Chapter Text
The walk to Middle Hill was never easy for Mel. She hated leaving Becca behind, even if just for work, but today was harder than usual.
Normally she knew that she could pick Becca up right after work, that they would go home, probably watch Elf and just be around each other. It was reassuring, something that helped her stay sane throughout shifts.
But today was not a normal day.
Becca would sleep over at her boyfriend's place tonight.
Everything would be okay, she knew that, but she just couldn't help worrying.
She had no idea when the last time was that she had been away from Becca that long. If that had even happened before.
Not seeing her for hours while she was at work had already been hard enough, but a whole night as well? No, that had never happened before.
"Are you even listening?" Becca, who had been ranting excitedly the entire time, ripped Mel out of her spiraling thoughts
"Sorry, I was just thinking about something" Mel mumbled, trying to blend out the worry.
"You'll be okay" Becca said, obviously noticing the nervous fidgeting she knew all too well from her sister. "Might be good for you to have some time for yourself. Or maybe you could invite someone over?"
Mel just laughed weakly at the suggestion. "Who? I don't have a partner"
"But do you like someone?" Becca pressed, not letting the topic go. Everytime she had tried to talk about Mel's relationships, or lack thereof, she just brushed it of, saying that she was way too busy, but Becca knew her better than that.
She sighed, knowing there was no use in lying "It's complicated" She mumbled reluctantly, awkwardly pushing up her glasses as her cheeks flushed when her thoughts immediately went to a certain doctor.
"I don't think it's really that complicated." Becca said, blunt as always "If you like the, ask them. The worst that could happen is they say no"
Mel had to fight the urge to sigh again, nodding slowly. She wasn't in the mood to explain that in her situation it kind of was that complicated. Ellis was a coworker and even if that wasn't the case, Becca was way more confident than her, she'd always had been. That was okay, they balanced each other out and they worked well together, but now Mel couldn't help but feel like she needed Becca much more than Becca needed her.
She had always worried about ending up alone. Back in school when everyone had started dating, the thought had already started creeping in, but she didn't feel like she had that much of a reason to be scared. Not with Becca by her side.
That was until Adam showed up, now Becca was spending more and more time with him while Mel stayed behind.
She was glad Becca was happy of course, she deserved this, but a part of her was still scared.
She was already so alone, she didn't want to lose the one person that felt like home.
When they finally arrived at Middle Hill she had to turn away quickly as tears welled up in her eyes. Seeing Becca with that big bag, that they had packed together last night, made her feel sick.
"It's just for tonight" She thought to herself as she watched Becca walk away without turning back around, but she couldn't help but imagine the bag turning into a bunch of cartons when Becca would eventually move out and leave for good.
Even with how upset Mel was, she had no time to really think about this right now. Worrying wouldn't make it easier and just make things hurt before anything even happened so she still went to work, trying to leave her baggage behind like everyone else.
Though the ER was full, it was a relatively calm day. No shooting or big accidents, just the normal weirdness of the ER cases. Mel had treated multiple broken limbs and cuts when suddenly three people were rushed in on gurneys.
"Car accident, four people injured three stable one still in critical condition" One of the paramedics shouted.
"Mel, McKay" Robby yelled at the two doctors who weren't busy right now, waving them over to the gurney of the woman who hadn't been lucky enough to get away with mostly minor injuries like the rest.
The sight of the unconcious woman made Mel's heart almost stop.
The car accident had left her covered in deep cuts from the broken windshield, but what immediately caught Mel's attention were the long brown pigtails and the cracked glasses with thick black frames.
She looked so much like Becca.
"What's her name?" She asked shakily, trembling hands clinging to the gurney as they pushed her into one of the rooms together.
"Penelope Rogers, 27. A drunk driver hit her at an intersection." One of the nurses said as they hurriedly prepared for surgery. "Internal bleeding, impact caused a rip in her spleen" They said, cutting open her colourful blouse that looked like it was taken straight from her sister's closet which was all that Mel was able to focus on right now.
"Airways are blocked. Mel, do you want to do the intubation?" Robby asked, not looking up at her.
It took her a second to react, everything getting blurry around her, the words sounding muffled and barely reaching her through the ringing in her ears. "No, I... I don't-" She finally forced out, though they didn't let her finish talking, instead starting the procedure.
Mel stepped back a little, trying to get her breathing under control, her shaky hands clenching in the fabric of her scrubs. The chaos in her mind got louder and louder almost keeping the awful sound that filled the room from getting to her.
That high-pitched, contious beep that Mel still wasn't used to hearing.
Flatline.
They shocked her three times, Whittaker doing compressions, while Mel just stood there staring at the dead body.
She had never been the best at seeing death, but this hit different.
She couldn't help the images flashing in her mind.
Images of Becca in a pool of blood.
Becca on a gurney.
Becca dead, because Mel couldn't save her, because Mel wasn't there and left other people to take care of her.
"Excuse me" She mumbled, not sure if anyone heard her and not really caring right now as she stormed out of the room.
Her heart was pounding in her chest as she raced through the ER, everything suddenly too bright, too loud, moving way too quickly.
The whole world seemed to be turning around her, making it difficult to walk straight.
"Woah careful there, you okay?" Asked Dana as Mel bumped into her, flinching as if the touch burned her.
She whined and nodded, basically running away, trying to flee from all the noise and the bright lights. She just wanted to disappear, not really having the energy to keep moving, but in too much pain to stay in place. It made her want to tear of her skin or slam her hand against a wall until she couldn't feel this anymore, she would do anything, she just wanted this to stop.
Every step felt like a mile, but eventually she made it to a dark, seemingly empty room.
Her hands shook as she shut the door quickly, the sound of it slamming shut making her flinch. She sunk to the floor right there, curling up into herself, nails digging into her skin harder through her clothes, trying to scratch through the fabric though it wasn't enough.
It didn't help, nothing helped, so instead she swung and hit herself with full force, her fist slamming down onto her thigh as hard as she could manage.
Then again.
And Again.
Until she heard a voice.
"Mel?" Mumbled a very tired sounding Dr. Ellis, her voice hoarse after just waking up "What the-" She started, but cut herself off upon seeing the state the other woman was in.
Mel just whimpered, unable to speak right now, hiding her face against her knees as if it could magically make her disappear somehow.
She hated being seen like this. So far she had manged pretty well at work except for the few times that she cried, but this was different than just a few tears, this was a full blown meltdown, the kind she hadn't had in forever.
"Shit" Parker cursed under her breath, slowly getting up, not wanting to move too quickly and accidentaly overwhelm her. For a second she thought about leaving and giving her space, but when she saw the her still clenched fist she decided against it, sitting down next to Mel while making sure to leave enough space so she wouldn't feel cornered.
"Breathe" she said softly, watching Mel reach up, her shaky fingers tangling in her hair and messing up the perfect neat braid that she wore every day.
"Can't-" she choked out, yanking at her hair so roughly that it made Parker flinch.
"Shhh... you're okay. Don't do that please" She whispered gently, knowing better than to try and touch her after years of experience working in the ER. Still, this was harder than all of the times she'd seen patients like this, because this was Mel.
Sweet, cheerful Mel, who was usually so full of energy. And now she was on the floor, crying and trying to hurt herself.
Mel just whimpered again, but her grip on her hair loosened slightly, which Parker took as a sign to keep talking.
"You're safe" She continued, still not reaching out, instead just trying to offer verbal support.
"Becca-" Mel choked out, between shaky breaths.
"Beccas's safe too" Parker reassured softly. "It's okay, you're okay. Just breathe. You don't have to talk right now"
Mel nodded slowly, trying to steady her breathing.
"That's it, you're doing well." She praised, as the tension slowly started to ease out of Mel, a silence taking over with the only sound in the dimmly lit room being Mel's breathing getting more and more steady.
"Thank you" Mel eventually broke the silence, her voice still hoarse and weak. Even as she spoke, she still didn't look up at her, too embarrassed to have been seen in this state. Especially not by the Parker Ellis. The woman she had been secretly eyeing for months now. The woman she had started taking night shifts for occaisionally, just to see her more often, because she was one of the few people who made her feel less lonely.
"No problem" Parker shrugged, noticing the discomfort.
"Sorry" She said anyway, fidgeting with her hands.
"It's no problem, really. Don't apologise... You wanna talk about what happened?" Parker reassured with a sigh, scooting slightly a little to be able to look at her better.
Mel just shook her head, still not making eye contact.
She felt silly now that she could think clearly again. It wasn't the first patient she'd lost and it definitely wouldn't be the last, she shouldn't be reacting like this.
"I won't judge you..." Parker's gentle voice ripped her out of her thoughts. "But if you really don't want to, that's okay too, we can just stay like this for a while"
Mel sighed, it felt so stupid to put into words, but when she finally lifted her head to look at Parker and saw the concerned and even soft expression on her face she felt like it was worth trying at least. "There was a patient. We lost her-" She tried, but her voice cracked.
Parker just nodded encouragingly, sensing that there was more coming.
"She looked like my sister." She forced out after some time.
"But it wasn't her." Parker said firmly. "She's safe, everything is okay"
"She's going to stay with her boyfriend for the first time tonight"
"Well, she's an adult, that's normal"
Mel nodded slowly, looking down at her hands, still fidgeting nervously. "I know, it's just... What if something does happen and it's all my fault because I wasn't there?"
"You can't be with her all the time, you're doing enough" Parker said softly.
She sniffed, pushing her glasses up with a shaky hand "Am I though? Sometimes I think I should be doing more"
"Mel, you are always taking care of people. Your sister at home, the patients here, but when is the last time someone took care of you?"
The silence that followed told Parker everything she needed to know.
"What do you need right now?" She asked gently.
"I don't know, I just wanna sit here a little longer, I guess..."
"Do you want a hug? Or would that make everything worse?"
"I- No, I think I would like a hug." Mel said hesitantly.
Parker moved slowly, giving the still slightly trembling woman a chance to pull away if it did get too much. Instead Mel just leaned into the warm, steady touch like a stray cat getting affection for the first time.
"I got you" Parker whispered wrapping her arms tightly around her, trying to ground her with the pressure as Mel burried her face in the crook of her neck. She could feel the blonde's warm, shaky breaths against her neck, messy hair tickling her chin as she rested her chin on top of her head.
Parker wasn't too fond of hugs, they felt too intense, she was the kind of person to give a reassuring shoulder pat and try to move on, but with Mel it was different. This didn't feel uncomfortable. Especially not when she could feel Mel gradually relaxing, her breathing getting more regular. She was helping.
They stayed like this for a while, relishing in each others warmth, untill Mel eventually pulled away. Her cheeks were still wet from tears, glasses slightly fogged up from the warmth and hair completely messed up.
She looked like she'd just rolled out of bed, something Parker had caught herself imagining before and, if she was being honest, if the circumstances weren't so serious she would think it was cute.
"Better?" She asked, a small smile playing on her lips.
"Yes, thank you" Mel mumbled, taking off her glasses to clean them hurriedly. "This doesn't happen a lot, I promise. I'm not-"
"You don't have to explain yourself, it's okay"
"Thanks"
"Don't thank me. Not for this" Parker said and slowly reached out to gently open the mess that used to be Mel's neat braid, running her finger through it to smoothen it out.
She had never seen Mel with her hair down, a braid being much more practical for work after all, but it suited her.
She looked beautiful. Completely dishevelled, with her eyes still red rimmed from crying, but absolutely beautiful.
When, her gaze returned back to Mel's face she noticed the other woman's eyes glued to her lips.
"Mel" Parker whispered with a softness reserved only for her, making her eyes flicker back up again, her cheeks flushing.
For a second she just stared like a deer in the headlights, a storm of thoughts raging behind her eyes, before she moved in.
There was a moment of hesitation, a torturous second that made Parker think she would pull away again and apologise in her nervous manner, but then she slowly closed the distance completely and pressed her lips to hers in a tentative kiss.
Parker knew she should have pushed her away.
Mel was probably just confused and emotionally overwhelmed. It was wrong of her to let this happen right now, but Mel's lips were so soft and so utterly intoxicating that Parker just couldn't find it in herself.
But before she could really loose herself in the sensation, Mel already pulled away, looking surprised by her own actions.
"I'm sorry" She whispered breathlessly, her cheeks flushed bright red.
"Don't be, it's okay" Parker mumbled, her own voice slightly hoarse "But I don't think now is the-" She started, but was cut of by Mel leaning in again, this time much more confident. Their lips moved passionately, Mel's tongue shyly running over her's as if asking for permision to deepen the kiss, slowly placing her trembling hands on Parker's waist. Neither of them knew whether the shaking was from the intensity of the kiss or the earlier emotional turmoil and while Mel didn't care, Parker just couldn't silence the voice in the back of her head telling her this wasn't right, even though there was nothing she wanted more in this world than to just give in and feel.
She slowly pulled away, making Mel, clearly not ready to let this go yet, move with her for a bit as a disappointed whine left her lips.
"Not now" Parker insisted breathlessly.
"Did I do something wrong?" Mel asked nervously.
"No, you did perfectly, I just don't want you regretting anything-"
"I won't" Mel objected immediately, here hands squeezing Parker's waist slightly.
"You say that now" She stated, giving Mel a firm look to stop her from interupting her once again. "But you don't exactly seem stable right now. And anyway, I don't think during your shift is the time"
Mel sighed, reluctantly letting go of her and leaning back against the wall. "You're right"
"I know" Parker said with a slight smug smirk though the soft concern was still present on her face. "You ready to head back out?"
"Yeah, I should really go back to my patients" She said, putting her hair in a pony tail awkwardly avoiding eye contact now that the moment was over, her cheeks flushed adorably.
"We're gonna talk about this another time" Parker basically announced rather than asked, getting a nervous nod from Mel.
"Mhm" She mumbled. "I- Yes, I'll see you tomorrow" She said as she left the room, her head a mess of confusing emotions. Still, even with how nervous and even slightly embarrassed she was, she couldn't keep the smile of her face because she just kissed Parker Ellis.