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The wind blew softly as Atsushi walked through the rubble from what once was the airport. The Decay of Angels had finally been defeated with Fyodor’s death, and peace was restored. It was going to be a difficult time for a while due to the agency shutting down, but Atsushi had faith that they’d be able to fix everything. For now, he was left with the baggage of the heavy battle to process. There was so much he experienced in such little time, and it overwhelmed him trying to understand what exactly happened to him and how everyone ended up being okay. In the end Atsushi was glad he was even able to save everyone. It would have been hopeless if Akutagawa hadn’t-
Akutagawa.
He did help, didn’t he?
The once ruthless killer who never showed any mercy, showing up to help Atsushi? Protect him? If you had told Atsushi a year ago that would happen he would have laughed in your face. Looking back he couldn’t believe he ever hated Akutagawa. After seeing those old memories of his early days in the mafia, Atsushi felt guilty for all the awful things he ever said to him. Akutagawa was just like him: a kid that got thrown into a system designed to break him. To forge him into a weapon. Except Atsushi got to experience a life Akutagawa never had when he joined the Armed Detective Agency and was mentored by Dazai. It all made sense now, but it was still so confusing at the same time. There were so many feelings swirling inside Atsushi, and he didn’t know how to feel.
Atsushi remembered it was getting close to the date he promised to duel Akutagawa. How was he going to be able to fight him after what they just went through together? Was Akutagawa feeling the same, or would he just move on and become the cold-hearted mafioso again? A small part of Atsushi hoped for the latter, so it would be easy to hate him again. But his heart ached at the thought of them being on opposing sides again. He hated to admit it, but they worked well together. It was nice fighting alongside Akutagawa, and Atsushi secretly wanted to be able to be at his side again.
He wanted to be his friend.
Would Akutagawa want to be his as well…?
Atsushi’s mind focused back to the main reason he came all the way out here again. He never did a proper farewell for the headmaster, his father, and wanted to finally say goodbye. He cradled a bouquet in his arms and stopped at the edge of a crumbled building. He knelt down and placed the bouquet on the ground, fingers running across the flowers gently, almost as if he was afraid to let go. The image of the headmaster kept appearing in Atsushi’s mind. Had that man’s spirit really been with him all this time?
“I don’t understand,” Atsushi spoke to himself. “Everything’s changing, and I can’t keep up with it all. I hate you, but I can’t help but bring myself to love you after all this time. Why?”
A few tears fell onto the flowers below him.
“I thought I moved on from these feelings when you died months ago, but I’m still so confused. I don’t want to forgive you, but I don’t want to hate you anymore. Doesn’t that sound terrible?”
There was no response.
“You helped me so much when I was trapped inside the sword and after that too, but when you were alive I was nothing to you. What changed? Why don’t you hate me anymore?”
The only sound was the wind.
“I guess I should say goodbye now,” Atsushi whispered before standing up again. “I didn’t tell the agency where I was going, and I don’t want to worry them. I’ll make sure to visit.”
“Weretiger.” A voice suddenly appeared behind Atsushi. He turned around quickly in surprise.
Akutagawa stood in front of him, Rashoumon flowing in the breeze.
“Akutagawa?” Atsushi said, wiping the last of his tears away. “What are you doing here?”
“Paying some respects?” he asked, ignoring Atsushi’s question. “Only you would want to honor the deaths of those who’ve wronged you.”
“It’s none of your business. You didn’t know him.”
“I’ve read some files about the orphanage you grew up in. I know enough.”
“Oh.”
“You confuse me so much, weretiger,” Akutagawa walked over to Atsushi. “You treat people so kindly regardless of how they’ve treated you. If I were in your position, I probably would have killed that man myself years ago.”
“It’s basic human decency.”
“It’s what keeps getting you hurt.”
“That’s not important.”
Akutagawa’s brow raised at Atsushi’s response, but he moved on.
The man was silent for a moment before letting out a sigh. “I want to call off the fight,” he said.
“What?”
He crossed his arms, scoffing. “Don’t make me say it again. It’s embarrassing enough that I even came out here.”
Atsushi frowned. “Why are you calling our fight? Did you break your promise?”
“Of course I didn’t break it. I told you, I take my promises very seriously.”
“Then why call it off? I don’t understand.”
“Because…” Akutagawa stared at the ground now. “I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
Atsushi’s eyes widened. “What?”
Akutagawa sighed again. “When you took the hit for me and that sword made you disappear…I felt…I don’t know what I felt.”
Atsushi walked closer to him and nodded. “I think I understand.”
“You’re extremely sensitive, weretiger, I’m sure you feel hurt whenever anyone you’re acquainted with gets hurt.”
“Me almost dying hurt you?”
Akutagawa’s face went red. “It’s not like that! I just…I haven’t felt that way in a long time.”
“What do you mean?” Atsushi’s head tilted with curiosity.
Akutagawa silently debated with himself on whether or not to open up but eventually gave in. “I grew up in an orphanage like you. I was the only gifted child, so I became the other kids’ ‘leader.’ They were my family. I protected them.”
“That’s very sweet of you.”
“It was not sweet, it was what anyone else would’ve done. Anyway, one day we got attacked,” Atsushi gasped, already knowing how this story would end. Akutagawa continued despite the other’s reaction. “They all died. Only Gin and I survived.”
“That’s horrible, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright. It was a long time ago. But that’s the only time in my life I ever grieved someone. Not until you.”
“Oh.”
“It was just a few minutes, but I was already grieving you. I’ve spent the last year hunting you down, trying to kill you, and then you were just…gone. And for some reason, I couldn’t bear it. It was as if a part of myself died alongside you. It made me realize that maybe I didn’t want to kill you after all.”
Now Atsushi’s face blushed. “I guess I understand too,” he said. “When you died, I felt the same. And then you were back, but you were…different. You weren’t you. I didn’t know what to feel. Honestly, I still don’t exactly know. I wanted to kill you too, but I don’t think I want to anymore either. But what I do know is that I don’t want to see you get hurt either.”
Akutagawa’s face softened. “I suppose that’s comforting.”
Atsushi walked up right in front of Akutagawa. “This is probably stupid but-“
“Everything you say is stupid, weretiger,” Akutagawa laughed.
“Yeah, right,” Atsushi laughed with him. “This is nice. Not fighting each other, I mean.”
“I suppose you’re right. I’m a bit bored if I’m being honest.”
Atsushi rolled his eyes. “I can’t stand you.”
“Are you sure about that? You just said earlier you hated that I died.”
“You did too!”
Akutagawa sighed, annoyed, “You have a point there.”
Atsushi smiled at him. He never was able to get a good look at the other man since they were always caught up in battles, whether with each other or supernatural entities. But now looking at Akutagawa in front of him with the sun lightly hitting his face and hair blowing, Atsushi couldn’t help but find him beautiful.
How long were they going to have to be like this? How much longer before they were back to being on opposing sides? Sure, the agency and the mafia were shut down and in hiding at the moment, but Atsushi doubted they would allow such friendships to be had with each other.
“You’re right,” Atsushi said. “We should call off our fight. You’ve done enough to prove that you can change. You have changed. I’m…proud of you, Akutagawa.”
Akutagawa’s eyes widened as his face flushed. He quickly turned away to hide his reaction from Atsushi, but it was too late.
“Never been given a compliment before?” Atsushi asked with a slight laugh.
“Shut up,” Akutagawa replied. “You’ve changed too, I guess. I mean, you seem a lot more confident in yourself now. You don’t need anyone to tell you your worth anymore because you know it now.”
Atsushi smiled. “Thanks.”
There was a comfortable silence between the two before Akutagawa spoke up again.
“Say, weretiger, do you think…we could still meet each other when we planned to fight? Not to fight, but…maybe to just talk? Like this?”
“Of course,” Atsushi answered, smiling again. “I’d love that.”
For the first time since Atsushi knew Akutagawa, he smiled back at him. It was a small, shy one, almost embarrassed, but Atsushi knew it was genuine.
“Good. I expect to see you there then. You better not be late, or else I will end up killing you,” he said with a competitive look in his eyes.
“I’ll make sure I’m early then.”