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hey. it’s been a while. you’ll never see this because my pride refuses to bow to you but…
i miss you.
even after all this time, after all the ways you’ve wronged me-
i still think about you. wondering how you’ve been, what you’ve been up to, if you’ve been eating well, if you’re finally taking care of yourself and going to bed early.
if… you’ve also been thinking about me.
these thoughts are especially strong and rampant in the ungodly hours of night, when sleep dulls my logical inhibitions and my emotions run wild. i think about everything i shouldn’t do, everything my friends and family would kill me for entertaining after everything that’s happened…
yet, they reoccur.
the longer the night stretches, the less i remember the reasons behind our separation. the more time i spend without you, the more i find myself longing for your presence again.
the more words i write, the more my eyes well up in tears
and the more i want to run to you again.
you’ve won in every way i didn’t want you to. at last you have rendered me irreparable; my heart aches at the briefest mention of you, and my mind spirals at the sight of seeing you slowly but surely pull away, even though i was the one that did so first.
all of the signs that you still consider and love me are disappearing, and i hate it. because secretly, i don’t want you to leave.
but it’s better for you. for the both of us.
i tell myself, slowly regretting the words i’ve said to you that night. truthful as they were, they’ve carved this rift between us, and have surely inflicted unimaginable pain upon you.
and i could not admit it wasn’t my intention. to hurt, to punish, to make you realize and feel the gravity of the situation — to make you ache for me the way i’ve been hurting because of you.
but still, i tell myself you didn’t deserve it. that i could’ve curbed my rage, that i should’ve dulled the sharpness of my words.
in your own twisted way, you were trying your best. you’ve made sacrifices of your own for me, and your efforts have granted me many unforgettable memories. they shimmer like the stars and meteors in the night sky, the same ones we beheld together in the back of your car, gentle but still enduring behind the stormcloud of black emotion that fogs my mind.
still, if i squint i can glimpse them between the wisps, weak but flickering still, rekindling the hope that this too, shall all pass.
because despite everything
i still love you.
when we meet again, the blossoms would’ve all but vanished, the wind carrying those scattered petals to the corners of the world. and perhaps your heart might’ve gone with it, but…
promise me that you, too, will remember us in the happiest of moments
the us that watched the world together, the us that once believed in forever.
please. it’s the only promise i hope you’ll keep.
for the “us” that no longer exists.