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When did it even start?
Shinyu had asked himself that question more times than he could count, yet the answer always slipped away from him.
Did it begin when they were trainees, spending endless hours in the practice room chasing the same dream?
Or was it the day they debuted together, when the bright stage lights blinded him and the cheers of the crowd echoed in his ears?
He remembered looking beside him that day.
Dohoon had been crying.
Not loudly--just quiet tears that he kept wiping away while trying to smile at the audience.
Shinyu remembered feeling something strange then. Something warm and tight in his chest that he couldn't explain.
At that time, he thought it was just happiness.
They had worked so hard to stand on that stage, after all.
But looking back now, Shinyu wondered if it had already started long before that.
Maybe it was the late nights in the practice room, when the others had already gone back to the dorms but Dohoon was still there, stubbornly repeating the same choreography again and again.
Shinyu had stayed too.
At first, he told himself it was because he wanted to practice more.
But if that were true, why did he always find himself watching Dohoon through the mirror instead of his own reflection?
The quiet sound of sneakers against the wooden floor.
The way Dohoon counted the beats under his breath.
The small smile he gave whenever he finally got a move right.
Back then, Shinyu didn't think much of it.
He only knew that somehow, without realizing when it happened, Dohoon had slowly become the first person he looked for in every room.
*
The practice room looked the same as it had. The mirrors, the speakers in the corners, the faint marks on the wooden floor from years of rehearsals.
But something about it felt different now. Shinyu noticed it the moment Dohoon walked in.
Once, Dohoon would have come straight to stand beside him, dropping his bag on the floor and complaining about how early their schedule had been that morning.
Now, he stopped on the other side of the room. "Let's start from the second chorus," Dohoon said, his voice calm and professional.
Not even looking at him.
Shinyu nodded quietly, pretending not to notice.
The music started, filling the room with familiar beat. They moved through the choreography perfectly--years of practice making every movement automatic.
To anyone watching, nothing would seem wrong. But Shinyu noticed the small things.
Dohoon didn't stand next to him when they lined up. He didn't joke with him between takes. and when their eyes accidentally met in the mirror, Dohoon looked away first.
Again.
Shinyu felt something heavy settle in his chest.
He still didn't know exactly when his feelings had started.
But he knew when things had begun to change.
*
The music stopped abruptly.
"Again from the beginning," the choreographer said, clapping his hands once before stepping aside.
The members moved back to the starting positions, some stretching their arms while others grabbed quick sips of water.
Shinyu wiped the sweat from the back of his neck and glanced across the room.
Dohoon was adjusting the sleeve of his hoodie, talking to Jihoon. His hair was slightly messey from practice, and he kept pushing it away from his eyes.
Without thinking, Shinyu kept looking.
It was a habit he had never really noticed before. "Hyung". The voice made him blink.
Dohoon was suddenly standing right in front of him.
"You are staring."
Shinyu froze for half a second.
"I wasn't," he said quickly, looking away.
Dohoon didn't reply immediately. Instead, Shinyu could feel his gaze lingering, like he was trying to figure something out.
The silence stretched between them until the music started again. Everyone moved into postion. Shinyu focused on the choreography, forcing himself to keep his eyes on the mirror. But halfway through the routine, he made the mistake of glancing to the side.
Dohoon was already looking at him.
Not casually.
Carefully.
As if he had just noticed something he couldn't ignore anymore.
*
The van hummed quietly as it cruised back to the dorm after practice. Shinyu stared out the window, watching streetlights blur past, but his mind wasn't on the lights -- it was on Dohoon.
Dohoon sat beside Jihoon, who was joking loudly about something that happened earlier in practice, making Kyungmin giggle beside him. The second youngest of the group always lit up the atmosphere, even on tired nights like this.
"Hyung, you really should've said something earlier." Jihoon teased Dohoon, earning a light smack from Kyungmin and an eye-roll from Dohoon.
"You never know when you'll become the punchline," Dohoon muttered, his voice low and steady-- but then his eyes flicked toward the saet across from him for a split second.
Shinyu's breath hitched.
Across from them, Youngjae was showing Hanjin a funny dance move he'd made up earlier, making Hanjin laugh so hard his cheeks turned pink. The whole van was noisy with warm energy -- all except the space between Shinyu and Dohoon.
For a moment, Shinyu watched Dohoon's profile, how his narrowed slightly when he laughed at Jihoon's jokes, how his lips curved just a little.
Then Dohoon turned his head -- and their eyes met.
Just for a second.
But the second was enough for Shinyu to feel something heavy twist in his chest.
Dohoon lookes away first.
Was it embarrassment?
Or something worse?
Shinyu didn't know.
He only knew that tonight, the space beside him felt quieter than ever.
*
Shinyu walked into the dorm lounge, expecting the usual chatter of the members after practice.
But something felt off.
Dohoon was already there, sitting on the far end of the couch. Normally, he'd be sitting closer, maybe teasing someone or nudging Shinyu while stretching. Tonight, he kept his distance, arms crossed, gaze fixed on his phone.
Shinyu's stomach twisted.
He sat down at the other end, pretending to scroll through his own phone. But every time he looked up, Dohoon's eyes immediately darted away,
He had been noticing that Dohoon had been acting strange lately. He seemed to be avoiding him and he didn't know why.
He tried small gestures--offering Dohoon a bottle of water, joking quietly--but each time, Dohoon barely glanced at him, focusing instead on the ceiling or his hands.
Even when Kyungmin and Jihoon came in to show something funny on their phones, Dohoon smiled at them, laughed with them, and completely ignored Shinyu.
Shinyu felt a strange ache in his chest. The closeness they had shared before--the subtle glances, the small touches, the quiet moments after practice--was gone.
The more he tried to act normal, the heavier the silence between them became. And with every second Dohoon looked away, Shinyu felt the distance grow even further.
*
Sleep refused to come that night.
Shinyu stared at the ceiling of the dorm room for what felt like hours, the silence pressing heavily around him. Every time he closed his eyes, the same thoughts returned.
Dohoon avoiding him.
Dohoon looking away.
Dohoon pretending nothing was wrong.
With a quiet sigh, Shinyu pushed the blanket aside and slipped out of the bed.
Maybe some fresh air would help.
The dorm rooftop was cool and quiet when he stepped outside. The city lights stretched far into the distance, glowing softly beneath the dark sky.
But Shinyu froze the moment he saw someone already there.
Dohoon,
He was leaning against the railing, hands in the pockets of his hoodie, staring out at the city.
For a brief moment, neither of them moved. Then Dohoon noticed him.
His eyes widened slightly before his expression quickly hardened. Without saying anything, he straightened up, clearly preparing to leave.
"Dohoon-ah." Shinyu's voice stopped him.
Dohoon paused, his back still turned.
Shinyu took a few slow steps forward, his heart beating faster with every second.
"Are you avoiding me?"
Dohoon didn't turn around. "No."
The answer came too quickly.
Shinyu let out a quiet breath, frustration creeping into his voice.
"Then why have you been acting like this? You seem.....distant lately."
Finally, Dohoon turned to face him.
But instead of answering, he asked something else.
"Hyung."
His voice calm, but his eyes were searching.
"Do you like me?"
The question hit Shinyu like a sudden gust of cold wind.
He blinked, caught completely off guard.
For a moment, the rooftop fell silent except for the faint soundof traffic far below.
Shinyu looked down at the ground, his hands tightening slightly at the sides.
There was no point pretending anymore, he thought.
"...Yeah," he admitted quietly.
"I do."
When he finally looked up again, Dohoon was staring at him with an expression Shinyu couldn't quite read.
Something conflicted.
Something distant.
"Hyung," Dohoon said slowly, " we're idols."
Shinyu felt his chest tighten.
"This....isn't right."
The words landed heavily in the quiet night air.
" You shouldn't like me," Dohoon continued, his voice steady but firm. "And you should move on."
Shinyu's throat felt dry.
"Dohoon-ah--"
"I can't like you back."
The sentence cut through him before he could say anything else.
Dohoon's gaze softened just slightly, but he didn't look away.
"You'll always be my hyung," he said.
"Nothing more."
Shinyu felt something in his chest crack.
"So please...stop treating me differently."
The silence that followed felt unbearable. Dohoon turned before Shinyu could respond.
Without another word, he walked past him and disappered down the stairwell. The rooftop door closed with a quiet click. And just like that, Shinyu was left atanding standing there alone. The cold night air suddenly felt much heavier than before.
*
Dohoon had noticed it long before that night on the rooftop.
The way Shinyu treated him was different.
It wasn't something obvious at first. If someone else were watching, they might not have seen it at all.
But Dohoon did.
Shinyu always spoke to him a little more gently than he did to others. When the members joked around, Shinyu's attention somehow always drifted back to him.
And whenever their eyes met, Shinyu's gaze softened in a way that made his chest feel strangely warm.
At first, he told himself he was imagining things. But the small moments kept piling up.
The way Shinyu waited for him after practice.
The way he listened carefully whenever Dohoon spoke.
The wat his voice sounded just a little softer whenever he said,"Dohoon-ah."
Dohoon wasn't stupid.
He knew what it meant.
Even if Shinyu never said the words out loud, Dohoon could tell.
Shinyu liked him,
And the truth was.... Dohoon liked it.
The warmth.
The attention.
The quiet understanding between them.
Whenever Shinyu looked at him, Dohoon could feel his heart beating a little faster.
Talking to Shinyu felt easy in a way that talking to others sometimes didn't.
For a while, he let himself enjoy it.
But the more he thought about it, the heavier the feeling in his chest became.
They were idols.
Their company wouldn't allow something like that.
If anyone found out, it could cause problems not only for them, but for the whole group.
Dohoon told himself the same thing again and again.
This is wrong.
So he decided to end it all before it could become something bigger.
Slowly, he started putting distance between them.
He stood farther away during practice.
He avoided Shinyu's gaze whenever their eyes met.
He stopped lingering beside him after schedules ended.
If he acted normally, he thought, everything would go back to the way it used to be. They would be friends again.
Nothing more.
But every time he saw the hurt in Shinyu's eyes when he pulled away, something in Dohoon's chest tightened painfully.
He kept telling himself the feeling would disappear.
It didn't.
So when he ran into Shinyu on the rooftop that night, Dohoon knew there was only one thing left to do.
End it completely.
He forced himself to sound calm.
Forced himself not to show the storm of emotions inside him.
And when he told Shinyu to move on....when he said he could never like him back....
He could see the way Shinyu's expression broke.
Even now, the memory made his chest ache.
After leaving the rooftop. Dohoon walked down the stairs quickly, his hands clenched tightly at his side.
Coward, he thought bitterly.
He has pushed away the only person who truly understood him.
The only person who loved him that way.
By the time he reached the hallway, the tears he had been holding finally slipped down his face.
He wiped them away quickly before anyone could see.
The dorm room was quiet when he entered the room he shared with Jihoon.
Jihoon was already asleep.
Dohoon quietly closed the door behind him and sat on the edge of his bed.
And in the darkness of the room, he finally allowed himself to cry.
*
The next morning felt strangely normal.
Too normal.
Dohoon walked into the practice room with the rest, his chest tight with an uneasiness he couldn't explain. He had expected something different.
Maybe silence.
Maybe anger.
Maybe Shinyu avoiding him the way he had avoided him.
But none of that happened.
"Morning," Shinyu said casually when their eyes met for a brief second.
Just like that.
The same way he greeted everyone else.
Dohoon blinked slightly, caught off guard.
The practice began soon after. Music filled the room, the familiar rhythm guiding their movements. Shinyu moved through the choreography effortlessly, focused and calm.
And when the members took a break, Shinyu walked straight over to Kyungmin, lightly ruffling his hair.
"You missed the step again," he said with a small laugh.
Kyungmin groaned dramatically, making Jihoon burst out laughing beside him. "Hyung, don't expose him like that," Jihoon teased.
Shinyu just chuckled.
The sound made something twist painfully in Dohoon's chest. He turned away, pretending to check his phone.
A moment later, Shinyu was teasing Hanjin about the timing during the dance, nudging him playfully. Then he sat behind Youngjae, quietly showing him something on his phone while the two of them laughed about it.
Dohoon watched all of it from across the room. And suddenly a thought slipped into his mind.
That used to be me.
He quickly looked away.
This is exactly what he had wanted.
Shinyu had stopped treating him differently.
He had stopped giving him those lingering looks.
Stopped hovering near him.
Now Shinyu treated him the same way he treated everyone else.
Like a teammate.
Like a colleague.
When Shinyu spoke to him, his tone was polite and easy.
"Dohoon, can you check that part of the choreography again?"
"Dohoon-ah, the manager said we're leaving in ten minutes."
Nothing more.
No quiet conversations.
No small moments meant only for the two of them.
Just normal.
And somehow, that hurt more than Dohoon expected.
He swallowed hard, looking down at his hands.
You don't deserve to feel like this, he told himself.
He was the one who pushed Shinyu away.
He was the one who said it was wrong.
So why did it feel unbearable watching Shinyu laugh with everyone else?
Why did his chest tighten every time Shinyu smiled at someone that way?
Dohoon clenched his jaw slightly. This is what you wanted, he reminded himself. But the more he watched Shinyu treating him like just another member.....the more he realized how much he hated it.
*
It started slowly.
Kyungmin had been struggling for weeks during preparations for the comeback. At first, no one thought much of it. Comebacks were always eahausting. But soon the members bagan to notice the change.
Kyungmin practiced harder than anyone else, repeating the same steps again and again even after everyone else had stopped. Yet the more he pushed himself, the more frustated he seemed to become.
Sometimes he snapped at the others during practice. Sometimes he stayed unusually quiet.
The pressure was clearly getting to him. And during all that time Shinyu was aleays there.
At first, Dohoon didn't think much about it.
Kyungmin was their maknae after all. Of course he needed his leader's support. Still... Dohoon couldn't help noticing something.
Shinyu seemed to pay a little more attention to Kyungmin than before.
Checking on him after practice.
Speaking to him quietly when the others weren't paying attention.
Something only the two of them seemed to understand.
The other members had begun to notice Kyungmin's struggle too. Maybe the pressure of the comback was simply too much for him.
*
It happened during practice one afternoon.
The music had finally stopped, giving the members a short break from the intense choreography.
Kyungmin collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily from the exhausting routine.
Dohoon wiped the sweat fromhis neck, leaning against the mirror as he tried to catch his breath. That was when he saw Shinyu moving towards Kyungmin. Shinyu crouched down beside him, whispering something quietly. Kyungmin slowly nodded before standing up and walking toward one of the chairs at the far end of the practice room. He sat there staring at the floor.
Shinyu followed and crouched in front of him, gently taking Kyungmin's hands into his own. "Kyungmin-ah..." Shinyu said softly. "You really don't have to carry this alone."
That was all it took.
Kyungmin suddenly broke down. His shoulders shook as he began to sob, burying his face into Shinyu's shoulder. Shinyu immediately, wrapped his arms around him, rubbing his back gently. "....Hyung...,' Kyungmin cried, his voice trembling. " Its really hard for me. I....I'm really...really tired. I can't even....even seem to keep up with you all...What should I do, hyung?"
Shinyu pulled him closer into the embrace. "We all are here for you," he said. "You are not alone in this. Hyung will stay by your side. Lets take one step at a time, shall we?"
Kyungmin nodded weakly, burying his face deeper into Shinyu's shoulder. After a moment, Shinyu carefully lifted him into his arms.
"Keep practicing," he told the others calmly. "I'll stay with Kyungmin for a while." Then he carries the younger to another room where they usually rest. The door closed behind them. and silence fill the practice room.
Dohoon hadn't moved the entire time, watching everything. Of course he was worried about their maknae. When he looked at the others, their faces were filled with concern.
But someting else was stirring inside him. Something he hated. He remembered the wat Shinyu had looked at Kyungmin. The softness in his eyes. The same one Shinyu used to have when he looked at him. Dohoon lowered his gaze to the floor. The realization made the pit in his stomach grow deeper.
*
The dorm was quiet that night.
Too quiet.
Most of the members had already gone to bed after the exhausting practice.
Jihoon was asleep in the bed across from him, breathing softly in the darkness. But Dohoon couldn't sleep.
He lay back, staring at the ceiling, the events of the day replaying in his mind again and again.
Kyungmin crying.
Shinyi holding him.
The softness in shinyu's voice.
Dohoon close his eyes tightly.
Of course Shinyu helped Kyungmin. He was their leader. The maknae needed him. There was nothing strange about that.
So why had Dohoon felt sharp twist inhis chest when he saw it?
He turned onto his side, frustrated eith himself. You wanted this, he reminded himself. He was the one who told Shinyu to stop. He was the one who said they should just be members. Teammates.
Nothing more.
And Shinyu had listened.
Now Shinyu treated him exactly the same way he treated everyone else.
Normal.
Respectful.
Distant.
Dohoon swallowed hard. Somehow, that hurt more than he expected.
He remembered the way Shinyu used to wait for him after practice. The quiet conversation they shared late at night. The way Shinyu's eyes softened whenever he looked at him. Now those moments were gone.
And today...
Dohoon had seen that same softness in Shinyu's eyes when he looked at Kyungmin. The thought made his chest tighten painfully.
Dohoon buried his face in his pillow, squeezing his eyes shut.
This is what you wanted, he told himself again. But the words felt emptier every time he repeated them. Because deep down, a frightening realization was beginning to grow in his heart.
Maybe the problem had never been that Shinyu liked him.
Maybe the problem was that......
Dohoon liked him too.
*
Unable to sleep that night, Dohoon climed up to the rooftop, hoping the cold night breeze would bring him some peace.
The rooftop door creaked open quietly. The cool night air brushed against Dohoon's face as he stepped outside. The city lights spread beneath the dark sky, just like they had that night. The night he pushed Shinyu away. Dohoon's chest tightened at the memory. He hadn't come here by accident.
Shinyu was already there. Leaning against the railing, quietly looking out over the city. For a moment Dohoon simply stood there, watching him.
He realized something then.
Shinyu hadn't changed at all.
The only thing that had changed... was the distance between them.
"Hyung."
Shinyu turned slightly at the sound of his voice.
"Dohoon-ah?"
Hs tone was calm, almost careful. The same polite distance he had with others.
Dohoon hated it.
He took a slow step forward.
"Hyung.... can we talk?"
Shinyu nodded quietly. "Of course."
The answer was simple. Professional. Dohoon swallowed hard.
"Do you remember the last time we were here?"
Shinyu's eyes flickered for a moment before he looked back at the city.
"Yeah."
Silence settled between them. Dohoon clenched his hands.
"Hyung....I lied."
That made Shinyu turn. "What?"
Dohoon forced himself to meet his eyes.
"When I said I couldn't like you back." His voice trembled slightly.
"That wasn't true."
Shinyu stared at him, clearly caught off guard.
"Then why did you--"
"Because I was scared."
The words came out faster now.
"Scared of the company. Scared of what people would say. Scared that it would ruin everything for the group."
Dohoon looked down.
"So I thought pushing you away would fix it." He let out a quiet laugh.
"Turns out... it only made things worse."
The wind moved softly around them.
"Seeing you laughing withthe others... seeing you treat me like just another member..." His voice dropped.
"it hurts more than I expected."
Shinyu didn't say anything.
Dohoon stepped closer.
"Hyung... I think I realized something too late." His heart pounded loudly in his chest.
"I liked you." He hesitated.
"No..."
Then he corrected himself softly.
"I love you."
The words hung in the air between them. For a moment, Shinyu simply stared at him. Then he let out a quiet breath.
"Dohoon-ah.." There was something fragile in his voice now.
"You really know how to mess with someone's heart."
Dohoon's chest tightened. "I'm sorry."
Shinyu studied him for a moment before shaking his head softly. "You're really unfair, you know."
Dohoon blinked.
"You're the one who told me to move on." A faint smile appeared in Shinyu's face.
"And now you're asking me to come back?"
Dohoon nodded slowly. "If it's not too late."
The silence that followed felt endless. Then Shinyu stepped closer. And for the first time in weeks, the distance between them disappeared.
"You're lucky, Dohoon-ah," he said quietly.
"I never really moved on."
For a moment, Dohoon just stared at him, as if trying to make sure he had heard the words correctly.
"Hyung.." His voice came out softer than he expected.
Shinyu stepped closer until there was barely any space left between them. The city light shimmered below them, the cool wind brushing past there shoulders, but neither of them moved away.
Dohoon suddenly felt overwhelmed with everything he had been holding back. Without thinking, he reached forward and wrapped his arms around Shinyu. The hug was tight and desperate, like he was afraid Shinyu might disppear if he let go.
For a brief second Shinyu froze in surprise. Then he slowly returned the embrace, one arms around Dohoon's shoulders while the other rested gently against his back.
"You really made things hard for both of us," Shinyu murmured, smiling.
Dohoon buried his face against Shinyu's shoulder. "I know," he whispered. "I'm sorry, hyung."
They stayed like that for a while, standing quietly on the rooftop, the distance that had existed between them finally gone. When Dohoon pulled back slightly, he noticed the way Shinyu was looking at him. That familiar softness had returned. The same look Dohoon had missed for so long. His heart started beating faster again.
"Hyung.." he said nervously.
"Hmm?"
Can I..."
He hesitated, suddenly unsure of himself. Shinyu seemed to understand immediately. A small smile appeared on his face.
"You ask for permission now?"
Dohoon laughed quietly, embarrased.
"After everything I did... I think I should." Shinyu shook his head slightly before gently placing a hand on the back of Dohoon's neck.
"You think too much."
Then he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against Dohoon's lips. It was brief and gentle, but it made Dohoon's entire world seem to stop for a moment.
When they pulled apart, Dohoon was still staring at him in disbelief.
Shinyu chuckled softly.
"You're really slow sometimes, you know that?"
Dohoon smiled for the first time that night, the tension in his chest finally easing. This time, when he leaned in again, Shinyu didn't pull away.
*
Life in the dorm slowly returned to normal after taht night on the rooftop.
Practice schedules, recordings, late-night snacks in the kitchen--everything looked exactly the same from the outside. But for Dohoon and Shinyu, everything had quietly changed.
It started with small things. Stolen glances across the practice room mirrors.
Dohoon would catch Shinyu looking at him through the reflection, and instead of looking away like before, he would give the faintest smile.
Sometimes during breaks, their hands would brush when reaching for the same water bottle.
Neither of them would pull away immediately. The touch would linger just for a second longer than it should. Just enough for both of them to feel it.
Late at night in the dorm, when most of the members had already gone to their rooms, Dohoon would sometimes find Shinyu standing in the kitchen.
"Couldn't sleep?" Shinyu would ask quietly.
Dohoon would shrug.
"Maybe."
They would talk softly so no one else would hear. Sometimes leaning against the counter. Sometimes sitting side by side at the table. And when the hallway lights were off and the dorm was completely quiet, Shinyu would gently pull Dohoon closer. Their kisses were always quick and careful. Soft. LIke a secret shared only between them.
Of course, living with the members made it hard to keep everything hidden.
Very hard.
One afternoon in the practice room, Jihoon suddenly stopped mis-conversation. He narrowed his eyes at Dohoon and Shinyu.
"...Why are you two standing so close?"
Shinyu cleared his throat. "We're not."
Jihoon lookes completely unconvinced.
Another time, during dinner at the dorm, Kyungmin noticed something.
Shinyu has quietly placed extra food on Dohoon's plate. Kyungmin slowly turned his head. "..Hyung."
Shinyu froze.
"You never give me extra food." Across the table, Hanjin burst out laughing. "Ohhh."
Kyungmin leaned forward suspiciously. "What's going on here?"
Dohoon almost choked on his drink.
The teasing only got worse after that.
One evening in the living room, Youngjae suddenly smirked while watching them. "Interesting."
Dohoon blinked nervously. "What?"
Youngjae pointed at the couch. "Your shoulders have been touching for like ten minutes now."
Both of them immediately moved apart. The room exploded with laughter.
Later that night, when everyone had finally gone to their rooms, Dohoon quietly slipped onto the rooftop. The cold air felt familiar. Comforting.
A few moments later, the door opened again. Shinyu stepped outside.
"You disappeared again," he said.
Dohoon smiled. " You found me anyway."
Shinyu walked over and stood beside him. For a moment they just looked out at the city lights. Then Shinyu gently reached for Dohoon's hand, their fingers intertwined naturally now.
No hesitation.
No fear between them anymore.
"Well," Shinyu said softly, "if the members already suspects us..."
Dohoon raised an eyebrow.
"Then...we should probably let them figure it out themsleves."
Shinyu chuckled. "Probably."
But he didn't let go of Dohoon's hand. And this time, neither of the cared if someone might see.