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“Ernst, I’ve loved you for years, and I’ll do anything fo-.”
A knock at the door pulled Ernst out of his daydream. He should’ve known it was too good to be true, no matter how hard he tried. Regardless, there was someone at the door, and that fact wasn’t going to change.
The knocking became more frantic, and it occurred suddenly to him that it was raining outside. He launched off the couch, nearly tripping over his own feet. He ripped open the door, greeted by an angry, dripping wet, hot mess of a boy. Hanschen. Ernst grimaced, opening the door more and letting his best friend in and out of the rain.
“Sorry about that,” Ernst said. “I was a bit preoccupied.”
“Obviously. I take it your parents aren’t home? Your mother would’ve opened the door for me.” Hanschen responded sarcastically.
“Well, obviously my mom likes you better than I do.”
“Yeah, you just tolerate me because I’m easy on the eyes.”
Ernst laughed. Hanschen winked at him and placed his backpack on the floor. He slipped his shoes off, tossing them onto the ever-growing pile beside the door.
“So is it still math, or do you need help with something else?” Hanschen asked, pulling a notebook out of his bag.
“I have an essay to write today, but only a few math problems. It shouldn’t be too bad, though.”
Hanschen rolled his eyes. “You say that every time, Ernst. I have the whole afternoon to spend here because I’m an embarrassment, apparently.” he said, migrating to the couch and lying down.
Ernst coughed loudly. “What happened? Did he try to fight you again?”
Hanschen shook his head. Ernst sat on the couch, leaning on Hanschen’s knees and pouting. “Hansi, you’re not an embarrassment. Your dad is just a straight up homophobe.”
The other boy sat up quickly and swallowed. “Do you want to start with the essay or the math?”
“Hansi-”
“Please, Ernst, drop it, okay? It’s not important.”
“Sorry.”
There was an awkward silence, neither of the boys daring to look at each other. Ernst started to open his mouth, but his breathing suddenly hitched in his throat. The silence was deafening and an unwelcome threat of terror exploded in his mind. Does Hanschen hate me? Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, blurring his vision. This is irrational. The walls grew threatening. Ernst’s breathing became ragged, each burst of oxygen felt as if it was tearing through his body. He stared straight ahead, scared out of his mind.
“Hanschen?” he whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Am I dying?”
“What?”
“I feel like I’m dying.”
The words hit Hanschen like a ton of bricks.
“Shit, okay. Um, is it a panicky kind of dying?”
“I don’t know. I-” His voice caught in his throat, the tears flowing freely now.
“Okay, I used to get panic attacks. Do you think it might be that?”
Ernst shrugged.
“Do you need a hug?”
Ernst nodded, turning towards Hanschen, who had pushed himself against the arm of the couch. He motioned for Ernst to lie by him, all concerns of personal space gone. He pulled the boy close, his fingers trailing up and down Ernst’s back. The quiet sobs slowly faded until Ernst’s breathing had returned to normal. By the time Hanschen finally spoke, an hour had passed.
“You okay now?”
The only reply Hanschen received was a light snore. He smiled, totally content.
---
Ernst’s attacks leveled out eventually. He figured out how to handle them with help from Hanschen, and they didn’t affect him too badly. When they did get bad, Hanschen was there without a second thought. Unfortunately for Ernst, all that extra time spent against each other only added to his overwhelming mountain of feelings for Hanschen.
------
Hanschen was bored out of his mind. The only thing getting him through this was the fact that this was free dinner without any guilt. Bobby Maler had suspiciously begged him for a second chance, which Hanschen promised himself wasn’t going to happen, but he offered a dinner date at a fancy restaurant, and Hanschen couldn’t resist free food. He was, however, regretting this decision, as Bobby was incredibly boring and only talked about himself. His phone buzzed once in his pocket. Hanschen ignored it, brushing it off as a notification from Twitter or something. The buzzing became more frantic, and then he was getting a call. He told Bobby to hold on and looked down.
His stomach dropped. On the display screen was Ernst. He never called anyone; it gave him serious anxiety.
“Give me a minute, okay? It’s a friend.” Hanschen said, getting up and walking outside.
“Ernst? What’s wrong, are you okay?”
There was heavy breathing and broken sobs from the other end.
“H-hanschen?”
“Shit. Hold on, I’ll be there in 5 minutes, okay?” he paused. “Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?”
“N-no, just… g-get here s-safe.”
“Okay. I’m hanging up now. I’ll be there in 10 minutes, tops. Take deep breaths.”
Hanschen ended the call and walked quickly back to the table.
“This has been incredibly boring, Maler. Thanks for dinner, but you can go fuck yourself. Bye!” he said, louder than he wanted. Some diners close by turned to glare at him. He didn’t care. His mind was focused on getting to Ernst.
Thankfully, Hanschen had met Bobby at the restaurant, refusing to let him come anywhere near his house.
He sped through the street, faster than he should’ve, mindlessly following his near-daily route. The image of a sobbing Ernst curled up in his closet flashed through his mind. He arrived in 7 minutes. He found the spare key under the rug, unlocked the door, and raced up the steps. He slowed down as he neared Ernst’s door, slowly turning the handle and stepping inside. Ernst’s bed was a mess: the blankets and sheets draped over the edges, all trailing towards the closet. Hanschen heard quiet whimpers coming from the small space and sighed. He slowly opened the door.
Ernst was curled up, staring blankly ahead, tears freely flowing down his face. Hanschen sat against the wall, shutting the door behind him.
“What do you need?” Hanschen asked quietly, careful not to frighten him.
Ernst didn’t respond. Hanschen tapped the boy’s leg, getting his attention. Ernst looked up at him and gestured to his ear, implying he had taken out his hearing aids and couldn’t hear him. Hanschen nodded.
“What do you need?” he repeated.
“Just… hold me.” Ernst signed slowly, moving towards Hanschen and wedging himself between the blonde’s shoulder and the wall. Hanschen wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling him closer. Ernst let the tears flow, just glad to have the human contact.
He ended up lying with his head on Hanschen’s chest, listening to his heart and breathing with him. Ernst’s breathing slowly steadied, along with his sobs. When he looked up at Hanschen’s face, he was overcome by a sudden wave of adoration. He was so… peaceful. He looked so content to be lying in a closet with his best friend. His lips were slightly open and curled up at the corners. Ernst surged forward and placed a quick kiss on them
Hanschen’s eyes shot open.
Ernst scrambled away. Hanschen sat up quickly.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry, I just-”
Hanschen grabbed his hands and held them for a moment, looking at the carpet beneath them. He looked back and stared at Ernst for a moment, then he leaned in and kissed him.
Ernst could’ve died right then and there.
Thankfully, he didn’t. He did, however, practically melt into Hanschen.
Ernst smiled, pulling away briefly to get a handle on himself. Hanschen signed something that Ernst didn’t catch.
"What?"
“Nothing, nevermind.”
“Hanschen, please, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I love you, that's all."
Ernst nodded, satisfied. Then Hanschen’s words hit him like a bullet, and he pulled the blond in for another kiss. Hanschen pulled away this time, quickly signing a question.
“Does that mean the feeling is mutual?”
Ernst damn near screamed.
“Yes, Hansi. Just kiss me again, you dork.”
Hanschen happily obliged.
They stayed there for the rest of the night, just drinking in the bliss of the tiny closet.
----
Years later, Ernst would ask where Hanschen was before he arrived. Hanschen would reluctantly admit he was with Bobby, but immediately follow it with “only for free food! I swear, I was thinking about you the whole time!”