Work Text:
It was like a cycle, Atsushi knew how it ended. It would end with him dying from organ failure or getting caught. But for him to get caught, someone would have to care.
He laughs at the thought.
Who would care about him?
He tried to remember the last time he ate. He stared at the ceiling. His mind was rather foggy ever since he stopped eating.
It seemed impossible to get to this point again four months ago.
He looked in the mirror for too long after a mental breakdown in the shower.
“Maybe, this could be fixed if I went back.”
He missed what he looked like in the orphanage. Deathly thin, a thigh gap. Oh what he would do to get that back. It’s not like it’s impossible right? He could always count his calories, stop eating, cut out carbs.
Water became his best friend after that. He stepped on that scale at least three times a day.
Once in the morning.
Once when he got home.
And once when he woke up in the middle of the night from hunger that wasn’t even there anymore.
He had a note on the fridge that no longer had food in it.
“You aren’t hungry, you are just bored.”
He only ate when people got worried.
“Atsushi, are you going to eat? It’s a party, come on!” Ranpo would say at the weekly work parties they would have.
The change happened so fast.
He hadn’t noticed the tears running down his face, or it get dark outside, or his front door open.”
“Jinko? Why are you crying?”
“Jinko?”
He knew Akutagawa was there, he just had no energy to answer. He felt bad not answering his boyfriend, but he didn’t have any energy; he just wanted to sleep.
He felt Akutagawa sit on the bed beside him.
“What’s wrong?” He said with a softness he had forgotten.
He had forgotten the world could be soft.
“I’m tired.” Atsushi manages.
“Why are you crying?”
….
“Jinko?”
….
“Have you eaten?”
“No.”
He sighs, dammit atsushi why do you always fuck things up.
“I’ll make you something.” He gets up and leaves the room.
But there's no food in there.
There hasn’t been food in there in at least a week, possibly longer.
He’s going to open that fridge, read the note, be disgusted, and leave. That’s what always happened, and that’s what will always happen. Because no one wants to be with someone who is sick.
He feels Akutagawa sit back.
“Why is there no food in your fridge?”
He doesn’t answer.
“Jinko?”
“I’m tired.”
“I know, but you need to eat.”
“No I don’t. If I eat, I lose all my progress.”
“What progress my love?”
Atsushi sits up.
“The progress I’ve made to lose weight, if I start eating again, I will just gain it all back.”
“Why do you want to lose weight?”
“Because I need to look like I did in the orphanage.”
“Why?”
“Or no one will love me.”
Akutagawa sits there for what feels like a minute. He will probably get up and leave and block him on everything. Atsushi basically just accused his boyfriend of not loving him after all.
“Why do you think people wouldn’t love you? You may have been skinny, but you weren’t loved. And you still are skinny, but you are now loved, by so many people, but by me. I don’t care how much you weigh. I love you, not your body. Okay?”
Atsushi nods. He wants to believe it, but a part of him thinks he is lying.
“Now, let's get you some food.”
Atsushi nods. He is mad at himself for letting himself get caught before his organs started failing, mad at his boyfriend for catching him, and just mad in general. But that’s probably because he hasn’t eaten.
“Jinko?”
“Hm?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too Ryuu.”