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He first met Kouhei at the beginning of his first year in high school. They ended up being in the same class, and he was somehow drawn to the boy who smiled at him warmly when their eyes met for the first time.
Yagi wasn’t really an outgoing person. He was quiet and because of his constantly frowned expression, many people mistook him for a delinquent. Only Kouhei wasn’t bothered by this and came up to talk with him.
He remembers that Kouhei’s voice was warm and his eyes were emerald green – they were bright and almost sparkled with excitement. That was the most vivid memory he had from that day.
Since then onwards, they got to know each other better. They spent almost all lunch breaks together and went shopping, and played after school. It was nice to be around Kouhei. His presence calmed him down, although his clumsiness made him worry at times. He was a typical airhead who was too optimistic about most of the things.
Yagi on the contrary, was a realist and he took whatever life threw his way. Till one day apparently, when he realised that maybe the feelings he felt towards Kouhei weren’t exactly the feelings of friendship.
Kouhei was telling him a story about his unfortunate encounter in the park while blushing slightly in embarrassment. At that very moment Yagi caught himself thinking that it would probably feel good to kiss Kouhei.
It took him aback at first, but later on he realised that there was no use in lying to himself – it wasn’t a phase or anything like that, he was simply infatuated with his friend; It was still too early to call it love at that point.
He was surprised himself that he took the news so calmly, not every day one discovers that A) – one is bisexual and B) – one have hots for his best friend.
But since that day nothing really changed in their relationship. He wasn’t dumb to go and confess when he wasn’t even sure whether he wanted to pursue this relationship. For the time being, he decided to wait and see how the situation unwinds.
After a year, when they started their second year, he came to the conclusion that, indeed, he was in love. He didn’t like troublesome situations, but, apparently, the life didn’t want to go easy on him.
“Kouhei, what sweets do you like?” he asked one day, when they were eating their lunch. He knew his friend had sweet tooth, considering he always had something sweet added to his bento.
“Where did this question came from?” Kouhei asked. He looked thoughtful for a second. “I like Crêpes,” he finally said with a dreamy smile on his face. “Oh, but I love all kinds of cakes and cupcakes too.”
He chuckled at that. “I should have expected such answer. You are quite spoiled,” he replied.
“Am not! I just like really like sweets. They never cease to make me happy.” There it was again – this particular smile of Kouhei that filled his stomach with butterflies. He was weak against it.
That wasn’t his plan from the beginning, but somewhere along the way he decided to try and bake something for Kouhei. He liked seeing him happy, so that seemed like a sure winner, but what he didn’t expect was that, baking was actually pretty hard.
His days were filled with failures and end products that weren’t really satisfying, but he didn’t give up. After honing his skills he finally did something he was pleased with and took it directly to Kouhei the next day. The blissful expression his friend made while eating his cake made him warm inside.
From this day onward he put his all into working hard on his baking skills and often brought treats for Kouhei to try. Funny enough, somewhere along the way he really took liking to baking and cooking in general. Seeing people’s happy expressions after eating his food left him satisfied and fulfilled.
Their days together went on being filled with laughter, long conversations and peaceful silence. Not even once he tried to confess during this time, he was too afraid to lose this bond with Kouhei. Apart from that, he had a suspicion that Kouhei was in love with his childhood friend – Tae. All the more reason to back off and let them settle in. Although he wasn’t sure Kouhei realised his feelings for her at the time.
Well, he didn’t want to get in their way but, despite everything, Yagi did once give Kouhei valentine chocolates. It was during their third year. Of course, the box wasn’t signed but, nevertheless, he left it in Kouhei’s locker and waited with his heart racing for Kouhei’s reaction. When his friend found the chocolates he was stunned that he actually received anything apart from his usual chocolates from classmates and Tae. He smiled warmly and hid the chocolates in this bag. Yagi saw him taking them out during their lunch break, and couldn’t help himself but ask Kouhei about them.
“So, you received chocolates. From who?”
Kouhei hummed thoughtfully. “I don’t know, they weren’t signed. It’s such a shame,” he added looking at the box like some kind of treasure. “It makes me really happy that someone took their time to prepare them especially for me, and I would like to return the favour.”
He nodded at that and smiled when Kouhei took another piece of chocolate in his mouth. The sight make him equally happy and sad, as he knew, just knew that their relationship will probably never go beyond friendship, but he could at least enjoy such small moments.
And then graduation came and Kouhei decided that he wanted to be a teacher, so he went on to study at the university. Meanwhile Yagi started studying in a nearby cook school while working part time at the restaurant. It was fun, and his days were filled with new experiences. He found out that he really liked what he did.
Everything was fine if not for the fact, that he had less time to meet with Kouhei as he was busy with his studies as well. But they called each other and made sure to meet at least once a week.
Yagi felt kind of lonely at times, but work kept him busy enough to not let him go into a slump.
Once, when they both passed their exams, they got so drunk he barely remembered anything. But he knew Kouhei was clinging to him as he recalled the heat radiating from his body – it was intoxicating. After that they woke up and ate breakfast with the biggest hangover he probably ever experienced.
He was fine with how things were going then, even though deep inside he sometimes felt this longing that tugged at his guts and made him yearn for Kouhei. He ignored those feelings and pushed them away – they were better off hidden in the dark.
The time Kouhei and Yagi spent together felt magical, almost as if nothing could separate them in this world. At least that’s how it felt to him, but then one day Kouhei told him that he probably was in love with Tae.
Of course, he saw it coming, but he still felt a pang in his heart at hearing that. He wasn’t blind, they took liking to each other almost from the very beginning but for a long time it didn’t seem as if Kouhei will be able take the first step.
He pushed his feelings aside and encouraged his friend to go ask her out – that’s what best friends do. Of course he had to tease him a little beforehand as every respectable friend would do.
Tae was a great person, she was kind and sweet, and honestly he couldn’t wish for a better person to be with Kouhei. After few dates they became a couple and he could see how they brimmed with happiness.
He was honestly happy for them. They were his best friends and they finally foung what they were looking for. Since Kouhei and Tae started dating, surprisingly, nothing much changed between the three of them. They stayed friends and met from time to time to spend time together. The only difference was that, three of them met together more often than not. Before Tae joined only from time to time as she attended different school. Now Kouhei was spending more alone time with her as well, what was only to be expected.
Yagi liked listening to Kouhei talking about Tae. At such times Kouhei’s eyes sparkled and he couldn’t contain his happiness. Tae looked the same, although she didn’t share as much as it made her too embarrassed at times, but her gentle smile told him everything.
Seeing two most important people in his life happy was enough for him.
And then, at some point Kouhei came up to him and showed him the engagement ring he bought. It was fascinating to see how much Kouhei changed over the years. Before he was even scared to ask Tae out and now he came up to Yagi confident in his decision. Of course he was a little bit nervous, as anyone would be in this situation, but he knew what he wanted to do.
Yagi patted him on the back, and helped him arrange the romantic dinner at Kouhei’s flat. He cooked all the food, and even brought the wine, while Kouhei was setting everything on the table.
The look of gratitude and the smile Kouhei gave him that day, was still burned deep in his memory.
He then left, and the next day his friends came to him to announce their engagement. By the time, he almost convinced himself that he didn’t love Kouhei anymore, at least not in a romantic way.
The days went by and before he knew it, Kouhei was standing before him asking him to be his best man at the wedding. He smiled and agreed without second thought – he had to be there for his friends.
The wedding was beautiful. Tae looked amazing in a white dress and she never looked happier. She kissed him on a cheek and sent to Kouhei claiming he will need support. She wasn’t wrong, Kouhei had troubles with tying his tie as his hands were shaking, and he run through and forth making sure the rings were still in place.
Really, he was so clumsy at times. But he was smiling the whole time like mad, so Yagi just rolled his eyes and then helped Kouhei put the tie on correctly. As a best man he took the rings, and held them securely till the last moments of the ceremony when he handed them to Kouhei and Tae respectively. They kissed after they took their oaths and since that day onward, they became a married couple.
He clapped with other when they stood before the church taking pictures. At some point Kouhei and Tae pulled him for shared picture – just the three of them, and later on they put this picture on display at their flat. They moved in together few weeks before the wedding. The flat wasn’t far from his, so he dropped by to visit from time to time – Tae scolded him if he didn’t appear often enough. They came to visit him as well. Kouhei was now a Math teacher, and Tae worked in the office. He settled down in a small restaurant near his place. The wage was good and people were pretty nice there.
Then one day during their meeting Tae felt faint, and when they took her to the doctor it turned out she was pregnant. Kouhei almost started jumping when he heard the news – he was overjoyed.
Since that day, he started dropping by their flat more often, bringing fresh ingredients and helping Tae with simple tasks in the mornings, as his schedule was more flexible than Kouhei’. It looked almost as if he was Tae’s second husband.
After nine months Tsumugi was borned. He didn’t really had experience with children, but he didn’t dislike them. Tsumugi was a cute girl that looked like Tae but for the eyes – those she got from Kouhei.
Just as he suspected, Kouhei turned out to be a great father who was hopelessly in love with his daughter, and spoiled her to no end. They lived a happy life together and were watching over Tsumugi who grew pretty fast and was becoming as lively as every child her age.
And then suddenly everything ended before he even knew what had happened. Tae fell sick and doctors couldn’t diagnose what was wrong with her. They tried different medication, but nothing worked. He took care of Tsumugi a lot at the time, as Kouhei couldn’t take free time at work for such a long period. They both went to visit Tae everyday but her condition was getting worse and one day she passed away after saying her goodbyes.
Kouhei was devastated – he was left alone with a child, and the love of his life was gone. Yagi didn’t take it good as well, he knew Tae since childhood and he couldn’t believe she was gone just like that. But he had to stay strong for Kouhei. They somehow managed to go through the funeral together but it was tough, especially while Tsumugi was crying so much she finally fell asleep from exhaustion in Kouhei’s arms.
First three months were the worst. The reality that Tae is not going back slowly downed on them and it was suffocating. Kouhei didn’t look good, but he tried hard to stand back on his own two feet for Tsumgi. She was probably the reason he didn’t give up and somehow their life went back to stability.
He came to visit sometimes and helped take care of Tsumugi as before, when Kouhei was busy. After six months the memories of Tae were still fresh but they didn’t hurt as much, and Kouhei started smiling more.
Then he met this girl Iida Kotori – Kouhei’s student – that helped Kouhei learn how to cook. He knew his friend was sometimes hopeless, but he had no idea that he had no clue about cooking. Tae’s meals were superb, no wonder he never even tried to make something on his own – he should have guessed.
But the cooking lessons seemed to get Kouhei’s spirits up, so he went along with it. Then the other girl, Kojika Shinobu, who was making fun of him all the time, joined them as well and they started making meals together from time to time.
During one of their meetings he stumbled upon a piece of information that changed him once again.
“Actually, when I went to pick up Tsumugi earlier, I smelled something sweet. Were you making something?” Kouhei asked him.
Today they prepared a freshly caught fish – all the food was delicious.
He opened the can of beer before answering. “Yeah, I made a cake for a customer’s birthday.”
“You don’t look like a cake maker,” Kojika replied with enthusiasm.
“Does it matter what I look like?” he said, a bit annoyed. Every time people judged him by his looks – it was kind of unnerving at times.
“I’m so jealous you can make sweets!” Iida supplied, looking overjoyed. It looked like she loved eating more than anything else, judging by her blissful expression.
“When did you learn?” Kojika asked.
Then Kouhei cut in. “Come to think of it, when we were in school, you once asked me what sweets I liked.”
He immediately turned his head and spit out his beer in surprise. He heard the “Yagi-chan, that’s yucky” coming from Tsumugi.
It happened so many years ago, he didn’t suspect Kouhei still remembered his question. It wasn’t anything special, so he was convinced he forgot about it.
“What are you doing?” he heard Kojika’s voice. After that he bent over to clean the floor while saying “S-sorry…”
It was so embarrassing to recall such old memories.
Iida kneeled beside him, and helped him wipe the floor. “You were using sensei to help you learn to cook, huh?” she asked smiling.
He felt like gulping down, but knew it would be too obvious.
Yeah, more like he was learning for Kouhei specifically.
“I… I guess,” he replied, stumbling on his words once again. He really wanted for them to change the topic already.
“You’re really dedicated, huh?” Kojika added, surprised.
He started coughing again.
Oh girl, you have no idea.
Fortunately the topic changed as Tsumugi ate all fish bone senbei.
He took a deep breath when nobody was looking. It really surprised him, he wasn’t aware that he would still have such a strong reaction to Kouhei’s words.
He took a secret glance at his friend and his heart skipped a bit. He blinked and tried to reason with the part of his brain that was still working that it was just his imagination. It’s not like he was still in love with Kouhei, right?
But since that moment he realised that he never really stopped following Kouhei with his eyes and memorising all his expressions. All this time he was convinced it was all in the past, and maybe if Tae was still here, those feelings wouldn’t have resurfaced. But they slowly did find their way back to his heart and mind, making his life once again more complicated than he wanted.
At some point he started questioning his sanity because, in this very moment of his life, it actually felt like it was the right time to finally confess his feelings.
He reprimanded himself for thinking such things because it was only eight months after Tae’s death – it was too early for making any advances. Well, he shouldn’t be doing any advances in the first place as Kouhei was once married to his friend, and now he was a single father with a lot of problems on his head – why add to them?
Such thoughts recurred to him few times over the course of three months before he managed to shush them down. He was in a stage of his life where everything felt right, so why change anything?
He observed as Tsumugi was playing with other children in the park. She was as lively as ever but her mood could drastically change depending on circumstances. Still, she was a nice, little girl who borrowed characteristics from both her parents. Soon she will probably grew up to be as beautiful as her mother and she will bring her meaningful other home, making Kouhei depressed.
He put out a cigarette he was smoking and called for Tsumugi. It was almost time for Kouhei to come collect her.
They went back to his flat and waited patiently at Kouhei, while watching some animation about magical girls Tsugumi liked.
“Yuusuke, Tsumugi!” he heard Kouhei’s voice after a knock on the door.
Tsumugi jumped to her feet and run to the door, he followed closely after her.
“Did you have fun today?” Kouhei asked, crouching beside Tsumugi and petting her on the head. “Thanks for taking care of her,” he added, looking up at Yagi.
He shrugged his shoulders.
“It’s not a problem,” he replied.
Kouhei smiled at him and then stood up and sighed.
“Trying day at work?”
“Yeah, the end of semester always is hard with all the exams coming up,” Kouhei answered, massaging his shoulder.
“Daddy, daddy, what’s for dinner today?” Tsumugi asked with a big grin on her face.
He watched closely their conversation, Kouhei really looked tired.
“How about some drinks?” he said finally. “I can finish up earlier and we could drink something good.”
“Oh, I don’t know, I should probably finish some work for tomorrow.”
“Come on, you can’t be working all the time, you will ruin your health,” he replied.
“Ah, maybe you are right, I’ve been quite busy recently,” Kouhei responded, scratching his neck.
“I will come around 7 p.m. then.”
Kouhei smiled at that.
“Daddy, can we make a hamburger today?” Tsumugi joined in on the conversation.
“Daddy will make you the best hamburgers in the world,” Kouhei replied, taking Tsumugi by the hand.
After that Kouhei took Tsumugi and they went back home while he returned to his work. As promised he came at 7 p.m. on the dot, with few beers in his bag.
“Come in. Tsumugi just went to sleep, so it seems it will be only the two of us today,” Kouhei welcomed him at the door.
He went in and put all the cans on the table. After a moment he sat on the floor. Kouhei joined him and they bumped their cans in a toast.
He listened to Kouhei’s problems and happy stories. They talked about the past and somewhere between one story and another of their high school days, he just said “You know, I think I am in love with you.”
It came naturally, just like that. He blurted it out without embarrassment or second thoughts. Maybe it was the alcohol, although he wasn’t even slightly drunk yet, or maybe it was how adults handled their feelings. He didn’t know, he was probably still a boy at heart.
Kouhei looked stunned for a moment, and then he chuckled and patted Yagi on the arm.
“I know, I love you too,” he said cheerfully.
He sighed and stopped himself from rolling his eyes.
“I don’t mean it as a friendship. I am in love with you as you were in love with Tae,” he supplied.
Kouhei looked at him with slightly glazed eyes. He could pinpoint the moment when Yagi’s words finally hit the home.
Kouhei went bright red on the spot.
“What? You mean… you are like really, really in love with me?” he said surprised. He nodded. “Since when?”
Yagi thought about the answer for a moment.
“Probably from the very beginning,” he responded.
“Since the beginning of the year?! Whoa, that’s a long time,” Kouhei replied, amazed.
“No, I meant I have fallen for you since the day we first met in high school,” he growled, feeling his cheeks getting warmer. He leaned his head on a hand, trying to partially cover his expression.
God, Kouhei was even slower after the alcohol than normally.
The answer left his friend speechless.
“Y-you mean, since the first day of school…?”
He nodded.
He didn’t knew it was possible but Kouhei blushed even harder – he was red to the tips of his ears.
“O-oh, is that so,” Kouhei said, tightening his grip on the can of beer. After a moment, he hid his face behind the can and murmured: “I never noticed.”
“I made everything, so you wouldn’t,” Yagi replied, taking another sip of beer. He managed to calm down a bit, but he felt his cheeks were still slightly warm.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” he heard Kouhei’s voice.
“You were already in love with Tae. There was no point in butting in when I knew she would make you happy.”
There was a silence after that.
“I am sorry, I should have noticed.” Kouhei finally looked at him, and his expression was a mixture of sadness, embarrassment and some other things Tagi couldn’t quite pinpoint. “It must have been hard on you, and I even made you my best man at the wedding. I am the worst an-”
“Oi,” he stopped him midsentence. “Quit it. If I felt uncomfortable I wouldn’t have agreed, besides, I was really happy for both of you.”
“Umm…but-”
“No complaining. Geez, I didn’t tell you about it, to make you feel bad,” he said, looking Kouhei straight in the eyes. It seemed his words worked because Kouhei seemed to calm down and his expression shifted to more neutral one.
“Then, why are you telling me this only now?” Kouhei asked.
“It just seemed like the right timing for it,” he replied truthfully. “Tae would have scolded me for waiting so long if she knew,” he added.
Kouhei chuckled at that.
“Yeah, she would talk your ear off, if she discovered you were holding yourself back.”
There it was, this warm smile Kouhei always had when talking about Tae. Nothing really changed even after her death.
Suddenly Kouhei got all serious once again.
“About your confession, I am sorry but I don’t think I am able to reply to your feelings right now. It’s still too early since Tae left, and I want to concentrate on Tsumugi and her needs.”
“I know,” Yagi replied, with a small smile. He itched for a cigarette. “I said it mostly for my own sake. Now that it’s out, I actually feel much better,” he added.
Kouhei nodded, sending a smile of his own Yagi’s way.
They bumped their almost empty cans of beer in a toast and finished them off.
The atmosphere cleared after that, and they sat there talking for another hour or so. Kouhei looked much more relaxed than before, and it made Yagi happy.
“Yuusuke,” Kouhei called after Yagi, before he left. He turned around just to see sincere expression on Kouhei’s face. “You are important part of this family, you always were.”
He gaped at Kouhei and smiled after a second.
“I know, you don’t have to remind me,” he replied.
“That’s why, please don’t abandon us.” There was a hint of desperation in Kouhei’s voice, but his eyes were determined.
He looked at Kouhei for a moment, and he couldn’t shake off the feeling that, no matter what path he chose, he probably would end up in the same place, by Kouhei’s side anyway.
“What are you saying?” he finally asked, raising his brow. “Tsumugi would cry if I left.”
Kouhei’s eyes glazed for a second, and then he nodded with a smile.
“I will see you tomorrow then,” Kouhei said, and Yagi waved him on his way back.
Really, Kouhei was overreacting. He could never leave him alone, not him, nor Tsumugi. They were the most important people in his life and he would do anything to protect and support them.
And yet, for some reason, he felt his cheeks getting wet, when the tears started falling down.
He touched the wet spot with his hand making sure, that he didn’t imagine it.
No, the tears were there, and his vision got a little blurry.
He still got a chance as Kouhei didn’t reject him flat out. There was still hope that, maybe in the future, when Tsumugi is older and the wound after Tae’s death is healed, Kouhei will consider his feelings.
So why? Why the words of rejection hurt so much?