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Samira waited until she was the last one in the viewing room before finally slipping her hand into his. Robby had been the last one out, and before he left, his grim, tight-lipped expression had told her all she needed—that he had known about them and would buy her a few minutes.
Which was apropos because wasn’t that all that they had had? Just a few stolen moments here and there that they had managed to scrape together since the last Fourth of July? “Our little secret,” she had once whispered to him, never imagining what that would start, what it would become, and where it would end.
Her heart sat with the unfairness of it all. How was it possible that his hands had mapped out every inch of her skin, yet had never held hers in public? She intertwined her fingers in his and brought them up to her lips. They were cold and lifeless, but she could still remember how they had felt, tracing her jaw, her neck in reverence the first time they had kissed.
They had carved out secret interdimensional pockets of reality together where time had moved differently. The gravity of their situation forced every moment to simultaneously last forever and slip away too fast.
One more month, that’s all they had needed before they could finally come out of the darkness. She would have finished her residency, and it wouldn’t have been taboo any longer. Sure, the illicitness had been part of the attraction at first, a quiet rebellion against the world that had put her in this situation. A world where her father had been taken away from her too soon, where her own mother time and time again chose her own happiness over her daughter’s, where her sacrifices could be thrown away so carelessly, where she always left alone and alone and alone….
But somewhere along the way it had turned into a promise of a future, together. A promise now broken by a bullet through and through. His face had been cleaned up, but the sheet still covered what was left of his neck.
She had once made him hum while she had used her lips and tongue to find the exact spot where it vibrated the most. He had teased her for not knowing her basic human anatomy, but no one had ever studied the effect his voice had on her so she had needed to conduct her own research.
It was over before it had even begun. A secret kept, a promise broken.
A knock on the door made her drop his hand by reflex. Grief and shame tore through her and erupted in a single sob. Why did it even matter any more? There was nothing left to hide.
She felt Dr. Robby’s arms surrounding her and finally let herself fall apart.
Minutes or hours later, when she was finally spent, he released her at last. His hoodie was covered with her tears and snot, but he didn’t seem to care. She wiped her eyes and nose as best she could before he handed her a handkerchief. Who still carries around handkerchiefs?
“I’m so sorry, Samira.”
She blew her nose into the handkerchief, long past caring about how she looked or acted.
“He told you?”
He paused before replying. “Not everything. But he gave me this to give to you if anything…if anything ever happened.” He slipped an envelope into her hands and took the soiled handkerchief back. “Stay here as long as you need. You’re done for the day.”
Normally she would have argued with him, but she knew he was right. She wouldn’t be able to provide the kind of care a patient deserved, not now. So she nodded and said, “Thank you.” As tears threatened to spill over again, she asked, “Actually, can I hold onto…”
He looked down at the dirty handkerchief in his hand, hesitated, then handed it back to her. “Keep it.” As the door closed behind him, she could already hear the automatic dispense of hand sanitizer going off. The familiar sound grounded her, reminding her where she was.
“For Samira” was written on the outside of the envelope. She traced the words with her fingers, wondering how long ago he had written them.
My dearest,
If you are reading this, I am sorry. I never wanted you to have to read these words, but I need you to hear them if I am gone. These last few months have brought me more happiness than I could ever have imagined. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way again. You have done that. Given this old man a reason to keep coming back.
I have cherished every moment we had together. I have been selfish, stealing your youth, but I am helpless when it comes to you. Your goodness and kindness are matched only by your beauty and intelligence.
If you are reading this, know that I have no regrets, except that I wish we had had more time. Please forgive me, my darling. I hope to god you never have to read these words, but I am old-fashioned, and it will give me peace to know they have been captured and that you will have them. All my love,
Jack
An anger suddenly erupted through her. How dare he?! How dare he claim these things and yet still choose to put his life on the line? Why couldn’t he have chosen her? Why didn’t anyone ever choose her?
The numbing loneliness she had sustained before knowing him was a hundred times preferable to this. This was a different type of emptiness. Hollowed out from the promise of hope. It was cavernous. It would never be filled. Her heart called to him but it only echoed in the void.
She couldn’t be in the Viewing Room any longer. She blindly made her way to the elevator, bumping into someone, she didn’t know who, pressed a button without thinking. Remembered the first time he had brought her to the rooftop.
“What if someone sees us?”
“No one else ever comes up here except Robby, and he’s already gone for the day.”
He had led her to the railing, held her from behind, shielding her from the cold, supporting her physically.
“These hands, “ he said as he grasped both of hers in his, “saved lives today.” He kissed the back of her neck gently. “They saved the boy who almost drowned. They saved the motorcyclist. They saved the heart attack victim.”
“They didn’t save Mr. Diaz,” she choked out. He held her even tighter.
“You did everything you could. I read the chart, talked to Robby. There was nothing you could have done.” If anyone else had said these words to her, she would have allowed them to roll off without acknowledgment, common platitudes meant to comfort, not to speak truth. But because she knew him, knew he wouldn’t lie to her, wouldn’t be anything other than fully honest with her, she allowed herself to believe it. Leaned back into him to let him know without words that she had heard him.
“Thank you.” Against her own wishes, she said, “You should probably go. They’ll be looking for you.”
“I can stay a few more minutes.” And so they stayed up on the rooftop, her body braced against his, taking and giving comfort in silence, until her breathing and heartbeat finally returned to normal.
Suddenly, she knew with perfect clarity, and the security she found in his arms gave her the courage to do what happened next. She turned around to face him, needed to look him in the eyes as she said for the first time, “I love you.”
He had closed his eyes and inhaled as if in pain, but his embrace did not relent. If anything, he held her tighter to him. After a beat, he released his breath, looked at her, and echoed the same words back to her. “I love you too.” Kissed her once on her forehead and finally let go.
The elevator doors dinged and opened. Whereas in her memories the sky had been dark, now the harsh light of day bleached the panoramic view. Another difference, the lone figure of Dr. Robby on the wrong side of the railing.
“Robby!” she called out, running to him. Her heart skipped a beat as his balance faltered for a second before he found it again. She grabbed his chest from behind, pinning him to her and the safety rail.
“Robby, what are you doing?!”
“I can’t, I can’t…I failed, Samira, I failed him, and I failed you,” he cried as he crumbled against her. His weight brought both of them to the ground, and she had to let go momentarily when the railing got in the way. She gathered him onto her lap, away from the edge, and this time she was the one that held him as he wept. Each of his cries resonated with the emptiness in her heart. Their mutual love for Jack simultaneously merging their grief and tearing down any semblance of professional boundaries they had had.
After a while, she realized that in comforting Robby, her own despair had been lessened by the smallest of measures. Though there was still no horizon to the pain yet, maybe…just maybe, together, they would eventually be able to heal.