Work Text:
you got the invitation, right?
The screen was shining bright with a message Jeonghan didn't want to respond to, but putting his phone in his pocket would only make it feel heavier than it already was, so he simply stared at it.
He thought about a past where this question would be different, about a future where it didn’t exist at all. He couldn’t decide how he felt about either of those. To be honest, he couldn’t decide how he felt about the real one too.
Maybe he just doesn’t know how to feel.
He was now sitting in his car, hands on his thighs, closed fists, eyes fixed where he should have been.
Yes, he got the invitation.
About four or five weeks ago it arrived at his mailbox in his new (old) apartment, golden cursive letters in a cotton paper material, very expensive and elegant. A Witness the beginning of our forever at the very bottom with the date, dress code and other extra information. Jeonghan remembered the nausea as he felt the weight of the paper on his hand and the weight of the words in his heart.
With it, accompanied a short blue note, a familiar handwriting hanging at the back.
Sorry for the short notice. I didn’t know you had changed your address. Seungkwan gave me this new one. I hope is the right one this time.
- Seungcheol
I hope is the right one this time.
The words echoed to his head for the whole week after, even if he knew that was not what Seungcheol meant. It didn’t change the truth of both statements anyway.
He gathered the courage, then, and got out of the car. The movement at the place seemed pure organized chaos from where he stands outside of the venue. He took a deep breath.
yeah. I’m here. - Send.
***
“Ah. You’re here.” Joshua didn’t give any reaction to his presence besides a quick turn of his lips, but a champagne glass was put in Jeonghan's hand right away. “Didn’t think you would make it.”
“That makes two of us.” Jeonghan's lips trembled at he answer it and he quickly tried to cover it with a big sip.
It took at least five minutes for him to actually enter the venue, the chaos of flowers, musicians and coordinators walking desperately waiting for the main event people to arrive. He was surprised that his name was prettily printed on a place card, right beside Joshua’s, like he was really expected to attend. He also noted that his place was deliberated a little more far than the rest of their friends, even though they’d stayed close anyway. A good strategic seat organization. Jeonghan wondered who thought of it.
“Hm. They haven't arrived yet so you can consider yourself on time, at least.” By Joshua’s expression Jeonghan couldn’t imagine what possibly he was trying to say with that, but he wasn’t in his good form enough to give more than a thought to whatever was on Joshua’s mind. Something judgy, probably. He didn’t care to answer.
The music sounded too loud. The smell of food and flowers and strong perfume mixing together in ways that didn’t look nice to Jeonghan’s nose. His stomach was doing something dangerous enough for him to get worried about having to puke at any given moment. His palm was sweating. It was almost like it was his-
“You’re looking like you’re about to pass out.” Joshua gave him a side eye, as Jeonghan took another glass of champagne and gulped it almost in one go. The only thing stopping him from doing so was the fear of appearing too impolite. “Breath. It's not your wedding.”
Not his wedding. Right.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? It could have been.
It could have been his wedding.
***
five years ago
Seungcheol’s family, as healthy as they could have been, had a beautiful type of mountain house set in Daegu. One with a large glass window, a wooden terrace and a charming view to the forest.
It’s so beautiful in autumn, Jeonghan-ah, Seunghceol said with a pout smile that Jeonghan was sure only he and Seungkwan were able to do. The one that both of them used when they needed it to convince Jeonghan to do something for them. Dummies. We can call the kids, make a weekend gateway, after Halmoni's birthday.
Jeonghan didn’t take anything out of the request. They were going to Daegu to celebrate Seungcheol’s grandmother's eightieth-one birthday anyway, and Seungcheol was always happy at the prospect of having all his loved ones together. His big chest was to accommodate his big heart, as Jeonghan always said to tease him in front of their friends.
Seungcheol had always been a romantic. A big puppy excited to give and prod to anyone who ever made him feel happy. His heart was exposed at his sleeve to every person that deared to give him affection. His anxiety for a happy ending only devastating a little in front of his prospect of the future.
“Autumn house, huh? Very romantic” , Joshua said as he sipped his homemade margarita, sitting with his legs crossed at Seungkwan’s- old Jeonghan’s - living room, completely different from Jeonghan's laying down on the ground.
“Ah, yeah. He wants to see the kids and make a fuss about it. You know how Seungcheol is” Jeonghan’s beer was cold when he took a sip, but he didn’t pay attention because of the knowing look Joshua was sending his way.
“Oh, hyung, it’s going to be so beautiful!”
Thinking back he should have read the signs, especially at the watering eyes Seungkwan gave him as he repeated again and again about how everything was so beautiful, hyung!
There were a lot of signs.
All the kids made it. All eleven of them. Chan was bouncing on his heels when he got there a little late, asking if he had lost it.
Lost what Jeonghan should have asked. Chan would have told him. He’s not good with secrets.
The house was exactly what Seungcheol was telling him. Big, glassy, with more rooms than people to hold it. But apparently Seungcheol wanted to make sure they were all in use because his family was also there.
His brother with his wife, the aunt’s, the uncle’s and the cousins.
It’s for the birthday, Jeonghan thought.
Only it was not.
***
now
“How many of those have you already drinked?”
Just by how distant Joshua’s voice sounded, Jeoghan could already know the answer would be too many.
“Not enough” he answered as another glass was directed to his lips. “But don’t worry, I’m not causing any champagne problem”
“Oh, good. You already caused enough of those.”
The champagne felt like acid getting down at Jeonghan’s throat. He knew Joshua didn’t actually resent him about what happened, but he was never one to sugarcolt his words when it came to Jeonghan stupid choices.
Also Joshua’s mean words never hurted as much as Seungkwan cold stares, or Minhao poetic riddles that sounded like pure judgment. So much to an evergreen friendship.
At a distance he could hear Chan’s loud laugh. He was bigger now. Nicely dressed, a pretty girl Jeonghan didn’t know the name at his side. His baby, all grown up now.
Chan didn’t cut him out, but it was hard to endure his anxious posture every time he was near Seungcheol and him, so Jeonghan just preferred to step out. If they were still close like that, Jeonghan would joke about a divorce’s child. He doesn’t like the joke now.
He focused on the decoration instead. The saloon covered in flowers, a crystal color being the key point. The halls decorated in a delicate touch that only comes with lots of money and fancy taste.
He saw Seungcheol’s mother arriving as he analyzed the great scheme of pictures adorning the entering hallway. She was dressed in a light shade of wine red dress, close to a brown tone, perfect for an autumn wedding. Her appearance was always a scary subject to Jeonghan, even before everything. She was always a distant type of politeness, reserved even for her own son. They barely talked during the four years he was present in her life.
It was her ring that he denied.
He imagine what she thought about him then. What she thinks about him now.
He sees her smile at the proposal picture right beside her at the hall.
***
then
“Your mother is staring at me weirdly.”
They were walking though the wooden hall, full of tables and chairs and people, but Jeonghan could sense a cold chill on his arm that could only mean a stare.
“What?! No, she 's not!” Seungcheol looked around, searching for his mom nervously. “That’s her ‘I’m happy to see you’ look”
“Then she needs to work better at it, it’s given Gretel mother vibes”
Seungcheol laughed nervously, and gave him a sweet kiss on his temple. The truth was that in some way, both of them were scared of her to a certain stance. Today specifically it looked like Seungcheol was desperately in need of her approval more than ever. Jeonghan made sure to try harder too.
“Oh, wow, is that a Dom Pérignon? Did you save it for everyone to celebrate Halmoni’s eightieth-one?”
Halmoni was more of a mother than anything Seungcheol’s ever knew. Jeonghan was gladly aware that she was the person Seungcheol loved the most, and he was more than satisfied to be the second. He also loved her, as she was his own grandmother. She was always so lovely with Jeonghan.
So he guessed it maybe it made sense to bring all of his family and friends to celebrate with his favorite champagne in a saloon full of rose quartz decoration. A really out of Jeonghan’s taste for a birthday celebration, considering also that they had already celebrated it at Seungcheol’s parents house, two days ago, at her actual birth date.
Why Jeonghan didn’t see the signs?
“Hm, I- I just…” Seungcheol stumbled over his words, before cleaning his throat and taking a deep breath. He smiled his toothy smile at Jeonghan. “I feel like today is a special day,” he said confidently.
Jeonghan just hummed at his happiness. He wouldn't question it.
For a while Jeonghan just stayed at his table, accompanying a nervous Seungkwan, an over enthusiastic Mingyu and, for his worry, a kind of red Jihoon. Mingyu and Seungkwan were engaged in a conversation about how they, specially Seungkwan, had decorated the place and Jeonghan couldn’t keep up with it, a little bit worried at Jihoon who kept looking at his phone and the garden’s arch, appearing kind of green and red at the same time.
As the background song changed to a calm romantic piano melody, Seungcheol appeared in front of him, a nervous stance at first, but a big smile splashed on his face.
“Dance with me?”
Jeonghan thought about saying no, just to mess with him. He should’ve. That was the moment to say no to.
If you asked Jeonghan now what he was feeling righ there, he wouldn’t be able to remember. His memories now mixed with the feeling of wrongness that had hit him every time he tried to remember the first steps of the dance . There was this strange feeling on his body, a sense of non-belongingness.
He’s sure that he didn’t feel it right away. If he did… It was too many what if’s.
“Hannie”, Seunghceol whispered to him in the middle of the dance.
Jeonghan looked at him. He saw when we stopped dancing, still holding Jeonghan’s hands.
Everything started to make sense too fast.
The dance floor completely empty, outside of them. The song low enough, but now Jeonghan recognises it as something from Yiruma, Jeonghan’s favorite piano artist.
Jihoon looking for the moment to change the song, Minghao separating the wine glasses, Junhui clapping when they stepped on the dance floor.
Seunghcheol constantly tapping his pocket.
Everyone seems like they are looking at them.
Jeonghan dropped his hand from Seungcheol’s.
Cold runs into Jeonghan’s veins and he doesn’t know. He does not know. He does not want to know.
Seungcheol got on one knee.
“Hannie, as I’m still a step away, with only the wind surrounding us, I need to say I’ve always needed you. To me, who is out of breath, you are the only one…”
He was not breathing. Wasn’t he supposed to breath?
Seungcheol’s family was just behind him, at the other side of the garden. His dad with a proud smile, his brother side by side with his wife, who was smiling wide as holding the Dom Perignon bottle. His mother was polite as always.
His mother whose ring Seungcheol was about to take out of his pocket.
Jeonghan looked in front of him and saw Halmoni.
He couldn't listen anymore. He wasn’t listening anymore.
“No.”
The sound of a bottle being splashed at the ground, the silence of a non-celebration.
He walked away, a heart full of something he would never know how to name, Seungcheol standing crestfallen behind him.
***
now
Jeonghan had to excuse himself as the couple entered the venue. He made it look casual, like it was just a misjudgement of time.
If his eyes were a little red when he came back, it was disguised with everyone else’s. The emotional parts taken in the soft hearted ones.
That’s not how he would describe his.
From his standing area he could see the ring shining, a relic passed from generations and that once he had seen up close.
He should talk to the groom. He felt too miserable to talk to the groom.
Jeonghan walked to the champagne table just so he could have something to do. As soon as he downed his god knows what glass, Seungcheol, in all bones and flesh, stood in front of him.
“I’m glad you made it. I wasn’t sure you had got the invitation. You didn’t reply to the confirmation seat.”
That was it. Seungcheol was talking to him. He wondered if he was hoping the invitation had not got the owner, but again, not answering things might have been Jeonghan’s problem all along.
Seungcheol was too nice to say anything.
“Ah, yes. Sorry about that. Got busy. But I’m thankful you still saved a seat for me.”
“I’ll always save a seat for you, Jeonghan.”
He said it so casually. Old Seungcheol would’ve spilled every drop of these sentences like a line out of a romance book, feeling every word like an oath. Now it sounded like his mother politeness.
“Right.” Jeonghan cleaned his throat. “Nice decoration by the way. You guys did great”. He was feeling like puking. He drank so much champagne. What was he saying?
“Oh, thank you! But it was all Seungkwan. And a little of Mingyu. You know how they are.” Seungcheol laughed his corporate laugh and Jeonghan couldn't take it anymore.
“Congratulation, Seungcheol. I’m happy for you. You guys make a beautiful couple”
There’s a bile type of tasting on his mouth. Is not the taste of a lie. Is the taste of a truth he doesn’t want to admit.
“Thank you, Jeonghan. It means at lot.”
Seungcheol’s eyes softened as he spoke, a type of look that was once destined to his deep feeling of love and that Jeonghan saw each time someone complimented them both.
It 's too much. What a shame Jeonghan is so fucked in the head.
***
Jeonghan doesn’t stay for the vows celebrations. He tried to listen, but Seokmin’s voice wavered with a thick feeling that had stuck on his head.
“Seunghceol-hyung was made to be a lovely groom. Any word against that could only come out of some mad person. Now that I see your day filled with laughter and the reassurance you never stop smiling, I can only be happy that you found the real thing…”
The knowledge of the words are as strong as a fired echo in his ears. He leaves before he can listen to more of it.
Jeonghan walks away on the shredded path he chose for himself in an attempt of forgetting the answer to a question he got ready to say too much too late.
Yes.