Chapter Text
‘Grim, don’t you dare!’
‘Myah let go of me! The Great Grim does not deserve to be in detention! He has better things to do!’
‘Shut-it you Tanuki, we’re gonna be late.’
Reaching up, Yuu grabbed something from the top closet shelf.
‘NOOOOOOOOOOOO I DON’T WANNA BE ON A LEASH’
‘Well if you hadn’t just tried to escape maybe you could’ve gone without, but it’s too late now.’
After a few moments, Yuu managed to wrestle the squirming dire-beast into the fish-shaped backpack. The backpack had 2 clasps in the front, which required more dexterity to open than Grim’s paws were capable of, and a leash in the back which Yuu took hold of. Dragging along a whining Grim, they headed up to the main castle where they’d be serving their detention.
‘HAHA GRIM AND YUU ARE BOTH ROTTEN EGGS.’
‘Stop acting like a six-year-old.’
‘sToP ACtInG LiKe A sIX YeAR oLd’
‘Hello Grim!! Hello Yuu!!’ Ortho bobbed up and down as he greeted the newcomers.
‘Ahh yes prefect we were just waiting for you.’
‘Sorry we’re late Headmage.’
‘No, no, not a problem, not a problem. Just see that you don’t get in the habit of doing so. My time is veeeeery valuable you see. Now, I believe everyone is here? The Ramshackle duo, Young Shroud, and Misters Trappola, Spade, Howl, Felmier, and Zigvolt. Excellent! I’m sure you are all aware of why you are serving detention today. Do you need a reminder, or shall we move forward with your assignment?’
A chorus of ‘No, Sir!’ resounded around the room. They were all thinking of the scolding they’d received from Crewel the day before.
‘As you wish. Your task, then, is to scrub and polish the floors of all the hallways in the castle.’
Silence. Broken by—‘YER KIDDIN’!’
‘No, Mr. Felmier I am not. Perhaps you think this is not equivalent to the amount of damage you caused yesterday? I am ever so glad to see you express so much remorse for your transgressions. As such, I would be happy to include the floors of all the classrooms and buildings on campus in your package! Would you like to accept this offer?’
‘NONONOSIRTHEHALLWAYSWILLBEJUSTFINESIRWE’LLCLEANTHEHALLWAYSHEADMAGE’
‘Marvelous! There is a storage closet next to the kitchens where you will find all the supplies you need. If you are unable to complete this task today, you may continue your work tomorrow. You are dismissed.’
‘I PROTES—’ The sounds of the dire-beast’s yowling were muffled behind Yuu’s hand as they hurriedly ushered Grim out of Crowley’s office before the latter could change his mind.
Once out in the hallway, the freshmen gathered by a window to discuss.
‘Can you believe what that fucking crow is making us do????!!?’
‘SHHHHHHHH Ace not so loud or he’ll hear us!!’
‘It’s not like we have any other options. If you go back in there and complain he’ll just give us even more work. I say we get started now so we won’t have to do this again tomorrow.’
‘I, for once, am in agreement with the human even though I should not be here. A retainer of the great Lord Malleus in detention? I AM A DISGRACE! HOW CAN I SHOW MY FACE TO WAKA-SAMA AGAIN?!!?’
‘Pipe down, will you?? You say that as if Malleus hasn’t ever been in detention himself.’
‘HOW DARE YOU INSULT LORD MALLEUS IN FRONT OF ME. YOU, A MERE HUMAN, WILL NEVER IN YOUR LIFETIME BE EVEN A TENTH OF THE MAN THAT—’
‘What is the meaning of all this idling? Are you in need of further instructions?...’
They were out of sight before Crowley could finish.
The freshmen stared at the open storage closet, dumbstruck. Apart from the very small pile of cleaning supplies in the corner, it was nearly empty.
‘He expects us to clean the whole castle with this????’
Stepping into the closet, Ace picked up a very tattered looking mop. ‘I mean look at this shit. This is all junk’.
‘Mystery Shop’s Miraculous Cleaning Solution.’ Epel read aloud. ‘Deep cleans for a pristine sheen! For use on all surfaces. Dangnabbit. Ah was hopin’ we’d get some sorta cleanin’ potion.’
‘Hey, at least this is name-brand stuff! Mystery Shop products are good; I had to use a lot of them when I was cleaning Ramshackle.’
‘Yeah, but that means we gotta do everything without magic. UGH I’m ‘boutta throw m’self out the window.’
‘No you won’t. This is our punishment, we deserved it, and I’ll make sure you do the same amount of work as all the rest of us. Besides, maybe if you’d studied ahead for next week’s lesson you would have learned some cleaning spells we could use.’
‘Did you read ahead?’
Jack flushed and said nothing.
‘Hey Ortho, I’ve got an idea! Don’t you have some sort of laser you can use to clean everything for us?’
The humanoid shook his head.
‘Aww come-on Ortho, I know you do—you have features for literally everything. Do this for us and we can get out of here!’
‘I can’t. This is my first detention ever and I wanted to do it properly, so I asked Idia to disable all my special functions for today!’
Seven jaws dropped in unison.
‘Don’t worry everyone, we’re going to have so much fun!’
‘How can you be so cheerful about this.’
‘Next time I see Idia, I’m gonna ask him to program some laziness and pessimism into you.’
‘Uhhh guys, we have a problem.’
They had emptied the closet and carried everything into the hallway. Yuu was holding the bottle of Mystery Shop Cleaning Solution and analyzing the pile in front of them. ‘We have mops, sponges, rags… everything except a bucket to mix this in.’
‘Oh! Don’t worry Yuu—I’ve got it!’ Before anyone could say anything, Deuce had raised his magical pen and shouted, ‘I summon thee, cauldron!’
CLANG!
‘AARGHHHGH!!!!’
‘Shit shit shit oh fuck I’m sorry I’m so sorry are you okay let me get that off you are you hurt anywhere oh Sevens my bad my bad yikes that doesn’t look—’
‘DEUCE WILL YOU SHUT UP. Just use your head next time, and maybe have at least some awareness of your surroundings????’
Ace groaned from where he lay, sprawled face-down on the stone floor. ‘Not to mention, Yuu asked for a bucket, not some fuck-ass pewter cauldron. It already weighs like five tonnes, and once we fill it with water it’ll be even heavier. Who’s gonna lug that thing around the whole castle?? You idiot.’
‘C’mon Ace, he was just trying to help.’
‘Well, he tried and he failed. Get rid of it.’
‘But—but I don’t know how to vanish things yet.’
Ace lifted his head to reveal a look of utmost incredulity on his face.
‘I shall vanish this cauldron! My magic is far superior to you humans’, and I have been under the tutelage of none other than Lilia Vanrouge for many a moon—’
‘Hurry upppppp.’
Green sparks enveloped the cauldron and then dissipated to reveal…a tiny cauldron no bigger than a bowl.
Turning away from the squabbling pile of arms and legs, from which was visible tufts of green, red, blue, and purple hair, Jack looked at Yuu and sighed. ‘We haven’t even started yet’.
‘Yup. At this rate we’re not finishing until graduation.’
‘Currently, my calculations estimate that we will finish in 394.72 hours, or approximately 16 days!’
‘Good grief.’ Yuu leaned over and picked up the cauldron. ‘It’s cute though, kinda like a helmet. Hey Grim, come here.’
On Yuu’s Magicam feed, one may find a picture of a very disgruntled looking Grim, with blue backpack straps criss-crossing his chest and a small, overturned cauldron atop his head.
Having procured some buckets from the kitchen ghosts, work was finally underway. They were progressing faster than Ortho had predicted; the Mystery Shop solution worked well enough to only require one pass over each section, and 8 pairs of hands (or paws) could cover plenty of ground if they were all actively at work.
They had resigned themselves to not using magic, but it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. Earlier, Epel and Deuce had attempted to enchant the mops for “maximum speed”, citing the desire to be “fast as fuck, boiiii”. The scene that ensued went as follows:
‘You guys have barely mastered levitation spells, what makes you think you can do something as complex as this?’
‘Hush, Jack you’re just jealous.’
‘Jealous of what exactly??????’
‘My dick.’
‘Statistically, Epel, given your height difference of 0.36 meters, there is a 99.41% chance that is factually incorrect. Based on your stature I would estimate that your penile length is approximately—’
‘ORTHO!!!!! SHUT YER TRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
Epel’s objection was established to be redundant, however, because at this moment a blue-haired blur collided with the other blue-haired individual, and the remainder of Ortho’s sentence was rendered unintelligible by the accompanying crash.
Epel and Jack watched as the mop on which Deuce had been riding did a series of pirouettes, completed a figure-eight up the wall, and then promptly bee-lined toward the stairs at the end of the hall and out of sight.
‘Deuce...’
‘I don’t wanna hear it.’
At last, they had completed the lower floors. Those had been the grimiest, being made of stone that seemed to attract every particle of dirt into the deepest crevices. The upper floors were composed of smooth tile and, comparatively, were a piece of cake.
Jack, Sebek, and Yuu were just returning from refilling the buckets, which were now topped with thick layers of dense white foam. Grim, upon dipping his sponge into one of the buckets, lost his balance and almost fell in.
‘MYAHH!!! BLEH! ACK!’ Grim sputtered, suds emerging from his mouth.
‘Aww Grim you look like Santa Claus!’
‘I don’t know who this Santa is, but he must be handsome just like me! Mya-ha-ha!’
‘Yo Grim, what’s with the beard?’
‘It’s my new style. Yuu said I look like some guy called Santa. Ya like it?’
‘No, it looks stupid on you.’
‘MYAHHH I’LL GET YOU!!’
Yuu grabbed Grim’s leash just in time. ‘Ace, don’t antagonize him.’
‘I think facial hair is cool, but whenever I tell Vil I want a beard, he tells me they’re unhygienic and will give me acne.’ Epel sighed, ‘Not that I have anything to shave to begin with.’
‘I shave everyday.’
‘NOBODY ASKED YOU JACK. Anyways, when I’m buff, I want a beard like this.’ Epel reached into the bucket and began arranging swirls of white over the lower half of his face.
In the meantime, Yuu had begun the same process on their head.
‘What are you guys doing over there?’
‘Look, I’m Mozart!’
‘Who the fuck is Mozart.’
‘MMMM I LOVE MOZZARELLA! GIVE ME SOME!’
‘Not everything is about food Grim.’
‘Epel, you look absurd. That beard is far too large for your face; it clashes with your small features.’
‘DON’T CALL ME SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
Sebek opened his mouth to retaliate, only to find it filled with soap. He made eye contact with a now beardless Epel.
‘Y~hugrOU—’
Coughing, Sebek moved toward the buckets.
‘SOAP FIGHT!!!!!’ yelled Yuu.
Suds. On every surface.
At some point, somebody tripped and knocked over the soap solution. The liquid spread rapidly, covering the entire hallway. Jack lost his balance on the now very wet and friction-less tiles, and he went spinning.
It was at this moment that Yuu had a revelation. ‘Guys, we’ve created a Slip ‘N Slide.’
‘A what?’
‘Watch me.’ Yuu carefully made their way to the end of the hall and, making sure their shirt was tucked in, proceeded to launch themself across the floor.
Any wise person would have known to dole out individual detentions to this crew. Unfortunately, Crowley, blinded by the prospect of free labour, did not possess this foresight.
If they were wet before, it was nothing compared to now. Everyone—including Ortho whose gear was mercifully waterproof—was completely drenched from head to toe, not to mention covered in soap bubbles.
‘Guys we have to do a race between all eight of us!!’
‘Yes! And let’s go all-in; no rules and we can use magic!’
‘That’s not fair to Yuu.’
‘Don’t worry about me, I’m so down!’
‘Okay, okay, are we ready? On my go! 3…2…1…………’
‘Lightning, pierce the stormy skies!’
‘Wait—Sebek, it’s wet—’
‘GO!’
‘LIVING BOLT!’
Yuu had been having a very strange dream. They couldn’t remember anything except that it had ended with a very bright flash of light. As they stirred, they became aware that every bone and muscle in their body felt as if it had been run through a hydraulic press and then put back together with a million screws. And who were those voices? ‘Where…?’
Yuu opened their eyes, only to find themself nose to nose with a very familiar face. ‘AHGHHGHHH!!!!!’
‘Kee hee hee, my apologies Yuu, didn’t mean to startle you.’
‘Looks like everyone is awake now.’
Huh? Yuu looked around. They were in the hospital wing next to their fellow first years and surrounded by the Housewardens and Vice Housewardens of Heartslabyul, Savanaclaw, Pomefiore, and Diasomnia. ‘What…happened?’
‘Sebek tried to kill us, that’s what happened.’
‘Ace, now’s not the tim—’
‘WAHHHHHHHHHHH’
Yuu startled and looked around to find Sebek, sobbing into Malleus’s arms.
‘I’M GOING TO BE EXPELLED, WAKA-SAMA, I’M SO SORRY—*hic*— I HAVE BROUGHT SHAME UPON YOU, AND I SHOULD BE EXILED!’
Slowly, pieces began to materialize in Yuu’s memory. The detention, the soap fight, the Slip ‘N Slide, and…oh. Yuu had tried to warn Sebek.‘We were electrocuted.’
‘Yup. All because someone lacks braincel—’
‘Ace.’
‘But everyone’s okay though?’ Wait, there were only 7 occupied beds. ‘Where’s Ortho?’
‘Idia’s taking care of him.’ It was Vil who spoke. ‘Ortho will be okay—he was built to withstand much stronger shocks than this—but he still needs some repairs. There was some physical damage to his gear when all you spudlings collided into the wall, and Idia is doing a full inspection of his internal hardware as well.’
‘I see. And Grim?’ Yuu turned to look at the dire-beast lying in the bed beside them.
‘Oh, Grim is fine. He woke up about an hour ago, and then promptly fell back asleep.’
‘Thank you.’ Yuu reached over to pet the tuft of white fur on Grim’s chest.
They were back in Crowley’s office.
‘As I was saying, a rather unfortunate incident occurred last week. The location of the disturbance has since been cleaned, but at the great inconvenience of our staff. I have granted them a week-off as a reward. Ah, how magnanimous of a Headmage I am! However, this school will not clean itself! Therefore, I have devised a most agreeable solution: you eight will be undertaking the duties of our staff while they are on vacation!’