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A cold chill seeped into her bones as the train flew by them, drowning out the sound of her thoughts. Lila pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders as she picked at her jerky. It was stale and frankly quite disgusting, but it was manageable. Better than some of the other shit they’ve eaten down here.
The fire they had started had been slowly dwindling as the hours passed. ‘I’m not a miracle worker,’ Five had claimed, which sounded like a bullshit excuse to her. Even so, said fire had done little to fend off the harsh cold that persisted in the night.
She insisted they needed to go searching for better clothing and better blankets. Five was lucky he had about 700 layers of clothing on at all times, but all Lila had was her sweater, her jacket, and a dirty pair of jeans. He insisted they could look the minute they found a timeline with actual people and stores in it, but those had been hard to come by these days. Usually they were preoccupied trying to find food or medicine anyway. The blankets they did have were thin, ratty and dirty. She just prayed the next timeline they stepped on had a sleeping bag somewhere. Things were dire.
Yesterday marked the first year of being stuck in this shithole.
It made her sick to think about. It had been a whole year since she had seen her family. She wished she could say that the days flew by, but they didn’t. She felt every single painful second she had been stuck here. Five had assured her that time moved differently here, and it probably had not been the same amount of time for their family, but that didn’t deter her much. She honestly wasn’t sure if Five believed what he was saying, it felt more like a self-assurance than anything.
Lila wondered if Diego missed her. Maybe they assumed she had just gotten so fed up that she ran away and never turned back. With the way she left things, she wouldn’t necessarily blame them for thinking that way, but she couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Diego like that. She had hurt him enough.
God, and her family. She had spent so much of her life mourning them, and when she finally got them back, they were cruelly ripped from her grasp. Just like they had been all those years ago.
Tears welled in her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall. It had just been the smoke from the fire.
She wondered if she would ever see them again. How much more would she have to endure before whatever god that was watching over her would finally deem her worthy of a family? Though, if there had been a god watching over her, she was sure that it was punishing her for something she had done. She tried so hard to stay optimistic, like Five had been. Despite his deeply cold and incredibly unpleasant personality, he was quite the optimist, she had come to learn… and actually appreciate. He seemed dead-set on the fact that they’d get out of this place, and soon. Lila prayed to that god that his optimism wasn’t going to run out any time soon.
She knew he was missing his family too. How could he not? He had already done this song and dance before. Five may be a piece of shit, but he had a heart that was too big for his body, and that heart had a large hole in it the shape of his family. But Five was hardly someone who talked about his feelings out loud, especially without being provoked. Actually, it was usually worse when he was provoked, he was so incredibly defensive that there were more important things he needed to be doing than talking about his feelings. He insisted he could face them when they got out. The when hadn’t gone unnoticed by her.
That was fine by Lila. She’d rather not have to play therapist for him. She’s sure whatever therapist he probably didn’t see would need therapy after talking to him.
He had been working day in and day out, looking for clues or oddities in every timeline they jumped in. And when he wasn’t doing that he was up all night scribbling away in his little notepad. Likely some math bullshit she never cared to understand. That, or he was still trying to transcribe the unidentified language they had spotted all across the station.
Probably all dead-ends, she had bleakly suggested.
Better than doing nothing, he had pointedly retorted.
Touché.
She wasn’t actually doing nothing, it was just that Five was doing too much. Sure, he probably knew better than her in this scenario, but it didn’t take away from the fact that Five was overexerting himself for no reason. Lila was just being smarter about it. Yeah.
For one, she had gotten better at controlling her laser-eye powers, which Five seemed to appreciate very much. She had noticed his reluctance to ever stand in line of her eyesight. It was honestly pretty cool, and much more useful in their situation than the two of them had assumed. Other than the immediate given that it was an absolute killer, she had the pleasure of cutting a couple more dude’s or animal’s in half. Lila had found it useful when trying to explore some of the destroyed timelines they had stumbled across, some places had the jackpot of food and supplies that were just hiding underneath rubble they would’ve never been able to get through if her lasers couldn’t cut through it. It took some caution however, one time she had attempted it and completely destroyed a week's worth of food. Five didn’t speak to her for 2 days after that.
That also meant that, two, she had gotten way better at scavenging. Her mother had given her some survival training in her youth, but she never really got the opportunity to test out the skills she had learned. Unfortunately, it turns out that training is very different from actually being in the scenario you are training for. But it also meant that she wasn’t a chump when it came to it, even if there was no doubt that Five was better. He had years of experience, and a lot of wisdom to pass on, which made her gag. She hated old man wisdom.
Though she could exactly deny that it helped. She honestly learned a lot more from him than she ever had from her mother, but you’d likely find her dead before she admitted it out loud.
Lila stared across the floor to where Five had been curled up, attempting to sleep for once. She could tell he was still awake by his deep shivering sigh, and the way his hand had bunched up the thin blanket over his shoulders and pulled it closer. She heard a very congested-sounding sniffle and worried he was getting sick. He had been off lately.
Despite her breakthrough in her new found powers, he had yet to rediscover his blinking, which frustrated him to no end. Every time he attempted, it just took him back to the station. One time it took him to a different station she had been on… that had been a rough day. She could tell it had been bothering him lately. For Five, blinking had always been basically second nature, it was as obvious as walking to him. She could understand that, it would probably be pretty annoying if you just forgot how to walk. Or more-so that you remember how to walk, but your legs just don't work anymore. Or… maybe it’s more like every time you try to walk, your legs take you to an inescapable train station… maybe.
Well, it’s fine. He’d figure it out, he always did.
How’s that for optimism? Lila laughed to herself. Apparently a little too loud, because she noticed Five shifting again out of the corner of her eye.
“Hey, hey. Shithead.”
Five went still, and Lila smirked.
“I know you’re awaaaaake~”
He sighed, it sounded scratchy. “Now I am.”
“Oh, you liar. You were awake the whole time.”
It was silent for a moment, and Lila was sure he was going to just ignore her, until he finally sat up and pushed himself against the column opposite to her.
The two of them just sat around for a good while. Usually that was how the two of them passed the time, Lila couldn’t deny she appreciated having company in a place like this, even Five’s company. She assumed Five would agree with her, if his little mannequin companion from his first apocalypse was anything to go by. She watched out of the corner of her eye as Five shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. He had been coughing, and it sounded pretty nasty. God, she needed to stay far, far away from him for the next couple of days.
Lila tilted her head at him. “It’s cold, innit?”
“I can’t do much about the fire, Lila,” He sounded tired.
She scoffed. “I didn’t mean that. Have you ever considered I could just be making small talk?”
“I probably would’ve considered that last,” Five smirked.
Rolling her eyes, she leaned back onto the column behind her. The two of them didn’t do small talk, the two of them barely did conversations. It was rare when the two actually opened up to each other, the most talking they ever did was utilitarian, or just plain argumentative. Lila, what do you think this means? Five, is this safe to eat? Lila, I told you not to go that way, when are you going to start listening to me? Five, if you don't give me some of your water, I’m going to kill myself.
But Lila was getting bored, and she felt she might go insane if she didn’t talk to someone for even just a couple minutes. Even if that person was pretty much her arch nemesis.
“So…”
Five looked up at her, a confused expression etched onto his face. He already looked angry somehow.
“In the apocalypse…”
“Great way to start this chat.”
“-Shut up! I literally haven’t even started my question yet and you’re already being bloody annoying.”
He frowned at her but his eyebrows had raised, waiting for her to continue.
“Ummm… What was like… the weirdest thing you found?”
Five sneered at her. “Why?”
“Just answer the question! I’m curious. I’m making small talk.” She threw her hands in the air, exasperated.
He scoffed, obviously not expecting the question. “I would hardly call this small talk,” But it was obvious he was thinking. Lila just tapped her foot in response as he took his sweet sweet time to come up with an answer. Suddenly, he grimaced, and then laughed.
“One time… when I was…mmmaybe about 27, I found a big apartment complex. It was much farther out than where I usually stayed, so it wasn’t as destroyed as everything in the general area, though that’s not saying much, but there were actually a couple floors I could explore. It was pretty rare to find any buildings that still had intact stairs, not even mentioning floors the stairs could lead to,” Lila coughed, and he frowned. “Anyway, I was checking it for supplies and such, and when I checked one of the apartments, I noticed a smell coming from the bedroom and uh-”
He paused to snicker a bit.
“There was a couple in there, dead of course. They weren’t as completely burned or disintegrated as most of the corpses I had seen closer to the city, but they were pretty decomposed at that point. And they were… On top of each other, y’know. With everything still on too. And I just thought, ‘That has got to be the best way to go.’”
He ended his story with a flourish of his hands before dropping them back into his lap.
“That’s it?”
“What do you mean that’s it?”
“That’s nasty Five, you found 2 dead people having sex.”
His face went red. “They weren’t having sex when I found them.”
“Face it, Five. You got cucked by some dead guys.”
Five glared at her, his face even redder. “I did not. I thought it was funny.”
Lila pursed her lips and let out a snicker she had been holding in. “W-What do you mean with everything on… like, the condom survived the blast?”
“No like, she was on him, and she had one of those fake penis things.”
“Like… a strap-on?”
“I guess, if that’s what it’s called.”
Of course, for how smart Five was, he didn’t know what a strap-on was called. Lila wouldn’t be surprised if he was still a virgin at 65. She did wonder about the mannequin though…
“Was that weird enough?”
“Oh yeah, plenty weird, you perv.”
Five huffed, picking at the ratty blanket in his lap.
“Okay, okay,” She waved her hands around. “What was like… the weirdest thing you had ever eaten?”
“Come on, what is this? 20 questions?”
Lila stared at him, expectantly.
He sighed, deep in thought again. “Loads of things, it was the apocalypse. Bugs…sometimes straight up grass and foliage if I was lucky. Dog food, cat food, anything really. If it was edible, I would eat it.”
“People?”
He looked uncomfortable, suddenly. “No. No, never people.”
That got a little too awkward, too quickly. Lila frowned, feeling a little guilty.
“Weird that bugs survived.” She attempted to change the subject.
He looked up at her and smirked. “Pretty much just cockroaches, of course. At least, that’s all I ever saw.”
“It’s probably a delicacy in some countries.”
“Probably. Definitely not raw though. People probably wouldn’t like feeling their insides squishing in their mouths… and the little legs in their teeth… or the squirming-”
“-Gross, gross! Okay, I don’t want to talk about eating bugs anymore.” She gagged.
“You asked!” Five feigned annoyance, but he was smiling.
“Oh god- anything else, anything else.” She thought for a moment, with a smile. “Any like… really gnarly deaths?”
“No bugs, but you’re fine with people dying?”
Lila shrugged.
“Well, that’s more of a Commission story. One time I shot a guy in the head and it completely shattered his skull, I could see fragments of it in his blood. His eyeballs and teeth flew out of his head and some of his brain got in my mustache. I guess that was pretty ‘gnarly.’ His face was completely unrecognizable.”
“See, that’s a good story. That’s what I want to hear.”
Now it was Five’s turn to shrug. “I’ve got loads of gruesome Commission stories. I’ve killed my fair share of people.”
“Yeah?” She pressed.
“Oh yeah. One time I dropped a desk on a lady from a couple stories up and she just completely flattened underneath it,” He pantomimed her body flattening with his hands. “She was just liquid at that point.”
Lila laughed, despite the grisly story. “Shut up, no you did not. You’re thinking of a cartoon you watched.”
He smirked and shrugged again, feigning ignorance. Maybe Five was cooler than she thought… No, that definitely wasn’t possible. She didn’t even want to entertain that thought.
The fire was almost dead at this point. Five tried to poke around at it, but it seemed like it was on its way out.
“When did um… when did they find you?”
Five looked up at her, eyebrows furrowed. He knew she was talking about The Commission, but she really meant her mother. The Handler was a weird subject for both of them.
He shifted around in his spot. “When I was 55, I think. I only worked there for about 3 years before breaking my contract and… you know.”
She nodded, her jaw clenched.
“They knew about me the whole time though, they had flagged my arrival in the apocalypse when I was 13, and just left me there for decades,” He laughed, but there wasn’t any humor behind it. “Isn’t that fucked up?”
“Yeah.”
The conversation had gotten awkward once again. Lila tried to ignore the bitter feeling creeping up her throat. Her thoughts about Five and The Commission were so complicated that she usually tried to ignore them all together. But now being here, stuck with the man who caused her so much grief and pain her whole life, she needed to know. There wouldn’t ever be a good time to ask anyway.
“Why?”
Great start, Lila. He’s definitely gonna know what you’re on about. But she really couldn’t force any other words out of her mouth.
Five just stared at her, a tight expression on his face. It seemed he actually might know what she was talking about, but didn’t want to say it out loud.
“Why what?”
Lila huffed, it came out shakier than she would’ve liked. “You know.”
He pursed his lips. “Yeah, I do.”
Her hands wrenched around the blanket on her shoulders, almost ripping it entirely. Five could almost feel her eyes boring holes in him, he actually had to look up to make sure she wasn’t doing it for real.
“I was an assassin for 3 years. I was the best at what I did, and The Handler knew that,” He swallowed, a pained expression crossing his face. “It was my job, of course. I did what I was asked to do and I did it very well. Questions didn’t really come into it, unless you wanted to get fired.”
He looked up at her. “But… you know that. I know you were never a professional assassin, but you were there too. Much longer than I was.”
Lila nodded, her hands shaking from the built-up rage. She did know, she knew far too well.
“Besides that, T-the Handler knew she had a… a special hold over me,” It looked physically painful to admit. “I would do whatever it took in order to get back to my family. She knew that.”
He leaned back again, letting out a pathetic laugh. “Now of course, I know better than to assume she would actually be faithful in anything she promised. She knew how to get what she wanted and was very often successful. Though, I hardly need to be telling you this.”
‘That was certainly true.’ She thought, her heart pounding.
“And, of course, if I didn’t comply it was right back in the apocalypse for me.” He shrugged. “That’s why. I’m sorry I don’t have a better reason for you.”
And that was it. Lila just had to deal with that.
Logically, she knew better. He had been right, that she had been around at the commission for so long, her whole fucking life. She grew up there. And it was also true that while she was never an official assassin or ever even worked for the company at all, she knew the ins and outs of the place more than most people who had actually worked there.
He was right, he was so infuriatingly right as always, but she was still mad at him.
It wasn’t his fault, she knew that she did. She should hate her mother more than anything on this planet for the pain she had caused her, on purpose no less. However, it was so much easier to blame the man in front of her than the woman who raised her. No matter how many times she realized that she had stolen a perfect childhood from her, she can’t force herself to hate her. It felt pathetic to say, why didn’t she hate her? She had every right to.
“I want to hate her, but I can’t.” The ‘I hate you’ went unsaid, but it was felt.
Five nodded but didn’t say anything. He looked uncomfortable.
‘Good.’ She thought, uncontrollably. ‘I want you to feel uncomfortable. Look at me in the eyes and face the consequences.’
Lila wasn’t sure if she even meant that.
Another train flew by them; one they wouldn’t get on. The loud sound of metal screeching on the tracks was deafening, and the lights were blinding. She looked over at Five, who was looking back at her, with an unreadable expression on his face. He looked tired, and sick.
“You look tired, and sick.”
He blinked, hard. “I probably am,” He let out a deep breath he was holding in.
“If you infect me, I swear to god, I’m gonna fucking kill you.”
Five rolled his eyes. “Don’t come near me then.”
She flipped him off and finished her jerky. It was still gross.
The train finally left, and the fire died out for good. Lila shivered. It was fucking freezing. The cold tiles on the ground and the column behind her weren’t helping. She missed Diego, and his endless warmth. On cold winter nights when their heater had broken, the two of them would lay under the warm comforter her mother had got her, and he would hold her close. She missed Diego so much. She missed her life before all this.
Her eyes flew up when she noticed a bright light. Five had pulled out his flashlight and was feverishly writing in his notepad again, as he usually did at this time of night. He was pretty much gone to the world at this point.
“Five, turn that shit off, that’s so bright.”
He ignored her, but his face scrunched up. Lila wouldn’t get anywhere with him when he was like this. She just sighed, and finally laid down, one of them should try to sleep at least.
The tarp he had laid out for her was just as freezing as the ground underneath, but it was better than nothing, she supposed. Tears pricked at her eyes as she tried to imagine Diego’s warmth but found herself unable to remember what it even felt like. How many more days would it be until she forgot his voice, how long until his face went with it?
They were going to get out of this, they had to. They had to, because if she had to spend another year here, she thinks she would genuinely go insane. Against all odds, she was going to be optimistic.