Work Text:
you liked to think you weren't a jealous person. you knew it wasn't as true as you wanted it to be, but you tried your best to convince yourself of it all the same.
and, to be fair, it wasn't quite jealousy, but it was definitely a close cousin. it was more like a deep sense of shame whenever your loved ones chose anyone over you, because that just confirmed the fear that you weren't enough for them. it grew like mould, festering in the dark, damp corners of your relationships, growing unchecked until you finally braved that room you locked away with a torch to clear the dust and cobwebs. by the time you could see it clearly it was too late. the spores had already lodged themselves under your skin and taken root, encroaching further into your body with every breath you took, extending their rot over your organs and crusting over your heart.
you liked to think you weren't a jealous person. but when your only friend had been talking to someone else the entire night, you couldn't help but feel that achy pain begin to flicker in your chest, taking root while you hid yourself in the corner of the room, sipping your drink that tasted like battery acid. your only comfort was the host's elderly dog currently lying over your legs, drooling on your jeans with her tail thumping the floor. scratching behind her ears, you couldn't help but follow felix as he moved around the room, eyes fixed on him.
he looked so beautiful like this. his blonde hair almost glowed under the led strip lights like a halo, but his smile was by far the brightest thing, so bright it almost blinded you. something about him just drew people in, you couldn't blame them for wanting his attention because you were also caught in his snare, begging for scraps, begging him to keep his eyes on you for just a second. but that was the thing, wasn't it? with so many people vying for him, you weren't going to get much anyway. it was selfish to want more.
he said he was your friend. but right now, with galaxies between you, it didn't feel like it. you weren't sure he meant it the way you meant it. felix's definition of friendship seemed to be much more casual than yours. maybe it was skewed because you didn't really have any other people willing to be your friend for one reason or another (not that you helped it by being so antisocial). all the years the two of you had been close somehow didn't reassure you. there was always a chance he could leave. so many people were more interesting, more reliable, more stable. surely one day he'd wake up and realise he deserved better.
the only reason you were here was because felix had those eyes you couldn't say no to. it would be like kicking a kitten. but it was times like this you really wished you had the willpower. you felt so small here, invisible to everyone except the golden lab in your lap. even the one who had been trying to convince you to come for the entire week didn't look your way.
he was allowed to have other friends. he was. you still couldn't help the nausea burning its way up your throat watching him have fun without you.
you needed to leave before you did something stupid.
you tried to fight the thoughts you knew were coming. felix wasn't a bad guy. he just had other friends, and that was… fine. even if he had a slight tendency to ignore you at these sorts of events, you could entertain yourself.
but, seriously, what was the point of felix spending almost a whole week trying to convince you to come with him to that stupid party, and then just ignoring you? what was the damn point? and it wasn't like you were the type of person who could socialise with new people easily, if at all. he knew that. at least you thought he did. you'd told him about your struggles making friends enough times, but did he even listen if he didn't remember that? did he even care? you weren't so sure anymore.
a friend would remember that kind of basic information. you knew a lot about felix, possibly too much. definitely too much. you would remember. why couldn't he make the same effort for you? didn't you deserve that? you were a good friend, right? he said you were. so why couldn't he be that to you?
maybe you weren't the easiest person to be friends with, but you tried so hard. you started gaming to have a common interest, you took on the chores he hated around your shared apartment, you even went to the stupid fucking parties you hated just to spend time with him and what did you get? nothing.
what was the point of trying anymore? you were always doing so much more than the other person in every relationship you'd ever had, clinging desperately to someone that had already planned their exit before they'd even entered their relationship, like holding onto a ledge by the tips of your fingers that was covered in baby oil and constantly getting shorter. people always got tired of you. you were stupid for believing felix would be different. no one was ever different.
you slammed the front door of the apartment shut, dropping your bag beside the boots you haphazardly kicked off. you needed to do something. anything to distract yourself.
a shiver ran through you, and you fidgeted with the worn cuffs of your baggy hoodie, twisting the distressed strings around your fingers. you felt… itchy.
your hair. it needed a refresh, probably, and you had all of the dye under the sink. rummaging through the bottles, you picked out a random one, it didn't matter.
instead of it calming you down like usual, you just got angrier as you massaged the dye into your hair. of course felix wasn't different. he was pretty and popular, and everyone loved him. he was just so effortlessly perfect that of course he was fake inside. those types of people always were, he was just able to keep up his mask for longer. you were stupid for buying into the act. no one was that nice to you. no one stayed that kind to you for that long. why would they be? people sucked, even the pretty ones. especially the pretty ones. and he was exceptionally pretty.
well, his pretty face couldn't help him now. you'd seen him for what he really was inside.
the text finally came when you were in the middle of recording a voice message waiting for the dye to marinate. you couldn't help the spark of hope flaring in your chest at the notification sound.
- hey are you okay? chan told me you left
- i'm so sorry i ignored you all night :(
- i didn't mean to, i got distracted talking to jisung because i haven't seen him in a while
it took him this long to notice and that was all he could say? was this some kind of joke? because it wasn't funny.
why couldn't you just have one person on your side for once? were you that unlikeable?
your finger slipped. the message sent. your heart jumped into your throat.
- fuck
- don't listen to that
- i didn't mean to send it
it took you over a minute to delete your stupid, spiteful voice message, your head spinning and hands shaking too badly to click the stupid button. by then he definitely could have listened to it. you were fucked.
your knees buckled under you, and you slid to the floor, clutching your phone, watching like a hawk for any kind of response. nothing.
half an hour passed, and you heard the front door open and close again. felix stepped into the bathroom silently, the light from the hallway outside spilling in with him. he didn't say anything when he saw you sitting against the tub, head in your hands, instead turning the shower on to wash the dye out of your hair until the water ran clear.
no indication that he'd listened to your message. you couldn't even enjoy the feeling of your hair being washed when you wanted so badly to just get out of there, digging your nails into your palms to tamp down on the urge.
you were a horrible person. no matter how much effort you put in, you couldn't deny that you still sucked.
of course he'd want to talk to his friend who he hadn't seen in months, who probably had tons of amazing stories from his time studying abroad. of course. that was much more interesting than the same worries you rehashed on the regular or anecdotes from your lectures that were infinitely more boring when you actually said them out loud. you were so possessive of him that you couldn't give him a few hours with his friend. he must think you were disgusting.
you decided that it was best to avoid felix from then on. he already had enough trouble without you adding to it.
it wasn't the easiest feat while living with him, but he kept pretty regular hours. for a while, it worked. skipping a couple of classes to keep out of his way was no biggie. it wasn't anything you hadn't done before. you just couldn't look him in the eye after what happened.
he didn't deserve to have to deal with you. with enough time and breathing exercises, you could probably figure it out yourself. it wasn't unheard of to go into remission, it just took work. and, probably, a good amount of time away from people that you were far too dependent on for validation. you could do that. hopefully.
it was never going to work.
felix refused to abide by the no contact plan you hadn't told him about. he kept leaving notes around, sweet words tacked to the fridge and left inside your lunches making your heart clench. he was so frustrating. and sweet. saccharine. it was really hard to keep your distance when all you wanted to do was curl up in his lap while he stroked your hair and reassured you that he'd never leave you. which was exactly the kind of thoughts you were trying to avoid.
it was another long, lonely night. you couldn't sleep, your old memories with felix running laps around your head, slowly being recontexualised from happy reminiscences into worries that he had secretly hated you the entire time.
what made it worse was that he was never one to outwardly show when he didn't like someone. he was scarily good at keeping up the facade, all smiles and perfectly amiable until they left and he could drop the act. what if it was the same with you? what if, internally, he was fed up with you, his patience stretched to the limit and you only had to get one more thing wrong until he snapped.
once again you found yourself staring the bedraggled person reflected in the bathroom mirror, trying to figure out what you could change about your appearance to avoid a more full-on spiral. cutting and dyeing your hair didn't feel like enough this time.
your eyes drifted down drifted top right drawer of the counter, almost drawn to it. it called to you, the devil on your shoulder egging you on as you let the idea ruminate. you had promised felix not to do it again, but you'd never thrown the equipment out. he respected the privacy of your stuff too much to do it himself, even after he'd found you with a needle through your helix.
you'd always wanted a conch piercing.
it took you until you'd pushed the new jewellery through the hole in your cartilage to see felix's figure behind you, leaning against the doorframe. your heart jumped into your throat, and you dropped the tiny ball you were trying to screw into the post, your fingers trembling too hard to keep hold of the slippery metal.
he crouched down, picking it up and stepped closer, finishing the job off for you. his warm breath tickled your throbbing ear, sending a shiver down your spine as your eyes darted towards the open door. if you could just scoot around him and leave, it would be fine.
"i listened to the voice message."
your face crumpled immediately, a sharp feeling of betrayal stabbing you right in the heart. a painful lump formed in your throat "why would you do that."
"i'm sorry sweetheart, i started listening to it before you sent those messages telling me not to, and..." he sighed.
well, he knew now. felix knew what a horrible, petty asshole you were now and he was going to leave. he was going to kick you out and never speak to you again and you were going to be alone for the rest of your life because that's what someone like you deserved. "don't call me that," you said quietly, your eyes burning with unshed tears.
"yn…"
squeezing your eyes shut, you braced for the oncoming tirade.
"i'm sorry."
what?
"you're right." felix reached around you, grabbing the saline solution to clean your fresh piercing. "i keep taking you places you don't want to go and…" he sighed. "ignoring you. i never meant to, i just kept getting distracted."
you exhaled shakily, keeping your gaze firmly trained away from his face. you couldn't look him in the eyes right now without crying. "i just wanted to spend time with you," you whispered, barely able to force the words out.
"i know. i'm sorry. i've been an asshole."
"yeah," you said, not resisting when felix gathered you into his arms, pulling you into his chest. "you have been an asshole," you mumbled against his shirt, pressing your face to his shoulder.
tears began leaking from your eyes before you could stop them. wiping them away in frustration, you tried to pull back, but felix kept you close, let your tears drip onto his shirt, and for a few measly seconds, the storm in your head quieted down to a soft breeze.
"just talk to me next time, yeah? don't keep it in for so long. it's not good for you."
you wished you knew how to talk to him without choking on your own tongue.
"i'm taking your piercing stuff by the way. any more holes will be poked by professionals."
"but it's so expensive," you whined, pouting at him.
"because they have licenses, hon."
"that's dumb."
"that's safe."
"boo."
you weren't so confident about this movie night, but you had promised felix at least one outing every month to make sure you actually left your apartment once in a while, and this was all you could stand to go to. not that it wasn't already bad enough when you still didn't know any of his friends.
you ended up squished into the end of the sofa, felix curled up against your side, hugging your arm and handing you popcorn straight into your mouth. he was very determined not to repeat his past mistakes, and apparently that meant glueing himself to your side. it was the worst kind of torture, trying to follow the plot of the movie and ignore his hand intertwined with yours while your heart pounded hard against your ribs. maybe you should have gone to that frat party instead of whatever circle of hell you were currently experiencing. your crush on him had become exponentially worse since the incident, because of shit like this.
thankfully, it let up for a minute or two when felix extracted himself to get another drink.
"he has a major crush on you by the way." you looked over at seungmin, who hadn't looked up from scrolling on his phone. "he talks about you all the time."
your breath caught in your throat, your mind suddenly racing a mile a minute. he couldn't. "… should you be telling me this?"
"no, but it's been… a while. we thought it would be best to expedite the process."
"who is we? i had no say in this!"
their argument was slowly drowned out by the ringing in your ears. he liked you. lee felix. he liked you.
fuck.
you were the least inconspicuous person in the entire world. everyone's eyes were on you after seungmin revealed felix's secret, so trying to slip out of the room discretely wasn't an option, unfortunately. you were hoping to corner felix without them knowing, if you even had the nerve. you just had to talk it out. tell him how you felt. without crying and making a fool of yourself.
"they told you, didn't they?" he asked almost as soon as you stepped into the room.
"hm?" you tried to feign innocence, to no avail. you had been angling to pretend you wanted to get a drink—despite your full glass on the side table in the living room.
"you're acting strange."
there was really no point in denying it. "yeah, they did," you said with a quiet sigh.
he swallowed thickly, his fingers tapping the cup in his hand. "you don't have to—"
"i like you too," you whispered, like the words burned your mouth coming out of it. with the bile rising to the back of your throat, they might as well have. god, you wanted him, so badly it hurt, physically, "but we can't."
you watched his face fall, your heart clenching tight. you were barely able to force the words out through the lump in your throat, but you had to. "we can't date."
"why?" his hurt voice tore a fresh hole in your heart.
"felix, you know why. i don't want to hurt you more than i already have." your voice shook embarrassingly. squeezing your eyes shut and trying to ignore the image of felix's crestfallen face was the only way you could continue. "if we tried this it wouldn't end well. i need… i need to learn how to be a person when i'm not chasing validation. from you."
"can we still be friends?" he asked, with his big sad eyes disintegrating your will to keep him at arms length or further.
your mouth opened and closed a few times, your brain buffering as you tried to respond. "i… i guess…"
"i won't push, i promise. it'll just stay how it always has. whatever you need." he took a breath, steadying himself. "and if you ever feel like you're ready to start something between us… i'll be here."
he was impossible. "please don't do that," you whispered. you couldn't stand that thought. you weren't worth waiting for.
"don't tell me what to do with my life, hon," felix said, stepping closer, standing next to you where you were leaning back against the kitchen counter, his hand inching hesitantly closer to yours. "you're not talking me out of this, ynnie."
"you're being stupid," you mumbled.
"maybe," he replied, brushing his pinkie finger over the back of your hand, "but i'm allowed to be. it's my life."
you swallowed thickly, letting out a breath you felt like you'd been holding in for years. he was really doing this. stupid.
"i really do like you. love you," felix corrected himself. "i don't think it's just you that needs to work on things about themselves."
"what i'm trying to say is that… i love you. a lot. i want you in my life, preferably for the rest of it. if we stay friends forever, or become anything else... i don't care. i just want you here."
silently, you leaned closer. feeling your shoulders touch, even through your clothes, felt almost painful from the intensity of it. you rested your head on his shoulder, moving your hand to curl around his arm, hugging it close to your side. you said nothing, but you felt the shift between you.
you couldn't verbalise it quite yet, but maybe if you thought it hard enough, lee felix would know you loved him too. one day.