Chapter Text
“CONGRATULATIONS, my little cattywampus cucumbers! You picked the GOOD ENDING, where you realize you……”
Everything after that was honestly a blur. Caine kept going on about how this whole thing was actually just an adventure. I was so mad at him for tricking us like this, mad at myself for having such hope that this was the end, hope that we could escape. I was mad at myself for hesitating about the buttons, mad that that stupid purple rabbit ran up and impulsively hit the red button, and mad that I let it happen.
I wasn't even sure if mad was what I felt in this moment; I had never actually felt this way before. I wasn't exactly mad at Caine, I felt frustrated of course, but there was also a sense of being let down. I wasn't really mad at myself for being hopeful, I just felt a sense of gullibility for falling for it, but then again everyone else seemed pretty hopeful as well except for…
Jax… I don't know what to feel about what he did right now. He was right, but he could have been wrong, and I think that's what angers me the most. What if he pressed that button and that was it. We are still stuck here regardless of what happened but what if that one chance of escaping had been spoiled by his reckless impulse. I think the main thing I feel toward him right now is curiosity.
Why did you press that button knowing what it could mean for us who want to leave more than anything? Why do you never think about others and only think for yourself and what will benefit you? Why do you still pretend that all you are is some selfish asshole when I know there’s more? Why do you always hide yourself from others? Why do you push me away?
Suddenly I heard Jax say something, breaking me out of my train of thought. I turned to look at him, now hunched over the console, he looked to be, laughing? He started to laugh a little louder until I heard him clearly now.
“I can't believe I was RIGHT!”
With that he threw himself to the floor violently and started to laugh uncontrollably. Wheezing and kicking his feet as he laughed. I saw his eyes do that weird scribble thing that mine did when I was scared or spiraling. Of course, he also had his wide toothy grin plastered across his face as usual, but this time it looked much more manic than I'm used to.
The guy had lost it. I knew he wasn't being himself as of late, well not himself but his usual mask that he put up to scare off any possible acquaintances or even friends. This mask he usually wore with pride was now broken and I'm sure would not be coming back anytime soon. Something broke in him today that I don't think anyone was prepared for.
He finally stopped wheezing and laughing when he suddenly slammed both of his fists onto the console, drawing everybody's attention.
“You dirty liar! You scumbag! You– you made me– tch. You got in my head. You just– you just lie about everything, don't you?!”
“I uh, huh?”
“You can mess with our minds, too, can't you? The stupid sauce, the vegan thing, god knows what else!”
“Our names?” I add, still rattled about this new realization that he had just brought to my attention.
“Now-now hold on guys! Wait wait wait! I may have the ability to add temporary modifiers to make adventures more interesting, but that's it! If I did anything more– heh heh. Trust me. It would– not end well.”
Kinger then started, “Scratch. The first abstraction…”
“HEY, HEY, HEY! I didn't say anything like that! Come on guys! You know I'm just here to– have fun...”
All I could do was stare at him. I didn't know what to say or do, all I knew was that I felt way too many emotions at once but at this moment they all pointed towards one. Anger.
He said something else before leaving but I couldn’t care less. We were all left in that empty white room. Left in the circus. Left in our weird cartoon avatars. Left alone together.
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We all decided to leave after that. Nobody said anything though, it was all just so silent. Ragatha didn't try to cheer me up with any positive words that she always somehow managed to share, Kinger didn’t say anything to calm us down, Zooble and Gangle didn’t even share a nod or gesture about how they felt, and Jax didn't have any snarky lines to say to the group. It was all so eerily silent, but nobody dared to break it.
Everyone just walked to their rooms in a single file line. I watched as Kinger walked down to his pillow fort, Ragatha walked to her door, Gangle next, then Zooble, then finally Jax and me. Our rooms were across from each other. I turned around to look at him and he did the same. Our eyes met and widened for a second because of the unexpected, shared glance but I saw how tired he looked. His pupils weren't dilated like they usually were. Instead, they were these little black squares that seemed to shake a little. His smile was completely gone, and his mouth was closed with no expression. He looked at me, then looked away and closed his door lightly before I did the same.
Once in my room, I didn't really know what to do so I just decided to sleep, but sleep did not come easy at all. So many thoughts of what happened today crowded my mind and prevented me from resting. I felt so many feelings that pointed me in all different directions all day long and they were now all flooding back. I started to choke a little until I couldn't hold it in any longer, hot tears ran down the sides of my cheeks.
I cried softly as I buried my head in my blankets, sniffing and choking and wailing quietly, trying not to disturb the others in their rooms in case the walls were thin. I cried and cried until every emotion I felt today had a chance to escape and not be contained any longer in my mind. It felt good to get all of that out. Of course, what happened today still hurt nonetheless, I just felt better about it, I felt more thought through in a way.
After I calmed down enough to breathe again, I decided that sleeping would be for the best right now, I had just had a very long day. But I also thought that I would try to talk with Jax tomorrow, since he doesn't really have anyone to talk to about what happened. Plus, I really want to know the answers to my questions on why he did what he did today. Maybe I can try and patch up any open wounds that were left after that gun adventure. I still feel bad for what happened that day, but I hope he knows that he hurt me too, more mentally than anything. I just want to make sure he’s okay though, the guy has a lot of issues that he never talks about with anybody and it’s not good to bottle those feelings up. I hope we can learn to be friends once more… because despite everything, I still care.