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Dearest Mikmik,
Hi! You reading this most likely means that I’ve succumbed to the flowers. A bit morbid for an opening to a heartfelt letter, no? Pero hindi ako magiging si Jojo mo kung hindi ako magbibiro sa paraang nakasanayan mo, di ba? Hahaha naiimagine ko na agad yung pagkunot ng noo mo at pagsasalubong ng mga kilay mo. At sa totoo lang, kumikirot sa hapdi yung puso ko sa isiping hindi na kita makikita at makakasama hanggang sa pagtanda. Pasensya na ha? Hindi ko na matutupad yung pangako ko sayo na magsasawa ka sa pagmumukha ko hanggang sa uugod-ugod na tayo. Pero eto naman yung unang beses na hindi ko matutupad ang pangako ko sayo, kaya baka naman pwedeng patawarin mo ako kahit ngayon lang?
I also wanted to say thank you. From the bottom of my vine-infested heart, I want to sincerely and wholeheartedly thank you for taking me in during the time that I needed love and support the most. Ikaw at ang pamilya mo ang kumupkop sa akin nung nawala ang pamilya ko, and for that, I am grateful beyond this lifetime. Salamat kasi binigyan mo ako ng rason para magpatuloy sa buhay kahit pa andaming beses na gusto ko na lang sumuko at maglaho na parang bula sa mundong ito. Salamat kasi hindi mo ako sinukuan. At salamat kasi minahal mo ako nang buong puso. Hindi ko ata masusurvive yung unang beses na tinamaan ako ng lintik na sakit na to kundi dahil sayo. Mahal na mahal na mahal kita, kahit pa madalas eh pinapasakit mo ang ulo ko.
Saka, gusto ko ring humingi ng tawad. Alam kong alam mo na sa pagkakataong ito, ang mga bulaklak na namukadkad sa mga baga ko ay para sayo. Hindi ba kaya nga desperado kang nagmakaawa sakin noon para ipatanggal ang mga bulaklak na unti-unting pumapatay sa akin? I almost gave in numerous times. Napakadaya naman kasi ng mukha mong yan. Alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap panindigan yung desisyon kong hindi magpa-opera sa tuwing titignan ako ng mga mata mong punong-puno ng hinanakit? It almost tore me apart to deny your pleas whenever you would look at me like your whole world was about to be shattered. But the hardest part for me was seeing you hate and blame yourself for the situation I was in. Kasi sa totoo lang, Mikhaela, wala kang kasalanan.
Hindi mo kasalanan na nahulog nang buong buo ang puso ko sayo, Mikmik ko. At lalong hindi mo kasalanan ang paghihirap na dinanas ko. Falling for you was inevitable, but it was my choice to endure the pain that came hand in hand with it. I’m not sorry I fell in love with you, but I am sorry that you felt responsible for the things I went through when you were never at fault. Nagmahal lang naman ako, Mikhs. Malas nga lang kasi this time, my desperation to keep all of my memories with you trumped my will to live a life forgetting everything about you. Ganito siguro yung naramdaman ni Colet all those years ago, when she refused to get the surgery and ultimately wasted away with the flowers that bloomed in her lungs.
I was the one in your shoes that time. The person being loved who could never reciprocate no matter how much I begged God to. Nung mga panahon na yon, hindi ko maintindihan ang mga naging desisyon ni Colet. It felt so moot and pointless to give up one’s life for the sake of not losing their memories of another. I understood a little, when I fell for Maloi. But with her, I couldn’t bear to see her suffer at the thought of losing me. So I got the surgery despite knowing that I will forget everything about her. Wala pa rin akong maalaala tungkol sa kanya nung mga panahon bago ako magpaopera, pero nakita ko yung luma kong journal. That’s where I kept all of my memories with her. And even though Maloi and I have regained our friendship to some extent, I just don’t feel the same warmth I felt from the words scribbled on my journal about her.
And that’s what ultimately led me to the decision to not get the surgery, Mikhs. Kasi hindi ko kayang isipin na magpatuloy mabuhay na wala ka sa mga alaala ko. Yes, we can maybe try to restore our friendship like what Maloi and I did. But it will never be the same. Kapag nawala ang mga alaala ko, hindi na ako si Jojo mo. At hindi na ikaw si Mikmik ko. And that thought alone was enough to kill me inside. I would rather leave this world with all of my treasured memories of you. Kasi hindi lang kita savior, Mikha Lim. You’re my other half. My better half. And my feelings aside, you were the only thing I had left to live for. To me, you were my soulmate. And if having the surgery and keeping on living meant killing the other half of myself, then is that even considered living at all? Hindi ko kaya, Mikmik.
Kaya eto ako ngayon, humihingi ng pagpapatawad mo. Because for the first time in my life, I wanted to be selfish. Because that’s what this really is about, right? My decision to die was a bit selfish on my part, knowing how much it would weigh on you and your conscience. So, I’m really, really sorry for leaving you with this burden, my love. Alam kong mahirap, kaya ipagdarasal ko nang mataimtim kay Lord na sana maghilom lahat ng sugat sa puso mo na maiiwan ng pagiging makasarili ko.
Pero hindi rin naman ako masyadong nag-aalala. You’re one of the toughest people I know. Yes, sobrang babi mo madalas, but I also know how resilient you are. Wag masyadong matigas ang ulo, ah? Wala na ako dyan para pukpukin ka sa ulo kapag nag-iinarte hahaha and try to open up more to the people around you. Especially kay Ate Aiah. You’re partners, right? And she’s so good to and for you. So try to lean on her more at wag mong sarilinin lahat ng saloobin mo, lalong lalo na kung sobrang nabibigatan ka na. Well, pwede rin namang bisitahin mo ang puntod ko paminsan-minsan para mag-rant. Makikinig ako sayo. Wala naman akong ibang choice eh, diba? Hehe
Mahal na mahal kita, Mikha Lim. At kahit kailan ay hinding hindi ko yun pagsisisihan. The love you have given me throughout the years was more than enough for me. Unfortunately, in this lifetime, the universe thinks otherwise kaya mauuna na muna ako sayo na makipagmeet kay Lord ah? Hahaha I know na bad joke, but just humor me one last time please.
These days, I’m spending more time being asleep than awake. Tinaasan na daw ng mga doctor yung dosage ng painkillers ko eh. Bawat hininga kasi ay parang nagliliyab ang mga baga ko. Sobrang sakit. Pagod na pagod na ako. During these times, it’s the thought of you that keeps me hanging on. Miss na miss na kita, Mikmik ko. Pero sana maintindihan mo kung bakit ko ipinakiusap na wag ka munang pabisitahin. I wouldn’t be able to bear seeing the agony in your eyes when you’d look at me. Please don’t hate me too much if I wish to leave this world away from your presence. Baka kasi magmakaawa ako na mahalin mo rin ako pabalik kapag nasilayan ko yang mukha mong ubod ng ganda. Joke.
Napahaba na masyado itong sulat ko para sayo. But why does it feel like I still have a lot of things left to say? But I think it’s for everyone’s best interest to leave them all unsaid. Again, palagi mong aalalahanin na mahal na mahal kita, ha? I’d see you in the next lifetime, Mikha Lim. Humanda ka, kasi I plan on staying for waaaaaaaaay longer in our next life. And I’m sure mahahanap kita. Sigurado ako na kahit saang lifetime or timeline pa yan, makikilala at makikilala ng puso ko ang puso mo. So try to live this one to the fullest, yeah? Wag kang magmamadali, kasi palagi naman akong handang maghintay sayo.
And lastly, can I be selfish one final time? Sana wag mo akong kalimutan ha? Pati na rin lahat ng alaala at pinagsamahan nating dalawa. Sige ka, malulungkot ako.
Please remember for the both of us.
P.S. Sa mga araw na sobrang nahihirapan ako, I find comfort in the thought of there being a timeline or lifetime where I am able and free to love you, and where you love me back just the same.
P.P.S. You and Ate Aiah take good care of each other, alright? And please try to look out for Shee and Maloi from time to time for me. Thank you!!!
Palaging nagmamahal,
Jojo