Chapter Text
The pink heels in the corner of your eyes seemed to mock you. They seemed to mock your grief and the sole reason why you were here today. Was it truly that hard to be a decent human being?
Cassandra had never liked your sister, and in truth you didn't understand why she had even bothered coming to the funeral when she obviously only wanted to show her disdain one last time.
When you stepped up to the open grave and gently threw a white rose inside, you simply closed your eyes and thought of Lily. Of her laugh and the warm and gentle soul she'd had ever since you knew her – your entire life.
You thought of how utterly hilarious she would have found Cassandra's little stunt and even while tears gathered and your make up was still ruined from all the prior crying, a tiny little smile curled the corners of your mouth up. You were definitely going to tell Lily later.
Ever since her death ten days ago, you had taken up the habit of calling her. You were quite aware of the fact that she wouldn't pick up, but simply hearing her voice was often enough. And sometimes you then simply talked. You told her what had happened that day, what you had eaten for lunch, what you were thinking of wearing for her funeral. It might seem odd, but it helped you.
Carefully you take a step back and smooth a hand over the soft fabric of your black dress, technically it had been Lily's. But she wouldn't have minded you stealing it. She never had. You took one last glance at the dark mahogany coffin in the grave and then turned around to step away. You hadn't wanted to watch everyone throw petals into the grave, you'd told your mum that from the beginning. So you only waited for her to say her goodbyes to Lily and then hooked your arm into hers and carefully led her back to the car. You didn't speak and you assumed she didn't have the energy to speak. You had lost a sister. She had lost a child. You couldn't even fathom the pain she must feel. Thinking about it, you gently tightened your grip around her a bit.
You helped her get in the car, closed the door behind her and glanced down the gravel path at the funeral procession one last time. Then you rounded the car and got in yourself. You needed to be home for when the guests would arrive after all.
Hours later, after an exhausting amount of small talk and various people telling you how sorry they were and how horrible this time must be for you, you sank onto the small bed in your old teenage room. The heels you'd worn lay somewhere by the door, having been kicked off as soon as you entered. You didn't bother undressing or taking your make up off, you simply shifted under the thick blanket and buried yourself in a little cocoon of warmth. Blindly you reached for your phone on the bedside table and skimmed through your contacts.
Lily
You gently tapped on the little call symbol next to her name. It rang once, twice, a few more times. For a traitorous second you thought she'd pick up. For a second your mind simply forgot what had happened and your heart calmed. But she didn't pick up. Only the tone of the answering machine sounded and her voice appeared. “I'm very sorry that you couldn't reach me, please do leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I'm done doing what I'm doing. Probably baking.” Then that soft laugh of hers rang through the phone before the beep came.
“Hey Lil.”
You swallowed, some nights this was easier but after the day you'd had it felt impossibly hard to pretend you were talking to her. After all, you had seen her body in a coffin being put into the earth.
“Today was your funeral. Weird isn't it? I kept thinking the only person who'd make me feel better when I was sad was you, but now you can't make it better cause you're the reason I'm even sad in the first place.”
A hollow laugh left your lips.
“I'm a bit mad, I'll be honest. You promised to stay with me till we're old and cranky. We wanted to live in the retirement home together. And you went ahead and fucking died. Are you for real? Actually, I'm super mad. That's a really shitty thing to do.”
Your eyes fluttered shut as you took a deep breath to calm yourself and will the upcoming tears back.
“Cassandra was there. That bitch. You would have laughed so hard, she was wearing pink boots. All black outfit and then the most hideous pink boots, like a slap in my face. But she doesn't know me well enough at all if she thinks that stung. It was so pathetic I even laughed a bit.”
A moment of hesitation.
“I haven't laughed much since you died.”
A pause again.
“Well, anyways. I'm going to go back to work tomorrow. Can't be helped, right? Mum should go back too. But she says she doesn’t want to.”
You sighed softly.
“I'm worried about her. When I go back home, she'll be all alone and I'm not sure she'll take it well. She'd never say it, but…I think she secretly wishes our roles were reversed. She always did like you better.”
You shrug to yourself and glance at the wall that you share with your mothers bedroom. She hadn’t talked to you after the guests had left. You had only helped her tidy and then she'd gone upstairs and closed her door without a word, shutting you out like she had your whole life.
“But we'll be fine. Don't you worry, Lil.”
And with that your time was over and the line beeped dead. Over the past days you'd gotten a good feeling for how much you could say before the line would go dead. Even though you had sometimes, in particular bad moments, simply called again and again to say even more. Mostly to be mad at her for dying.
You were in no mood to get back up and take care of yourself. Even the mere act of brushing your teeth felt tedious and exhausting after this day. So you simply decided to not care for once. You rolled over to your other side, stretched a bit to reach the light switch by the door and promptly soaked the room in deep darkness. For some reason you suddenly felt awfully relieved. Here, in the darkness, in your old room there was no reason to pretend to be fine anymore. You pressed an old, well loved stuffed monkey to your chest – simply to hold onto something, to not feel quite so alone. Soon, you felt tears soak the purple pillow cover under your cheek. And that was exactly how you slipped into a dreamless sleep.