Work Text:
Ilya Rozanov missed his mother.
He would look at sunsets and remember his mother. Sometimes, he would look at the stars in the night sky, and remember her over and over.
Then the grief would roll in, like radiation fog. Engulfing the ground where he stands, and he would lose his footing again and again.
It was sickening, a toll both mentally and physically. He would never admit to himself that he hated it. For some little part inside of him loved it, the darkness of grieving.
He could close his eyes and give himself over, it numbed his brain and it made him let go. It was freeing and yet, he couldn’t take a breath. If he let himself over, he would never breathe again.
There’s that feeling you get in your throat, like emotions rolling over into a physical being. It makes him panic. He didn’t want the last breath he took to be the one before. He wanted it to be after. But that would never make sense to anyone.
So, Ilya Rozanov would miss his mother, because he remembered her in all the ways he could.
He would never be able to keep that promise.
There was a certain inevitability that his remembrance would fade, and he selfishly wanted to let it happen. Maybe then, the grief wouldn’t hurt as much as it always has.
And then, he remembered once again. Ilya remembered his mother’s voice, the way it glided over every note of the harmony of the melody she would sing for him. He never thought the last time he heard it would be the final time he heard his mother’s voice.
This cycle of remembrance and grief was the reason he had forgotten his mother’s birthday.
Until, he didn’t.
☆
Shane Hollander was a perceptive person.
Like his mother, he could sometimes see the way a person would lean over to their right hand side, instinctively protecting their broken ribs. Once he could see it, he wouldn’t be able to ever not notice it.
Maybe that’s why Ilya Rozanov was an enigma to him.
Smoking where no-one could see, breaking the rules, and when corrected never stopping. He repeated mistakes, and was called “lazy”.
To Shane, Ilya Rozanov was never “lazy”, he just wasn’t as perceptive to his own body unlike others. But as soon as the puck hit the ground, he became electrified and somehow Shane knew, even then in Sawkatchzen, that he would reach forward for the buzz and the inevitable shock, and never back away.
He was perceptive, yes, but Shane Hollander was craving the familiarity of it and so, Ilya Rozanov was an enigma to Shane Hollander.
He would never be able to solve Ilya Rozanov, but he was able to notice whenever Ilya lent his secrets over.
☆
It was July 1st.
Shane busied himself around the cottage, his hand reaching up to the refrigerator and absentmindedly flicked to the now current month.
He hadn't noticed it before, not when he was running through the familiar routine he takes. He didn't notice what had changed.
It was small. Minascual in nature.
But not for Shane.
Not for Ilya.
There was a new addition to the calendar, on the 13th of July - Mama's Birthday.
And Shane smiled.
☆
Shane would also say he is observant. In fact, he had been known to comment on unremarkable things in press interviews, a small problem he had noticed and it wasn't until there was a scandal, that Shane Hollander had known all along. The wrong play, a miscommunication and Shane could see exactly how the game would fall apart.
Ilya was amazed, and Shane couldn't help but embarrassingly blush at every praise he got.
It wasn't remarkable to him, it was how his brain worked, and for some reason it amazed the people around him.
In any person he met, he became tuned into their world. Building a life with Ilya, their worlds intertwined in more ways than he could ever imagine. Shane understood more about Ilya in the three months he spent with him over the summer, than he had in the eight years he had known him.
He learnt more about Svetlana, even though Shane had resented her name after Ilya's insistence that he could marry her.
The way she loves Ilya, like a simple fact and as much as Shane held a non-existent grudge against her, as soon as they met, he could see why Ilya had never fallen apart. He was held together by Svetlana, and she didn't even bat an eyelid at it. Picked up the broken pieces of him, and fit the puzzle together without all of the pieces to still make an image.
Svetlana was easy to love. Unchallenging in her ways, and Shane had made a new friend.
He learnt more about the coach's son, whose name is Sasha. How they learnt pleasure in secret, and that by being with him, Ilya had learnt more about himself than he had ever known before.
Alexei, Ilya's brother. He didn't talk about him, not in any affectionate way. He mostly cursed about him. In Russian. A language that Shane still didn't understand fully. Ilya had cut him off after their father's funeral, and since, Alexei had still persisted asking for money over and over. Scrounging and begging.
So, Ilya blocked him and the calls stopped coming
Grigori. Shane had seen him before, at the countless events in his rookie days. Next to Ilya, always calling him "lazy". His eyes were the same as Ilya's or perhaps Ilya's were the same as his. He was a nasty man but he was still Ilya's father. Ilya still grieved for him but it hurt Ilya, and Shane couldn't protect him from it.
From grief.
And then, Irina.
Their foundation was named after her.
Shane had never gotten to meet her, physically but he had. He could see Irina in Ilya. In the way he loved, the way he spoke about her, the way he spoke about Russia, and about the cross that hung around his neck.
He loved her, and because of the love that he had, he saw the world a different way. A way Shane could never see. He could imagine a world without his mom, and even the thought would make his knees shake, so he couldn't even imagine the loss that Ilya had felt, had experienced.
And Shane was perceptive, so when a package sent by Svetlana, with a Russian customs label on the side arrived, he saw Ilya break into pieces.
Now, he was the one who put Ilya back together again. To fit the complicated puzzle of Ilya Rozanov back together. So, he found the thing that broke Ilya all over again.
☆
"Ilya?" Shane whispered.
Ilya's head lolled back to rest against the mattress and he turned his head to face Shane. His eyes are red and raw, still glistening in the light shining in from the window.
Shane sat next to him on the floor and was holding his hand as tightly as he could. The bedframe poked into his back uncomfortably, but he wouldn't move from this spot. Not until Ilya could move.
"Mama..." Ilya turned his head and looked up at the ceiling. A tear fell down his cheek and Shane wiped it away, softly.
Ilya sniffled and then laughed at himself. The sound is wrong but natural.
"You miss her?"
"So much."
"I wish I could've met her."
"Me too."
"I love you."
Ilya turns to kiss Shane, on his hair. Then, he pulls away.
"You..."
"Sorry. I didn't want to get my snot in your hair."
"It's fine."
They sit in the silence of their bedroom, and Shane looks to the bedroom window. The morning sun is shining in.
It had been as normal as a summer day at the cottage. Then, Shane had heard the cries and staggered in, terrified for what he might find, but Ilya sat there, wailing and Shane broke and fell to his side and never moved. Not until Ilya did.
"You could meet her."
"What?" Shane turned to Ilya.
"She wrote a letter. To me. Before she..."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh."
"Do you want me to read it?"
"It's in Russian."
"I could read it?"
"You can't read Russian."
"I can try." Shane insists.
Ilya looks at Shane, an indescribable look on his face. A smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
Shane doesn't understand it, and squeezes Ilya's hand twice.
The signal, when Shane doesn't understand.
"You're... I don't know how to say it." Ilya trails off.
"I'm what?"
"Persistent." Ilya smirks, and Shane's heart leaps. If he could make Ilya smirk or even show a hint of a smile for the rest of his life, any goal he scored would never matter to him.
"I try to be." Shane smiles back.
"I could read it out."
"You don't have to."
"I want to."
Ilya brings the letter in front of him.
He continues, "She hid in one of the photobooks we had."
It's at that point that Shane looks over to Ilya's side. A photobook, full of baby pictures. Snow in every single picture and a small child that Shane could only assume was Ilya.
And an envelope, cyrillic on the front spelling out "Ilya".
Shane could at least recognise his boyfriend's name.
"I'd like to see them." Ilya hums to this. “The photos.”
Ilya squeezes Shane's hand and Shane moves closer and cranes his neck over to read, even though his eyes scan over the page and he doesn't understand a word. He looks at Irina’s writing and he meets her for the second time.
Ilya glances at Shane, their eyes meeting and he begins.
"'To my Ilya," Ilya's voice is rough.
“‘You will find this when I’m gone. I won’t apologise for leaving. It was my decision. I hope you can understand this eventually.’”
All Shane can hear is Ilya’s voice, careful and practised translating as he goes, the sound of the breeze outside and the crinkle of paper as Ilya holds the letter in front of him, as careful as he can.
“‘You might find me selfish for letting my life go, but there was no life for me.’” Ilya pauses, takes a breath he didn’t know he was holding and continues. “‘No life that I could lead and be happy with.’”
Ilya tucks his head into Shane’s neck and leans in, craving his warmth. Shane draws patterns on Ilya’s shoulder, trying to soothe him.
“‘All I can leave you are my hopes and I hope that you let yourself read on. The passage of time is finite. I don’t know how or when you will find this, but I know you will eventually. You always have a habit of surprising me like that. I hope that you surprise more people than I could ever imagine.’”
Ilya breaks off, reading ahead. Translating the words before he speaks them. He thinks for a moment that this is the one moment where he feels so sad and happy at the same time.
He’s reading his mother’s suicide note, but at the same time, he isn’t alone.
“‘The part of my life that brought me the most joy was being able to be your mother. I would wish this on everyone if I could, but I am too greedy to let anyone see you as I see you.’” A tear rolls down Ilya’s cheek, before being wiped away by Shane once again.
“‘My joy, my world, my son.’”
“Oh.” Shane mumbles into Ilya’s shirt.
“‘You bring such light into the world, it’s understandable how the stars are jealous. They will resent that they’ll never reach you. They float high above the ground, and you will always stay fixed to the ground.’”
Before he realises it, Shane starts to cry silently. He thinks for a moment, if the way she spoke was this beautiful then she had to have been a lovely mother.
“‘I have many hopes for your life and what you will achieve. I know you will achieve great accomplishments, but the best part of all of it will be the person you look towards when you are full of all that emotion you can’t begin to explain.’”
Ilya looks at Shane.
Then, he turns back to the letter, “‘That person is your beacon. You will sail to wherever they are, but don’t let it blind you. I hope the person that you look to is kind and understanding. It’s all a mother could ask for. That this person understands you better than yourself, and in loving them, you can grasp more of your own self that you could ever do alone.’”
Ilya sniffles, his fingers creasing into the paper.
“‘I hope that whoever loves you is trusting and selfless, that they lend themselves over to you completely. Ilya, once you find them, never let go.’”
They don’t even look at each other.
Without even realising, Ilya had found this person.
“‘I hope that the universe allows me enough to hope this for you, that you find them and you also lend yourself over to simply being with them.’”
Shane drags his hand from Ilya’s shoulder to his head, tangling his fingers in amongst his hair.
“‘I wish that you would be able to understand this, Ilya. I love you so much, if I could bring the stars down to you, just so you could see them as I do, I would. I wish I could see you again, just for one moment and make one last promise. I would not be able to look at you, and make you promise this without falling apart and so, before I go, could you promise me one thing?’”
Shane leans over and places a kiss on top of Ilya’s hair.
“‘Don’t let the dark take hold, find the light, reach for any light you see. In the sky, in people, and in yourself. But don’t be afraid of the dark. Trust me, it’s not scary. It’s within the shadows of your own heart, just like mine. Don’t be afraid to let the darkness in, it makes the warmth of the light greater. It’s a reminder, Ilya.’”
Ilya’s eyes track down to the end of the page, and closes his eyes recounting it from his memory.
“‘Promise me you’ll remember that. I love you forever, Mama.’”
Then, Ilya breaks.
Tears rush out, his face feels hot and he feels himself start to rock back and forth. The sobs rattle his body and he lends himself over to it, feeling everything.
And Shane.
Shane holds him so tightly, that if he ever let go Ilya would feel incomplete.
“Thank you, Ilya. Thank you for letting me meet her.” Shane whispers into his ear.