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His members had known. They had known it ever since their pre-debut days. Seungheon knew back then that this was something he couldn't hide from them. Something he actually didn’t want to hide from them. So he told them, from the very first beginning. The very first day, and his biggest secret, the thing he was so insecure about, was already on the table.
8turn, the group Seungheon was part of, had always had his back. Nobody ever could make a comment about Seungheon, or his appearances, without his members cussing the culprit out. If something was a bigger dream to Seungheon than becoming an idol, then it was to have supporting friends. 8turn was very supportive, to the point that they more often than not forgot that he, Seungheon, was transgender. They didn’t forget on purpose, but it all felt so natural and normal, that they just simply forgot. Some forgot more often than others, but one person was the absolute best in forgetting. That person was Jaeyun, Seungheon's best friend and leader of the group. You would expect from a leader that he KNOWS his members. Oh, and don’t get the wrong idea, Jaeyun knows them. But that Seungheon is transgender, he keeps forgetting that little piece of information.
One of the first examples happened during the promotions for their debut song, TicTac. Special arrangements were made, in order for Seungheon to be comfortable when the group would get ready for their stage. They weren't big arrangements, just some simple rules that helped Seungheon out. For example, the other seven members were not allowed behind the curtain that was installed in their changing room. The space behind the curtain? It was for Seungheon to change into his clothing. Look, Seungheon did get testosterone, so things like periods were not a problem anymore. But he still did not have his top-surgery. Binders and tight sport-bras were his saviour and two things he absolutely could not live without. More often than not, Minho (the second oldest) had to remind their maknae that he had to change out of his binder, because Seungheon would forget, or simply ignore. So you get it, Seungheon didn’t feel comfortable in his own skin, and showing his members? That was something he rather didn’t do. So he changed, behind the curtain, to make it easy. For himself, and the members. If the curtain was closed, it meant that Seungheon was changing. A red area for the members, they could not look behind it, no matter how big the emergency was.
But, this would not always go like it was intended to. Sometimes, for example when Seungheon had already changed, someone else would use it. Sometimes, when Seungheon felt even more insecure than usual, he would change in the bathrooms across the hall. And sometimes, his members just simply forgot and that’s how he ended up in this situation. Shirt still on the chair, binder in his hand ready to put it on.
Seungheon looked up, his eyes widened in shock. “TURN AROUND.” He screamed at whoever just opened the curtains. “W-what, why-” Jaeyun stared at Seungheon's shocked face. “Hyung. Turn around. Close it. Now.” Seungheon didn’t care about the way he sounded. He wanted to be clear, to be sure that Jaeyun would do what he was requesting him to do. “Hyung… please.” Seungheon pleaded again, as Jaeyun didn’t immediately do what he was being asked to do.
“Fuck- yes sorry, fuck.” It looked as if it suddenly clicked in Jaeyun's mind. He quickly turned around and closed the curtains. Six pairs of eyes stared at him. “Did you seriously forget again? How do you even manage that? Seungheon literally said he was going to change hyung!” Yungyu exclaimed, extremely annoyed with his leader.
Yungyu, Kyungmin and Haemin exchanged glances with each other. All three knew what was going to come. All three started preparing mentally for the night to come. Seungheon would probably feel like shit, would probably hide himself under his covers. Things he would usually do when someone walked in on him. Because underneath the strong, confident boy that he showed to their fans, Seungheon dwelled under insecurities.
When Seungheon appeared in the room again, five minutes later, everything seemed a bit awkward. He didn’t know where to look, who to sit next to, who to approach and even more, who to ignore. Jaeyun had really messed up his confidence again. The fact that not only Jaeyun, but also the other six members had the opportunity to look at his boobs gnawed at him. Because every time Seungheon became scared, scared that this time his members would look differently at him. That they would start looking at him as a girl, the girl he put so far away.
Luckily, the stage went well. Nobody messed up, vocals were clean, raps were strong and dance moves were executed as they were taught. Everyone was proud of themselves and at each other. Everyone, except Seungheon. He couldn't let the idea of Turning figuring out go. What if his shirt was too tight and the lines of the binder had shown up? What if his voice was just a tad higher than normally? What if Turnings suddenly noticed that he was a lot smaller than boys his age normally are? What if they made the links and put everything together…? What if.
“Hey, look at me.” It was Jaeyun. The same guy who had put Seungheon in this state of mind. “Nobody has noticed anything, nobody is going to notice anything. You don’t have to be scared, I promise that. Everything looked good and you did amazing.” Seungheon still didn’t look at Jaeyun, but the words were slowly making it into his brain. “I don’t know… what if…” Jaeyun shook his head. “No what ifs, the only thing related to a what if question you get to ask now is the following: what if we order fries and burgers tonight? And I will say yes to that, we will order fries and burgers, chickenburgers.”
Seungheon chuckled softly. His leader knew him a tad too well. “Chickenburgers sound fantastic… Can I also have a strawberry milkshake with that…?” Jaeyun smiled and nodded. “Of course my boy, of course.” Jaeyun said as he pulled Seungheon in a hug. “I’m sorry about earlier, I should’ve thought twice before opening that curtain. Next time I will, I promise.” “It’s okay hyung, these things can happen. But next time I will hit you, and I mean it this time.” They both laughed together.
Times like that were good, and they always got resolved. Seungheon didn’t like fighting over things that had to do with him being transgender. That didn’t feel good to him and it didn’t feel honest to his members. But sometimes, fighting over it happened.
The second time Jaeyun forgot that Seungheon was transgender, was also during one of the many stages they did as a group. Everyone was paired up, same clothes per duo. For the oldest and the youngest? Blue fitted jeans, with a white football shirt on top. The shirt was tight too, made to fit snugly around the muscles of the members. For Jaeyun this was no problem at all. He liked to show off his muscles. Not in the way that he would take off his shirt in front of the fans, or wear crop tops like Myungho. No, not in that way. But Jaeyun did like to show off the muscles that he had.
For Seungheon however, the shirt was a nightmare. The shirt was so tight, that the lines of his binder were showing underneath it. Lines that were unexplainable if anyone would ask about it. Lines that, even if they were explainable, made Seungheon so incredibly uncomfortable that he felt like crying.
Crying was what he did. Not insanely, not dramatically. Tears didn’t run off his cheeks like a waterfall, but they were slow, steady, warm tears, while staring at himself in the mirror. Seungheon couldn’t drag his eyes from the mirror, glued to his own body. Mind telling him stupid things, like that he was a girl, that his members didn’t actually like him and mainly, that he… that he had to be hurt. hurt because he was so selfish. Selfish for putting his members and his group on the line. If their fans found out, not only Seungheon's career would be ruined, but the one of his members would also be ruined. Or so Seungheon thought.
“Seungheon hurry up. We need to be on stage in ten minutes.” Jaeyun spoke through the curtain. "Y-yeah, uhhmmm Jae…?” Seungheon's voice was shaking lightly, tears clearer in his voice than on his face (luckily, because there was no time to redo his make-up). Seungheon had put on his hoodie again, so they didn’t have to talk through the curtain.
Jaeyun stared at Seungheon for a second. “Why are you wearing your hoodie? Hurry up man, we only have a few minutes left!” Seungheon looked down at the shirt in his hand. “I uh… can I switch with Yungyu?” He asked in a soft tone, looking over at the door, where the older boy who was wearing a big t-shirt was standing. “No. Hurry up. It’s too late to switch now. We are already leaving. Don’t complain, it’s just one stage. It’s nothing big.” Jaeyun wasn’t mad, he was frustrated at least. “But- I can’t wear this hyung! Everything will show!”
Seungheon thought it was clear what he meant with that.
“That’s the goal Seungheon! Show off those muscles of yours, that’s what they are for!” Jaeyun got more frustrated now. “It’s not the muscles hyung!” Their voices grew louder. “Then don’t complain! Put on that shirt, now. I don’t want to hear you anymore until we go on stage. Hurry.”
The tears spilled harder now, almost equivalent to a waterfall. “I can’t hyung. Please, just let me wear something else.” Seungheon still clutched the shirt in his hand. “You can Seungheon. Put it on. Please, we need to go in a few minutes.” Seungheon gulped. He knew he couldn’t wait much longer, their stage starting in less than three minutes. They should’ve already been backstage, with the rest of their group. With a lump in his throat, Seungheon turned around and closed the curtain behind him. “I’m already going to the others. I’ll see you soon.” Jaeyun said before leaving the room. Seungheon had accepted his fate, or at least he thought.
Two minutes after their stage was supposed to start, Seungheon made his way over to the rest of his group. “You are lucky, BtoB sunbaenim was able to go instead of us. We have ten minutes to spare now. Next time, don’t complain so much.” Jaeyun said, scanning Seungheon's outfit. Only when he saw the lines of Seungheon's binder, something clicked inside him.
“Fuck- shit. I- fuck I’m so sorry… uhm, yes uhm.” Jaeyun couldn’t form words anymore, feeling so bad for not realizing what was going on. He was too much in his head, too focused on the stage that was coming up. “Uhm. Yungyu, Seongheon. Exchange your shirts. Now.” There was no further talking. The group had already known what was going on, Minho had tried to talk to Jaeyun four times before he had given up too.
Kyungmin immediately stood before Seungheon, shielding him from the stares of other idols. Minho and Haemin stood on the other two sides, backs turned to Seungheon so nobody was looking at him. A human fitting room. They had done it a lot more times like this, always in the same composition. Minho on the left, Haemin on the right, Kyungmin in the front. If needed, when there was no wall to be the fourth wall, Yoongsung would pick up that role. They worked together, in order for Seungheon to be comfortable.
The forgetfulness of Jaeyun didn’t always happen during stages or filming days. Sometimes, when they were in the comfort of their own dorm, Jaeyun would forget too. Like when Seungheon would walk around in a big shirt, his chest more visible than other times. Those times didn’t necessarily mean that Seungheon was comfortable in his own skin, or that he was even feeling somewhat comfortable. Most of those times meant that Minho had come up to Seungheon and had told him to take off his binder. Minho, the one who would always come up to Seungheon to remind him.
Sometimes, the situation that would play out in front of Jaeyun's eyes would scare him a lot more. Like the third time Jaeyun had forgotten.
It was late at night, like close to midnight. Their whole group had a day off and most of them were already asleep. Taking in those precious nights where they could get more than six hours of sleep, where they could sleep on reasonable times. Seungheon was still awake, pants on the ground, one leg propped up on the couch. A light-blue transparent syringe in his right hand, filled with a liquid that could be either water or testosterone. Seungheon had filled it with the latter. His left hand was massaging his right tight, warming the muscles up before jabbing the needle in his thigh.
Jaeyun, who was also still awake, had just come through the front door. Coming back from his late night walk, something that he did most of the time on his days off. He pushed his headphones from his head, resting them around his neck. The sight that he was met with, Seungheon on that couch, with that syringe in his hand, frightened him. “Seungheon! Put that down now!” He yelled at the youngest.
He ran over to Seungheon and grabbed the syringe, right before Seungheon could jab it into his thigh. Seungheon was startled, not only because of the scream, but also because of the way Jaeyun looked. Fright painted his face. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?! You can’t just go and inject stupid stuff in your body! Do you know how dangerous that is?!” Jaeyun continued yelling at Seungheon. Seungheon stayed silent, too shocked to be able to say anything.
Jaeyun’s screaming woke up both Kyungmin and Yoonsung. They had emerged from their room, both still sleepy. “What is going on here…?” Yoonsung asked as he put on his glasses. “Seungheon was about to inject this in his body.” Jaeyun said, showing the clear liquid in the syringe to the other two. “Yea…? and?” Kyungmin asked Jaeyun. “And? And?! What and?! Why are you so freaking calm about this?!” Jaeyun now yelled at the other two, ignoring Seungheon who tried to speak up.
“Because it’s… testo-day? Is it on the shared calendar? And Minho even wrote it down on the fridge to remind Seungheon… I thought it was clear?” Yoonsung said in the calmest tone he was able to put on. Jaeyun looked over at the fridge, where the words Hey Heonnie! Don’t forget to inject your testosterone today! Love you! were written in big, bold, red letters.
"Oh... oh, shit yes.” Jaeyun stuttered. “I even told you earlier today that I had to do that, that's why I told you I would be sore tomorrow. Did you even listen to me?” Seungheon said as he stood up. He was hurt. Not because Jaeyun had forgotten, no that was honestly kind of a compliment to him and the transformation he had gone through. No, it was not that. But the fact that Jaeyun had indeed not been listening to him, that he couldn't care enough to understand Seungeon's worries, that did hurt Seungheon. “I did… I just, I think I just forgot… again… I’m sorry Heonnie…” Jaeyun mumbled, feeling very bad about himself. “It’s fine, if you can just give me the syringe now. I want to go to bed.” Seungheon said as he grabbed the syringe from Jaeyun's hand. After that he walked to his bedroom, without saying another word.
“I think you really hurt him this time, hyung.” Yoongsung said, patting Jaeyun on the shoulder.
Now, it should be clear that Jaeyun did not always forget. It was more often than not that Seungheon could rely on his leader. That Jaeyun would make sure that nobody was going behind that curtain, that he was the one fighting the stylist in order for Seungheon to get a different piece of clothing. Jaeyun was even the one who would go out and get Seungheon’s testosterone shots, as Seungheon still wasn’t old enough to get them himself. Jaeyun was the one helping Seungheon wherever and whenever the youngest needed him. Like that one time, during their electric heart comeback stage. Wardrobe malfunctions and a lot of stress later, Seungheon realized that he absolutely could trust his leader.
Jaeyun had been the first one to act when Seungheon’s shirt ripped apart. Pure fright was noticeable on Seungheon’s face, as the shirt draped around his shoulders. Luckily it ripped from the back, and so the fans weren’t able to see anything… yet. Because soon they had to turn around, the choreo making them do a big twirl. The shirt would fly, and would be taken by the air. Seungheon’s binder would be shown to the public. Something the youngest of the eight was not ready for, something that he wanted to hide for at least a bit longer.
Jaeyun immediately pushed off his microphone, so nobody in the crowd would be able to hear him talk to Seungheon. The choreography was ignored, the sound of the crowd was pushed to the back of his mind. The screaming girls, the fanboys out there, they were not a priority right now. Seungheon, his maknae was the absolute priority.
Seungheon was frozen on stage. His arms clutched around his chest, holding the shirt up in front of him. He didn’t understand how it could have happened. The shirt was new, made out of strong material, or at least it had looked like that. Pure fright was running through his brain.But as soon as the warm hands of Jaeyun wrapped around him, he got a bit of sensation back.
The mic was ripped off his head. "Okay, calm Seungheon. I got you. We’re going off stage. I’m leading you, you don’t have to turn around.” Jaeyun spoke calmly to Seungheon.
Step by step they made it off stage. The other six members continued like nothing was going on. It was the way Seungheon liked it, the way he had instructed his members to do for when something like this would happen. Seungheon was sure that he would be able to handle it all by himself… but now he knew that he wasn’t. And for the first time, he was so glad that Jaeyun hadn’t forgotten about the fact that he is transgender.
Is. Because it is something that will always stay with him.