔

                                29k likes  98 replies

 

>Jennifer

    @niffer good LAWD can Superman fight? [meme of freaky sonic the hedgehog maniacally rubbing his hands together while sticking his tongue out]

           100k likes  102 replies

 

>Anna

    @getannabortion and I NEVER wanna see that damn cape again!!😤 [Edited screenshot of Batman from the leaked video transcript, after he'd parted his cape from completely covering his front to resting at his sides, revealing his seldom seen hourglass form]

            162k likes  127 replies

 

>Benedict

    @benaddict01 I understand you now Elizabeth 😌🙏

             11k likes  20 replies

 

>Clover

    @clover🍀 so we're not gonna talk about Batman planting a tracking device on Superman's back??¿?

              65.9k likes  82 replies

 

                 >>Horton

                       @horton-hoeton Replying to @clover🍀 we can fix him

                               71k likes  39 replies

 

>Raging_Ralph

    @raphael somebody said even aliens aren't immune to snowbunny mind control and I can't stop laughing😭😭

                19.8k likes  27 replies

 

                   >>Raging_Ralph

                         @raphael Replying to @raphael [edited screenshot of Superman from the leaked video holding the slipping end of Batman's cape, expression somewhere between stunned and wistful as Batman retreats out of the camera's range]

                          29k likes  15 replies

 

 

>Big_Word

    @thatsabigwordforelmo “don't be obtuse” “yall already KNOW Superman can fight” “Superman would kill yall in a fight”—ION WANNA LIVE THAT BAD GANG, SUPERMAN CAN YOU FIGHT! CAUSE I WANT THAT COOKIE

            97k likes  72 replies

 

>Lizzie

    @lizzie(⁠◠⁠‿⁠◕⁠) God's favourite cornball🥺🥀 [an edited clip of Superman from the leaked video, knocking his knuckles together before leaning in towards Batman and saying something to him. It's captioned «I call them Dusk and Dawn»]

            174k likes  41 replies

 

 

                                                                                 


                      

 

 

Despite the fact that what he was currently preoccupied with was as anxiety inducing as being called into Perry's office while he was on the other side of the planet, Clark wasn't too eager to find himself no longer preoccupied—hence without an excuse to avoid the news reporters currently screaming out his name.

 

He cut through the rebar clinging to the pure cement—threatening to fall down below and crush the eager masses—with his heat vision, before hefting it above his head to take it to the growing pile. Right where he was told to put them by the construction team on site. That was the last of them. Darn it.

 

"Superman!—SUPERMAN!"

"SUPERMAN, OVER HERE!"

 

He slowly descended to where the reporters were testing the strength of the fencing keeping them at bay, stern or borderline sharp chastising from the police department on site doing nothing to stop them. He searched the masses for a good while, pleading with every deity he knows to exist for Lois' distinct charcoal crown to appear between the writhing sea of indistinct heads. It didn't.

 

But Cat's blonde caught his eye almost instantly and with only three seconds of contemplating, he decided to take his chances with a poison he knows.

 

"Superman!" Cat let out in a breath, some parts strained from all the calling out, others awestruck.

 

"Ms Grant," Clark replied in greeting, all for Cat to chuckle—charmed.

 

"I'm with the Daily Planet and if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions."

 

Clark nodded, "It'd be my pleasure." Somehow, he could feel Lois cackling at him, wherever she was.

 

"The same questions have already been beaten to a pulp—how did the leak occur, who were the hackers, what were their motives, is the headquarters responsible for safekeeping the whole world safe from this kind of petty hacking occuring again?"

 

Before Clark could answer—hell, he'd already opened his mouth to do just that—Cat cut him off.

 

"But I'm here for the real questions." Cat brought her mini microphone closer to Clark's mouth, a paranoid tic he could recognise in himself. You miss a statement to rampant background noise once and you make sure it never happens again.

 

"Are you and Batman romantically involved with one another?"

 

"If I say yes, I'm sleeping on the couch for a month. So no."

 

Cat opened her mouth, a quick reply set and ready before Clark's words finally caught up to her.

 

"I—...what?"

 

 

                                                                                 


                      

                                      

 

>Jennifer

    @niffer chat is this a malicious compliance or is my goat an idiot💔

               201k likes  387 replies

 

>Rocko

    @elmocansuckit guess who's sleeping on the couch☠️💔

              162k likes   199 replies

 

 

 

 

Notes:

Clark get a grip😭💔

 

Also I JUST realised most of these fics are in Superman's perspective, which is a bit weird because Batman is my favourite dc character. Like #1 🥇, Supergirl is second favourite and Wonder Woman is my third. Superman is in the top five because HE'S NUMBER FIVE.

I know there's probably something to psychoanalyse here—the fact that I've only written my favourite character whom I relate to (yikes🥀) in works where he's mostly being perceived than telling his own story...will I? Maybe, who cares—CLARK PINNING IS PEAK

Another thing I just realised, in all the superbat fanfiction I've written—Bruce and Clark only kiss in one ☠️💔my asexuality lowkey crippling my smut game😭✌🏾

MUAH! (⁠っ⁠˘⁠з⁠(⁠˘⁠⌣⁠˘⁠ ⁠)