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“And what does this bit say, Elsbeth?” Belle questioned, her finger pointing to the page before them.
“Ummm…” Her small brows pulled together slightly in concentration. “The fox…ch-chased the dog…th-through the wood?”
“Good, you are improving impressively with those longer words. Soon we'll be reading all the books in this room!”
“Really?” Her voice came out soft and unsure like usual, her round eyes turning to Belle’s in question.
“Absolutely! As long as we keep up our daily practice that is.” She returned the young girl’s gaze with mirth, a teasing smile playing upon her lips. Elsbeth’s mouth tilted up at the side a little in response.
“Now, what happens after the fox is chasing the dog?”
She turned her focus back to the thin children's book laid on the dark, mahogany table of her Father’s study. They frequently used his office for their reading lessons, teaching with books Belle had asked Fanny to retrieve from their own childhood. It had become a daily ritual, along with spelling and writing lessons, after her and Jack were finished at the hospital.
“The dog ran…to-wards a lake and ju-jumped in. The fox…jumped in too.” Belle gave a nod of encouragement, her finger still tracing under each sentence as a guide. “The fox tried to- swim after the dog, but he…was too quick!” She finished triumphantly, face lighting up with rare pride.
“Well done, Elsbeth! I believe that you-“ she lightly tapped the child’s nose, “have mastered this one! Do you want to choose another?”
She nodded, a joyful grin beginning to spread across her face.
“Could we read one of your books, from the hospital?”
“Well, with your progress, I am certain we can soon - but for now I think we should stick to these.”
The girl seemed a tad deflated, her smile drooping ever so slightly. Belle put a hand to her tiny cheek, thumb stroking affectionately.
“It is only that my hospital books are full of very long and silly words, even I don’t understand them half the time.”
“You don’t?”
She shook her head with a smile. “No. Everyone has to learn new words, especially when reading complicated things such as medical journals.”
That seemed to assure her, the light returning to her wide eyes.
“I pick… this one!”
“Ah, one of our old favourites, ‘The Rabbit and The Cat’… Fanny and I would have this read to us most nights before bed when we were young.” She reflected, growing strangely sentimental.
“Mary and I would tell each other stories before we went to sleep… I miss her stories.” Elsbeth lapsed into silence, her sweet eyes glistening.
Belle’s heart broke for her once again.
It had been months since the cholera outbreak, since she had found the little girl in Devil’s Elbow and taken her in. Her and Jack had eventually told her the truth about her family, unable to continue their excuses. She had been quiet for days, entirely closed off from conversation, offering only nods and shakes of her head in reply.
Until the library.
Until, one morning, as Belle had been striding across the entrance hall, surgical sketches in hand, she saw Elsbeth and Clara in the study, admiring the room’s collection of texts. The young girl’s eyes were filled with awe, shining with fresh excitement, a stark contrast to the emptiness that had lurked there only the night before. She stopped mid-stride, hurrying to the half closed door, determined to keep that spark of life in her gaze alight.
Her knuckle knocked lightly. “Elsbeth?”
“Oh, Milady! We did not mean to intrude!” exclaimed Clara worriedly. Elsbeth’s eyes widened guiltily in turn.
She huffed a laugh. “Do not fret. I am not quite so concerned with people’s whereabouts as my mother.”
They both visibly relaxed, bodies slumping slightly.
A pause.
“Do you like the books?” She asked tentatively. “You may look at any you please.”
“Thank you.” She replied in a small voice, that brightness rekindling a little in her brown eyes, but still she remained stood as if frozen.
Belle moved further into the room, coming down to crouch beside the girl, discarding her medical documents on the desk. Clara gave a soft smile and took her leave.
“We can have a look at them together if you prefer?”
A light nod.
She stood to select something suitable, fingers tracing leather spines as she went. “Hmm… Do you have a favourite book, Elsbeth? Or a favourite type?”
Elsbeth shook her head.
“Well, what would you like to read?”
“I… I really like stories.”
“Stories?” She inquired warmly, “What kinds of stories?”
“Like the ones we used to tell each other, me and Mary…”
Belle drew away from the shelves to crouch once again, placing a hand upon her arm. “I’m certain we can find some stories like that for us to read. I’ll ask Fanny to help me, she’s sure to know where to find such books.”
She had smiled, and for the first time since they’d told her the news, Elsbeth did too.
Ever since that day, they had been practising their reading, in this room that she loved so much, so that one day she could read any story that she wished. They had also picked up the spelling and writing lessons along the way so she could record whatever she thought up. Maybe even the stories that her and Mary had exchanged before the outbreak had taken them away.
“I know you do…” She replied to the girl’s quiet admission, her hand going up to stroke the side of her little head. “Why don’t we read before bed tonight? Or we could make up our own stories and try to write them down tomorrow?”
“Could we do both?”
She gave a bright laugh. “Of course! Now, do you want to save this book for bedtime or continue our lesson?”
“I’d like to keep going…would you read with me too?” Her hopeful tone melted Belle’s heart completely. She picked the volume up from off the table and shifted back in her armchair, gesturing for Elsbeth to join her from the adjacent seat. They curled together in the small space, the slight weight of the young girl’s head on her chest.
“Alright, who would like to begin?”
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As he walked through the grand doors of Government House, dressed for their weekly dinner, Jack wondered how he had been so lucky. Only months before, he and Belle had been forbidden from seeing each other by her mother, Lady Jane Fox, on the threat of death. He’d had to plead with her for them to be together in secret but she was determined to separate herself from him for a whole two years. It had been one of the most painful experiences of his life, seeing her and knowing he couldn't draw near - that they could never truly build a life.
Or at least he had thought so.
That was until the docks.
Never had he felt such a perplexing mix of relief and confusion as when he saw Belle stood there. Escaped curls whipping in the wind, red skirts swirling around her. As soon as her lips had met his, everything seemed to fall into place: their future, its importance, his stupidity at ever thinking of leaving her. Later, when she explained that they had her parents’ blessing, that he'd been given a full pardon - Jack could scarcely believe it. All of their dreams were somehow coming true. The unbridled happiness that took root in that moment felt so foreign and strange, he was sure this unexpected change of heart would not last long.
And yet, here he was. That happiness only growing with each day he got to spend at the hospital and her home. With her family being civil and even kind to him, inviting him to dinners such as this one. With Elsbeth and her curiosity.
Being engaged. To Belle.
It was all so surreal.
He entered the hall, scanning for any sign of said fiancée. He found her tucked into her father’s armchair, Elsbeth’s small frame clinging to her side, a children’s book lying limply on their sleeping forms. He smiled softly, the sight making his heart warm.
They must have fallen asleep during their reading lesson.
At that, something pinched sharply in his chest. He had never actually seen Belle teaching Elsbeth before, only ever heard her speak of their routine. He had never been a part of it himself. He wasn’t able to. What use is a man who can’t read? Who can't write?
He pushed such thoughts from his mind. He knew how much they both enjoyed their lessons, he could not ruin that with his own selfishness. He should be happy for them. He was happy for them.
“Belle.” He whispered, walking into the study and kneeling beside them. “Belle?” He placed his hand over hers, lightly squeezing in an attempt to awake her.
Her lashes fluttered slowly. “Jack? Are you already back from the hospital, I thought you had another surgery?”
“I did.” He gave a slight chuckle. “Do you not know the time? I’m here for dinner.”
At this, Elsbeth too opened her eyes. On seeing Jack she gasped a little and gave him a small but sweet hug. He returned it with the hand not holding onto Belle’s.
“Dinner? But…”
"Belle, it’s already six. You fell asleep.” Suddenly, concern struck him. It wasn’t regular for her to fall asleep and forget something like this. “Are you unwell? Is the hospital exhausting you?”
She entwined their fingers on the armrest. “I am perfectly well, it is only that Elsbeth and I were so relaxed that we must have dozed off.”
“Reading can be very tiring.” The young girl said in an endearingly earnest voice.
“What did you two read today?”
Her eyes lit up with curiosity, it seemed to be the only thing to fully distract her from her sadness. “We read a whole two books, Belle says that I’ve mastered one of them and that soon we’ll be able to read all those long words in her hospital books!”
“Really? Well that is impressive.” Despite his smile, that persistent cold feeling twisted within him again. It lingered, boring a hole through his chest.
“Yes, she’s progressing so much each day, soon she’ll need a new teacher - one who knows even more long and silly words than me.”
“I’m not sure anyone knows more long and silly words than you.”
She returned his remark with a playful glare. “And I’m not sure anyone asks to hear my long and silly words more than you.” Her gaze turned back to the child on her lap, lips quirking fondly. “Apart from perhaps Elsbeth.”
“Long and silly words are fun, even when they’re hard…” Her delicate features scrunched together a little.
Belle grasped her hand, letting go of Jack’s, and pulled them both to stand. “We best rush if dinner is so soon, we shall have to change or Mother will be onto me all night. And Fanny for that matter.”
He stood in turn as she hoisted the girl onto her hip.
“We will return momentarily. Please go ahead, the family has been looking forward to seeing you.” She said, reclasping their hands.
“They have?” Skepticism was clear in his tone, he still could not quite believe that a family such as Belle’s could accept someone like him. That they would allow him to marry her, to become part of their world. Even after the events of the outbreak.
“Yes.” She replied, frowning a little, still seemingly trusting her parents’ changed opinion of him. “Now go!” She gave him a quick parting kiss before turning with the swish of her skirts, ascending the staircase and disappearing from view.
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His hand hovered over the doorknob to Elsbeth’s room. Belle’s voice could be heard behind the wood, its muffled tone full of enthusiasm.
Just go in. They're expecting you.
Still, Jack could not bring himself to enter. At dinner, they had talked of little other than Elsbeth and her progress: Belle was brimming with pride, Fanny hoped her books had been helpful and Elsbeth was unusually vocal. Her quiet but eager comments seemed to surprise everyone. She had been so reserved since they had been forced to break the news, it was good to see her excited for once. Even if he couldn’t be a part of it.
“Perfect! 3 books in one day, you may be the fastest reader I have ever met!”
A giggle.
Their sounds of joy broke him from his reflection. He grasped the handle, determined to ignore the wrenching in his heart. Why was he so bothered about this? He was glad Elsbeth could get the education he never had. That she was finally healing from her grief.
He opened the door a little, the sounds behind it now clear as they flooded through the gap. Looking into the room, he could see them both sitting on the bed. Elsbeth tucked under the covers and Belle perched on the edge, listening intently to her story.
“Once upon a time, a girl lived on a farm and on this farm all the animals…” She paused, her expression adorably puzzled, “-could fly!”
Belle laughed affectionately.
“And one day… the girl snuck away and while everyone was sleeping, she took a pony.”
“What did she do then?” Belle replied with exaggerated interest.
“Then she rode it all the way to the moon and back!”
“Did she make it home before everyone woke up?”
“Ummm… yes.”
“Well, is that the end?”
“Oh, yes, I forgot. The end.” Elsbeth appeared mildly embarrassed.
Belle gave another delighted peal of laughter. The hole in his chest only widened.
You can't do anything for them.
He couldn't do this. He couldn't even bloody read, for gods sake. Let alone teach a child, raise a child. He had grown up thieving; with Fagin as his only real example. How was he supposed to help Elsbeth? Help Belle? All he knew was the thrill of crime or surgery. But now somehow he was here, having dinner with the Governor as his future father-in-law.
Jack shut the door, closing that slither of a view he had. Separating himself from the painful sight of their lesson, from the reality that had just dawned on him. What would he do now?
He couldn't leave. He had tried before and failed - he loved Belle far too much. But he couldn't stay knowing he was useless to her, that he could not give anything of value to their future.
He walked back along the corridor to Belle’s bedroom. Surely he could do something; learn to somehow overcome this weakness of his. He had to.
Suddenly, it dawned on him that he was surrounded by books - all sorts of medical texts that Belle had collected. They had never made sense to him before but maybe he’d have a better chance at reading words he had been speaking his whole life than some toff poetry nonsense. Grabbing a fairly thin volume, he went to sit at Belle’s desk - clearing away piles of paper and surgical sketches in the process.
Sketches she had drawn for him.
The realisation only made him more determined as he flipped open to the first page. Nothing was different. Only the usual jumble of ink presented itself to him. He stared, hoping that, perhaps if he just kept looking, the words would stop swirling and form into something familiar.
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“The end.” Belle finished her story with an indulgent smile, the look of wonder on Elsbeth’s face filling her heart with a feeling so bright and sweet, that she almost could not bear it.
“You are very good at stories.” She laughed in response. “I cannot wait to practice writing.”
“And I cannot wait to help you, your story was very good.”
“Not like yours.”
“I assure you, my stories are nothing compared to what my sister could come up with.”
The girl’s eyes widened as if the idea of an even better story was impossible to conceive.
“Should I tell her that you would like to hear some, perhaps tomorrow while I am at the hospital?”
She gave a vigorous nod.
“Well, after all that excitement, it’s time for you to go to sleep.” Elsbeth huffed a little. “The sooner you rest, the sooner we can read tomorrow.”
Belle brought the covers up higher on her small form, rising from her seat at the edge of the bed.
“Good night.” She kissed her hairline.
“Good night, Belle.”
She shut the door lightly behind herself as she left.
Where’s Jack? She thought, he had not been absent from Elsbeth’s bedtime since their engagement.
She strode across the landing to her room, hoping to find him inside, like normal.
“Jack? Are you in-”
“Belle!” He stood abruptly from her desk, one of her medical books lay open on its surface.
“Jack. Where have you been?” She eyed the book suspiciously. “And- what are you doing?”
He walked over to where she stood. “Nothing. Just… waiting for you.”
She frowned. “Well you wouldn't have to wait for me if you had simply walked across the hall. You knew I was with Elsbeth, you usually are too.”
He sighed heavily, running a hand down his face. “I know. I know, I’m sorry Belle. Truly. I’ll apologise to Elsbeth in the morning.”
He met her eyes and she thought she saw something akin to hurt there. Her frustration ebbed, giving way to worry. He turned away abruptly.
“Are you alright? Jack, please talk to me.”
“I’m fine. Dinner just tired me out, that's all.”
She reached for his arm. “Is it the hospital? Are the extra surgeries too much without Sneed? I can pick up more-”
At that, he pivoted back around. “No. No, Belle, you already do enough. The hospital is fine. I am fine.” He gave her his best smile.
She doubted the truth of his words but clearly he did not want to tell her what was bothering him, so she left it alone.
“So tell me, what did I miss? Was Elsbeth as excited as at dinner?”
Belle grinned, her emotions once again morphing, this time into pride. “Even more so. We read another book and each of us told stories. She’s rather good. At all of it. Though, she rarely gives herself credit.” She began to unpin her hair, moving towards the corner which houses her dresser. “I am just so glad she has found something to excite her, the progress is startling. I mean, if you could see it, Jack! Her reading is slow but improving, her alphabet is lovely and her… imagination is inspiring! If only you could’ve been there.”
Her hair finally fell from its style, the feeling of blonde curls against her back a welcome change.
Silence.
She realised that Jack had not spoken for some time, that she had been rambling. Her apology was ready as she turned, but it died on her tongue as she saw that he had returned to her desk. To that book.
She moved closer, glimpsing that anguish in his face once again - his eyes glazed over.
He is clearly not fine.
“Jack?”
The silence stretched.
“Jack.” She took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I-”
“Don’t tell me nothing is wrong. I know you.”
A pause. Still no reply.
She softened her tone. “Please do not shut me out. Not again. Not after how far we’ve come.”
He shut his eyes as if in pain. “Belle-”
“Please.”
He broke away from her, going back to stare at the open book. And then in a strained voice he whispered: “I can't read.”
Her brows furrowed in confusion. “Yes, I know. It-”
“I said I can't read, Belle!” he exploded, half shouting. “I am a surgeon and I can't read. I am a doctor and yet I cannot understand any of these words.” He gestured angrily towards the medical textbook.
“It does not matter, Jack! Not to me, not at all. The lives that you save are enough.”
“Your letters.” He continued, ignoring her words, "I could not read them even if Fagin had not stolen them, I could not read them now if they were right in front of me… If I could read, I would have known. I would have known about the pardon-”
“That was not your fault! Fagin, he-”
“And Elsbeth. What use am I to her when I can’t even write my own name? When I cannot teach her anything but how to steal or cut? She does not need me. Not when she has you. Not when she has your family.”
“But I need you Jack! I need you and Elsbeth does too. We do not care-”
“I care! Don’t you see?...” His voice grew quiet once again. “I cannot offer Elsbeth what she deserves. I cannot offer either of you what you deserve, your mother was right there.”
She huffed, growing slightly irritated. “Well now you are just being ridiculous, you know that is not true.”
He grabbed her hands as if willing her to understand. “Belle, you do not even have a ring.” She inhaled to respond but he did not stop. “If we were ever to have a child, what kind of an example would I be? A convict, a thief and illiterate? I already cannot bear it with Elsbeth but if it was ours-”
“It would not signify!” She cried, exasperated by his spiralling thoughts. It felt as if with each word, he broke a piece of her heart along with the life they had just managed to piece together.
“Your past would not cause our child to suffer, just as Elsbeth does not suffer now. You think you cannot give us what we deserve but you are blind to what we truly need.” She took a breath. “I do not need a ring to know that you love me and that I love you, I can simply feel it. I do not need anything more, I do not deserve anything more. You give me everything just by being here, what you offer is love, Jack. And you would do the same for our child. You do the same for Elsbeth.”
He exhaled, glistening eyes meeting hers. “But what else? I don't want my only role in our future to be providing what should already be given. I want to offer our family everything.”
She leant her forehead against his. “And you will. There is more to raising a child than simply reading and writing. You can give them your heart. Your goodness.” And with that, she kissed him with all the tenderness and love that she could summon, hoping that he felt it. That he knew she believed in him, that this was enough.
Eventually, when they both pulled away, he whispered: “I still want to try. To be better, for you and for Elsbeth… I want to try and learn.”
“To read?”
He nodded slightly.
“Well I can teach you together. You see there is something you can give her that I can’t: understanding. I have never known what it is to grow up hungry in a place like Devil’s Elbow, never known what it's like to not have my parents there to guide me - you do. Right now she needs empathy, I think she would feel much less alone to see you learning as well.”
He smiled thoughtfully at her suggestion. “Alright… If you think it would help her, I would be willing to try.”
She beamed in return, satisfaction flooding through her. “It will help. So much. And who knows, perhaps you will have to teach her how to cut. She is extremely impatient to read anything medical.”
“If that is the case, we shall teach her together. Along with everything else.”
She resumed her grin, joy practically spilling from her, before pulling his lips back to hers. She felt the slowly crumbling pieces of her heart reform into something warmer and stronger than before. She had known Jack had been feeling out of place these past few months, it was clear in his voice whenever her family were near, but she had not known it ran this deep. That he was questioning their newly formed future. He couldn't leave her, she would not survive it. The sheer relief of knowing that he was here and that he would stay was overwhelming.
“I love you.” She breathed between kisses.
“I love you too.” Another soft brush of his lips. “And I would never abandon you, Belle.”
Her gaze fell from his.
He cupped her cheek lightly. “I am sorry for ever making you doubt that… I'm just so scared that one day you’ll wake up and I’ll lose you. That you or your family will finally decide that I’m not worthy.”
“You know I would never-”
“I know. But when you have lived your whole life with nothing, you begin to believe that’s all you'll ever get.”
The words hung in the space between them.
“I’m glad that you told me. If this is to work, we must be open with each other. Jack, you mustn’t keep something this important from me. Not if it pertains to us.”
“I will do my best. For you.”
She melted a little, knowing that he would make an effort. That he would try, even if all this was unfamiliar. It was unfamiliar to her too… “Same. And besides - I hope you shall never feel as if you have nothing ever again. Because you have me. And you always will.”