Chapter Text
It just happened all of the sudden.
I thought everything was fine. You told me everything was fine. If everything was fine, then why is there a red x on your door whenever I pass your room? Why am I alone in my room when you’re supposed to be here with me? Sitting next to me, cracking a few jokes, being cheerful and all.
The room is silent. Too silent. The silence is making me uncomfortable. What am I even supposed to do now? It’s like I’m missing a limb or something. It’s like I’m missing more than a limb. My organs feel displaced. Do I even have organs? I don’t know, probably not. But it feels like I do.
Being in my room isn’t helping me, but being around others would only make it worse. They would all swarm me like a bunch of bees and spit out their condolences at me. I don’t need their sobby sorries like Kaufmo. Kaufmo might like it. He will like it. Maybe this will give him some attention. I don’t really care, as long as that attention doesn’t get transferred onto me.
I haven’t gotten out of my room in 2 days now. Caine and Ragatha had come multiple times to check up on me. Mostly Ragatha, Caine just stopped by to announce that he had a new adventure. First Ragatha offered to talk. I turned it down. She invited me to Ribbit's funeral. I also turned that down. She invited me for a walk. Once again, I turned it down. I mean, how can she help me? She’s definitely in a bad state as well. After all, Ribbit was also her friend. She’d probably break down in tears if we’d even talk about them. I can’t help her, but she can’t help me either. No one really can.
I’m staring at the pictures. I’m staring at our pictures. Pictures from many adventures. Pictures from when we were just goofing off. Pictures of us being together. I wasn’t focusing on anyone else in those pictures. Not even on myself. All I saw is you. And the thought of only being able to see your face like this terrifies me.
It scares me that the only way I’ll see you ever again is by looking at those pictures. Now, I won’t be able to hold your hand. I won’t be able to hug you, kiss your forehead. I won’t be able to hear your sweet voice echoing through this circus. Through my room and through my ears.
I look at the furthest wall from my bed. It’s just blank, nothing much is going on. It can’t talk to me, it can’t fulfill my needs or sustain my happiness. But it still pushes on me, just like every other 3 walls. Maybe it will squeeze me out of this place. Or maybe I'll just join Ribbit and become another character that has their face crossed out on their door. Everything is spiraling, I can’t think nor breathe. I just want to disappear from here. I don’t care how I just want to be gone.
“Chill…” I felt a warm presence on my left side. I turn my head, but no one is there.
“I’m here…” The presence transferred onto my right side. I can hear her voice. Echoing through the room, vibrating through my ears. I stand up and look around the room like a maniac. She’s here somewhere. Or I’m just finally losing my screws and at any moment I could snap into abstraction. Probably the second option. Her giggles are growing louder and louder. It’s pinning me down against the floor.
“Jax… Jax…”
I’m holding it in my ears like it could cancel out the noise.
“Jax… JAX…”
It feels like I'm losing oxygen as Ribbit's voice is rapidly growing in volume.
“JAX. JAX.”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I barely got up and immediately rushed towards the door. Not turning back. I feel like I’m losing my mind. She died. Why can I still hear her? I just wanted to get away from this insanity and fast.
As soon as I managed to open the door I immediately sprinted out of my room and into the hallway. As I ran further and further her voice grew fainter and fainter. When I made my way into the main area I completely couldn’t hear Ribbit's voice. I was huffing for air and trying to calm down.
“Jax…?” I snap my head and meet the sight of Ragatha. My pupils are constricted as I stare at her. Unlike me, she is very calm unlike me. She has that concerned motherly look on her face. She clearly wants to say something, but nothing comes out of here.
“Did you also hear that?” I mumbled, but at an appropriate volume at which she could hear me. Her expression shifted into confusion. Puzzled and trying to figure out what I mean, I just wave her off.
“Nevermind…” I start walking back towards the hallway.
“Wait…” Ragatha reaches out and grabs my hand, preventing me from moving. “What did you hear?”
I didn’t even look at her. I didn’t want to look at her, nor answer her. Imagine how she’ll react if I say that I heard a dead person's voice. She’d go into a worse insanity then I did! I managed to get my arm out of her grip and just told her. “None of your worries.”
I just continued making my way back to my room. Ragatha didn’t say anything. Even if she did, I didn’t hear it. I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted to be alone. Being alone in the room probably wasn’t the best option, but it's the only option that I can tolerate right now.
I hesitated to open the door to my room, fearing that I would be flooded with a million of her voices. Once I entered, everything was normal. I can't hear any voices, the walls aren’t pressing down on me. Everything is… fine. I get on top of my bed, processing everything that just happened. I’m actually going insane. This place is eating me alive and no one knows about this. I don’t want anyone to know about this. I’d rather die alone than be surrounded by others who are weeping their eyes out to my death.
After some time I noticed a faint green glow on my floor. As it grew brighter, I looked up. And there was Ribbit, standing in front of me, glowing in the darkness of my room. I instantly look away. This can’t be real. This is probably Caine’s doing. This can’t happen naturally. She’s gone. I refuse to believe that the figure that is standing right before me is in any form Ribbit.
“Hey…” She said faintly. At that point I just covered myself with my bedsheets and faced away from here. I wanted to completely block that green light from my eyes and from my mind, but it grew brighter and brighter as if she was approaching me. She didn’t say anything. Instead, she just touched the top of my head through the sheets. I could feel the pressure on top for about a minute, until the green glow completely disappeared.
I removed the sheets from myself and looked around the room which contained no presence of her. I peaked into the hall, hoping that maybe she was there. No signs of her there either. I feel insane, but it all seemed real? Her voice, her presence, her touch… where the hell did she go?
I don’t see the point of searching the whole circus just to find her. It might be one of Caine's creations and I’m just overthinking it. Plus, I don’t want to raise any eyes on me. I don’t want to be known as insane, that’s Kinger’s speciality.
I lay back in the center of my bed looking up at the ceiling. Then I look at the pictures. Then I look at the center of my room, hoping that you will appear again.