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Coming back felt… meaningless. At this point it was ridiculous to even pretend that she had any control over her own life; she was simply something to be protected, controlled, pitied. A wave of anger rolled through her, and she immediately tried to withdraw, swallow it, return to that place that every doctor steered her towards of observing her emotions as opposed to actually feeling them.
It wasn’t like anyone particularly wanted her around, either. While the battles between the War College and Starfleet Academy had been fun, it hadn’t made her any friends at the academy. And after the incident on the Miyazaki, she knew no one would ever come near her again. Hell, Caleb hadn’t even sent her a message.
Everything felt slow. Dark. Like it was in greyscale. And she couldn’t even tell if it was her or the inhibitor.
To top it all off, the chancellor and the doctor were waiting to embarrass her in front of the entire academy. If the other students hadn’t been watching her before, they were then, and their attention felt like pinpricks all over her psyche.
By the time she got to her new quarters, it felt like it couldn’t get any worse. She’d been assigned roommates – friends of Caleb’s and Ocam’s, people she’d gotten to know in passing – but she could only imagine how she’d be intruding on their lives, and how they, in turn, would be intruding on her mind.
Much to her surprise, when the doors opened, she was met with a wave of warmth, along with the very excited presence of SAM. As she cautiously entered the room, SAM immediately bounded over from where she’d been laughing with Genesis. It would’ve felt overwhelming if she hadn’t felt the genuine care directed at her.
SAM’s excitement was infectious, surprisingly. Tarima hadn’t had such an innocent interaction in a long time, rare even before the Miyazaki. The whole time they talked, though, Genesis stayed in the corner, not even looking at Tarima or SAM. Even though the warmth from SAM was overwhelming enough to prevent her from receiving any feelings from Genesis, Tarima couldn’t help but get the sneaking feeling that Genesis was disgusted with her. The voice of one of her doctors chimed in to remind her that not everyone was out to get her, but in all honesty, if they were here at the academy, they’d probably see where she was coming from. When Genesis saw her looking, she sent a terse smile, then returned to whatever she was working on.
It wasn’t so bad, Tarima tried to tell herself, refocusing on SAM. She’d expected worse. But it still stung that Genesis wouldn’t even really talk to her, even though she and SAM had clearly been having fun before Tarima had walked in.
A little while later Genesis pulled SAM away, saying they had something to do. Falling onto her new bed, Tarima couldn’t help but feel the loss of SAM’s warmth, wondering if they did actually have somewhere to be, or if Genesis just wanted to get away from her.
Most of her things were already unpacked and apparently, she didn’t have anywhere to be. In a different place and time, she would’ve explored her new home, but she didn’t really want to deal with any more stares or the flinching of people’s minds as she passed. Wondering if Caleb had finally reached out, she checked her messages. Nothing.
Even though she had always felt things very strongly, it seemed like she was so much more prone to crying now. As the tears pricked her eyes she tried to swallow them back, frustrated with the way her control slipped around. Nobody wanted her like this, least of all, her.
Surveying the room, Tarima laughed a little bit at SAM’s pillow, curious what she would have to say about all the other things in the room. Genesis’s side was tidy, but with more mementos than SAM. And her own space-
Wait. Was that an alorpina plant? She leaned towards the shelf next to her bed, inspecting it closely. They were rare to see even on Betazed, prized for their beauty, symbolizing loyalty, devotion, even affection. A gift of one was an incredible honour, SAM must have gone to great lengths to acquire it. Tarima couldn’t help but smile.
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“I’m sorry,” said Caleb. The words seemed gruff and insincere, even as she could feel the genuine care and sorrow wafting off him. She wondered if he knew how those two things were often in opposition: his words and his feelings. “I just didn’t know how to handle you in my mind. I… don’t like people knowing things about me.” Tarima bristled. So often others accused Betazoids of prying, but she hadn’t ever pried. What they’d shared in his mind had been special. While she always wanted to respect others’ privacy, some part of him had invited her in. And he didn’t even realise, happy to thrust ownership onto someone else yet again. He looked down, scuffing his boot on the floor, and the care melted into guilt, wafting over her sickeningly. “I… I’m sorry. Over break I… I got to know someone else. I just wanted you to know it wasn’t about the Miyazaki…” Static filled Tarima’s ears, and she forced a smile up at him. Revulsion and self-loathing filled her. It didn’t really matter what he said, she knew she was broken, the problem.
It took everything she had to hold back the tears as they filed into class. The last place she wanted to be was in this awful class with this horrible teacher, but SAM’s warmth at her back made it a little bit bearable.
Somehow, she made it through class without breaking down. As soon as everything was done, she scrambled to her feet. But Lieutenant Tilly held up a finger, stopping her. Tarima wished she was the type of person who could pretend she hadn’t seen, but she wasn’t.
By the time she was free of Tilly’s persistent examination, everyone had disappeared to lunch. Wishing she were invisible as the stares and spikes of discomfort came at her, she moved quickly to the mess, hoping SAM would be there.
But when she got to the mess hall, she couldn’t see SAM. Caleb and Genesis were stood outside, having what looked to be a very intense conversation. It figured that Genesis was the one he’d grown close to. They made sense together; more sense than Caleb and Tarima. Genesis was normal, wouldn’t barge into Caleb’s mind.
Wishing she hadn’t gotten held behind and been able to use SAM or Jay-Den as a shield against the rest of the room, she quickly got food. She wasn’t sure exactly where to sit – unsure if Caleb would find her presence annoying – but Ocam waved her over. Just as she reached the table Genesis threw her hands up and stormed away from Caleb, moving back inside to join the others. Tarima watched through her eyelashes as Genesis’s scowl got deeper. As she reached the table, Tarima turned away, not wanting to get caught.
The warmth washed over her again as she turned, and SAM appeared, eagerly greeting everyone. Tarima smiled at her and sat down, feeling grounded again. She hadn’t quite realised how rattled she’d been by her conversation with Lieutenant Tilly and the long walk to lunch alone. Caleb vanished, but it didn’t matter, SAM was turning out to be the friendliest face of all.
The rest of the week was made bearable by SAM’s warmth and solid presence, not just protectively enveloping Tarima, but providing a real counterpoint to all the things that kept going around her head since the Miyazaki.
But it was never stable. Genesis seemed to be forever dragging SAM away, each time the warmth retreating and leaving Tarima bereft.
It wasn’t until the end of the week that SAM or Genesis joined them at lunch again. Tarima had been picking at her food as Caleb and Jay-Den chatted next to her, their feelings a confusing swirl of overwhelming emotion. Ocam was busy, head buried in a book. SAM bounded over, blessedly alone, and Tarima found herself brightening in anticipation. Immediately they started chatting, SAM sharing a new wonder, her excitement infectious.
But something niggled at Tarima, a lingering feeling that it took her several minutes to identify: the warmth was gone. Immediately, it felt like the greyscale descended again as she realised that Genesis had finally gotten to SAM. Her heart pounded and she wanted to jump into action, but there was nothing to do, nothing to say. Genesis had gotten what she’d wanted.
She tried to get through lunch, still nodding and smiling at SAM, not wanting her to notice, even if it was she who’d changed so much and not Tarima. Hoping that she’d learned enough shielding and subterfuge over the years to fool her brother, she disguised how little she was eating until it was socially acceptable to get up and leave.
The hallways seemed – somehow – even lonelier than they had that first day. Tarima hadn’t even quite recognised how much colour SAM had brought to her world, and now it was all gone again.
She was exhausted.
Her wandering brought her to the chancellor’s office, and by the time she got there she was ready to be done.
Taking a chance, she sought admittance and was pleasantly surprised when Chancellor Ake let her in. But then Tarima felt the waves of concern emanating from her; the chancellor had probably been fretting over Tarima the whole time.
She didn’t want to carry the weight of someone else’s emotions.
“I’m here to request new quarters,” said Tarima, jumping to the point, not wanting to waste time, especially if the chancellor would use that time by talking about what had happened to Tarima.
The chancellor tilted her head, her eyes wide. “Why?”
“My roommates don’t want me. It would be easier for them if I were somewhere else.” Maybe if she appealed to the chancellor on behalf of someone else, she’d listen. It’s not like anyone particularly listened to what Tarima wanted.
“Cadet Lythe specifically requested that you bunk with her and SAM,” started the chancellor. That didn’t make sense at all… “She even spent the break cultivating an alorpina… I told her that was the best option – my memory didn’t fail me there, did it?”
“No, but why-”
“I know you’re struggling, Tarima, that you don’t want to be here. But I believe you have a place here with us, and I’m not the only one. Your teachers say you’re doing well. I see you’ve found a group of friends, and they want you here. We are so grateful to have you as part of Starfleet. You’re respected here.”
“Actually, I’m pretty sure Genesis hates me.” The chancellor did another head tilt, and before she could continue talking – so fond of her own uplifting speeches – Tarima continued. “I know she and Caleb are together now. I’m sure it would be better for her if I just disappeared, and-”
“Mmm. I imagine it’s difficult living under the onslaught of others’ emotions, especially in a place like this, where so many of you are in the stages where emotions tend to be bigger. I know that what happened on the Miyazaki will take time-”
“I don’t need time, Chancellor, I just need a new room.” Tarima tried to keep the frustration from her voice, but experience told her she was likely unsuccessful.
But the chancellor didn’t seem phased. “I think you are mistaken about Caleb and Genesis. In fact, I think his eye has been taken by our resident healer…”
Tarima wasn’t sure whether to believe the chancellor or not. While there had always been a sort of connection between Jay-Den and Caleb, she hadn’t imagined – or realised? – it was serious.
But it didn’t matter, Genesis still disliked Tarima for some reason. “I still would like a new room. It’s just-” she choked, hesitated. The chancellor nodded her on. “When I got here, I felt so much… warmth from SAM. When I first stepped into the room it was like…” she couldn’t find the words, but then she realised it didn’t matter, that she was already embarrassed by this whole thing and didn’t want to have to explain any more to the chancellor who would likely ignore her anyway.
The chancellor raised an eyebrow and Tarima felt herself flush. “Tarima, SAM is photonic. While I would never want to dismiss SAM’s feelings or imply anything about a photonic’s ability to have them, I want to remind you that Betazoids would not be able to sense them.” She smiled slightly and paused.
It took Tarima a minute. She hadn’t realised she could feel any more humiliated, but when the realisation hit her, she felt incredibly stupid: it had never been SAM’s warmth. It had always been Genesis’s. SAM and Genesis had always been together and Tarima had stupidly mistaken SAM’s enthusiasm and Genesis’s curtness as indicative of something…
Tarima forced a smile. “Thank you for your time, Chancellor.” She desperately needed to get out of there before she cried or embarrassed herself further or both.
The chancellor offered her a quizzical smile before looking down at her desk and waving a hand. “You’re dismissed, cadet.”
As Tarima left the chancellor’s office, a wave of amusement followed her out.
Even though Tarima was completely confused, her room was still much safer than the halls, so she made her way directly back, unsure what to expect.
When the doors swished open the wave of warmth was so intense that Tarima was sure she was seeing new colours that she’d never seen before, not even before the Miyazaki. She stood just inside the door, blinking, trying to catch her breath.
“Oh!” Genesis jumped to her feet. “I’m sorry, I’ll just…” She started gathering her things to leave. It was only now that Tarima realised that Genesis had probably been trying to give her space all that time, to make sure SAM gave her space, too. She wondered if Genesis knew or understood how rare it was to get distance from others’ emotions, and how even if Tarima had been confused by Genesis’s actions, the time to just manage herself without the waves of everyone else had been a gift.
“Please don’t go,” Tarima said quietly. Genesis paused, returning her bag to the chair, watching Tarima carefully. Tarima didn’t even know where to start, what to say. “Thank you,” she finally settled on.
“For what?”
Tarima could tell now that there was more underneath the general warmth that had been emanating from Genesis. It was all a swirl, and she let it just wash over her, not trying to pick apart the pieces and understand, simply basking in its support. “For caring. For making sure I had space. For going to the chancellor and asking to be my roommate.” A broken laugh escaped, as she realised how mixed up she’d been about things. “I actually thought- I thought Caleb didn’t want to be with me anymore so that you guys could date.”
Genesis laughed. “Really?” She shook her head. “He’s such a twat.”
“What?”
“I can’t believe he just said all that stuff to you in front of everyone! He was being such a jerk. I felt so bad that you saw it that day at lunch – I’d been trying to catch him, but he’s been so busy with Jay-Den. If you hadn’t come in, then I probably would’ve torn into him in front of the whole school.” Tarima couldn’t help the smile at the thought. “I know it’s been hard for you here. I just wanted you to be as comfortable as possible. I tried to make sure you had some space without me and SAM, too, just in case we were too much.” The swirl of another feeling rose to the surface, and Tarima couldn’t help but notice it. It tinged on affection, but was more than that, something closer to longing.
Tarima smile grew and she stepped closer as butterflies erupted in her stomach. The alorpina hadn’t just been about loyalty. It had been more about the devotion and affection, it seemed. “There wasn’t another reason you’ve been avoiding me?” Tarima asked archly, holding out a hand.
Genesis blinked up at her for a moment before looking down. Then, seeming to resolve herself, she squared her shoulders and looked back up, her gaze piercing, her eyes sparkling and beautiful as she slipped a hand into Tarima’s.
Suddenly reality slipped sideways and they were standing in front of a lake. Tarima started to panic, realising what was happening, remembering how poorly Caleb had reacted when they’d shared a similar connection. But Genesis squeezed Tarima’s hand as she calmly looked around, a smile spreading across her face. As she took in the scenery, Tarima watched; she was so beautiful, and as her expression cycled through wonder and joy and excitement and happiness and peace, Tarima followed every line of her face, every quirk of her lips, every sparkle of her eyes.
“This is my home,” said Genesis in wonder. “How did we get here?”
“Sometimes it happens,” said Tarima, torn between trying to play it off casually and being totally honest with Genesis, still worried she would accidentally find the teddy bear hidden in the flowers. “It only happens when I share a deep connection with someone.”
“Yeah?” Genesis’s gaze came back to Tarima, and this time her smile was the widest Tarima had ever seen. The warmth of her emotions had coalesced into affection, adoration, attraction, and a tingly excitement. “I’m so glad to share this with you. I wish I could show you more – it’s an honour.”
Tarima couldn’t believe it, that someone would say they were honoured to even be in her presence. That hadn’t happened since the accident with her father.
Even as she wanted to hold onto the happiness and joy, she couldn’t help it as her face crumpled and grief washed over her. She brought her hands to her face and felt the connection drop away.
“Hey,” said Genesis quietly, moving closer, the sweet smell of her washing over Tarima. “I’ve got you.” Slipping her arms around Tarima, Genesis pulled her close, kissing her hair as Tarima cried into her shoulder. It felt like such a relief, an unbelievable gift to be seen and loved anyway. For the first time in a while, someone held Tarima and let her just be. There was no concern coming from Genesis, just the comforting warmth.
When she’d finally cried all the tears she could, Tarima opened her eyes. Her gaze fell to the alorpina, which was just developing buds. Slipping her hands around Genesis’s waist, she pulled her closer.