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Dear Readers, Deadpool here!
It’s about time I made it to Marvel Rivals and an AU about it on AO3 — the most hero-packed shooter and the internet’s favorite place to pack heroes. Heh.
Hoo, boy! This is gonna be fun!
I’ve been waiting ever since they announced Rivals to be added to their player roster, because yours truly was conspicuously absent, for like what… an entire year? And, between you and me, what the fuck took them so long? I mean, Emma Frost is great and all, but she doesn't have three movies, baby!
But I get it. They were waiting for me to be perfect. And also to boost their player base. I KNOW we broke records when the game devs added me.
Anywho, this isn’t about the guys at NetEase or Guangguang.
This is about me.
And how fucking excited I am! I get to battle alongside most of my favorite heroes. (Some more than others.) I’d say all of them, but Bea Arthur still isn’t in this game. There’s hope for you yet, my queen. Speaking of favorites, I heard and confirmed — and okay, maybe stalked every available gameplay clip online — that Spider-Man is in this game.
Cue the fucking heart eyes emoji.
Seriously, his ass alone is guaranteed SVP every time. (C’mon, yours truly is MVP.) Still! Spider-Man holds himself to standards we jerks can only dream of! He always does the right thing, and he never gives up! Especially his ass, it never gives up! Even when bad guys kill his friends and people he loves! And I love his ass! 'Cause he's the best of us! Did I mention his ass is the best?
And for you noobs who don’t even read comics (seriously, what are you doing with your lives?) me and Spidey even had our own comic run for fifty-one issues! Yes, that’s five-one! Fifty plus a bonus, baby! C’mon, no one even gets a fifty-issue run these days. (Except for Spidey.)
But enough exposition. What’s this game’s tagline?
Ignite the Battle!
After spending three hours and counting in the Practice Range listening to NPC Pool motor-mouth it (seriously, that dude can talk!) and bunny-hopping bots on the head, Wade decided it was time to Wade in (get it? Wade, in) and hit the arcade.
Buuuut, it turned out, you can ban characters there.
Ban. Characters.
Wade just got here. He was not about to be democratically eliminated by a bunch of sassy punks with Wi-Fi privileges.
So, absolutely no competitive mode either. Quick play it was. Except—
Only one Deadpool per match. Rude.
Which is how he ended up in the Grand Garden (aka the 18v18 map). It had gigantic moving chess pieces mixed with fountains and gardens, and Gambit and Rogue snuggling up in the intro. Double rude. But most importantly, there was no Deadpool limit, so it was obviously destiny.
But then Wade quickly realized – Oh my god, Spider-Man was here. Like here here. On Wade’s team. His ass jiggling at a frame rate that felt illegal.
“Okay,” Wade told himself as the match countdown ticked. “Don’t freak out. You’ve literally lost limbs in front of him canonically. This is fine.”
Fine time to initiate Operation: Ultra-Smooth Pool.
“Spidey! Hey, Spidey!” Wade called out, “Wanna team up?”
The match started. Spidey thwipped away.
Okay. Cool. Wade wasn’t attached.
Ha! Who was he kidding? He was going to find that succulent sweetie.
But before Wade could track him on the map, the match ended, and Spidey wasn’t on his team anymore.
S’coo. We’ll just play another round. We’ll just keep playing until we find Spidey again and ask if he wants to team up. Besides, just because the devs snoozed on an “official” in-game team-up for them (no offense, Jeff) doesn’t mean they couldn’t kick it old school and Spideypool this shit.
They’d done more with less.
In the next match, Spidey wasn’t on his team. But when he did spot an “enemy” Spidey during the battle, Wade skidded to a stop mid–hazardous-hijinks dash, swords half-drawn.
“Oh my god, Spidey! Hi! Hello! Big fan! Love what you’ve done with the spandex—”
A web snapped around his wrist.
“Wow! That was impeccable aim. Okay, listen. I cannot, in good conscience, stab you. That feels like a bad first impression.”
Spidey launched into the air and spun into a circle thwipping web clusters, shouting, “Don’t mess with the amazing Spider-Man!”
“Whuuuuu…?” Wade blinked, completely captivated.
The webs snapped around him, pinning his arms to his sides. Hot. Then his sweetie dealt a shit-load of damage. Double hot.
Between Spidey's ult and Wade's squishy DPS HP, he was down to wee bits of health. Spidey threw one final punch and BAM.
-Whaaoowowowowomp.-
Respawn in five.
Ah shit, here we go again.
Only, when Wade respawned, he didn’t see the other Spidey again in his match.
Seriously! Where the fuck does he go!?
Le sigh. Time to lock the fuck in. Wade wasn’t fucking stopping until he was in a match WITH Spidey.
A few matches later—
There was a Disco Spidey on his team: wearing a cutie-patootie sparkling, shimmering outfit and baby-blue tighty pants that hugged his booty. And. Even. His eyes. Glittered. Gold. Humina humina.
And yeah, yeah, Spidey did his little thwip and dash routine, Wade spending nearly the entire six minutes of the match looking for him, but he kept getting held back by fucking Moon Knight. The moon haunts you! Fuck you, moon!
With just a minute left, Wade had respawned just behind the main fountain, and Spidey zipped past him, webbing Rocket. Wade’s brain blue-screened just long enough for him to notice the red cross.
Spidey was low on health. Thank gawwd Wade had chosen to play strat this round.
“Oh no no no no,” Wade gasped, sprinting in. “Absolutely not. Let Daddy DP heal you up, sweetums!”
He popped his Bouncing Bobblehead, pew-pewed the D-Eagles right at Spidey, followed by his Deadpool in Your Area, chaotic sparkles, and green aura circling them.
Spidey recovered just in time to dive into Rocket, and then Wade’s instinct took over, popping his dash slash directly into the furry mofo.
KO. An artfully timed selfie. Wade worked the fuck out of that one.
He put his phone away and stood there for half a beat in the aftermath.
"Ho-ly shit. Did you just – did we..."
C'mon, Wade, get it together! Gah!
"Did we just have a team-up?"
Spidey tilted his head, gold-glittering lenses open, considering. "You know, I think we actually did."
Holy mommy fucking game devs. They had chemistry.
“Hey, Spidey,” Wade said, tone almost normal. “You good? Need extra heals? Tacos? Emotional validation?”
A quick thumbs-up emote. Followed by a small, genuine-sounding, “Thanks.”
Before he could say literally anything else—maybe flirt, maybe propose marriage, maybe ask what Spidey was doing later or for the rest of eternity—the match ended.
Victory screen.
Spidey gone.
“WHAT?” Wade yelled at the sky. “Aww, c’mon! I was just about to ask Spidey on a date.”
He re-queued immediately.
Anywho, after hustling his plump keister in battle after battle without any sign of his beloved, Wade decided to take a break in Times Square, a central, social hub, which was apparently where everyone went to scream silently via emotes.
And There. Were. Spideys. Everywhere.
Sweet Bea!
Were any of them his Spidey?
One of them was at least twenty feet tall, doing the twerk emote in the middle of Times Square. Why didn’t Wade have the twerk emote? This was absolute BS. He tried deploying his own twerk emoji in protest.
It did not have the same impact.
He approached every Spidey he saw. None of them were his. Most of them skidaddled away. He found the Deadpool Corps instead — shaking their unicorns, blasting party horns, living their best chaotic lives.
It was fun.
Until it wasn’t.
Until Wade got hungry.
Where could he get a fucking chimichanga around here?
Le sigh.
Wade followed his nose to a small cart tucked off to the side—Pym’s. Free sandwiches. Sure. What the hell. He got in line and just so happened to be standing next to a Disco Spidey when they accidentally nudged shoulders.
This one felt different than the others. Familiar. Quieter. Real.
Real buns of steel. Real.
Time to lay on the Deadpool charm.
“So,” he said casually, “you come to Times Square for sandwiches often, or is this a coping after battle thing?”
Spidey glanced at him, the gold in his lenses catching the Times Square lights. “Uh, both? Plus, they’re free. And I don’t exactly have a ton of cash right now.”
A small beat passed.
“Hey,” he added, tilting his head. “You’re new around here, aren’t you?”
Spidey noticed him!
“Freshly added. Season six, baby,” Wade said proudly.
“…I don’t know what that means,” Spidey admitted. “But, uh, thanks for covering me earlier.”
O.M.G. It was his Spidey!
Be cool. And sexy. And charming.
“Heh, y’know, I’m one helluva team player,” Wade said smoothly. “Very supportive. Very attentive to your health bar.”
Ho-ho! Nailing it.
Spidey tilted his head. “Sorry. It’s just—I’m usually pretty high up, or, y’know…” He gestured vaguely. “Thwipping away. Sometimes people can’t. Or they forget to help me.”
Wade’s tone shifted just a hair. “I didn’t, sweetheart.”
The gold glitter of Spidey’s lenses met the whites of Wade’s mask for a second longer than necessary. “No,” he said quietly. “You didn’t.”
“Wade Wilson,” he replied. “Chatterbox. One heck of a dumpy. Occasionally banned in arcade mode.”
"Spider-Man," Spidey returned. "Sticky. Quippy. Gives out webs like Oprah."
Gawwd Spidey was even cuter out of the match. Wade couldn't tell if this was the best day ever or if he was about to make a complete ass of himself. Probably a little bit of both.
He cleared his throat. “Soooo. Wanna ditch this sandwich stand and hit The Disco? You sure have the right outfit on for it.”
That, and moving and grooving, was a surefire way to loosen those evil, fuck-ass nerves and shut yellow down, insisting that Wade was going to screw this up and send Spidey into his inevitable thwip-thwip skedaddle routine.
And maaaybe Wade might’ve had a completely innocent, totally wholesome ulterior motive for seeing Spidey’s disco dumpy.
“Sure,” Spidey agreed.
It was a fun twenty in the disco. I mean, Wade was here… with Spidey! They were here. Together! Spidey even broke into a 70s-style disco routine, Wade joining in, not missing a beat. It was like they were starting their own nostalgic boy band. But at some point, the disco got crowded, and hectic— big heroes, mini Jeffs, Groot planting trees, and Wade could tell Spidey was getting a little overstimmied.
“Hey." Wade leaned in, squeezing Spidey's shoulder. "Does this game have, like, a quiet corner? A roof? A vent situation?”
“Yeah. I know some rooftops that the others can’t get to. Y’know, special thwip thwip privileges and all.”
“You’re so smart, baby,” Wade said, adoringly.
Spidey huffed, but his body language was practically glowing. He didn’t announce where they were going, but Wade followed him towards the exit, and he shot a web upward and said, “Hang on.”
Wade did. Very enthusiastically. He wrapped both arms around Spidey’s waist “for aerodynamic efficiency,” bracing against his sweet backside as they arced between buildings.
“Wowee!” Wade shouted — fifty percent for the thrill of web-swinging, fifty percent for hugging Spidey like a clingy koala.
Okay, maybe twenty-eighty.
Ten-ninety.
Ah, who the fuck knows? Wade wasn't the merc with the math.
They cleared the glitch wall at the edge of the map — that faint shimmer where the geometry gave up trying to behave — and landed several buildings back from the FEAST center. The city lights stretched below them, neon and gold flickering in the distance.
Wade did not immediately remove his arms.
Spidey did not immediately ask him to.
But after a solid minute, Spidey dropped a little hint, clearing his throat.
“Okay,” Wade said, finally stepping back. “This is very atmospheric. Ten out of ten. You bring all your Rivals up here?”
Spidey snorted. He sat down on the edge of the rooftop, legs dangling over the side. “You’re the first, actually.”
That did something deeply inconvenient to Wade’s insides. “Wow. I feel honored. I should’ve brought flowers. Or a better emote,” he said, dropping down beside Spidey.
“So. Now that we’re alone on a semi-private rooftop with romantic lighting and no NPCs – what’s next on the tour? You gonna show me your other costumes? Your secret stash of web fluid?”
Spidey laughed softly. “Heh. I'm not sure. Nice just to get away from it all for a moment.”
“Totes.”
Wade’s bravado flickered — just a notch.
“You know,” he said, lighter than he felt, “I’ve been trying to find you since I got here.”
Spidey glanced at him. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Wade shrugged, staring at his feetsies kicking over the ledge. “You’re everywhere. And not anywhere. Different skins. Different lobbies. Different teams. I kept queuing up, thinking maybe this time…”
Whoopsie daisy.
Wade hadn’t meant to say that much.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “... Which is super normal behavior. Very chill. And, I dunno, I know I’m a zero-star hero, and you’re a five-star one, and everyone was talking online about how annoying I was, buuuut… I just wanted to be around someone I admire.”
"Hey," Spidey started, reassuringly. He put an arm around Wade’s shoulders, gold glittering lenses wide and serious. "You got this. You're doing great. Trust me."
Wade batted his eyelashes. Not that Spidey could see it, but still. “Careful,” he said, lowering his voice. “If you keep talking like that, I’m gonna think you’re flirting with me.”
Spidey laughed, soft and surprised. “So what’s this game called, anyway?”
“Marvel Rivals. Ignite the battle!”
Spidey’s lenses narrowed, and his head tilted, considering.
“Oh, heh, Marvel Rivals is the name of the game, and Ignite the Battle is the tagline.” Don't blow it, Wade! “But, umm, yeah. Thanks for showing me around, Webs.”
“Heh, don’t mention it. That’s what your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is all about. Or I guess in this case your friendly neighborhood rival.”
“Riiight. You’re My ‘Rival.’” Wade exaggerated the air quotes. “Hey, baby boy, wanna tell me about some of your moves?”
“Okay,” Spidey said decisively.
He launched into a demonstration, walking Wade through his web-shooters and web-clusters like a proud tour guide. He executed an Olympic-level thwip-and-flip, then followed it up with that low, close-to-the-ground side lunge that Wade absolutely stared at.
Listen, Wade didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, only that he was cute, like certifiably cute, listening to Spidey go all Nerdy Hero Science Mode. Wade could tell he hardly got a chance to show and tell like this, and he was hanging on to every last bit of pride in his voice.
“Yeah, then one of my special finishing moves is a multi-hit barrage of web clusters that deal major damage to the bad guys.”
Oh. So that’s what webbed Wade up by enemy Spidey. Yowza. Hearing Spidey talk about it so openly got Wade’s own special move fully going.
Meanwhile, Spidey had already moved on. “But y’know, can’t forget about basic things either, like my thwip and flip.”
“What’s your thwip and flip, sweetie?”
“Heh. It’s basically a fancy way of saying a double jump.”
“Oh, hey, I have something similar—my bunny bounce. Also have Bouncing Bobblehead. This one is crucial to upgrade first when I'm playing Strat. But most importantly, my D-Eagles and Bea and Arthur can give out damage OR heal.”
“Your… guns and swords can heal?”
“Yuppers. Programmed them myself. How do you think I healed you earlier in that match, baby boy?”
“Heh. I dunno. Figured you had a med kit or something fancy in one of those pouches.”
“Well, I got lots in my pouches. But, healing isn’t all I can do.” Wade grinned smugly. “I’m versatile, baby.”
Spidey blinked. “Is that so?”
“Oh, absolutely. For example, when I’m playing tank –” Wade flicked something pink and plush between them– “There’s this unicorn.”
Pinkie Pie bounced once on the rooftop, then popped open in a shimmer of light, expanding into an iridescent shield that curved over both of them. The city lights refracted through the bubble, casting soft rainbow glints across their suits.
“See?” Wade said, lowering his voice. “Protective. Supportive. Multifunctional.”
“I, uhh, that’s pretty cute,” Spidey sighed, interested. “Kinda reminds me of the inflatable planetarium we used to have at school back in the day. The only thing I can toss is this.”
Spidey thwipped, the web hitting Wade square in the chest, right over his heart. Wade glanced down at it. Then back up.
“Oh,” Wade said softly. He wrapped his fingers around the webbing and gave it a tiny tug.
Their knees bumped when Spidey tipped closer.
“Look at that, Websy, we’re stuck together. Maybe we’ll get that official team up after all. Guess the real endgame is co-op.”
“So, uh,” Spidey started, quieter now. “I know you keep saying this is a game…” His hand came to settle lightly against Wade’s forearm. “But you know this is real to me, right?”
That sweet, gentle touch landed harder than any ult. For once, Wade didn’t joke. He leaned in closer instead.
“This is real to me, too, baby boy.”
Wade thought he had this shit on lock. He made it his entire mission in this fuck ass game to be right in this position. But now that he was here, webbed to Websy and all, his nerves were wreaking havoc on his tummy. Not that he'd admit it to you lame-os.
Wade's hand found the small of Spidey's back, and he heard his breath hitch.
Oh.
"Sorry,” Wade murmured. “I couldn't help myself. It just… felt natural."
"Don't be,” Spidey said quickly. Then added, “It was nice."
Wade's breath hitched this time.
Oh.
“Maybe,” Wade said, a little breathless, “we should get some fresh air. Tug our masks up. Don’t wanna suffocate.”
Spidey huffed, uncertain. "Uh, I can't Wade. My mask is super important to protecting my identity. But more importantly, protecting the people who know me. Life is hard sometimes, but at least maybe I can make it easier for other people. Wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you."
Well, Wade actually wasn't prepared for that. Spidey wanting to protect HIS sorry ass? Of course, his sweet, precious baby boy would say something that would make Wade feel like a melting pot of fondue. So Wade suggested the next best thing, "What if we just tug the bottom up? Y'know, just the tip?"
What the fuck was he doing, doubling down on suggesting that he take his old, ugly mug out? A healthy serving of insecurity, followed by a side of panic set in, making Wade feel weird and shy.
Then, he looked over at Spidey, who had already tugged up the bottom half of his mask to his cute as fuck button nose, revealing perfectly pink lips, and a sprinkling of absolutely biteable freckles.
Gawwd, he was fucking perfect.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Joke's on you, Wade. You're the one who suggested this. Now what are you going to do? Tug your mask up without warning? Or maybe we’re the ones who should skedaddle?
Fuck it. Wade had to tell Spidey.
He flicked a little pebble off the rooftop. "Uh, just so you know, Spidey, I've -gulp- got some scars. Just thought I should tell you before you saw what you were working with and barfed in my face and told me to leave this place and this game and never to show my sorry ass again."
Spidey’s sweet lips tugged into a half-smile. "Oh, umm. Thanks for telling me, I guess? But I kinda already lifted my mask, I mean, some of it anyway, and I'm actually having a really nice time with you. I promise, Wade, nothing you’re hiding under there is something that would scare me. I’ve seen some pretty scary stuff. But, y’know, only if you want to, of course. I mean, no pressure."
Having a really nice time? Et moi? Hoo-boy. What's this game's tagline? Ignite the fucking holy hell and show your shitty ass face.
Wade’s fingers fidgeted with the edges of his mask. Slowly, like he might change his mind, he tugged it up just enough to uncover his mouth.
“Sorry,” he said, softer now. “I’m not, uh… Prince Charming under here.” A small, self-conscious shrug. “I totally get it if you need some Spidey time. Wanna thwip thwip away. I won’t take it personally.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Spidey was so close to him that Wade could practically feel his breath. He squeezed his eyes shut and braced himself for the inevitable barf.
Instead, Spidey reached out and took his hand. He laced their fingers together. "Hey. I’m not gonna freak out and run away. Think it was pretty brave of you. Doesn't really bother me, Wade."
What in the nice-ass, motherfucking reaction was that? Wade felt like he was the one about to barf. His eyes fluttered open.
“The name’s Peter, by the way. Figured you should know. Since you were so brave with the mask and all. Thought I’d be brave, too.”
Ho-ly shit. Peter’s lips looked sexy as hell when he said it. Good thing Wade was still wearing the top part of his mask because his brain one hundo exploded.
Peter.
“Peter,” he said, testing it.
It felt good in his mouth. Like dessert. Like the first bite of something he absolutely did not deserve but was going to savor anyway.
Peter glanced at him. “Yeah?”
Wade leaned in close, voice low: “If this is just a game, then I’m playing it wrong. Because I don’t give a fuck about winning. I just want you.”
Peter’s breath caught slightly. Then, almost shy: “Is there… a kissing emote in this game?”
Wade froze. Internally, a cartoon Deadpool was ban hammering his head – this was an ultimate emergency.
When he regained his speaking ability (It was that serious!), he said, "Y'know, I have one. It's super top secret and only released to the handsomest players that I can share with one other person."
"Oh?" Peter asks, "Who's that?"
"You."
They leaned into each other, brushing their lips together once, twice, three times. Peter let out a pleased hum, fingers cradling Wade's neck as he licked up into his mouth, leveling Wade up to lord in two seconds flat.
Hoo boy! What the fuck was happening? Was this really happening?
Because there was no game, comic, or AU where Wade ever imagined he’d actually get to kiss Spide—Peter. Even in his deepest, darkest fantasies, he just assumed the writer would fuck him over and give him a sad sob story.
And here he was, getting a happy ending. Heh.
Thank you, Kitty. If only I could break through that fourth wall and kiss you, too.
But alas, he couldn't. So instead, he kissed Peter with everything he had.
“Oh, Wade,” Peter breathed.
Wade grinned against his mouth, dizzy as if he had just tossed his own head instead of his avatar. “Baby boy, wanna see what happens if we log out together?”
Peter reached for Wade’s hand and –
[DISCONNECTED]