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You and Beanies are in this dingy burger joint. It's a burger king and there's mold on the walls and one of the windows is broken.
Beanies orders two burgers, some fries and a large soda for the two of you.
"Uh yeah, can I have like a whopper- Two whoppers, a big coke and uh... Small fries."
You ask for a second soda too. You don't know what you'd actually say to get one in this situation and not seem rude, but you want a drink with your burger god damnit! You're pretty sure this meal is going to be out of your pocket too.
"I'd like a medium Sprite, please." You interject.
Beanies hasn't even showered ever since he got kicked out of his lab by the consequences of his irresponsible bioengineering projects. And that's putting it lightly too! Really this bastard could totally afford a hotel room once a week to shower, not that you've seen any hotels around. There must be one... Right? Is that why there's so many homeless people and cats around? Even then! Beanies could use the toilet in this very burger king to wash his dusty moldy bald ninehead. You think you just saw some bug scurry across it. Yikes!
He then turns around and says, "Hey, nutcase. Pay for the meal." And you pull out a couple banknotes out of your wallet to give to the cashier. You then take your order number or whatever, and the two of you go take a seat at a table or whatever.
Where does he even get the money to pay you to do his little 'sidequests'? Surely you think you must be adventure completing him out of his dumpster by now, but Beanies still manages to pay you at least two hundred bucks. And that's when he's not busy huffing gasoline and blackout drinking and cutting lines... All at the same time. On those days you can usually get four or five hundred and a wave of a hand instead.
You're not really pressed for cash either. A bit over four months after waking up on an operating table, you've managed to make a good living for yourself. A large bit of savings and a warehouse full of weird flesh, trinkets, unregistered hypercams, firearms and haunted furniture you haven't found room for in your house.
On the downside both you and your house reek of cat pee and you spend six hours a day just cleaning up the poop and making sure each cat is fed and accounted for. Maybe you should throw out the worse half of them again, just to spend less time running around the house. Because every time you tried to take a day off, you just ended up with more shit to clean and with some of the cats, which you actually cared about, dead.
It gets easier after a while...
Beanies is sitting across from you, picking at something on his rubber gloves. Now he's looking at the window. The weather looks really cloudy today, like it's about to rain. It doesn't rain for now.
"Order F13 is ready!" One of the employees calls out, that's the number of your order. Beanies turns to look at you expectantly and rests his hands on the table. The table looks rather stained to you, really, most things you see around look jinxed in some way. But you just decide to stare at Beanies instead of the table for now.
He tilts his head to the side and raises his eyebrow.
"Aren't you going to get it? I know I'm the most interesting man ever, but I'm about to be the hungriest man ever if you don't hurry it up." He quips.
"Yeah..." You sigh and get up.
After a grueling 3 second journey to the counter, you make it. And you ask for your order: "Can I receive my order F13 please?"
And the employee gives you a tray with the two burgers, a fries and sodas and thank god you ordered a different size of drink, these look fucking identical. Even the liquid inside looks identical, black. Black and sizzling, did they always make black Sprite? You wanted Sprite.
"Uhm, excuse me. I ordered a medium Sprite and you gave me a medium Coca Cola?"
The employee looks at you dead in the eyes, like you're one the sticky brown stains they clean off the toilet floor after remembering that 73% of Boon County's cognisant residents don't actually know how to use a toilet, and says.
"We do not serve Sprite."
"What about 7Up? Do you have that?" You ask in a medium sized voice.
"We do not offer refils." They're just staring at you and it's making you a little uncomfortable. Maybe Burger King soda is not something you want to fight over and die for this day, so you make your way back to your table. You shouldn't think about it too much.
You set the food tray on the table.
You grab a burger and unwrap it. It looks fine actually, at least by the lower than hell food standards you've come to have. The bread looks a little stale, but it's not moldy and only slightly soggy. The lettuce looks fine, definitely soggy. You can't really pick up the smell of the burger, mostly because kitty litter has infused itself into your arms. The meat... Well you think it might've seen better days, might've even meowed this morning, which is really fresh!
You take a bite out of it. The meat was most definitely dry and overcooked... And not from a cow. Oh you haven't eaten a cow in so long. But the taste of the burger is nice overall.
You decide to glance at Dr Beanies. He's chewing it slowly and staring daggers into the burger. You think he doesn't really need to, people came up with forks and knives if he can't be bothered to eat it with hands. That touched this table! Gross!
Beanies then reaches into his mouth with a gloved hand, also his, and pulls out a long thick black hair.
"Ugh, now that's a very long pube if I ever seen one," He says, looking at it. You're just shell shocked, which you really shouldn't be doing this often.
"Which of the employees do you think this one belongs to?" He says as he leans with both elbows on the table and holds the hair between you. Now that you look at it closely, you can certainly tell that it's a pube about three inches in length with a characteristic curliness to it, that makes it stand out among other human body hair. You notice how its thickness is uneven too. Why the hell was it in the burger in the first place? Oh well, you can entertain a thought in your head for a minute.
You put down your burger and think about it, you throw a quick peek towards the cash register people and see a young man picking up orders from some other customer who just came in. Nope, not him, he's ginger.
You look away. There's a girl picking up trash and wiping the tables. She looks actually well kept, has some make up on too. You think she'd be the kind to shave down there, even if she's not seeing anyone. And that she'd be kept far enough from the kitchen for something like this to happen.
You squint and try to peek into the kitchen, you think you can catch the cook flipping burger meat and heating god knows what in the microwave. There's someone tan with a thick moustache, a red hat, red shirt, pair of white gloves and a blue apron. Looks like your guy.
You move a bit closer and try to discretely point towards the kitchen.
"It's probably the Italian cook they have," you answer, then add "He has kitchen access, looks about right. Who's to stop him from putting his pubes into your burger? Or mine?"
"Nice theory there, completely baseless of course." Beanies didn't seem to even look towards where you were pointing.
"But it's actually mine," he grins and winks at you. Then he leans even closer and you have half a mind to lean back. "You wouldn't know it, but pubic hair actually greys waaay later than the hair on your head!"
"What." You think it was funny, but you also just had all your emotion drained out you. So you squirm and think. 'Why would you do that?'
Beanies just leans back and twirls the wrist holding his pube around. "Just a bit of sleight of hands, and you're already swooning." He then points with it at you and smiles in a rather goofy way.
"You're quite fun to tease, if I must say. I haven't had a subject quite like you in years."
You just rub your eyes, if only to distract you from the trainwreck that is what your life has come to be.
Beanies then adds, "Now if only you stopped 'losing'," he makes a strong accent on the word losing, "the inventions I give you in your garbage bin, then maybe I've actually gotten somewhere by now."
Okay, you need to come up with something here, because right now you're just staring at him again. And now there's some rosy blush stalking up upon your face, at least you think it is.
"What are you even doing with the cats I send you, if you left your stuff at the lab?" You decide to ask, anything to move the pl- conversation forward.
Beanies pockets his long ass hair and rubs his hand on his coat. He then says, "Oh! That? I just make soap out of them. You know, boil them add some sodium hydroxide, that's lye for you."
He picks up his burger and starts eating it. Beanies just starts speaking while eating, his voice is muffled slightly and you can see the food getting chewed up in his mouth, "Really it's nothing special, saves me a trip to p-mart and gets rid of the cat." You just nod and take a bite out your own burger. Why were you looking in his mouth? You assumed Beanies would actually do something useful with the cats you give him, but looks like you were wrong. Well not exactly. Can he at least use that soap to wash himself? He swallows the bite.
You then reply, "Usually it's between the street and you for those guys. I've been sending most of them to Tink, but I think I might actually be kitten him out of his RV."
Beanies giggles, as if that pun didn't kill Stacy and all her clones just now. "I saw him last morning trying to kick out like twelve two day old cats out of his place. It was hilarious, he was just lying there and crying. And then you just sent him twenty more kittens, you should've seen the look of horror on his face." Beanies is smiling wide and looking at you.
As he grabs some fries, he licks along the length of one, as if trying to see if it'll kill him, before popping it in his mouth. You reply, "No wonder, he was really red when I came over for the money he owed me. He said he was having a romp with his wife, but I really don't believe him. Have you ever seen her? I swear he goes like 'ooh, you've juuust missed her' waaay too often!"
Beanies takes a sip of his soda and says, "No I think he had a wife- I keep some records on Tink, he definitely had a wife at some point. Might be a little outdated but something wife shaped definitely happened." He then looks around you, as if looking for someone. "Look I'll tell you later okay?" Beanies whispers loudly, then glances out the window, slightly scared.
You decide to take some of his fries, but before they arrive to your face, Beanies grabs your wrist with with his left hand.
"What do you think you're doing? Haven't you been taught to get your own meal?" He says as he squints at you. Heck, his grip is strong.
"You made me pay for the whole thing, Beanies. This is the least I am able to get away with." Your words bite back, and you quickly lean towards your your hand. You successfully manage to bring the destination closer to the starch based salty delight, also known as fries, and stuff your face with them.