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Dally should’ve listened to everyone who warned him about Sylvia. The first year they’d known each other was difficult, but fine. He’d try to help, and she’d yell and get suspicious and scared, but he’d expect that. If some stranger had saved his life and then taken care of him and let him stay with them for seemingly no reason, he’d be fucking suspicious too. Once they’d gotten to one year of knowing each other, she’d eased up a little, which is honestly quicker than he’d been expecting. It’s not like he’d done anything since their first meeting to truly prove he cares for her. Which, he’s not even sure if he does. Does he truly love her or does he only love the idea of saving someone so like him; so like his mom-
But now Dally knows better. He knows he should’ve listened. Know’s he should’ve run for the hills. Because two weeks ago, Sylvia almost killed him. Dally feels like he’s starting to rot. He let her in, gave her his love, his trust, his food, his bed, damn-near everything. And she damn-near killed him. He feels like a fucking fool. Of course she’d hurt him; he sees himself and his mother in her. He should’ve known. He should’ve known he should’ve known he should’ve known he should’ve known he should’ve known he should’ve-
Sylvia and him used to get into bad fights before, but they’re vicious now. He says things he regrets but will never take back, and Syl says things she’ll never regret but will always take back. She swings so intensely between making him lose control, and trusting him to help her during an episode, and he doesn’t fucking know what to do. How does he fix someone who only wants to be fixed forty percent of the time? If he could, he’d take her hurt and put it in himself - he’d be just as hurt as he is now, but at least one of them would feel better. Like this, they’re both getting hurt, and for what? For nothing. For fucking nothing.
And she’s so damn paranoid. If she calls Bucks from somewhere and he doesn’t answer, she’s accusing him of cheating as if they don’t break up all the time because she does that shit. She shakes him awake almost every night, yelling at him for crimes he only committed in her dreams. If he forces water down her throat, she’s mad at him. If he doesn’t, she’s sobbing and crying. It’s like she’s dying in front of him, and trying to take him down with her, and this time he can’t bring her to a clinic. He can’t pump her stomach and make things better. He can’t just say some fancy, vulnerable words that’ll help her. He can’t strong-arm her into getting up. He’d never say it out loud, but he wishes so fucking badly that someone, anyone would help him.
But he chased them all away. Tim’s been distant since he got with Syl. Darry wouldn’t know what to do. Mrs. Curtis…He can’t do that to her. Can’t place this burden on her. No one will reach a hand to him. No one will know what to do. Dally wonders if this is how Syl feels all the time. Like no one will understand, and even if they could, they won’t reach out. Dally’s always only had himself to rely on, but now it feels so much different because he could’ve had someone to rely on. If he’d listened, or not argued with them when they’d talk about Syl. Maybe he could’ve made them understand him and her, and they’d be able to help Dally and Sylvia both. But there’s no point in ‘maybe,’ now. Dally has only himself to blame, and only himself to point a finger at.