Chapter Text
Luffy didn't think coming to Dressrosa was necessary, in all honesty. If it were up to him they’d have gone straight from Punk Hazard to Wano to kick Kaidou’s ass for that SMILE factory, but when Doflamingo contacted them proposing an alliance Nami had insisted it would be smarter to at least consider it than blow him off and make an instant new enemy on the way.
Robin said that Doflamingo was one of Kaidou's subordinate crews, so maybe he could find a way to sneak the Strawhats into Wano to give Luffy the chance to fight Kaidou without having to go through an entire nation to get there. Zoro said that it might be a good place to drop off that awful clown they accidentally kidnapped, and Luffy figured that if three of his crew thought this stop was a good idea, he was outnumbered and should probably at least pretend to listen.
Of course when they got there, Doffy was some huge pompous ass that Luffy instantly wanted to punch. He held off for Nami’s sake, but boy, was this guy annoying.
Luffy zoned out for a while when he was talking about how important he was, eyes scanning the room for something interesting to land on. Doflamingo had lined up his Top Men to greet Luffy’s crew as a sign of respect, everyone from a snot man to a little girl to… Hm. Luffy wasn’t sure why, but his eye was drawn to the tall gloomy guy in the corner, looking like he’d rather eat his own foot than even be here listening to his own boss’s ego trip.
Luffy took a moment to sniff everyone in the room out, and the sad looking guy in the hat was probably an alpha, even if his scent was more muted than everyone else’s in the room. He wore a scent blocker but no collar like the girl in the maid’s uniform did, and the choice of wearing one over the other was a pretty standard indication of an alpha trying to suppress their rut. It was odd for a pirate to be worried about scent blockers or ruts though, so it made Luffy curious about what kind person he was.
Either way, his expression bordered on mutinous every time he glanced at Doffy. He looked like he was plotting his own captain’s murder, which Luffy could understand on one level being as his captain sucked, but on the other hand, if he hated his captain so much, why was he here serving under him and being introduced with all of Doflamingo’s favorite and most trusted men?
“Luffy!” Nami spat, elbowing him in the side. “Are you even trying to care about why we’re here?!”
”Not really,” Luffy shrugged.
Doflamingo’s eyebrow twitched. “Then allow me to cut to the chase,” he hissed. “This alliance. I can provide you with the means to get to Kaidou, discreetly and without incident. You give me back Caesar Clown, I get the Smile Fruits, and everyone wins!”
”I dunno,” Luffy frowned. “We went to a lot of trouble to beat up that clown. It sure would feel silly to just give him back to let him keep doing horrible things to little kids and prisoners.”
”Well, would you prefer to turn him into the marines, for them to do the same thing and use his work for themselves? Or is your plan to throw him in the ocean to drown?”
”I still vote we drown him,” Zoro said casually, picking at his ear with his pinky.
Hm. It was true that Luffy had no idea what to do with Ceasar, and Doffy DID actually want him, but… He really didn’t want anyone to make fake devil fruits period, no matter who they were…
“I’m thinking no, so far,” Luffy said honestly. “I don’t think giving you the evil science clown is a good idea. Did you want something else?”
A vein popped on Doffy’s forehead. “I’ve gone to a lot of trouble to offer this alliance, you know. If Kaidou thinks I’m plotting against him, you’re the one I’m holding responsible!”
”Okay,” Luffy said easily. “Was there something else you needed, or should we head out?” Maybe they could leave the clown in Wano after they cleaned it up of Kaidou’s influence…
Doflamingo calmed himself down, clearing his throat. “Very well. Perhaps I can convince you to form an alliance through more… Traditional means. A marriage pact, perhaps? I have a lovely omega in her prime who has yet to be mated. Baby Five is a talented fighter who’d fit well in your crew, if you wanted her for your first mate.”
“Zoro’s already married,” Luffy rejected, as Zoro held up his left hand to show off a shiny wedding ring that Sanji had taken four hours in three jewelry stores to pick out.
Another twitch of Doffy’s eyebrow. “Hen your navigator Nami, she’s an unmated omega. I could offer Buffalo for her, and I wouldn’t even ask to keep the pair for my own crew.”
Boooooy, this guy was getting desperate, huh? Well, like Nami always said, desperation made a man easy to take advantage of. “No way, Nami’s gay with a princess. But…” Luffy grinned, getting an idea. “I’m an unmated, omega, too, you know. What if I agreed to take out Kaidou for you like you want me to do, and in return, I get to keep that gloomy alpha wearing a hat instead!”
Everyone’s eyes turned to the alpha in the corner, who reeled back in surprise. “Do I know you?”
”Not yet! I’m Luffy, by the way. Who are you?”
”If you don’t know that much, why would you offer to mate me?! Are you insane?”
“Probably, yeah!” Luffy laughed.
“I’m sorry,” Doffy interrupted. “But if I’m not getting any SMILE out of it, asking for my precious doctor is a bit of a steep price, don’t you think?”
Ooh, a doctor? Nice. They had Chopper of course, but if they needed two of anything, doctors were probably it. “Well, I’m the Captain, and I deserve whatever I want.” Another twitch of Doffy’s eyebrow. “And I think your emo friend should come with us. So, I figure what I could do is either make an alliance with you and sneak into Wano, or I could give that clown a boat at the next island we stop and let him tell whoever he wants about you trying to betray your Emperor. That’s how negotiating works, right, Nami?”
”It sure is, Captain” Nami agreed, one perfectly plucked eyebrow raised almost to her hairline as she tried to puzzle out what Luffy wanted.
Luffy grinned back up at Doflamingo. “Right! Okay then, so, which do you pick?”
That vein popped back up on Doffy’s forehead. Luffy took that as a sign of Victory, and turned to give his new alpha a sunny grin.
Said alpha looked at Luffy as if he’d turned into a flying purple people eater on the spot. “What. What is happening to my life right now?”
The maid, Baby Five, turned to her crewmate with tears blossoming in her eyes.
“You’re getting married! I’m so happy someone picked you, I could kill myself from sheer jealousy!”
Hat Guy buried his face in his hands.
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