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Buck had been quiet.
Eddie didn’t know when it started. It hadn’t been when he’d been screaming, begging for help while Eddie followed the sound of his voice with his heart in his throat. It hadn’t been when he’d been gasping in Eddie’s ear after Eddie had cut him free and held him tight just so fucking relieved that he was alive that he didn’t know how long they’d stayed there before help finally showed up. It hadn’t been when he’d been stuttering out answers to the paramedics then the doctors as they rushed him into the ambulance and the hospital with lightning speed while he’d been trembling so violently Eddie could’ve sworn he felt each one like an earthquake beneath his feet. It hadn’t been when he talked to Maddie on the phone or the detectives or Hen and Chimney or anyone else that wanted to know what happened?
It just happened.
One minute Buck had been there and then the next, his voice was gone.
A thick cold shudder crept up Eddie’s spine at the familiarity of the silence; at how it felt like Buck was missing all over again.
Eddie locked every muscle in his body to keep that shudder hidden from Buck as they pulled up to his street.
The sight of something familiar, of home, made Buck exhale. Not in relief but more like resignation. Nervous fingers disappeared into the sleeves of his hoodie before digging into his knees and Buck squirmed in his seat like he didn’t know whether he wanted to finally get out of the car or sink down in the passenger seat until he could disappear.
“Want me to circle around the block?”
Buck looked at him then, his eyes bruised with exhaustion but wide and blue with confusion and something a little more vulnerable; a little more…
No.
Eddie wouldn’t let that happen. Even if that meant he had to glue the pieces of Buck back together himself, he wouldn’t let him be broken. Not Buck. Never Buck.
Eddie would break pieces of himself to cover the cracks before he let Buck break.
Buck’s nostrils flared in his unspoken question, his jaw clenching as he tried to hide the soft tremble of his chin as if the words were fighting against the back of his teeth and Buck was doing everything he could to hold them back.
Eddie eased up on the gas and let the car coast down the street, scanning the long line of waiting vehicles parked in front of Buck’s house. Maddie and Chim. Hen. Ravi. The only ones missing were Athena and the kids but that wasn’t surprising. Athena had been the one coaching Eddie over the phone at all hours of the night while they had been fighting with local PD to be cleared to leave. She’d been the one who had talked Eddie off the cliff at three in the morning while he raked his fingers through his hair and tried not to wake Buck in his hospital bed up.
She had understood. Maybe more than Eddie did because Buck was still so quiet and Eddie didn’t know what else to do except offer to drive him in circles until he was ready to face the people who loved him the most.
Dull nails scrapped at the fabric covering his thighs before Buck shook his head and Eddie turned into the driveway to park behind Buck’s truck.
Buck didn’t move even when Eddie turned off the engine. Eddie waited and waited, refusing to push Buck either way. They could stay in the car all night if Buck wanted for all Eddie cared.
But then Buck saw her.
Maddie.
Her hands tangled in front of her, her eyes shining with unshed tears, and the obvious effort it was taking her not to step past Buck’s porch.
Buck bleated out a noise muffled behind his lips, something that sounded close to her name but hadn’t been allowed out, before shaking fingers opened the door handle.
Maddie’s face crumbled as she let out a breath and Buck shuffled the few steps between them before he collapsed in her arms.
It should’ve been a humorous sight, seeing someone so big fold up into the arms of someone so much smaller than him, but all it managed to do was make the knot in Eddie’s throat grow thorns. Maddie’s knuckles went white with how tightly she held her brother and Buck took sanctuary in the safety of her neck, hiding his face away from the world. Maddie’s fingers drifted up to scratched lightly through his curls and Eddie couldn’t help but feel a little like he was intruding but he couldn’t leave. Leaving meant taking his eyes off Buck and he hadn’t done that since he found him tied up in that basement.
“You’re okay,” Maddie said, her voice thick with tears she was only just barely holding back. “You’re home. It’s going to be okay.”
Buck’s whole spine wavered at the promise in those words.
Still, Buck didn’t say anything. He just soaked up the protection of Maddie’s arms and let himself be held for a few more, heavy silent moments.
The wind shifted and Eddie watched as Buck shivered.
Maddie pulled away, rubbing her hands up and down his biceps as if to warm him on her own. She, like Eddie had at first, read the way Buck shivered wrong.
“C’mon,” Maddie said, her smile genuine but not quite right as she tried to catch Buck’s gaze. “Let’s get you inside.”
Buck’s silence finally triggered something within Maddie and for one brief second, Eddie was relieved that he wasn’t the only one who had to hold onto the pieces. There wasn’t a person alive who knew Buck better than Maddie and Eddie knew she had noticed. Her eyes had darted up to him in an unspoken question before they’d dropped back down to Buck, scanning him for some kind of empty space that the doctors had forgotten to patch up. Something that would explain the way Buck was sinking further and further into himself like he was taking on water.
But just as quickly as the relief came, the disappointment followed like a right hook to the jaw. If there was anyone that Eddie thought would’ve been able to pull a few words out of Buck, it was Maddie. But instead, Buck was curling inward, tucking his hands into the safety of his pockets and rounding his shoulders so he appeared smaller and less exposed.
“C’mon,” Maddie said again and her hand picked up speed as it rubbed at Buck’s back. “Hen’s got your next round of antibiotics ready.”
Eddie followed behind them, keeping guard even as they entered Buck’s own home. He couldn’t help it. The prickle crawling down the back of his spine like road rash burnt into his skin hadn’t healed yet.
The sharp shake of her head wasn’t fast enough for Maddie to warn the others. Their faces fell even as they stood and Eddie grimaced as he watched Buck flinch from behind. Chimney’s gum dropped from his molar onto his tongue, Hen’s lips rolled together as she tried to keep her jaw closed, and Ravi just looked devastated, instantly retreating back and away from the group like the distance would keep him safe.
It was like walking into a hot box. Their shock was like humidity, heavy and damp, that clung to their skin until a sweat pearled along their hairlines. It made it hard to breathe and still Buck shivered.
Buck cleared his throat.
“I-I-’s…” Buck let out air from between his lips. His voice was husky and high from disuse, rough on his inhales as he tried to form the words on his lips but rushing too much. Rushing because the others were still staring and the weight of the awkward tension was only suffocating them more.
Eddie pressed up against Buck, brushing his arm against his. Beneath the thick layer of sweatshirt, Buck was trembling again, staring at them like they were all practically strangers.
“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Eddie said for him. He could hear the words in Buck’s voice so clearly in his head as if he spoke them out loud. But the silence was a solitude that Buck was having trouble letting go and Eddie wasn’t about to force him either. The attention from everyone cut to Eddie and it was like a band snapped that allowed them all to breathe. “Doc says he’ll be a little sore. Maybe a little nauseous from the meds. But he’ll be okay.”
Because Buck would be okay.
Eddie would make sure of that.
Buck’s gaze dropped down to the back of his couch with a hard set in his jaw and for one moment, Eddie wondered if he’d overstepped. If, instead of giving Buck an excuse to stay in the quiet, he just shoved him back in to diffuse the tension. But then Buck leaned into his side and the silent thank you was all Eddie needed.
“We’re glad you’re okay,” Hen said, rooted where she stood even though Eddie could tell it was taking everything in her not to rush towards them. “Both of you.”
“Yeah,” Eddie said with a tip of his chin. “Us too.”
Chimney’s gaze jumped between Buck and Eddie before falling on Maddie again and for one brief moment, Eddie saw the mask slip as the weight of Chimney’s new role in their lives settled on his shoulders. He wasn’t just their friend, their family, but their captain and sometimes he had no idea what he was supposed to do with that.
Bobby would’ve told him he would learn with time.
But Bobby would’ve known what to do then.
“I’m going to heat… something up for dinner,” Chimney said, hooking his thumb over his shoulder. “You boys hungry?”
Buck shook his head before he yanked out a hand from where it was hidden in his pocket to wave in front of him as if to say, “help yourself.” Then he turned towards his bedroom.
Maddie followed after him, whispering just soft enough to ask, “You want to try and get a shower in or rest a little first?”
An easy little nudge. Something that would be in Buck’s control. Eddie watched as Maddie tried to coax Buck into talking to her, using the guise of space for reassurance to open up. But Buck said nothing.
“Ravi,” Chimney said and Ravi had to blink a few times to tear his eyes away from where Buck had been. Chimney jerked his head toward the kitchen. “Help me out.”
“You got it,” Ravi said quickly before he ducked into the kitchen.
Hen stared after Buck before her worry drifted over to Eddie without ever looking away from the bedroom.
“He’s not talking?” She asked even though the answer was right there in her face. In all of their faces.
Eddie’s heart kicked against his ribs as he shook his head. “No. Not much anyway. Not if he doesn’t have to.”
Hen’s expression went tight as she finally looked at him. “What do you mean not if he doesn’t have to?”
Eddie shrugged. “Doctors. Nurses. The detectives for a little while but I think that was only because he’s afraid they’ll come after him again.”
Hen’s eyes flashed with a rage that was burning hot in Eddie’s chest. The same rage that had sparked like a wildfire and nearly blazed out of control when he’d ripped the duct tape off and seen the bruised and swollen skin around Buck’s wrists.
He was hiding those bruises, Eddie knew. That was why his hands were shoved deep in his pockets or hidden in his sleeves.
“I’d like to see them try.” Hen nearly snarled, each word pointed and quivering with her anger.
“Me too,” Eddie said because if he saw them again, he’d kill them.
It was a sobering, morbid thought but one he was certain of all the same. Violence wasn’t an addiction that Eddie fed into anymore. Hitting something, hissing air between his teeth, aiming for a target with his fist were all meditative but they weren’t violent. That wasn’t him. That wasn’t his style.
But Eddie had been shaking with violence burning in his blood when he’d heard what they’d put Buck through. It hummed beneath his skin and sang out to him in the quiet during the night while he watched over while Buck only slept because his body gave him no other choice.
Eddie swallowed that monster back and chained the leash as far away as he could.
Buck didn’t need that. He needed Eddie. He needed his antibiotics and another round of fluids. He needed to heal.
Healing started now.
“I got it,” Eddie said when Hen started to grab her kit.
Hen stopped and peered up at Eddie from over her glasses.
He had to give his lungs permission to breathe as she looked at him. Really looked at him.
When she looked at him what did she see? Did she see where his guilt was festering away, necrotic and rotten? Did she see how fucking scared he was by the way Buck was behaving? Did she see his doubts on if he saved him in time?
Did she see the bruise on his heart? The one that came from unspoken things that Eddie thought he would never get to say and still hadn’t?
“Are you okay?” She asked and Eddie wasn’t. Not by a long shot. But he would be better.
So would Buck.
He’d make sure of it.
“Getting there,” Eddie answered instead and took her kit before she could dig any further.
He found Buck curled up in his bed with the covers drawn tight over his shoulders and his hood shielding his curls. The big lump underneath the blanket was a familiar sight that Eddie had seen in the hospital too. The hospital bed hadn’t been nearly big enough for Buck to curl his knees into his chest but he’d managed.
“Need your arm, buddy,” Eddie said as he breezed into the room, trying not to trip over his own two feet.
Don’t make it weird. Making it weird only sent Buck further away from them.
Maddie arched a brow at him but said nothing as Eddie pulled out the supplies for Buck’s IV.
That had been the agreement with the hospital in order for them to release Buck so they could get as far away from New Mexico as fast as possible. Buck could go home as long as there was a way he could receive another few rounds of intravenous antibiotics and fluids. Dehydration and Buck’s kidneys been a concern from the moment they found him amongst other things.
Buck sighed heavily from his nose before he released a hand from the cocoon surrounding him.
Judging from the sharp inhale from Maddie, Eddie knew she saw the bruises. The dark purple, mottled flesh around Buck’s wrists that made his hands seem like they were one wrong press away from shattering.
“Not that one,” Eddie said with a tap of his knuckle against Buck’s own. “Let’s do the other one so you can still sleep on your side.”
Obediently, Buck switched hands. Where one appeared, the other snuck away to the safety of the blankets again. Eddie ran his knuckle along the curve of Buck’s shoulder to soothe away the tremble he saw in his fingers before Buck had curled them into a fist.
Maddie sat on the edge of the bed and reached under Eddie to curl a hand over Buck’s hood covered head.
“I’m right here, Buck. I’m not going anywhere.”
Eddie worked around her to prep his line, sliding on gloves before swabbing the back of Buck’s hand, warm and relaxed in his grip for once.
Buck had been so tense when anyone from the hospital staff had tried to touch him that Eddie was sure he was going to break bone somehow.
“Small pinch.” Eddie murmured when he slid the needle into the vein on his first try. Once he saw his flashback, Maddie removed the tourniquet for him while Eddie secured the set with tape.
“Good job,” Maddie said and Eddie tried not to focus on the wetness beneath Buck’s eyes he was hiding in the depths of his hoodie. “It’s all done now.”
Maddie whispered promises and encouragements and all the sweet things Buck used to soak up like a sponge as Eddie checked to make sure the line was open and flowing nicely.
Stay calm. Keep it was normal as possible even if Buck’s silence was anything but normal.
But Buck just shuddered, lost in his own head, and watching every move Eddie made like a hawk.
He’d done that with the doctors too; never quite trusting anyone to take his eyes off them.
Something in Eddie’s chest cracked but he muscled down the flinch and put the dose of medicine into the port.
“Try and get some rest,” Maddie said, pushing the hood back so she could press her palm on Buck’s forehead to check his tempature. The stress fevers had been a constant companion since the moment Buck had breathed fresh air out of that basement.
Buck’s lips trembled once before Buck pressed them into a bloodless line as he nodded. He’d never been good hiding his emotions on a good day and it was very much not a good day for Buck even if it should’ve been. He was home. He was safe. He was surrounded by the people who loved him.
He was alive.
But all Eddie could see was the terror still clinging to Buck’s heels and the guilt for not trusting any of them just yet.
Maddie must have seen it too because she swept back his curls with her fingers and leaned down to kiss his birthmark.
“I’ll be right outside if you need me,” Maddie said, curling her fingers to soothe away the tension in Buck’s jaw, wiping away a tear track, before she stood.
Maddie looked at Eddie then and he saw all the unspoken questions again.
What happened?
What happened to him?
Why wasn’t he talking?
When would he come back to them?
How could this happen?
What now?
Eddie didn’t know.
Shame burnt at the back of his throat as he tore his gaze away from Maddie to clean up his mess. He heard her leave, closing the door quietly behind her, and Eddie forced himself to blow out a breath that felt thin and stale after being compressed by the weight on his chest.
He turned to Buck who was still watching him.
Eddie’s lips twitched as he held up Buck’s other prescription. “Want some Zofran for the nausea?”
Intravenous antibiotics always made Buck nauseous. That was what Eddie had told the doctors when they’d told him about the course they were giving him. He’d made sure they’d written a prescription that day along with all the other work ups they had to do after what Buck had gone through.
Eddie’s own nausea churned in his gut but he bit down on his cheek to keep his face from falling.
Buck shook his head.
It should’ve been a success. It was a success. Buck’s body was responding to the medicine the way it was supposed to and he wasn’t in any discomfort.
So, why did it feel like a setback?
“Okay,” Eddie said easily, tucking the medicine away. “Let me know if not.”
He snapped off his gloves with ease and tossed them into the trashcan by Buck’s bed before he stood.
“I’ll be—”
The hand wrapped around his wrist was warm. Clammy but warm. Warm and so alive with tendons and bones and muscles that ebbed and flowed with just the tiniest of movements; the smallest of squeezes.
A small squeeze.
Nothing about Buck should have ever been small.
But he was small then. Quiet, withdrawn, and so small it made Eddie ache.
But he was alive and Eddie would make sure he could unclench eventually.
Buck stared up at him, holding onto his wrist, and Eddie took in the dark circles under his eyes, the stubbles on his cheeks, the cuts and bruises healing across his skin. He catalogued every hurt, every mark, and added them to his list to tend.
“S-Stay.”
It was almost too quiet to even be considered a whisper. The word stuttered past Buck’s lips on a shaky breath. But it was there and so was Buck.
Eddie gently unclamped Buck’s hand from around his wrist and tucked it back into the safety of the blanket.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Eddie promised.
Buck exhaled again and for the first time in a while, Eddie watched as some of the tension bled away from his frame.
Eddie toed off his boots and climbed onto the other side of the mattress, helping Buck roll without tangling the IV the way he knew he’d want to after being forced to sleep on his back so much in the hospital. He shoved a pillow against the headboard for his own back and his hips ached at the prospect of being stationary again after being stuck in the car but he didn’t care. Not when Buck curled into his side. Eddie rested his arm around the bundle of blanket, sweatshirt, and Buck now huddled against his leg and rubbed his hand up and down the curve of his back as he pulled out his phone to text the others.
“Just sleep now, Buck.” Eddie said, feeling him get heavy as the exhaustion pulled him under. “I’ll keep watch.”