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Shane was already having a bad day. Both him and Ilya had their first game of the season today. After a celebratory three days off following their teams finishing extensive pre-season training, Shane wasn’t ready to get back to regular hockey life.
Ilya and Shane spent their three days off together in Ottawa. One day to themselves, one day with Shane's parents, and one day spent working on the Irina Foundation (really another day to themselves). He wasn’t ready to leave Ilya for 9 days after having him all summer and then getting to see him off and on during pre-season. Shane had already cried about that this morning. To top it off, he stubbed his toe during his morning yoga session, didn’t get his traditional lunch with his parents before the first game of the season, and ran out of his favorite protein powder for his shake. He had to use Ilya’s nasty cookies and cream flavor he left at Shane's for emergencies that never occurred. If it wasn’t obvious, Shane likes vanilla protein powder only.
The little things were pissing him off today and nothing could get him out of his funk.
***
Shane planned to tell his team he was gay for weeks now. He and Ilya had several conversations about this big step in the summer.
“I’m not saying is bad idea but your teammates suck, sooo,” Ilya stated one night as they lay on Shane's couch in the cottage living room.
“It probably is a bad idea but I feel like I’m lying to everyone. I don’t want to lie anymore,” Shane whined.
“Ok, so tell Pike,” Ilya winced at the thought. He hated Pike.
“I already told him and Jackie. I want to tell the team. You are already so comfortable being bi. I want to be able to say I’m gay and be proud too,” Shane said.
“Well, I support you, моя газонокосилка,” Ilya said softly. He touched his toes to Shane's toes and gave his foot a little squish. Shane always got weird about Ilya’s feet, but it was a good weird. He needed something to lighten the mood that had suddenly gotten so serious.
***
Shane knew coming out to his team was probably a bad idea. That’s exactly why he had put it off for weeks and he definitely wasn’t going to tell the team before their first game against Toronto. That’s like asking for a loss before the game even starts. He could already see people like Comeau scoffing at his coming out, and JJ being awkward because he was weirded out or something.
“I don’t know. Maybe they won’t react that badly,” Shane mumbled to himself as he walked into the rink.
Shane was usually the first person there, but it looked like Hayden had arrived early too.
“Captain,” Hayden said while grinning!
“Hayd. Why are you here so early?” Shane spoke in an only semi-cheerful tone.
“Jackie took the kids to their grandparents today and I thought I may as well head over early and get in the right headspace before the first game of the season. I just know we're going to win. This is our year!” Hayden put extra emphasis on this being Montreal's year as if they hadn’t already said that for the past several years over and over again.
“Yeah. It will be. Sorry if I’m not too chatty. I was planning on spending some time with myself to go through my routine before everyone else gets here.” Shane spoke with a tinge to his words.
“Yeah, man, that’s fine. Are you alright?” Hayden asked.
“I’m good. Today just hasn’t been the best day and I keep putting off talking to the team. I feel like a liar for a captain. BUT, that conversation definitely isn’t happening today of all days.” Shane sighed and plopped onto the bench next to Hayden.
“Tell them when you’re ready or don’t tell them at all. Hey, if you do tell them, obviously not today, maybe “Lily” can start coming to our games. I bet that would really make the season more fun.” Hayden looked at Shane with excitement and a little bit of a taunting smile.
“Maybe,” Shane said as he got up from the bench. It was time to go step-by-step through his pregame routine.
***
As the other guys were arriving a bit later, Shane got a text from Ilya.
L: моя любовь. You will play great tonight. I wish I could watch
J: I hope so. Today has sucked. I hope I take it out on the ice instead of the ice taking it out on me.
L: or you could take it out on me…
J: in nine days. That’s part of the problem.
L: I know. I love you
J: I love you too
***
Shane somehow made it through the locker room pep talks and was finally at puck drop against Toronto. He decided this was going to be the best game of his life and his bad day would just have to turn into aggression on the ice.
Shane was up against one of Toronto's newest rookies, Rasmus Sandin. He was sure the team picked him because of his brash mouth.
“I bet the bench is looking to be warmed by someone like you,” Sandin stated smugly. He almost reminded Shane of Ilya with the smoothness behind his speech.
“I actually plan on scoring a hat trick today, sooo,” Shane snorted back
“And you’ll look gay, doing it,” Sandin huffed.
What was that even supposed to mean? Shane didn’t have time to think as he skated away with the puck heading straight to the goal. He tapped the puck to JJ who sent it back to him after some maneuvering and Shane sunk it into the goal. Maybe he was gay while scoring, but nobody has to know that.
Shane found himself scoring his third goal by the second period. However, his goals didn’t come without constant gay jokes from Sandin and unprovoked checks against the boards.
“I’ll punch him if you want,” yelled Pike.
“No. We’re winning and I don’t know what he’s going on about. I don't even know the guy. I’m fine,” Shane said back as he skated back to the bench.
In reality, Sandin’s jabs were getting to him and Shane could feel his blood boiling. He was trying to stay cool because no one on the team knew he was gay. That meant reacting to a gay joke would be too revealing.
“Maybe I should just tell everyone,” Shane thought.
The thought became a reality sooner than he would have liked.
Shane was lined up at the puck drop with his favorite person of the night, Sandin. Shane had to admit, he understood why Sandin was the first round pick for Toronto, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t a terrible person.
“Maybe we should call your boy Rozanov to help you lose this game tonight. I know you guys are close,” Sandin said as he narrowed his eyes. “So close you look like two fags in love who probably like su-“
That was it. Shane saw red. Instead of this being the best game of his life, this became the only game since he was a child where he dropped a glove and punched someone.
Shane gave Sandin a punch so hard he heard a loud crack. Shane could only hope the crack was the rookie’s nose and not his hand.
He didn’t remember getting on top of the guy, but somehow, Shane was straddling him and laying punches so hard, blood was coming out of the corners of the rookie’s mouth.
Everyone stood in awe. The stadium was silent and the refs had their jaws wide open in shock. There was one familiar voice that snapped Shane out of his fury.
“Okay man. I think you’ve done enough damage. You're probably going to have to explain this one to the guys later. Okay, let’s go,” Hayden said as he and JJ pulled Shane off Sandin’s body.
The refs immediately decided on a game misconduct for Shane and for the first time ever, Shane was ejected from a game for fighting. He went to the locker room, still in a daze, to shower and get his suit on. Medics surrounded the rookie, trying to help him walk off on his own.
After the game ended, a herd of sweaty men entered the locker room, all asking questions at the same time.
“What in the world, Capitaine?” JJ said in exasperation.
“Shane, what came over you?” another voice exclaimed.
Several other questions hit him all at once and Shane knew it was time to reveal his secret. There was no more hiding.
Shane sucked in a breath and decided it was as good a time as any…
“Sandin was hurling homophobic insults at me which normally would not bother me but he was relentless. Then he crossed a line, involving me and someone I’m close to, and I had enough. I wanted to tell you guys eventually, but I guess the fight made it pretty clear. I’ve come to terms with something really important. I’m gay,” a thickness hung in the air as Shane spoke.
“I don’t expect everyone to be okay with it, but I wanted to come clean as your captain. Language like that has no place in hockey although, I know it is extremely common,” Shane said shakily.
“Also, if anyone is worried…I promise I’m not looking at any of you in the locker room or in the shower. I just want to put that out there. Sorry this is getting weird. Let's just be a team and keep winning together.” Shane finished his speech and felt a wave of relief fall over him. It was done. He had just come out to his team.
“Oh, also, I don’t plan on coming out publicly or making being gay my whole deal. I’m sure some of you will talk. Whatever. I just wanted to tell my truth to my team.” Now Shane was really done.
He went back to get his phone from his locker. Hayden and JJ clapped him on the back, letting him know they loved him and were proud of him. Shane knew not everyone felt this way, but he did what he needed to do. Now he just needed to focus on never letting anyone know about the hot Russian he was secretly dating.
“I’m proud of you, man,” Hayden said quietly just between him and Shane. “Now let’s get “Lily” at a game!”
Shane laughed at the thought, not ready to tell Hayden who “Lily” really was. The laugh being the only response was okay with Hayden because he was already starting to regret his “Lily” joke as the dots started to slowly connect.
Unfortunately for Shane, Hayden was starting to believe Jackie may be right. He heard the chirp that caused Shane to drop his gloves. Jackie has suspected “Lily” was Ilya Rozanov for several months now. She only just recently told Hayden her suspicions when Shane came out to them. He wasn’t ready to bring it up to Shane, but a sinking feeling filled his stomach as he realized his wife really is always right.
“Hollander! Press wants you in five!” Coach had popped his head in the locker room to get Shane’s attention.
“Sure. Thanks for letting me know,” Shane yelled back.
***
Shane answered several questions about the team’s win and overall performance, but he knew the dreaded question was coming soon.
“What did Sandin say that made you drop your glove?” A reporter asked flatly.
“He crossed a line after chirping at me all night. Some things shouldn’t be joked about, even if they are common in hockey culture. No further questions.” Shane walked away, holding his head up high.