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It’s late morning, and Shane is lounging on the couch with his head in Ilya’s lap. As sportscasters drone on the TV, Ilya sifts idle fingers through Shane’s hair.
“Clearly you haven’t been online today.” Shane comments casually, breaking their comfortable silence.
“Hm? What makes you say that?”
Between the two of them, Ilya’s definitely the one more tuned in to internet culture. Shane tilts his head back, craning at an awkward angle. He’s wearing the relaxed grin Ilya only ever sees when they’re alone.
"Because if you saw the picture I posted, there’s no way you wouldn’t have said something by now.”
He lets his head fall back in place, attention returning to the TV as Ilya racks his brain to figure out what the fuck he’s talking about.
Shane posted something…interesting? Provocative? Most of his social media presence consists of professional shit, like team photoshoots reposted from the Centaurs’ Instagram account, or sponsored content he gets paid a ridiculous amount of money for.
But, since his and Ilya’s relationship went public a few years ago, Shane has branched out a little more when it comes to social media. He’s finally comfortable enough to sprinkle in glimpses of his personal life, and fans lap it up every time.
The gears in Ilya’s head crank slowly, sorting through recent conversations for some clue about what Shane might have posted today. When he can’t find the answer through sheer force of will, he finally opens Twitter to see for himself.
And there, right smack dab in the middle of his phone screen, is his husband. His husband in nothing but tight underwear, showing off his muscles and smiling somewhat shyly for the camera.
Shane Hollander ✅ @shanehollander24
You can’t go wrong with the best. @calvinklein boxers are breathable and easy to move in. #ad
Ilya stares at the picture, memorizing every detail like it’s going to vanish before his eyes at any moment.
“…Shane?” He asks, focus still locked on his phone.
“Yes?”
He’s trying to sound innocent, but Ilya can hear the smile in his voice. He’s being a tease, and he knows it.
“When the fuck did you do a Calvin Klein photoshoot?”
Shane laughs, clearly proud to have gotten one over on his famously troublemaking husband.
“Months ago. I wanted it to be a surprise! Do you like it?”
Ilya’s jaw tightens, and he feels his own boxers start to do the same.
“Like it?” He asks. “Shane. Do you see yourself? My husband is…I don’t even know what! A model. A porn star. Second hottest man alive.”
Shane rolls his eyes at that, and Ilya leans in to kiss him. Shane pulls back, shaking his head with a stupidly sexy smirk.
“Not right now, Ilya. I’m watching the game.”
He turns back around, leaving Ilya to glare at the back of his head. He’s fully aware that Shane is trying to bait him into sex, but…two can play at this game. He huffs out a puff of air and resolves to make Shane come to him.
“Fine. Watch your stupid hockey game, sweetheart. I will keep looking at my new favorite picture.”
As Shane readjusts to get comfortable again, Ilya opens the replies to the Calvin Klein photo to leave a comment of his own. Before he can, he’s distracted by the replies already there.
Jasmine😽 @jasmineslifeinpics
He could pick me up and throw me around no problem #noticing
Anna Banana 🍌@stillinsuperhell
Release the naked pics, I know you have them
go cens! 🏳️⚧️ @lucahaasarmy
munch munch munch yum yum yum
⭐️@user1236839308
😋😋😋😋
mrs alice cullen 👩❤️💋👩 @flightlessbird
Brb paying an Etsy witch to place a hex on his marriage
Slut for Hollander @fuckthemetr0s24
shane bulge pics??? on my timeline?? god is real and she loves me
#1 Scott Hunter stan @dilfscotthunter
I don’t even go here but MMMMMMMMMMM
Ilya frowns. That's enough; it's time to mark his territory.
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov81
Thank you Calvin Klein 🙏🏻👀❤️ my husband makes perfect model
There. That should send a pretty clear message. Ilya almost clicks out of Twitter, but a nagging curiosity keeps him in the app. He ventures further down on Shane’s profile. Sure enough, the next thing he sees is a fucking brand deal from a few weeks back.
Shane’s fully clothed in this one, holding a sports drink in his hand and smiling widely. He’s also drenched in sweat from a run, face and shoulders glowing red from exertion.
Shane Hollander ✅ @shanehollander24
When I need to power up, I grab a Lion’s Mane. The blueberry flavor is my favorite. @lionsmaneenergy #ad
Ilya finds himself smiling at the post, thoroughly charmed by Shane’s boring caption. The top comment is from Ilya himself:
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov81
I like this drink too. Always makes you taste like blueberries 🫐😏
He scrolls through the other replies, prepared to hunt for thirsty ones, but it turns out he doesn’t have to search long at all.
Lion’s Mane ✅ 🦁 @lionsmaneenergy
Looking good, Shane!
Maya 🔮🪄 @mayastarotreadings
Daddy? Sorry. Daddy? Sorry.
Katie 🦋 @bylerbaby
I want to lick the sweat off of his skin omg who said that
phan is forever @vivisnotonfire
his dick would fix me I know it would
Venus ⭐️⭐️⭐️ @matchingwounds
Do you think he’d talk me through it
lucky beginner 🤡@ifeellikeimphoebe
@matchingwounds talk you through WHAT baby that’s a bottom
Ethan Roswell @ethanwashere
He just keeps getting finer and finer
averie (taylor’s version) 💚@faithforgottenland
Tears run down my thighs or whatever sabrina said
Ilya takes a deep breath. The thought of other people fantasizing about Shane makes his skin crawl, even if some of them seem to be half-joking.
He’s fucking married. You can see his wedding ring in the picture. Ilya thinks bitterly.
As soon as the angry thought sneaks into his head, he tries as hard as he can to shove it out. Jealousy is a stupid, useless emotion, and Ilya is too strong-willed to let it bother him. So what if Shane is objectively stunning, and people are allowed to publicly salivate over his pictures whenever they want? That’s totally fine.
Exiting the reply section, Ilya keeps moving through Shane’s profile. Most of it is pretty tame: Shoe brand deal, boring team picture, tweet about this year’s hockey camps, razor brand deal, the sweetest most beautiful dog in the world, a picture of Hayden and J.J. singing karaoke, a picture of Yuna, a picture of a smoothie, and a tweet about the Irina Foundation.
Just when Ilya’s about to close the app again, he finds another picture of Shane. In this one he’s standing on a beach, his body angled away from the camera and toward the ocean. Poised on either side of him are Jade and Ruby Pike, each clinging tight to one of his hands.
Shane Hollander ✅ @shanehollander24
To the girls who made me an uncle. Happy birthday ❤️
Hayden Pike ✅ @haydenpike
Showed the twins this post and now they won’t stop asking when you’re visiting again (love you buddy)
Jackie Pike 🫶🏻 @jackieeeee_6
The best uncle ever!! 💕💕💕
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov81
@jackieeeee_6 ahem
Jackie Pike 🫶🏻 @jackieeeee_6
@IlyaRozanov81 sorry. It’s a tie ❤️
Those comments are perfectly normal. The ones below them? Not so much.
Maddy @maddybwraps
Is it possible to get pregnant from a picture
Dani 💋@jeguluswhore
pike/hollander friendship you will ALWAYS be famous
proud centaurs stan 🤩@boodramsleftskate
kind of want him to strangle me with those huge arms
Ellie Maxwell 🎀@elliemaxwell22
HIS BACK MUSCLES 😭😭😭 ilya rozanov you greedy motherfucker
alexis 🏑@hollanderssidepiece
Shane regularly posting on social media is NOTTTT good for my health 🤤
Ilya’s frown deepens. At this point, he’s actively resisting the urge to reply to every thirst comment with “mine”. He scrolls past a few more boring brand deals, electing not to skim the replies, before landing on a post he’s tagged in.
In this picture, Shane and Ilya are standing by the sink in David and Yuna’s kitchen. Shane is grinning for the camera, but Ilya is turned away and smiling directly at his husband.
Shane Hollander ✅ @shanehollander24
My best friend ❤️ I love you so much it sucks
Once again, Ilya’s own reply is at the very top.
Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov81
я тебя люблю ❤️ but Anya is my best friend
At the time Shane posted this, Ilya had been so thrilled with the public declaration of love that he didn’t spare a thought about what other people might be saying. He glances through the replies now, sure they’ll be a little less rabid on a post about Shane’s literal husband. No such luck.
troy barrett apologist ⛸️ @gocentaurs4ever
You’re laughing. The hottest man in the league is married to Ilya Rozanov and you’re laughing.
Recovering metros fan @onlyherefor24
stared at this for five minutes before I even noticed r*zanov was in it
Hayden Pike ✅ @haydenpike
Your best what now?
alexis 🏑@hollanderssidepiece
Hollander speaks French, I bet he’d love a trip to Paris 🤤💁🏻♂️💁🏽♀️💁🏼♂️
Harris 🏳️🌈 @harrisdrover
So we’re posting Ilya’s heart eyes on main now, huh?
og hollander stan @shanesstanleycup
SO FUCKING HOT ASHSBSBS…oh hey ilya didn’t see you there
buzz buzz buzz 🐝 @lottieleenation
#needthat
“This is ridiculous.” Ilya mutters, finally setting the phone down for his own sanity.
Shane had been fully immersed in the game on TV, but now he twists around to look at Ilya again.
“What is? The ref definitely made the right call.”
Ilya shakes his head.
“Not that. You! Your Twitter replies. They are full of people pretending you aren’t married! I think I will murder them.”
After taking one last look at the TV, Shane sits up and faces Ilya. He looks serious.
“You’re reading my comments? We agreed not to do that, remember?”
At the time, Ilya thought the agreement was more about avoiding homophobic comments than about shielding himself from his husband’s swarm of horny fans.
“Yes. Sorry. Was curious.” He picks up his phone and scrolls to the next picture on Shane’s account.
“Did you know evavazquez44 wants to ‘eat dinner off of’ your ass? This is what she writes on picture of you doing yoga.”
Shane’s face goes red.
“That’s…okay. That’s weird. Stop reading these.”
Ilya shrugs, though he feels anything but nonchalant right now. There’s something unpleasant burning inside him, a mix of indignation and hot shame.
“I’m just sizing up the competition. Like we do with new players, да? Is simple.”
He means for this to come off as a joke, but Shane frowns like it’s something deadly serious. He leans in, holding Ilya’s face and angling it toward himself.
“Hey. You know there’s no competition, right? Those comments are just white noise to me. Mom says to leave them on for engagement, but they don’t matter at all.”
Ilya looks away, suddenly wishing he’d never broached this topic in the first place. Of course there’s no competition. He knows that.
“I never felt this before you.” Ilya admits. “This…jealousy. Wanting you all to myself. Before, I could sleep with a girl and see her text another man after, and I would not care.”
Shane tilts his head to one side, smiling sympathetically.
“Well, yeah. You weren’t in love with those girls.” He says matter-of-factly. “That’s why you didn’t marry any of them.”
Ilya nods. Indifference used to make him feel powerful, like other guys were weak-willed pussies and he was a machine built for hockey and sex. If only his younger self could see him now, pouting on the couch because internet strangers find his famous husband attractive.
“I should not care what other people say about my husband.” He says evenly. “You are not an object. I do not own you.”
Shane brushes a thumb over Ilya’s cheek. He nods along as he speaks to show he’s listening.
“I’m not an object.” He agrees. “But I am yours. All yours. I think jealousy is normal. You know I get jealous sometimes.”
Ilya snorts.
“Oh, yes. Remember when I first became friends with Barrett? I thought you were going to kill him.”
They’d fought about it back then, but now it feels good to laugh at Shane’s jealousy. To see it in the rearview and understand how completely stupid it was.
“Right. Yeah.” Shane agrees. “See? Everyone gets jealous. Well, most people, anyway. It’s not something you have to be ashamed of. Or feel guilty about.”
He presses a soft kiss to Ilya’s mouth.
“I love you more than anything.” He says. “The only opinion I care about is yours.”
Ilya kisses him again, trying to say I know, I’m sorry, and thank you for listening all with one brush of their lips.
“I love you.” He says. “And trust me, I love being married to an underwear model. So fucking hot.”
He lunges forward for a deeper kiss then, making Shane laugh against his mouth. Ilya pins his husband to the couch, eager to remind them
both who he belongs to.
Three hours later
All we do is WIN WIN WIN 🏆🏆🏆
Dykstra: Congrats Roz
Troy: On what?
Luca: Probably that poll the NHL’s official page posted. Ilya won funniest in the league. Congratulations :)
Dykstra: Aww Luca
Dykstra: So sweet
Dykstra: But no
Dykstra: I’m congratulating him on his smokeshow husband
Hazy: Where is this coming from? Lol
Hazy: Not that I’m complaining about the Hollander love
Bood: Stop lurking in the MCU tag and go look at his new post
Hazy: Ohhh
Hazy: Okay yeah
Hazy: Congrats Roz!
Ilya
No one wants to congratulate Shane on his very sexy husband?
Shane ❤️❤️❤️: Compliment fishing much?
Troy: 🎣
Dykstra: 🎣
Bood: 🎣
Young: 🎣
LaPointe: 🎣
Holmberg: 🎣
Luca: 🎣
Ilya
You all win. I’m moving back to Boston 😒