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It was another dark day in the Pataki household. The storm outside cracked across the sky lighting up Helga's room. Another night she couldn't sleep. Days ago Arnold had left, for good. She couldn't get the exchange off her mind.
Thats it? Just like that? Am I that much of a loser? I'm not worthy of even a hug?
These thoughts plagued her as soon as he boarded the plane. After San Lorenzo things hadn't quite returned back to normal for them, much to Helga's dismay. Arnold was more patient than ever, but quiet. She knew he didn't like her back, or at least not as much as she liked him. The more rational side of her could recognize that, but the louder irrational side hated it. So in her silent fury she started to outright ignore him, as much as it killed her. It hadn't struck her that after saving his parents he would move to be with them. When she got the news he was leaving she tried many times to fix things between them, to finally talk about what they've been ignoring for months, but it was futile. Despite all the work she had done with Dr. Bliss she resorted back to her usual self. She cried herself to sleep those nights and prayed to her shrine on the worse ones. When the day finally came for him to leave she sprinted like she had never sprinted before. She spent all her money on cab fair to see him leave the airport. It didn't matter how much her lungs burned or her legs ached, the look of surprise on his face when he saw her was worth it. The memory flashed in front of her face again.
“Helga?” He whispered.
“H-hey football head.” She chuckled nervously. “Thought you could leave without saying goodbye?”
The air between them weighed heavily on the both of them, but was also charged with something she couldn't help but to write a poem about.
“I- yeah. Look I know what happened back in San-.”
“Nope!”
“What I'm trying to say is I know we never really talked-”
“No! I just want to say goodbye.” She rushed out, grabbing his hand. “I just want to say bye and I'm…I'm sorry Arnold.”
“For what?”
“I treated you like garbage the past few months and you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry I just… I don't know how to be around you now. And now that you're moving I don't want to lose touch, you know?” She rubbed her neck feeling the heat climb to her face. “What I mean is… just don't forget about me okay?”
She knew she looked pathetic staring up at him with pleading eyes and a small smile. His hand squeezed hers. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered.
“Helga I could never forget about you. You're too important. I'll write to you. How about that?” He smiled warmly at her. “Only if you promise to write back.”
“I promise!”
The ding of the airport went off right as he was about to say something else.
“All passengers please board onto flight XX36 to San Lorenzo.”
“Looks like this is it. I'll talk to you later okay?” He smiled, squeezing her hand again.
“Okay Arnold. I'll be waiting.”
With that he boarded the plane, waving at her goodbye. Her heart shattered as his plane grew smaller and smaller into the distance. Lightning lit up her room again. She hadn't noticed when she started crying again, but she knew tomorrow her face would be puffy. Arnold's letter just arrived today and she didn't know how to respond. He was ecstatic to be living with his parents now. The city was beautiful and his new school was full of interesting people she was sure he would make new friends in.
But what about her? What could she write back to him about? The letter sat cold and alone on her desk where her shrine to him had previously sat. The day he left she immediately went home and took it all down. Her deity left her. Now once again she was by herself. It was only the beginning of the summer and she had resigned herself to a miserable existence. Phoebe forced her to apply for a school for brainiacs. “It might be a good change of pace Helga.” she had said. Phoebe was usually right about these kinds of things so she went ahead and did it after giving her grief.
She supposed she could have written about that. Instead her first draft spiraled into her missing him and her slow descent into madness without her muse. A letter that would be joined by three more and sealed away into the desk into a binder that later on became full of unsent letters to Arnold. But that night as the storm raged outside she took Arnold's letter and held it close to her. The thoughts of everything let unsaid consumed her as she fell into a restless sleep.
Over the summer her days grew grayer. She didn't think she was depressed, but hanging out with the PS 118 group was less enjoyable nowadays. Olga moved back home full time to pursue acting, much to Bob and Miriam's horror and dismay. When her acceptance letter finally came in the mail she was happy, if only for a short time. Her parents celebrated with her first phone. It was nice seeing Olga be the jealous one for once.
She never sent a letter back to Arnold after that first letter, or the second, or the third, or even the fourth. By then she hoped he would stop writing or heck even forget about her. He had a shiny new life to lead and so did she! Tomorrow she started her first day of her new school and she was sure it was going to be amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was everything she had been wanting and more. The school was structured at not only a higher level, but she could genuinely learn as much as she wanted from any given subject during her designated classes. Her teachers took a genuine interest in her and her thoughts, and so did her classmates much to her surprise. From what she could tell they were a bunch of sheltered brainiacs just like she thought they would be, but what she didn't expect was how popular their differences would make her.
Phoebe had to fight for her seat at Helga's table at lunch that day. Though it was an easy fight once Helga told the others to back off. That night she wrote all of this to Arnold and even included a long love letter about how although she loves her new school it shall never compare to the love she felt for him or the memories they shared. She shivered just thinking about him until the guilt set in.
During these writing sessions biting her lip became a habit. Half her lip stays split and bleeding now. It was too late for her to start sending the letters now. Not that any of the letters she wrote were anywhere near to the level of surface level friendliness that Arnold's letters were. She traced her fingers over his writing, allowing her mind to run rampant thinking of him taking the time out of his day to write to her. She wondered if there was anyone else that had caught his eye yet. That jealousy started to boil up only to be extinguished when Dr. Bliss pointed out not only were they not together, but in different countries. She hated when the shrink was so right.
As time went on Bob and Miraim gave Helga more and more attention, especially as she rose to the top of her class right beside Phoebe. At nights Miriam would invite herself into Helga's room to talk about how in her years in school she was also really smart and she's glad she passed down something helpful to her daughter.
Weird pep talk, but okay Miriam. I'll take it. Bob however was a different story. While he was wildly supportive at first, it was quickly made abundantly clear he was only in this to make money. As he met with her principal she saw him slip his card into the man's pocket. Not long after that he was inviting the principal and his family to their house for a little house party. The taste of freedom she had quickly soured soon after that. Much to her distaste she started to act like Olga. Every tight smile and forced out laugh was met with an intense stare from Bob. But she knew if she wasn't on her best behavior life would get worse.
What happens if the principal kicked her out? Realized he passed the wrong girl? Barred her from getting into any college?
It was a risk she couldn't take. So she made nice through dinner and floated around the room with clumsiness. Her cheeks hurt for days after that night. The night ended with Olga vying for everyone's attention with an impromptu piano recital much to Bob's dismay. Bob blew up on the desperate girl marking an end to the miserable night. Helga couldn't help, but to feel bad for Olga.
Later when the principal had left and their parents went their separate ways Helga snuck into Olga's room. Despondent Olga lied curled up into a weeping ball facing away from her younger sister. Helga bit back a snarky comment and sat down at the end of her bed.
“I'm sorry that happened Olga, but i just gotta know why did you do that?” She asked. “ I mean, you gotta know that Bob was gonna act like that, right?”
“Yeah, b-but it's been so long since he t-talked to me like that. I thought daddy was different now.” She stuttered. That gave Helga pause.
“Well what do you mean?”
Olga sat up and wiped her eyes.
“Daddy used to talk like that all the time before you were born. I used to be more like you back then. I was smart, but I always got into trouble until I realized when I was good mommy and daddy were happier and wouldn't fight. I was so tired all the time. Then you came along! My little sister.” She sniffled. “Finally I had more than one reason to distract them. I know I hurt you by getting all their attention, but I couldn't help but try to save you from putting you under the same pressure.”
“I- I don’t know what to say. I mean I still needed them, but I didn't need them. You didn't have to do that. I would've been fine. I mean you left anyway so…does it really matter?” Helga shrugged. Olga moved closer to her sister, wrapping her up in a hug.
“I'm here now. I'm sorry I left. I know exactly how you feel, baby sister.”
It was a solace that was short lived. Within the week Olga was back to trying to please their parents. Bob remained a blowhard and Miriam remained a drunk. That night she brought back out all of the Arnold regalia and set it up back on her desk throughout her room and closet. Lighting every candle she owned throughout her room she bowed before her shine.
“Oh Arnold, save me! I know I'm too old for this now. I know I've ignored your letters. I would never ask of you anything you couldn't handle! Please come back and save me.” She looked up at her paper mache head of Arnold with pleading eyes. “I'm going to go crazy here! I just know it! This place is a nut house! The dreams of you are the only thing keeping me sane now. Dreams of your flaxen hair. Dreams of your eyes that are endless. Dreams of your arms around me shielding me from insanity driven destitution. Without you who am I? Who am I becoming?”
In the coming years Helga's world grew more and more gray. Arnold hadn't written in over a year now. School lost its novelty and Phoebe was far above her in the class yet again. In the most recent months she and Phoebe had gotten into it. Phoebe demanded her not to boss her around anymore. It was a simple ask, but it was easier said than done. They quickly fell back onto old habits. To which Phoebe responded in outrage months later. So in order to show her a change she decided to give her best friend some space. Though after about a month Helga felt like her world was closing in on her now. On her way home from school now she would stop by the old boarding house and allow her mind to sweep her back into those old memories.
Phoebe and Helga eventually made up, however their relationship was forever changed. With Helga’s ever sinking feeling in her chest sinking it was going to be different anyways. She found she didn't have the energy to boss Phoebe around anymore. Which honestly was a good thing if she thought about it pragmatically. She tried not to think about how it hurt her own feelings.
She didn’t want to be bossy or mean to Phoebe in fact she didn't want much of anything anymore. She still cared, sure, but not like how she did before. She couldn't remember the last time she was happy nor the last time she was excited about anything. Maybe when her mom entered her 12 step program? No, even then she didn't have any hope for Miriam. To make herself feel better she'd read her old letters.
Dearest Arnold,
I haven't a clue what to do. Will you ever return? Am I a footnote to your colorful past? I feel the world passing above me and I am a sinking stone, but where are you? Where is my saving rope? Where are you? Phoebe isn't talking to me. Olga has lost her mind. I don't have any place to go. I have Dr. Bliss, but I fear I'll soon age out of her practice. School is a small release. I'm not at the top of the class anymore. I should be used to being alone. I am the whisper on the wind that screams I am alone. I am the last blade of grass to die before winter. It's harder and harder to focus. Is it hard for you too? Do you picture me sitting beside you? Do your insides melt at the thought of me like mine do for you? Did you ever exist at all? I wonder now… my angel did I imagine you to make up for their hell I found myself in? Did I see a cloud one day and the shape of your face come to me in some grace of God? I dare not speak your name aloud anymore. For fear of you being real is too much for my aching heart to handle anymore.
Your beloved ghost,
Helga
As time passed more she would just sit on the stoop late at night when sleep evaded her or prevented by Bob and Miriam's endless arguments. She pressed her cheek against the cool brick. Slowly opening her eyes she stared up into the endless night. More often than not she found herself here, at the stoop, staring into the stars, in total numbness. The wind blew through her messy hair wrapping her up in a smell that reminded her of him.
When she first started coming here she thought maybe he was walking home, but then reality set in. She let herself believe that her prayers were answered, that he did really exist and he wasn't just a cruel reminder of what she couldn't have. Although sometimes when she finally exhausted herself just enough she could fall asleep to the smell of him if only until sunrise. Those days school is just a little easier and the day is a little brighter even if it's still pretty boring.
Slowly she stopped seeing Dr. Bliss. At first it was just sickness. Then slowly it turned into going once a week. Then not at all. Avoiding her calls to her house Helga hoped it would make life a bit easier. She just couldn't stand talking about it anymore. She had tried everything at this point, writing was like a balm, hanging out with Phoebe felt like hanging out with a reminder, and the stupid eye movement thing could only help with her parent problems. Her nerves were frayed and she was on her last one.
Christmas was soon. The stoop was decorated with the softly glowing Christmas lights. A small smile graced her lips. The day had been particularly hard. After getting one of her tests back she finally noticed she was really starting to let her grades drop. A D+ wasn't that bad relative to her grades recently, but a creeping fear came up that her teachers might want to talk to her. She could feel them hovering more and more recently.
They called on her more often now begging for some kind of participation. She would try to placate them at first. Then even that became too taxing on the teen. She still suffered through her homework with Phoebe and then alone.
It would just be easier if she would hang out with other brainiacs like her.
Helga was really holding Phoebe back from her fullest potential or at least that's how she saw it. So taking a step back slowly was easy. It was a process she was used to by now. It didn't take long at all to get Bob and Miriam back into old habits. Olga took longer, but she knew she kept an eye on her, albeit not the most keen eye. She was still a Pataki after all.
Once the teachers brought her in after class to talk to her. They asked if everything was alright at home. She scoffed and rolled her eyes.
“No of course not what gave you that idea?”
“Well we, the other teachers and I, noticed your grades slipping for sometime now and we were hoping you could tell us a reason so we can get you back on track.” Mrs. Medina said with a patient smile. “This isn't a punishment, Helga. We just want to know how we can help.”
That made her cringe. Truthfully she didn't want anyone to care about her, not anymore. It wasn't even about Arnold anymore. It was about not seeing a point to it all. The world had gone gray and nothing was going to help anymore. Hugs felt cold.
“I think I'm just going through something. Teenage hormones and all.” She said through a practiced smile. Thank goodness she gave her the grace to accept that answer and let her go about her day. That night on the stoop she thought to herself, actually thought, rather than just her usual mindless staring about ending it all.
It's what pet owners did to their pets all the time. They do it for all sorts of reasons: they're old and tired, they're sick, or they're just plain dangerous. Wasn't that all what Helga was? Maybe at different points in her life, but really was it so bad to put herself out of her own misery? That was another reason why people did it. Just listen to her thoughts now. She really was sick, but this was the remedy.
She wondered how she would do it. Jumping off a building? No. She didn't want any witnesses to be traumatized. Hanging herself? Nah she might become a vegetable if she fails. Taking all of Miriam's meds? That one was an interesting idea. A seamless fade into a restful sleep that always evaded her. But she didn't deserve to go slowly. Nor would she want to either. Everything was a violent fight for her so why shouldn't this be too? That's when shooting herself popped into her mind. Something about it suited her. There wasn't much she could mess up.
Bob owned a gun; it was just in her parents nightstand. It wouldn't be hard. All she needed to do now was to write her goodbyes and give some stuff away, but that would take her no time at all. It would only take her about a week to do everything. So next Saturday would be the day. Just after Christmas. Relief washed over her at her newfound resolve. The stars shined down at her and pulled her under into a deep sleep. Like clockwork just before the sun rose she slunk back to her home into her bed.
The weekend was a bitter blessing. Saturday she woke up at almost 4 pm. All she did that day was lie on her side and think of who she would write to first. Of course it would be Arnold. Who else would it be? She took a few pages and envelopes from her closet shrine to her bed and got straight to work. Sonnets of her tragic end came easily, but thinking back to how he reacted every time she showed the extent of her true feelings his horrified face flashed in her mind. So into the trash they went.
After many hours she found the words evading her where they usually came with ease. Throwing away the most recent pathetic attempt she started to work on Phoebe's. That one was easy. Apologies for her past behavior and for what she's about to do. Check. Well wishes and how she always thought she was going to go bigger and better places. Check. Saying she loves her and she will miss her… that was a bit harder. Her throat swelled shut and tears clouded her vision. Breaking her pencil she slammed her hand on her bed. Wiping away her tears she finished it with passion. She had to do this. There was no other option.
Her phone rang next to her, snapping her out of her thoughts. Speak of the devil. She thought to herself clearing her throat and picking up.
“Hello?” Helga's voice rung out.
“Helga! Are you there?” Phoebe said excitedly.
“Uh yeah. What's got your panties in a twist?”
“What are you doing next weekend?”
Shit. Did she know? How could she know? I never said anything.
“Oh….uh…nothing i-important!” she squeaked.
“Good! Arnold's coming back next weekend!”
“What?” Helga whispered. “I don't think I heard you right.”
“Arnold's coming back next weekend! And he's hosting a Christmas house party! We're all invited. Gerald got the call this morning. He's telling everyone now. You're the first one on my list I called!” She yelled excitedly. “From what Geralds told me he's excited to be back and see you again! Isn't that wonderful Helga?!”
She couldn't breathe. She could hardly think. Now? Now he came back? After she finally decided to end her suffering once and for all?! They were halfway through their junior year of high school. Surely he wasn't back for Christmas and that's it? It probably is though. He hadn't been home in years.
“Y-yeah! It's great…can't wait. Can't wait to see the hairboy again.”
“You don't seem too enthusiastic.”
Helga sighed. “He hasn't written, Pheebs. For at least a year now. I mean I know I'm not blameless, but will it be weird? I don't know how to act now! What and he can suddenly call now?! Where was that years ago!” She huffed. It's not her fault. Be a better friend, at least at the end. “I'm sorry I'm just really tired right now. What time is it at?”
“Helga you can have feelings about this you know. I'm sure everything is going to be okay. You are still friends after all! Just keep being yourself with him and it'll go just fine.” She reassured her. “And international calls are expensive. You can't blame him for that.”
Helga sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She couldn't not go. This could change everything, but it could also change nothing. She shook off those thoughts.
“I know. I know! I'll be there. I'm just scared. What if he hates me now?” She said practically whispering the last part. “Is it over forever then?”
“Helga, it's not over. I shouldn't be telling you this, but Gerald said Arnold wouldn't stop talking about you when he called.” Her breath hitched. “Well what am I supposed to wear?! I don't have anything cool to wear anymore!”
“How about I come over beforehand and help you pick?”
“No!” She yelled looking down at her note in her hand. “No, I got it. Thanks Pheebs you're one heck of a pal. I'll just meet you there.”
“Yeah I know! Everything is going to be okay. If you want to at least walk together let me know.”
“I will. I will. I'll see you later.”
Before she could respond she hung up and flopped face first into the bed. Groaning loudly she kicked her legs.
“Be still my still beating heart! Must my plans be always invaded by my angel? Cryptic love God you choose not to forsake me when it is too late? My goal is just. My time is now. Are you here to bless me before I go? That must be it.” Helga declared with bravado. She stood on her bed, her hand reaching for the heavens. “I'll allow one more blessing, my angel. One more moment of respite before the end of it all.”
Flopping back down into her mattress she stared up into her popcorn ceiling pretending it was the stars looking down at her. She brought her pencil back up to her mouth and chewed on it. Did this mean she would have to give them her letters herself? It would probably be better for everyone if she did. Really she was just making sure she was tying up loose ends. They deserved one last kindness from her, even if she couldn't muster the words aloud. With renewed vigor she rewrote Phoebe's note and finished the first lines of Arnold.
School that week went by in a blur, but she was happy, truly happy. The walk to school was clear, full of sunshine, and color. She combed her hair and took a shower for the first time in weeks. Helga put on her best clothes that week, even putting back in her signature bow to keep the hair out of her face. Teachers noticed her new chipper attitude. She even talked to Mrs. Medina after class, thanking her for her concern. After school she stopped by Dr. Bliss's office with a smile. She brought one of her old potion bottles from when she didn't want to love Arnold anymore to give to her.
“I don't need this anymore.” she declared, placing the bottle on her desk.
“Thank you Helga. Can I ask what it is?” She asked with a calm smile.
“Oh just an old love-me-not potion I don't need anymore and I have you to thank for that doc.” She said with finger guns. “Well I gotta go. It was nice seeing you again. I really did appreciate our time together.”
And with that she practically skipped out of her office. Dr. Bliss watched her with a suspicious look as she left her office. It was Thursday now so her next stop would just be Rhonda's house. They had always been two sides of the same coin so she dropped off her best clothes that she had worn already. She had given her a befuddled look. They hadn't seen each other in a long time, but Helga figured better now than never. It was easy avoiding those friend group hang outs over the past year, but sometimes it did eat at her. Phoebe always scolded her for not going, only letting up when she gave homework as an excuse.
When Gerald and Phoebe finally got together she finally laid off on her friend. Helga enjoyed and hated the silence. Once she got home she went straight to her closet desk. She finished her homework quickly and returned to her note for Arnold. Her parents' note was easy, it was just an easy goodbye. Not that they'd miss her or notice she was gone. Honestly she was just doing what they always wanted, for her to disappear. It was perfect too, Bob planned for them to go out on a date Saturday to “fix their relationship since Miriam's doing so good”. It was the most supportive she's ever seen her dad with her mom, although she was sure there was an ulterior motive in there somewhere.
To Arnold
To my beloved
Dear
Im sorry
It feels too heavy
I cant do this anymore
Please save me
Fuck
Crumpling the most recent paper she screamed and threw it across the room. Underneath it all she just wanted to be helped, but she didn't at the same time. For now she changed directions and picked out her outfit for Saturday. Friday was quick. She gave a couple of her things to Olga who didn't think much about it past them being closer sisters from then on. She let herself genuinely hug her sister back that night before pulling away and returning to her room. She wrote her note and locked them away with the rest. Helga didn't bother to try to work out Arnold's note; at this point she knew that she would be writing it right before she left the next day.
As she laid in bed that night her thoughts were… peaceful for the first time in years. She drifted back to memories of their childhood, when things were easier, less messy. His messy hair and his odd head made her laugh. She couldn't help, but to smile thinking of what he looked like now. Maybe he finally grew into that football head. She wondered how he would react once he heard the news.
She knew he'd blame himself. That damn savior complex of his would be the death of her. She laughed at that, but she'd just have to add a part telling him it wasn't his fault. You can't save everyone. That's not how life worked. Phoebe would probably be relieved not having anyone holding her back anymore. It's not that she thought little of her. It was just that she was so much better than her at everything and that was a good thing. She could never be like Phoebe or Olga or Rhonda or any other girl she knew. That was fine too. She knew who she was. She just wanted to get away from it all.
It felt like a blink and then she was up again for the next day. She got ready and made herself look very nice, nicer than usual. She brushed and styled her hair to be wavy. She washed her face and put on a bit of makeup opting for thick eyeliner and a bit of pale pink lipstick. Putting on her pink silk shirt, tucking it into a pair of black fit and flare jeans. From the back of her closet, she dawned a pair of her favorite black platform boots. Giving herself a once over, she was thoroughly impressed with how good she looked. Before she could change her mind she slipped into her parents' bedroom, stealing the gun from the bedside table. Her heart pounded against her ribcage as she held the heavy weapon.
Turning it over in her hand the weight of her decision finally started to weigh heavily on her. She bit her lip as she ran her finger over the trigger. Guilt started to flood her thinking about who would be finding her later. Pushing away those thoughts she turned the safety on as she made her way to her room. Standing in front of the mirror the held it to her head. The air was sucked from the room at the sight before her.
A scared girl stared back at her, not a woman who knew what she wanted to do. The fear in her eyes told her otherwise. She might have looked good to anyone else, but to herself? She looked frazzled and erratic. She didn't want to die. She just wanted out of the house. She could leave any time. She left all the time.
But that wasn't enough.
She slipped it underneath her bed and looked at the time. She still had a bit of time. She picked up her favorite pen and in a flurry of emotion and fear wrote her deepest darkest feelings into Arnold's letter. Her very soul seeped into the pages, each letter slightly soggy with her tears. By the time she finished her makeup ran down her face. Putting it in an envelope she took out the other letters she worked on that week into her bag. She looked at herself in the mirror one more time.
Wiping away the evidence of her little breakdown she touched everything up. She smirked, noticing how crying had made her eyes shine and her skin glow.
At least I'll look nice. Slinging her bag over her shoulder just as she started to leave for the night she ran face first into Olga.
“Olga! What're you doing?!” She frantically pulled her door shut.
“OH Helga! I didn't know you were home! I never know when you're home anymore.” Her sister smiled, grabbing her arms. “I thought since mommy and daddy are going out tonight I thought we could spend some quality time together like old times. Maybe go to the movies, get some food, talk about boys. You know girl stuff!”
Helga cringed until she saw the hurt in her sister's face. The least I can do is let her down gently before I say goodbye.
“I wish I could, but there's a party I'm going to tonight and the old gang is all going to be there. I'd really like to go otherwise I would.” That was…the truth, shocking even Helga as she said it. “We can hang out sometime later if you want. It sounds…fun.” She said, giving a pitiful smile.
“Oh I'm just so happy you're seeing them again! It's been so long!” She threw her arms around her sister in a crushing embrace. “Is that boy you like going to be there? What was his name? Arnold?”
Her breath hitched. “Y-yeah he'll be there. I doubt he'll remember me.”
“There's no way he forgot someone as amazing as you! And if he did he won't forget you after this outfit!” She exclaimed excitedly. Olga pulled away to take a look at her outfit. She grinned. “Yup! No way he'll forget you after tonight!”
Don't remind me. She thought bitterly. The grandfather clock strummed 9 pulling her out of her thoughts.
“Well I gotta go! I'm gonna be late already! Bye Olga!” She ran out the door without looking back. After slamming the door behind her she caught her breath and stared into the same stars that kept her company all those nights. She willed herself to find the courage to move. In a few minutes there she was. Back at the stoop where she spent so many nights. Just looking at the silhouettes in the window, it was a happy scene. Music poured from the seams of the building. Laughter filled the air from somewhere.
She gripped her bag tighter and gulped. Suddenly going inside felt like the hardest thing in the world. She always sat outside. She never went in at least not in years. There was one time Arnold's grandpa tried to invite her in for breakfast, but she vehemently declined and rushed back home. Biting her fingers she paced around the street.
Was Phoebe already there? What if she wasn't? If she wasn't, was she still even welcome? They were all technically still friends. She never had any kind of falling out with the rest of them. She just…let it fall to the wayside. Did he even want to see her still? What if he changed his mind? What if he's disappointed in what he sees in her?
The door opened with bright colorful lights pouring out behind him.
“Are you coming inside or what?” Arnold said with a smile. He reached his hand out to her. “Come on, it has to be getting chilly out here.”
Her feet were rooted to the ground. Her cheeks were on fire. Her palms were clammy. Her heart was racing at a speed that shouldn't be humanly possible. He looked like how he did, but older. His hair was longer, he finally gave up his baseball hat, his skin was tanner too, oh and he was tall. It made her mouth water. He looked exactly how she thought he was going to look when he was older, only better. Her eyes ran over him several times before noticing he was staring at her with a patient smile for her response.
“I- yeah! Of course! Sorry I was just fixing my hair before coming in!” She laughed nervously, quickly grabbing at her hair. She sped up the steps grabbing his hand. “Is everyone already here?”
He stared at her for a moment. His eyes bore into hers then to her lips then slowly back to her eyes. Her cheeks turned bright red. Arnold quickly looked away, scratching his neck.
“Oh um! Yeah! I mean no! There are still a couple of stragglers. Phoebe is with Gerald right now inside if you're wondering.”
“Well let's not keep them waiting then, hairboy!” She said with an enthusiastic grin, forgetting all about the letters hidden in her bag. Not letting go of the poor boy's hand he was dragged inside lost in thought because they were still holding hands. Helga pushed past the thoughts of nervousness and fear and just let the adrenaline guide her. She enthusiastically greeted everyone with a big smile.
“Hey guys! How are you doing!” She knew she was being too much right now, but she couldn't help it. Her heart was racing and she was still holding Arnold's hand. The group gave variations of good as their response as they looked between Arnold and her. Phoebe came up behind Helga.
“Hey Helga are you alright?” She asked.
“Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?”
Phoebe scanned her face. She nodded, apparently finding what she was looking for. “Okay, but I need to talk to you later.”
“Yeah yeah Pheebs we'll talk later. I wanna get in on that beer pong game over there!” Helga let go of a befuddled Arnolds hand who quickly looked at Phoebe for an answer to which she shrugged. She quickly made her way over to the table where Sid, Stinky, Harold, and Rhonda were all standing clearly about to start another game. She dropped her bag.
“Hey guys can I join in?”
“Only if you feel like losing Helga.” Stinky laughed.
“In your dreams Stinky!”
In the end she demolished them prompting two more games which she also won. She was in no way drunk. Although there was a slight buzz starting to cloud her mind.
“See what did I say! Dream on losers.” She laughed. “Alright, who's next?”
Phoebe grabbed her sleeve and gave her a look. “Can I talk to you now actually?” Maybe it was the alcohol going to her head, but she just smiled widely and agreed. “You guys get started without me! Let's play tallboy pong next!” They cheered for their beer pong queen as she was pulled into the hallway. They made their way to the bathroom. Phoebe locked the door.
“What's wrong with you tonight?” she said with a serious look.
“What do you mean? I just won three games of beer pong in a row! I'm being social! This is a good thing!” She said with an incredulous smile. Her hands started to feel restless again.
“Yeah those are good things, but why does it feel like you're distracting from something?”
“Me?! Distracting from something? Pheebs please, the only one distracting from anything is you distracting me from winning another game!” she said nervously.
“I know you're nervous about Arnold, why are you getting drunk when you could be talking to him? He's been staring at you all night.” She looked her up and down again. Suddenly Helga was conscious of her picking at her fingers and stopped immediately. “I'm just saying this is the most energy I've seen you have in a long time and it's worrying me.” She practically whispered. Helga wrapped her arms around her friend. “You don't have to worry about me anymore Pheebs! I'm okay! I was just in a slump. Everything is gonna be better after tonight. Don't worry so much!” She smiled, leaning back to look at her friend. The look of worry didn't leave, but the wheels in her head were clearly turning.
“Helga you know we missed you right?”
Something tugged in her chest and her throat felt tight again. Her arms dropped to her side. So she nodded and looked away.
“Yeah of course I know that, why would you say that?” she mumbled.
“I just felt like you needed to hear it, that's all.” She grabbed her other arm. “Are you gonna talk to Arnold before you leave?”
Helga's breaths turned shaky. She bit at her lip and opened and closed her fists as tight as she could. Another saving grace from Dr. Bliss.
“Yeah of course I’m gonna talk to him. I'm just not ready yet.”
“Okay well he's ready whenever you are and I'm here for you no matter what okay?”
Helga threw her arms back around her best friend and willed herself not to cry. A few tears escaped. She hoped she didn't feel them.
“Thanks Pheebs. I love ya.”
“I love you too Helga. I just want you to be okay and not do anything you'll regret.”
Her heart stopped. Did she know? There's no way she figured it out. She quickly wiped away her tears and pulled away. Nope there was no way she knew. She was too calm.
“And I'll never forget that. Now can we get back to the party?” She said deciding she was done with this conversation before it could go any further.
“Okay yeah let's get back out there.”
As they left the bathroom she scanned the hallway for Arnold. Finding nothing she looked back in the living room to find him laughing with Gerald. A soft smile graced her lips as she watched the scene unfold. Phoebe joined Gerald. He wrapped one arm around her, probably explaining what was so funny. Arnold looked between them and a strange look passed over his face. At that moment she decided to change that look on his face. Grabbing her bag she slipped his note and a few letters she never sent under her shirt so no one else saw them. Crossing the room she went straight for Arnold.
Be brave my still beating heart. There may be hope yet.
“Hey Arnoldo. I heard you needed to talk to me. Now a good time?” She said boisterously. She feigned a smile easily. Arnold gave her a nervous look.
“Uh yeah Helga let's go to my room. No, not like that Gerald.” He scolded just as he was about to start saying ooooo. Gerald gave him a miffed look. Arnold grabbed her hand and set down his solo cup. He led her up to his room. It was exactly how it was when they were kids. Dated now, but familiar and where she spent some of her most exciting moments. She gulped as she tried to focus on where he was leading her. He guided her to his bed and sat beside her. Her head swam as the booze really started to hit.
“So Helga…I don't really know how to bring this up, but Gerald said I should just come right out and say it. So I'm just gonna cut right to the chase. Why didn't you ever write me back?” he said with pleading eyes. “I mean I got it the first couple times or maybe got lost in the mail, but I wrote to you for years and you never wrote me back. Did I offend you? I swear I didn't mean to if I did.”
“Arnold, stop. You're talking too much.” she gulped. She pinched the bridge of her nose trying to focus. Maybe she had too much to drink. Suddenly she was very aware of her body. She grabbed at the letters hidden under her shirt. Now that her mind was swimming she pushed them all to his chest. “I just couldn't send them. I responded to every single one of them, but every time it came down to sending it I couldn't. I was…scared. I still am. I just…I love you so much it's still hard to be around you. It's hard to be so far away from you. If I had the choice I'd move there today.”
“Helga.”
“Wait, I'm not finished. I didn't think I could handle seeing you tonight and now that I'm here it's hard all over again. I tried to move on, but it was impossible.” Tears threatened to spill over her cheeks so she covered up her face. “I just need you to wait to open these up. I don't think I can handle seeing your reaction right now.”
“Helga we might have a problem with that.”
“I don't want you to think little of me though.”
“Helga!” He pulled her hands away from her face. “This is Phoebe's letter.” Sure enough looking down was her written Phoebe, open after, on the envelope. She needed to sober up quicker.
“Oh… are the other ones at least yours?” Looking through them he noticed they were both addressed to him. “Yeah. Why does Phoebe have a letter though?”
“Um… I uh… we just have been going through a rough patch. That's all.”
“Helga, just what were you planning on doing tonight?!” She perked up, finally looking at him in the middle of reading Phoebe's letter. “HEY GIVE ME THAT! THAT'S NOT FOR YOU!” she screamed, lunging at him. He fought against her trying to read more. “Helga! This isn’t right!! You can't do this!!” They crashed off the bed, Helga reaching for the paper. Arnold quickly kicked her off and ran to the roof, Helga hot on his heels. “You don't have the right to read that football head!”
She halted in her steps. He held the letter over the side of the building. He held his other hand out stopping her. Her heart raced. It felt like someone sliced opened her front and her heart was out in the cold night air. She shivered, wrapping her arms around herself.
“Y-you didn't have a right to read that. It wasn't for you.”
“Wasn't for me? Did you have one of these awful letters for me too?!” he exclaimed. “Is that why you came here tonight?! To tell me you were gonna kill yourself and there's nothing I can do about it!”
“What? No! Of course not! I just-” she lurched forwards. Arnold took another step back. “Arnold you gotta believe me. I just wanted you to know it's not your fault. I'm just- I'm sorry!”
“What are you sorry for? Is this why you haven't written back? Were you going to do this even if I didn't come back?” he choked out. “What about everyone else here? What about everything you've worked hard for?”
“So what Arnold?! I just can't do it anymore! I don't even talk to most of our old friends anymore! Nothing matters! And I tried! I really really tried! I'm so tired.” She yelled, choking back a sob. “It was easier when you were here. Everything got harder and harder and I'm weak! There I said it, ya happy?!”
“No.” He whispered.
“Well neither am I!” Tears streaked down her face like black fireworks. “I want to be happy again. I really do. But I'm just not. Something broke inside me a long time ago and it's not fixing itself. No amount of therapy will help. So I'm sorry I thought it would be easier if I just didn't exist anymore.” she hiccuped.
Arnold stared at her for a long moment. She looked so small, so fragile in that moment. Ripping the paper up he ran to her, enveloping her in a hug. She tensed up like a stone and then she melted into the hug, holding him close and letting out a broken wail. As her shoulders shook Arnold couldn't help, but to look up into the stars.
How could he help her? Could he help her? Just how long had she been hurting? Did Phoebe even know? Olga? Did anyone notice at all? These thoughts ran over and over in his head as he held her close. This was her now. This was the girl he spent years thinking about. The girl that lived in his dreams both awake and asleep. The headstrong confident girl was nowhere to be found now, just the vulnerable scared girl he met all those years ago crying into his sweatshirt.
“Helga.”
“Yeah?” she said between quiet sobs.
“I think you should know something.”
“What?” She pulled away from his chest and stared into his eyes.
“You know I'm moving back right?”
“What? You're just saying that so I don't do anything.” She sniffled.
“What do you think this party's for?”
“Christmas?”
“No, I'm moving back for our senior year.”
Helga stared at him shocked. This couldn't be. Why on earth would he move back to this dump? He finally got out.
“Why would you come back to this dump?”
“Helga…” he scolded. “My grandma and grandpa aren't getting any younger and I want to be with them in their last couple of years. And I really missed everyone.” He put his hand underneath her chin making her stare up at him. “I missed you. I just had to know why you weren't messaging me back. Phoebe tried to find out for me, but you didn't really answer.”
“Oh…that's why she was acting so weird. You know you can't fix me right?”
“I know, but I'm still here for you. I'm here every step of the way.”
After climbing back down the ladder to Arnold's room they sat on his bed and read through the letters she brought him and never sent. They laughed at the melodrama and he asked more questions about her life now. She told him everything. The new school, Phoebe, Olga, Bob and Miriam, the stoop, all of it.
He listened patiently, carefully asking questions about why she didn't just reach out to their friends or Dr. Bliss. She explained how she didn't know how after a while. Putting it off for so long made it feel impossible once it became too much. It made her feel weak.
She knew she wasn't weak. She was just tired. She just needed sleep she always thought, but it was more than that explaining every time she would sleep it felt like she needed ten hours more. Arnold listened as she recounted what he already knew. She needed to get out of that house. By the end of it Helga felt lighter than she had in a long time. She hugged Arnold, really taking him in for the first time in years. He smelled like the warm and welcoming sun and the wind early in the morning.
He really is my angel. She thought sweetly. Pulling away she stared down at her knees.
“Thanks for listening to me.”
“Of course Helga. Thanks for telling me.”
“You know I'm not cured right?”
“I know.”
“This is gonna be a long road. I'm not always gonna be the bright loveable Helga you know, I'm gonna have bad days.”
“I know and I'm here for them all.” He said calmly. “Cross my heart.”
“I don't deserve you.”
“Yeah you do.”
“Fine.” She said with a dry laugh. She wiped off the rest of her makeup on her sleeve. “So what do we do now?”
“Wanna go back downstairs?”
“No, not yet.” Helga flopped back onto his bed. “I think I just want to rest here for a minute. That took a lot out of me.”
“Okay. Do you want me to give you some space?”
“Nah. Feel free, it's your bed.” she yawned, flicking her hand. “Wake me up in five minutes.” The blankets cradled her in a warm embrace. She felt the bed next to her shift as Arnold laid back down with her. For the first time in years she fell asleep peacefully. Arnold watched her for a long time, studying her face. The years of no sleep showed clearly on her face. While she was still really pretty her eyes were sunken in, her lips a bit dry, and her skin a bit paler than he remembered. It made his hands itch to do something. Slowly he got up and took the blanket off his ottoman and draped it over her. Though her legs were still off the side of his bed. Choking down embarrassment he gently lifted her legs for her to lie more comfortably on his bed. The once tight look that sat on her brow smoothed out into a peaceful grin.
He couldn't help but to smile at the first small step. Quickly he made his way downstairs and explained everything to Gerald and Phoebe omitting the part about her suicidal plan. He explained she was going to stay the night upstairs and asked Phoebe to cover for her which she agreed to quickly. As he made his way around the room he realized what everyone meant in their stories about Helga being different. She was smarter now, nicer. She helped Rhonda in many personal crises over the years, she helped Sid and his parents move apartments, she even helped Herold learn how to write good poetry to impress a girl! He grinned at the person she had become. Talking to everyone else just telling everyone she's been down on herself he brought out an old empty notebook.
One by one he recorded everyone's good memories with Helga, their favorite things about her, and their appreciation for her in their lives. Maybe it wouldn't completely help, but it was a start to help her remember who she was. Once everything was said and done he slipped the notebook into her bag. Before leaving everyone cleaned up the place leaving it better than when they came. Afterwards everyone headed home and wished Arnold good luck. He gave Gerald a look that said he'd call his best friend later.
Slowly he made his way back up to his room. Quietly he opened the door to see her now curled up in his bed, the blanket covering up to her nose. He couldn't help but to look down at her in admiration. He toed across the room to his couch and made a bed for himself. Respecting her boundaries was the most important thing right now. He knew this was only the beginning of her healing. He was just happy to have her again. Glancing back up he smiled as she was the last thing he saw before falling asleep.
Once she woke up the clock next to the bed blinked at 5 am and Arnold was gently shaking her awake. She groaned in protest. This was the first time she's slept so well in years. It felt like she could sleep more for a few years too. Arnold shook her again. Groggily she sat up and rubbed her eyes when she noticed just how close Arnold's face was to hers.
“A-arnold?! What are you doing in my room?”
“Hey… I'm sorry to wake you up. I just thought you should know it’s early and I didn't know if you had a curfew.”
“What do you mean? What happen-” the memories came flooding back. It wasn’t a dream. Everything she thought she dreamed was real life and now she had to deal with the real life consequences. Her cheeks turned bright red when she stared back up at Arnold.
“Shit. Sorry football head, I think I have some very important homework to catch up on!” She whisper-screamed, scrambling out of his bed. “Sorry about yesterday. So I'll just be out of your hair! Bye!”
“Helga! Hold on. Just listen. About everything last night…” he took a deep breath. “I didn't tell anyone or I didn't tell anyone everything. No one knows about the letters or our conversation, just that you were tired and fell asleep. Phoebe knows you're bummed out. That's all I told her.”
Her shoulders relaxed at that. He knelt down to her level. “I promise I won't tell anyone unless you want me to, but you gotta know I'm not just gonna sit back and let you fall apart again.”
“I- uh…thanks football head.”
“Stop calling me that.”
“Right. Thanks Arnold.” She looked away. “So I really made an ass of myself huh?”
“Not at all I appreciate your honesty, even if it's hard to hear. I'd rather you be honest with me than try to hide and pretend to be okay.” He said earnestly.
“Okay.” She smiled. “So how long do I have you until?”
When are you back for real?
He offered his hand and pulled her up. She just noticed he now surpassed her in height by a good few inches now.
“I’m back at the beginning of next summer.” He said, seemingly reading her mind. “Think you can wait until then?”
She smiled back at him. “Yeah I think I just might.”
Over the course of the next few months she burned the letters. With the encouragement from Arnold she finally talked to Dr. Bliss once again. After seeing her after what felt like a long time she broke down and told her everything, but most importantly she told her she wanted to live. From then on she was given antidepressants until “she was at least out of that house.” Behind the scenes Dr. Bliss worked with her teachers to make a plan to make sure Helga would succeed despite her couple of months of poor grades.
Once the medication started to build in her system waking up was a little easier, days had a little more color, and her ease into being grumpy was a bit harder. Slowly she began redoing assignments and finally pulled her grades back up right beside Phoebe's who she no longer blew off in favor of solitude. With Phoebe and Dr. Bliss's support she joined the poetry club and the lacrosse team, just to get her out of the house of course. No other reason.
It took her a while to finally open the notebook, but once she did she regretted not opening it sooner. Page after page was reflections of how all her friends saw her, how they really saw her. She even laughed at a few parts. Like when Rhonda insisted she wasn't giving the clothes she gifted her back. It took her a week total to get through it without crying. Finally getting to the last page she saw Arnold's entry.
Helga,
I know this isn't a cure-all, but I hope it helped at least a little bit. I figured if I felt how you did this would help. You're upstairs sleeping now and I thought I should write down how I'm feeling too. The truth is… I missed you. I missed you so much. San Lorenzo was beautiful and amazing, but I couldn't help but to feel something was missing. I like to think it's you that it's missing. I like how secretly considerate you are, I was told about the boot thing years ago. I like how tough you are, but I love how vulnerable and deep you can be. I love that you will do anything for your friends even if it's against what you want. I love how sarcastically funny you are. I love your poetry. You really have a talent. What I'm meaning to say is I really like you and if you left the world I don't know what I would do. You saved my parents. You gave me a life with them. Let me save you. I'll be back very soon!
Sincerely,
Arnold Shortman
P.S. Write me back dumby!
She laughed and looked up at her calendar. Sure enough, he would finally be home tomorrow. Helga smiled. Her chest felt full as the world regained it's sparkle just a little more.
The End