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Cassie had a terrible day yesterday, you knew how tired and irritated she was, so you invited her to sleep at your place since you could help her a bit, like with dinner and even taking care of Harrison. She accepted, still unsure after a while, but you managed to convince her after some time.
You built a pillow fort for Harrison on the living room floor, Cassie was still sleeping on your couch, you had spent almost the entire night watching movies that Harry picked and that he occasionally asked questions to make sure you two were paying attention, his mother responded with murmurs, more asleep than awake, but you tried your best to pay attention, even tho you were very tired.
You smile at them and feel extremely comforted and at peace after a long time without it when you wake up and remembers who is with you. You get up slowly, putting Cassie's foot carefully on the couch, and move to your bedroom as you yawn, you didn’t have a really good night on that couch, but you feel alright, at least for now, you will probably have some back and neck pain later.
You pick another blanket and get back to the living room, putting it over Harrison and then slowly over Cassie so she doesn't wake up to cuss at you. She barely stirs as you tuck the blankets around her. In sleep, she looks so much younger, the harsh edges of her usual sharp gaze and tight jaw gone, relaxed and almost soft. Her now dark hair has come out of its braid in messy tangles around her face and her mouth is slightly parted, her breathing deep and even. As she shifts slightly toward you, you notice the shadows under her eyes, a clear sign of her lately exhaustion at everything.
You know it has been difficult lately, the weight of work, the need to increase the number of shifts worked to pay for a lawyer since she was in a legal battle again for custody of her son, trying to keep everything as it was and staying well or at least trying to appear well for her son. She also tried to appear fine for you, trying to lie about how she felt and how she was, but you already knew enough to read between her lines.
It doesn't take long for them to finish the breakfast you prepared, they had woken up late, even you did if you compare to your usual wake-up time, so the schedule was a bit tight for Harrison to go to school.
“Are you ready, Harrison?” Cassie asks, taking a sip of her coffee.
Harrison nods through a mouthful of cereal. "Mhm!"
Cassie glances at the clock and quickly drains the last of her coffee. "Yeah, we should get moving." She nudges Harrison's shoulder lightly. "Finish up, kiddo."
There's no real urgency in her tone, you notice how she's still tired, but she's clearly determined to push through it.
"I need to put gas in my car." You say as you keep your eyes stern at her, neutral. "I can take him if you want."
You suggest, but just because you are going to do something else, well, something else that you just invented, but it is because she would cut you off again if you just suggested taking him.
Cassie bristles a little at the suggestion, instinctively defensive, as usual, but she also looks a bit weary, the strain of her tiredness clearly taking its toll. A part of her longs to just let someone else take the reins and duties for once.
She hesitates for a second, then sighs and nods. "Fine. Take him. It` be helpful."
She doesn't like admitting it, but she knows she needs the rest. Harrison nods enthusiastically, his mouth still full of cereal. He grins at you, clearly thrilled at the prospect of spending more time with you.
“Is that fine with you, little man?”
"Yeah!"
Cassie watches the exchange with an unreadable expression before glancing at the clock again.
"Alright, kiddo. Go brush your teeth." She orders gruffly, ruffling his hair as he dashes off toward the bathroom.
Then she turns to you, hesitating for a brief moment before adding. "Thanks."
"No problem." You give her a small smile as you go put the plates on the sink. "I will catch him some clothes in the living room cabinet."
You say with your hands in the sink, you may have gotten over yourself, maybe a little too enthusiastic when you started going out more frequently with Cassie and when you knew he would come to your house.
So you kind of ended up buying him some clothes to keep in your house, just in case…
Cassie raises an eyebrow at the mention of the clothes, clearly caught off guard by the fact that you’ve prepared a wardrobe for her son in your apartment.
"You bought him clothes?"
There's a mix of amusement and something else in her tone, something softer, almost touched. She didn’t expect this level of thoughtfulness and she definitely didn’t expect it to feel this… well, nice.
Harrison, meanwhile, emerges from the bathroom with toothpaste smeared around his mouth, completely oblivious to the emotional weight of this moment.
"Did you pick cool clothes?" He asks eagerly, probably heard you talking with his mom from the bathroom.
"Ahn, yes." You say as you start to answer something else to Cassie, but you move your face to him when he gets there and stops the words you would say. "Well, it's not that great, but it's better than to use your yesterday's clothes again today to go to school today, right?"
You pat his shoulder for him to follow you to the living room.
You open a cabinet under the TV, picking a shirt with a Minecraft stamp, blue navy sweatpants and a pair of socks of dinosaurs. Harrison’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas morning, he snatches the Minecraft shirt immediately, holding it up against himself with an excited grin.
"This is awesome!"
Cassie watches from the doorway, arms crossed, but there’s no irritation in her expression this time, just something quietly fond. She glances at you, shaking her head slightly.
"You spoil him." but her words lack bite, almost like she doesn’t actually mind and she doesn`t.
You glance at her, still crouched down as you hold the rest of the clothes in front of him, you give her a little upward smile as you talk to him. "I'm glad you liked it… Go take a shower then so you can wear it, you have toothpaste in your mouth, little man."
Harrison bolts toward the bathroom with his new clothes clutched to his chest, only to stop a few steps back mid-way, turning back with sudden concern.
"Wait, mom, you did pack my backpack, right?"
Cassie sighs, rubbing her forehead. "Yes, Harrison."
He beams and dashes off again, leaving you and Cassie alone in the living room. The silence stretches, heavy with unspoken words, but she doesn’t move to leave.
Maybe, just maybe, she’s starting to trust a little more whatever this is.
The drive to his school is fairly quiet and relaxed. Harrison keeps glancing out the window, still admiring his new shirt, a small smile on his face. The radio plays softly in the background, a song you vaguely recognize but can't place.
He occasionally glances your way, clearly curious, he's been itching to ask you something since earlier in the house, but he didn't want to in front of his mom.
"You alright, little man?" You ask as you glance at him one time and he is looking at you in an interesting way.
Harrison blinks, snapped out of his thoughts. He glances back at you, trying to play it cool, but his curiosity is still written all over his face.
"Uhhh... can I ask you something?" He asks tentatively, still fiddling with his new shirt.
"Sure." You smile as you move your eyes back to the road, focused on his words but also on driving.
Harrison fidgets with the fabric once more, shifting in his seat. He's clearly nervous, almost anxious, about what he's about to say, but he gathers his courage and finally speaks up. "Can I ask-"
He starts hesitantly, looking over at you with a glimmer of trepidation in his eyes, almost as if he's scared of your answer.
"There's no need to worry, Harry, I won't bite or make fun of you." You say kindly as you smile slightly and glance again at him, reassuring him so he doesn’t feel hesitant anymore.
Harrison manages a small smile at that, his shoulders relaxing just a bit. He takes a deep breath, then finally blurts out the words that have been on his mind.
"Are... are you and my mom..." He hesitates, struggling with the right phrasing. He's young, but he's already too perceptive for his own good, probably because of everything his family has already been through.
He chews his bottom lip as he glances nervously at you again, silently begging for your response, for your understanding, even if he didn't finish his words.
"Oh." You swallow dry. "Well, I love-" You say so automatically that you don't even notice.
You clean your throat before continuing.
"I like your mom very, very much." You answered him in a light tone. "I think maybe she likes me too, huh? What do you think?"
Harrison’s eyes widen slightly at your near-slip, your almost-confession, but then he grins, clearly delighted by the idea.
"Yeah! She definitely likes you." He declares confidently, kicking his feet slightly. "She acts all grumpy when you're around, but she smiles more too!"
He's so happy to finally talk about this, to acknowledge the obvious. And now that he's gotten confirmation from you, he looks absolutely thrilled. You chuckle at his answer about her being all grumpy but smiling.
"Oh, that's good then." You say between chuckles.
Harrison giggles along with you, swinging his feet happily under the car seat. He watches the passing scenery for a moment before glancing back at you, his expression suddenly turning serious again.
"Does that mean you’re gonna stay?" His voice is quieter now, timorous again, like he’s scared of the answer one more time. He wants this, wants you around, he wants to keep seeing the way his mom gets better with you around, but he’s learned not to get his hopes up too easily…
You take some seconds to fully let the words sink in your mind, it’s like a topic too big, difficult and at the same time so simple.
"What do you mean, Harry?"
Harrison fidgets in his seat, playing idly with the seat belt still buckled over his chest. He seems almost embarrassed about bringing it up, but he presses on anyway, clearly desperate for reassurance.
"You're not gonna leave, right?" His voice is small, it's clear how much the thought worries him. In that moment, he looks younger than his age, more vulnerable and uncertain. He looks to you for an answer, eyes filled with hope and you notice it so much that it makes your heart ache.
"Don't worry, Harrison." You say as you stop at a red light and move one hand to press his shoulder slightly. "I like you two very much. I don't plan on leaving."
You move your hand out and go back to driving. Relief floods Harrison's face at your words, erasing his worries in an instant. He grins widely, all anxieties lifted from his shoulders in seconds, it was that easy.
In that moment, he looks like any other carefree little kid, no longer weighed down by worry and uncertainty around his family or love.
"Good!" He exclaims, his mood completely changed. He happily glances out the window, his legs kicking slightly, as he watches the city whiz by.
You feel almost lighter, but it's still complicated, you know it's not that easy. You know you all have a long way to go yet.
You left him at school after more than five minutes of driving and then you got back to your house. When you pull back into your driveway, the house feels strangely quiet without Harrison’s cheerful chatter filling the space. The weight of your conversation with him and everything left unsaid between you and Cassie hangs in the air as you step inside.
Cassie is still there, sitting on the couch now. She looks up as you enter, her expression unreadable, but her eyes sharp and assessing.
"Harrison got to school alright?" She asks, her tone deliberately casual as if she’s trying to avoid addressing the elephant in the room.
"Oh yeah." You mutter as you drop your keys and take off your jacket, your eyes leaving her face.
It's still on your mind, everything, how heavy things are and how much you want to just make her let you carry some of the weight, but you don't say a thing.
You remember the way she dismissed you yesterday.
How Cassie paused at the contact of your touch that sent a spark down her spine. For a brief moment, her expression faltered, a split-second where her usual mask of indifference slipped, letting you glimpse something raw and vulnerable underneath.
She hesitated, caught off guard by your kindness and concern.
But then she shook her head, regaining her composure with a stubborn glint in her eyes.
"I said I'm fine. I don't need you fussing over me, okay? I'm not made of glass."
You clean your throat as you try to clean your mind with the sound and physical gesture.
"All fine, I gave him 5 bucks for lunch."
Cassie nods, her expression still neutral, though her eyes darken noticeably at the mention of you giving him money.
"Thanks." She murmurs after some moments, her tone brusque. There's a short pause, more time. "You could’ve told me you were doing that, you know..."
She crosses her arms, eyeing you almost irritably.
You move your eyes to her as you lay one side of your body against the wall, looking at her in confusion. "Doing what?"
Cassie rolls her eyes at that, as if the answer should be obvious.
"Giving Harrison money for lunch." She says firmly, her tone stern. She clearly doesn't think you were right in giving him money without asking her first.
"Ah." You mutter and nod your head slightly, crossing your arms. "Well, I'm sorry, I noticed in the middle of the way that we didn't pack lunch for him, so I thought I should give him something."
Cassie sighs and massages her forehead, as if you're giving her a headache, making the migraine from the problems from yesterday come back. She's still sitting on the couch, arms firmly crossed.
"You should've told me. You know I don't like it when people throw money at my son without checking with me first."
The way she talks bothers you a lot, not in a way that makes you angry, but in a way that gives you immense pain in your chest. You were about to speak, to respond anything, to say that you are not just anyone, that she shouldn’t include you in ‘random people’, but she glances up at you, her gaze hard and unyielding.
"He's my kid, not yours."
You look at her flabbergasted, your mouth slightly open, your eyebrows going a little up and you feel a bitter taste in your mouth.
"Wow. Ok." You say, clearly stunned at her words, your gaze drifts to the floor and you take a deep breath before going to the kitchen without saying anything else.
You need a second alone after that.
You are doing your best, trying to be good for him and for her.
It's clearly not enough, not right now.
Cassie realizes immediately that she went too far, her sharp words leaving a bitter silence in their way to you. The moment you turn away, her expression falters, regret flashing in her eyes. She didn’t mean it like that, not really, but she reacted on instinct, defensive and territorial over Harrison.
She watches you walk to the kitchen, hesitating for a brief second before standing up and following you. She calls your name, her voice is softer now, edged with remorse, you can clearly feel.
It doesn’t make it any less hard, any less painful.
She hovers awkwardly near the doorway, unsure how to fix this. You keep yourself busy, trying to not to think too much about what just happened and how you feel towards your relationship and everything.
God, you just talked to her son about how much you like her and him, and you came back and it's this that happens. You feel so bad.
When she gets to the kitchen doorway, you take one hand off your eyes, going back to move the dishes, anything to not keep yourself standing still.
"I know I'm not his parents, Cassie, I know I'm not you or Chad." You say, a bit too low for your usual tone, clearly hurt in your voice, something that stings in both of your chests.
Cassie's shoulders stiffen at the edge in your voice, guilt clawing its way up her chest. Her eyes trail over your shoulders, guilt and remorse etched into every line of her face, she hates that she made you look like this.
"You say like it's so easy to date someone with a kid.”
She opens her mouth slightly and moves her head, taking a deep breath that you can hear, which makes you realize you also spoke something heavy and harsh at that moment.
"Ok." Cassie says as if your words to her were fair, considering what she said to you, this didn't improve the situation and how she felt hearing them, as it was already a topic long before you defined a relationship, but she also seemed to understand where you were coming from.
You know it's not easy, you knew it wasn't since you started seeing each other and you asked your friends for advice, you always remember the way everyone said how complicated it was to take care of a child that wasn't yours, even if you weren’t the primary caregiver.
But it wasn't something you did out of obligation, you liked Harrison, you adored the boy and to spend quality time with Cassie and him.
And you knew he adored you back, that was the best part. That was the part you focused on when you thought about how complicated it was to keep things going.
“I’m sorry.”
"Look, I… I'm sorry."
You both talk at the same time.
She takes a tentative step toward you, but stops a little, her voice is uncharacteristically soft and uncertain. “That came out wrong-"
You keep quiet, stopping your hands, staying still as you stare at the sink, taking a deep breath as you listen to her.
Cassie pauses, watching your stillness with a flicker of helplessness. She can see the tension in your shoulders, the way you won't look at her. It only makes her feel worse, the whole thing. She takes another slow step closer to you, her eyes flicking nervously over your frame, trying to gauge your feelings and reactions.
"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just-" She swallows, suddenly unsure of what to say. All that is usually so easy for her is suddenly so damn hard.
You turn to look at her, one hand against the table at the kitchen side.
"I'm also very sorry, Cass. I am not- I really enjoy being with you two, I'm glad you are his mom and that I can spend time with you even when you are with him, I'm trying my best, really." You admit, your voice is a bit rough, like you are trying to hold some stronger emotion. "I'm learning how to be good with kids, I want to, I felt like it was important, when we first started going out because Harrison is part of your life and I didn't want to mess up with such an important part of you."
You swallow dry, your - now reddish - eyes drifting to the side.
Cassie exhales sharply, almost like she's been punched in the gut. Hearing you say it like that, so raw and honest, breaks through her defenses completely.
She looks at you seeing the hurt in your eyes, the way your hands shake slightly at your sides.
Something inside her cracks.
“I know.” She crosses the last bit of distance between you, reaching out hesitantly, as if she's unsure if she's allowed to do that now, before placing a tentative hand on your arm.
You don't move out of her touch, in fact, it only makes you slow down your breath.
She takes a deep breath, forcing herself to say the words, to open up.
"You're already good with him. Too good, honestly." Her voice is rough, but sincere, you can feel it. "I'm just… bad at this."
To let someone in. To trust someone else with Harrison. To learn to put her walls down and accept help that way.
"I know he is the most important thing in the world to you." You look at her. "And really, I can back off if it will be something that makes you feel safer, but I- I really like him and I really like you."
Cassie's grip on your arm tightens automatically, as if she doesn't want you to pull away, as if she can't stand the thought of you giving up so easily, giving her an out like that.
"That's not what I want, my love." She murmurs, her voice hoarse. She takes a half-step closer, her voice a bit more urgent now. "I don't want you to back off. I don't want you leaving or anything like that.”
She sighs, you can see the inner conflict in her mind.
“I'm just… I'm scared, alright? Jesus, I'm scared." She moves one hand to her face, you hear how her voice suddenly gets a bit shaky.
"It's okay, I understand." You mumble and move one arm to hold her hand as she tries to practically cover her face. "I think it's nice how protective and careful you are with him, choosing when and if you are going to introduce someone and all these things…"
Cassie's expression softens a little as you reassure her, as you tell her you understand. She feels like she doesn't deserve this, this understanding and patience. Not after the things she said and how it has been, she feels like it's too much, but hearing you say that, knowing that you are so careful and patient, so lovely with her and her struggles, eases some of the anxiety clawing at her chest.
"I'm sorry I snapped.” She takes a deep breath before speaking again, words quiet and filled with guilt. “That was shitty."
You nod at her with a small smile moving your hands to her back and bringing her closer for a hug. “I'm sorry too.”
Cassie relaxes immediately as you wrap her into the hug, her head dropping automatically to rest on your shoulder. She buries her face in the crook of your neck and sighs, her shoulders slumping. She feels weary and vulnerable, but also strangely safe, she grips the back of your shirt tightly, as if needing something to ground herself and keep her here in this moment, to keep her around and with you.
Like you aren't so willing to stay at her side besides everything.
And the two of you just stay like that, wrapped around each other in silent apologies and quiet sobs.