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The day had been exhausting as Carina delivered her last baby of her shift. The room was loud and joyous for everyone, but her. Pure joy had not been felt for some time because something always lingered in the back of her mind… well someone. She was just trying to stay focused on what was in front of her, but her mind kept drifting. She couldn't escape the way Maya had looked at her in the hallway. Eyes full of love and worry, as if she was expecting to find out the worst news of her life. And Carina knew it would have been. How ragged Maya's breath had been, the sweat on her body at trying to find her wife. Carina shook her head, allowing the noise to fill her mind.
"Okay, Sara, just one more. I just need one more push."
The woman pleaded with Carina. "I can't."
Before Carina could answer, her husband was there holding her hand. "You can, Babe. Just one more so we can hold our little girl."
Carina's mind flashed to Maya again. A brief instance of what it would be like if she was pregnant. How she would be by Carina's side to the point it would annoy her to no end, but knowing she'd be desperate without her there. The strong grip Maya would have on her hand. How encouraging she would be. She felt a familiar ache in her heart letting her concentration take the front seat to push away the pain.
"That's it, Sara! Push! Push, push, push, push!" A quick hush fell on the room before a small cry came from the baby in her hands. The relief settled, even though the frenzy was still ongoing. She could hear the dad praising his wife which always brought her comfort to see a man in awe of how incredible their wives really were.
"Maya would be in awe of you," said a voice in the back of her head. She shook her head again. "Focus! You need to focus!" They let the new father cut the cord and then Carina called the intern over. He looked a little green which caused Carina to roll her eyes.
"Are you good or do you need to step out?" She asked, her tone harsh.
She watched as Dr. Holder took a deep breath. "I'm good."
"Good." She gave firm instructions on delivering the placenta and allowed it to be his responsibility. Once her patient seemed healthy, she explained that Dr. Holder would check on her later. The smile on her face was rehearsed. It wasn't the first time she had to cover her own sadness.
A nurse handed her an iPad and Dr. Holder followed her out. She was speaking with him when she saw someone shift in her peripheral. He nodded and left. She took a deep breath before turning. Maya was standing there, playing with her wedding ring. Her eyes were still wide and Carina thought she had never seen her look so nervous especially around her.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just… after hearing about the lock down… hearing your voice was the only way I truly knew you were okay. I mean I saw you so I knew, but I just-"
"Maya, I'm too tired for this right now."
Maya nodded. "Of course. I'll um… I'm off shift so if you need me." She wiped her hands against her pants. "Well you know if you need me for anything, you can call… if you want."
Carina stood there, watching, as Maya scratched the back of her neck. She couldn't form words. She felt empty and hollow and-
"Yeah so… I'm glad you're okay and I love you." With that Maya turned and started to walk down the hallway. Carina hated the image of her walking away. It made her want to scream, to pull Maya back into her arms, but she couldn't do it. She wouldn't allow herself to, but the thought of having to go back to that hotel room alone after this particular day seemed insurmountable.
As Carina watched her turn the corner, she couldn't stop herself before calling "Maya!" Her voice a little louder than she meant it to be.
The blonde paused and looked back at her. Carina sighed, following Maya's footsteps. When she reached her, she wanted to fall into her embrace. She wanted to hug her. She wanted the safety and strength that came with Maya Bishop's arms. She felt her hand reach for her, but she stopped herself.
"Thank you for coming," was all she could think to say again. She felt like she had been saying that a lot recently.
"I needed to know you were okay. I was so scared."
Carina nodded. "Me too."
They both stood there awkwardly for a moment. She noticed Maya was about to reach for her before jerking it back by her side. "Are you going to be okay tonight? You could come home and I could sleep on the couch or," Maya paused, shaking her head with a sad smile. "Sorry, that was stupid. You want space. You've made that very clear and I keep showing up." She mostly was talking to herself, looking at the floor. She looked up and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry. I just want to make sure you're safe tonight and-"
"Will you come to the hotel with me?" Carina asked. The want was stronger than the need to push away. Carina couldn't hold eye contact with her, but she took a brief glance. She knew Maya was surprised to say the least, but so was she. She hadn't meant to blurt that out, but the day had shaken her and her body was telling her she needed rest. Even though they were in this weird space of trying to mend, she knew the only way she was going to get relief was to have her wife near her.
Maya's mouth opened and closed a few times before sighing. "Yeah, I can make sure you get there safely."
Carina didn't smile. She just felt the shift of her head going up and down, her mouth closed tight. "Meet me in the parking lot? I just need to get my stuff."
"Yep."
Maya went to turn again, but Carina touched her arm. "No, I want-" Carina took a deep breath. "I don't want to be alone so just come with me. We'll figure it out as we go along."
Maya nodded following Carina down the hall. She knew Maya knew the way to her office, to the parking lot, but she felt the need for a body guard. Nothing would happen if Maya was with her and the worst part was, deep down, she knew Maya would do anything to protect her. If there was another car accident or more bricks, Maya would stand in front of her and protect her at all costs even though she'd never want nor ask for that, but it was what Maya was trained to do. It was how deeply Maya loved her.
She shook the thoughts from her mind as she spoke to herself, gathering her things. Maya was basically an awkward mannequin by the door. She kept her head down as if giving Carina more space. Carina couldn't stand it. It put her on edge and made her want to scream. She hated that Maya looked like a kicked dog when she was the one who caused the issue between them. The one who chose to overlook Carina's needs. The one who was selfish, the one who yelled at her. The one who screamed at her to leave. The lies, the quiet, the running, the sleepless nights she spent alone, the negative pregnancy tests that Maya didn't seem to care about, the turmoil and the agony and the-
Carina felt her jaw locking from gritting her teeth so hard. Maya was also the only person in the world she wanted to be with. The only person that had truly loved Carina for her. Her accomplishments weren't met with how she could do better, but were often celebrated. She missed their comfort, their happiness, their life. Her back was to Maya as she took another settling breath and stood up straight, wincing slightly. She knew Maya had moved, but put her hand out. "I'm okay. Just sore."
Carina felt like her mind was bouncing all over the place. From anger to sadness to grief to loneliness to pain, but she could not find a single ounce of happiness in her circumstance. She had been wanting to see Maya for days, but now that she was here, she couldn't balance her emotions. The hospital bed would be forever etched in mind. All she knew was in this moment, she didn't want to be alone. And she knew she could call Dayna and Peggy or her new friend, Pam or a list of other people, but the laughter would only be temporary, possibly forced and she'd return to her empty hotel room. She was tired of empty spaces.
Carina picked up her phone and headed towards the door. As she passed Maya, she let her hand graze the skin of Maya's wrist. They looked at one another for a moment. "Thank you."
Maya nodded. "You know I'll do anything for you."
Not anything, Carina thought as she closed her office door, wishing the touch of Maya's skin didn't linger on her finger tips. She could feel her all the way down the hall and in the elevator. As they stepped out towards the parking lot, Carina felt like some of the nervousness had left. She felt a little lighter just being in Maya's presence.
"Did you drive or?"
Maya smirked, sadly. "I was coming back from a call and the truck was stuck in traffic due to the shut down so I asked Chief Ross if I could get out and I, uh, I ran the ten blocks to the hospital."
The calming air felt heavy again. She knew Maya was hoping that it would break some of the tension; some grand gesture of love, but it caused sadness to flare in Carina's body. She took another deep breath, letting it settle. She didn't have the energy to argue tonight. "Of course you did. We can take my car and then I can drop you back at the station."
"I could run over there now, if you want, and then just meet you at the hotel."
Carina shook her head. "I want to feel safe, Maya and I only feel that way when I'm with you so," she paused. She felt like crying and felt tears rush to her eyes. "So can you just come with me, please?"
Maya nodded. "Of course, Carina. Whatever you need."
"Okay," Carina whispered, nodding her head in the direction of her car.
They had never been like this before. Carina felt helpless. She usually wanted to fill the space with laughter and joy. This was anything but. They settled into her Porsche and she was content to just sit for a moment feeling relief in her legs and back. She waited until Maya put on her seatbelt before pulling out of the parking space.
Maya chuckled to herself.
"What?" Carina asked, feeling a small smile in her cheeks.
"Do you always back into spaces now or was this a lucky pull through situation?"
Carina rolled her eyes in a playful way. "Pull through, but someone has instilled in me how much easier it is to get out of a parking space when I only have to pull forward."
"She sounds smart."
That pulled at Carina's heart. "When she wants to be."
Maya nodded, looking down at her hands. "She's working on it."
"I know," Carina whispered.
Maya's arm settled on the arm rest next to Carina's. Their hands were usually clasped together over the center console, wanting to touch each other after a long day and Carina felt the itch to do so. At a red light, she noticed how Maya's fingers twitched, wishing to do the same. Carina used her pink to graze the back of Maya's hand. It lasted for a few moments, both women sharing a look.
The quietness lingered all the way to the hotel parking lot until Maya made way to grab Carina's stuff. The dispute only took seconds as Carina truly did not feel like carrying any of it.
"Have you eaten?" Maya asked as they stepped in the elevator.
"No and I'm pretty hungry. You?"
"Yeah. I ate breakfast before the call, but haven't had anything since. I did go to the cafeteria with Pru and Warren, but I don't know… I just wanted to be near you so I found myself back outside the delivery room."
She was trying. Carina knew deep down that Maya was trying so hard, but she just couldn't believe her. She wanted to. She begged herself too, but years of torment with her father had taught her that not everything was as it seemed. Carina knew that Maya was still seeing Diane. That Diane thought she was doing better and working hard for them and yet Carina still didn't believe she was important enough. That her and their possible child would always be second and third in Maya's life because the captaincy was the only thing that mattered to Maya Bishop.
"I'm glad you waited and it was… is good to see you."
"I've missed you, Carina."
"I know." She bit her own tongue at her rudeness, but it just felt too much. She was suffocating in the small space and debated whether having Maya there was a good idea or not. She practically pushed the doors apart once they reached her floor. And Maya once again followed, holding her stuff.
"We can order room service, if you want," Carina suggested.
"Sure."
"The menu is by the television. I'm going to go take a shower, but I'll take whatever the soup of the day is and a salad. Do you mind ordering?"
"No, that's fine. It should be here when you get out."
Carina chewed on the inside of her cheek and nodded. She slowly crossed the room, picking some stuff up and gathering her pajamas. It saddened her knowing that Maya had seen her naked a million times, but for the first time she didn't feel comfortable being vulnerable. She didn't want Maya's eyes on her body.
Once she entered the bathroom and put a door between her and the woman she was desperately in love with, she felt her body relax. She turned on the water and waited for it to heat up as she started to undress. As soon as she stepped under the hot water, her body fully let go. And as she stood there, she felt the weight of the day and a sob fell through before she could stop it.
The day had scared her, truly terrified her. The brick felt almost innocent in comparison to the car accident. Watching two people get hit by a car would now be forever embedded into her memory. And then her wife. Her wife had been so scared that she ran all the way to the hospital to make sure she was okay and then memory after memory of Maya Bishop flooded her mind as she felt herself completely lose control. She sat on the floor with her knees pulled up to her chest trying so hard to muffle the sound of her crying. She wasn't sure how long she had been in there once the water started to turn cold. There was a quick knock, which caused her jump. She got up as quickly as possible.
"Food's here!" Maya said through the door.
Carina didn't respond as she quickly washed her hair and body, hoping she could shed all the trauma from the day down the drain. She did her best to shake it off as she slipped into her t-shirt and pajama pants followed by the robe on the back of door.
Maya's eyes were so hopeful when she stepped out. She had laid out the dishes on the desk. "I didn't know where you liked to eat, but if you want to sit where you like to, I can bring it to you or I can-"
"The bed is fine," Carina said, grabbing the small bowl of soup and carefully sitting on the edge, tucking her feet under her. She noticed Maya looking around for a place to sit. Every chair was occupied by something Carina had thrown on it. "You can sit on the bed too, Maya."
"Okay," she nodded, giving Carina her space, sitting on the opposite end.
The silence continued as Carina tried to think of something to say. She knew Maya kept looking at her. Before she could say anything, Maya sighed. "Do you want to talk about what happened today?"
And Carina did, she really did because talking to Maya always made her feel better, but she felt herself shaking her head, concentrating on her salad as if it was the most interesting display of food she had ever seen. She eventually found her voice, wanting anything to fill the space. "How was your day," she paused, looking at Maya, "before you heard about the lock down?"
"Yeah, it was okay. I was in a cave when the call came through."
"A cave?"
"Yeah, influencers."
"Stupidio."
"Indeed," Maya laughed.
Carina smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Did you get them out?"
"Yeah. It was a good call."
"Good." Carina took a bite. "We're they annoying? It seems like it would have been annoying."
"She was, yes. Seeing someone obsessed with their phone like that? Our kids aren't getting phones… I mean, if… or when. Sorry. I-"
"It's okay. I'm not in the mood to talk kids, but I agree. They'll eventually have to have them, but no influencing."
"Yeah," Maya smiled. Carina shared it. "So yeah getting her out of the cave was a pain because it was a small hole to fit her through and she kept trying to reach for it. I thought I was going to fall down it a few times. Her boyfriend seemed pretty normal though. Kept telling her how stupid it was to be worried about her phone. You can probably watch it somewhere. It was live streamed."
"The whole time?"
"Yeah."
Carina shook her head. "It's incredible how life is so not important to people and a tiny device and likes are more important. It's so-"
"Stupido."
Carina chuckled. "Yeah."
"I feel like karma caught up though. He dumped her, realizing all of this wasn't worth it."
"Ah so one person was smart."
"Yeah." Maya wiped her fingers off on a thin napkin. "You sure you don't want to talk about it?" Maya tried again. "It had to be a pretty scary thing."
Her head reacted first, shaking it. "What's wrong with you?" Her heart pleaded, but her brain had always been sharp and she knew she couldn't allow herself to fall back into her. She knew the cycle. She'd grown up with the cycle and she didn't want to live on eggshells with Maya, no matter how much she loved her.
"I'm too tired to talk about it."
"Okay," Maya whispered. "Well I'm here if-"
"I know, Maya." Carina's hand itched to take her hand, to run her fingers over her knuckles in reassurance. Instead, they stared at each other for a moment. "I don't understand why people care so much."
"About?"
"What other people do?"
"Everyone thinks their opinion is the correct one and refuse to see eye to eye. Kind of like how I thought what I was doing was right when I clearly have years of trauma to go through."
Carina hummed. "I mean you're not alone there. I just wasn't expecting to have to protect people from bricks."
"Bricks?"
"That's what caused the shutdown, well that and the protesters, but seeing two people get hit by a car… I can't get it out of my mind."
"Can I do something to distract you?"
"What? Like sex," Carina joked.
Maya looked mortified. "That's not what I-"
"Maya, I'm joking. You're already distracting me."
"What do you mean?"
"You're here. I don't have to think about it because you're here. When you're with me, I feel myself able to escape my memories no matter how awful. It's why I asked you to come."
Maya nodded before busying herself, cleaning up their food and placing the tray of dirty dishes outside the door, letting Carina's words soak into her. She came back in, her hands clasped together, looking for a task to do because she wasn't sure how to read the room. Carina pulled the covers back and got settled.
"Okay, so I think I'll head out," Maya said, gesturing to the door.
"You don't have to."
"I don't want to cramp your space."
"Please stay for a little while longer," Carina pleaded.
Maya smiled again, shyly. "Okay. Since you're tired and I'm assuming, done with talking?" Carina nodded. "What about a movie?"
"Sure," Carina answered, handing the remote to Maya, not wanting to choose. Carina got comfortable on her back, closing her eyes for a moment. She felt the bed dip next to her. She turned on her side, looking at her wife. Maya was concentrated on the television, sitting on the edge, making sure her boots didn't touch the comforter.
"You can take off your boots, you know."
Maya froze for only a moment. "I didn't want to assume… and honestly, I've been wearing these all day. I'm not sure what's inside would be a pleasant smell. I'm okay."
"Maya, you can be comfortable. I want you to be comfortable. You can take a shower if you want or wash your feet or whatever, but I didn't ask you to come with me to just be on high alert. I want you to relax with me. I want," she paused. She wanted her wife back. She wanted their life together. She wanted her own bed and bedroom and apartment. She wanted Maya. "I want to be in the same space with you. I have clean socks if you want."
Maya didn't say anything as she slowly untied her boots, sighing a little at having the weight off them off. She still chose to sit on the edge of the bed, as far away from Carina as possible.
Carina rolled her eyes. "You don't have to sit all the way up there either. You can sit back here with me." Maya scooched back, keeping one foot on the floor as she scrolled through the channels. Carina couldn't help, but notice how healthy Maya looked. She could tell her foot wasn't swollen and that she looked less gaunt. Her eyes weren't as dark nor were her muscles as pronounced. There were a few bruises and cuts, but most likely from her day in the cave. She was hydrated, her skin glowed. She looked radiant. She looked like her Maya.
"If you walk out that door, we are done." Carina winced at the memory.
"How does this look?"
Carina was still looking at Maya. "It looks fine." When Maya glanced in her direction, she quickly turned her head. Carina watched as the blush went from her neck up into her cheeks. The urge to touch Maya only grew stronger so she lowered her head, looking at the television. Maya had settled on some melodrama since they always enjoyed watching bad movies. It tugged at Carina's heart. It felt so normal. Everything since she first saw Maya at the hospital had been done for her. Carina didn't stop herself this time when she reached out to touch Maya's arm. Maya looked down first. Carina knew they both felt the electricity between their touch.
"Thank you," Carina whispered.
Maya shook her head. "For what?"
"For being here and making sure I was okay."
"I'll always make sure you're okay."
Carina nodded, allowing her thumb to swipe over Maya's forearm a few times before letting go. She wanted to inch closer, to be consumed by Maya's scent, sweat and all, but she pulled the comforter over her shoulder, turning her attention back to the television. She felt the weight of the day slowly dissipate as her eyes started to flutter shut. She didn't know Maya was still looking at her.
"Should I go?" Maya whispered, not wanting to disturb her wife.
Carina shook her head. "Stay. Please, Bambina."
"Okay." Carina drifted off. The last thing she heard was an even softer whisper from Maya. "I love you, Carina." The smallest smile managed to slip through her shield.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Carina stirred in sleep after hearing a few girls laughing loudly in the hallway. Most likely after a night of drinking. She waited until she heard their door close before getting comfortable again. For the first time in what felt like months, Carina was warm. It was pleasant as she buried her face in the familiar neck she loved the smell of. Those arms strong around her back, holding her. Carina stretched a little before the grip on her back tightened.
The scent was so familiar and comforting. After a while she noticed a slight discomfort. The comforter seemed stuck and she was unable to koala her whole body against this warmth. She slowly blinked her eyes open, quickly remembering where she was and who she was with. The sun was just starting to come up and the room was illuminated with pinks and oranges. She let herself stay there, looking up at Maya. She couldn't remember the last time she saw her wife sleeping so peacefully. Before it seemed like every night Maya was fighting even in her sleep. Thrashing on some nights, kicking on others. She hadn't slept in Maya's arms in months and she had missed every second of it. Her breath, her scent, her strength.
She looked down noticing Maya never actually got under the covers. Even after falling asleep, Maya had given her space. She didn't test any waters. She had asked for it and Maya was still giving it to her. She wondered when she had drifted over. If Maya had even been aware of it. She didn't think Maya had considering how she was laying above the comforter most likely falling asleep during the movie and only waking enough to turn it off before settling on her side.
Carina wanted to stay, hoping when Maya woke up she would realize it had all been a dream and it was actually back to the end of COVID, celebrating on that rooftop with 19, or the happiness of just getting her green card or the few times they tried to make a baby. Anytime before the blackmail, before the absence of Maya, the avoidance, the pain… the hospital. The room felt cold again so Carina shifted. Maya's grasp broke and she was able to back away to the other end of the bed. She watched as Maya adjusted to the loss of her body, but her hands settled under her head. No shiver from the cold room. Peaceful.
Carina laid there staring at the woman she was so desperately in love with. Trying to get every answer out of Maya's sleeping form she wanted to ask. The words of Diane Lewis played in her head. "She's not doing that for the job. She's doing that for you. For both of you." She replayed their relationship together - the laughter, the ease, the sex, the fights - as the sun rose higher in the sky. She wasn't sure how much time had passed or how long she had been staring at her wife, but her alarm alerted her to the time. She quickly shut it off, turning her back to the sleeping figure, heading towards the bathroom. She ignored the longing in her body, the want to wake up Maya by pressing their lips together. She wanted her wife back. And in the stillness of the bathroom, her back against the door, she whispered the words that she had long to say to her wife for months, "I love you too, Maya."