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“So is it true that Conan introduced you to Maman, like he did for Père Steve?” Penélope wonders aloud.
Andy readjusts his position in the big red corduroy bean bag chair in the playroom, opposite the three kiddos all sitting cross-legged on the bottom bunk bed. He thinks for a moment, then holds both knees, massaging them gently. “Yes, I mean, technically, she met me beforehand, obviously, but she would say we were properly introduced a few years later, while I was promoting King Kong. That was the moment she got a crush on me.”
Perdita checks a note on her iPad and nods. “She said you had great hair and great arms and were very funny.”
Andy smiles, chuckles. “I suppose I was a bit more rakish back then. She thought the Gollum vs. Kong impression I gave was pretty dashing in some strange way.”
“I wanna be an ape like you,” William says, hopping down onto the floor and imitating the gorilla knuckle walk toward him. “How’s that?”
“Pretty good, buddy!” Andy says, clapping. “I can give you some pointers later if you want.”
“But she didn’t decide to date you until ages and ages later,” Perdita continues, reading down her notepad. “And there was a ‘little bit of a fuss’ about proposing marriage, she said.”
With a shrug, Andy nods. “Due to there being so many husbands and boyfriends around, she said the rules had to change a bit before I was considered a true candidate.”
“What changed?” Penélope asks.
“Well, apparently, in the past, right up until Jeffrey arrived, boyfriends were allowed to propose and Madam had full control over acceptance. But since the Manse was growing, she decided that she needed her husbands’… not so much permission as… a blessing, I suppose. She wanted to make sure everyone could get along with whomever might want to join the family going forward.”
“What if one of our dads said no?” William asks.
“Did any of our papas say no?” Penélope adds.
“No, they were all OK with me, apparently,” Andy replies, leaning back with a grin. “I was approved across the board. But if any of them had reservations, then… I don’t know what she would have done.”
“Hmmm,” Penélope hums. “It’s weird to think about any of our papas not getting along.”
“Yes, that would be very weird,” Perdita agrees. “Is that why Mumma waited so long to marry Père Ryan and Denis?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Andy offers. “Everybody liked them from the start. That was your mum worrying about being overwhelmed, I believe. It’s a lot of work to manage this many people in a household, you know. That’s why she leans on your Uncle Joliver and Auntie Tilda so much.”
“She won’t marry them ever?” Penélope says.
Andy chuckles, leans back with his hands behind his head. “No, no, I can’t answer to that one. She loves them very much, and I don’t pretend to know all the rules. But they seem happy where they are, and she likes them for outside opinions.”
“But Momma only likes boys, right?” William asks. “She loves Auntie Tilly but she only likes to marry boys.”
“She can marry anyone she wants,” Penélope says.
“You’re both right,” Andy says. “Your Mum is not like your fathers, Liam. She only likes boys instead of both boys and girls. Even though she always admits that it’s kinda sad she doesn’t like both.”
“She was born that way,” Perdita states confidently. “It’s just the way she is.”
“I like both,” Penélope says, sitting up proudly.
“I think I only like boys,” Perdita says.
“I don’t know who I like,” William says, scrunching up his face with hard consideration.
“You don’t have to know yet,” Andy says, smiling as he shakes his head. “You’re still pretty young, so you don’t have worry too much about it if you don’t want to. But whenever you figure it out, you can tell us, your fathers, and your mother, and we will be happy for you.”
William tilts his head and licks his lips. “How do you know?”
“That’s easy,” Penelope says. “If you have a crush on a boy, you’re gay, if you have a crush on a girl, you’re straight, and if you have crushes on both, you’re bi.”
“Have you had a crush on anybody?” Perdita asks her brother.
William shakes his head, waves his hands. “No…I don’t know... I don’t think so.”
“Alright, leave him be, girls,” Andy says gently. “I’m the one you’re questioning today, remember?"
"Do you have crushes on anyone?" Perdita says with a laugh, pointing at Andy.
He laughs nervously. "Me? Oh, well, sure, I’ve had little infatuations through my life. Who doesn’t? But I only have a crush on your Mum now.”
“Awe, that’s cute,” Perdita says. “Mum still has a crush on you, right?”
“I wouldn’t be here if she didn’t, I would think.”
“Maman has crushes on everybody in the Manse,” Penélope says. “Duh.”
“What I really wanna know is who gets to have the baby,” William interrupts, staring at Andy with full expectation that he will have the definitive answer. “Sometimes the dad has it and sometimes the mom has it. But how does that happen?”
The girls stare at their brother, give him a look, bit then turn to Andy as well, just as expectant.
Andy points at himself, jaw dropping. “Don’t look at me—”
“Will you ever have a baby, Père Andy?” Perdita asks.
Rendered speechless, Andy blinks at them, holds out his hands.
******************
I’m cat-napping in a hammock strung between two big palm trees inside the conservatory, soaking up the warmth and humidity not afforded by the winter weather outside. In the middle of reading some Dorothy Parker stories, I just nod off, dropping the book on my chest. The light sleeper I am, I rouse at the sound of footsteps. A few seconds later, I see my seventh husband step into my field of view, smiling silently as he takes a seat on the wrought iron bench perpendicular to my hammock.
“Hey, I’m not disturbing you, am I?” Andy asks in a slight whisper.
“No, no, you’re fine,” I say, reaching one arm over the edge of the hammock fabric toward him.
He stands again, smiling more as he steps over and grasps my hand, bends down to give it a kiss. “Guess what I did today.”
I yawn, stretching my other arm over and behind my head to prop it up a bit. “What?”
“The interview.”
I blink at him, half smiling bemusedly. “Oh, the kids interview!” I blurt, laughing. “Huh… it’s about time they got back on track with that. So how was it?”
Andy squeezes my hand, kicks at a piece of gravel from the edge of the pathway. “They had the most unexpected questions.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
“Like… they wanted to know if you still had a crush on me.”
I chuckle, pull his hand closer to I can hold it against my cheek. “Do you need some proof?’ I ask with a wink.
He winks back and shakes his head. “That wasn’t the strangest though.”
“No?”
“Yeah they also wondered if… if I would ever have a baby… like Denis and Ryan did.”
“That’s not so strange to ask, I don’t think,” I say, kissing his knuckles. “What did you tell them?”
Andy rubs his own neck, shrugs. “The truth… that it’s not my call.”
“Well, it’s partially your call.”
“Is it, really?”
I nod slowly, then start to rub his hands in both of mine. “Hotspur… are you trying to tell me something? Do you want a child?”
“Only if you wanted one, then I’d be for it in an instant.”
“But you’re not after one?”
He smiles softly at me, his blue eyes suddenly seeming slightly dark. “I never thought of it. The kids just made me curious.”
I place my had over my heart and take a deep breath. “That’s good, because I can only take one pregnancy at a time around here,” I say with half a laugh. I reach up and rub my own face. “This one’s going to be cooking for a while.”
“I had wondered about that,” Andy says. “Is there an interesting reason for that or is it too personal?”
I gently shake my head, frowning up at him. “You’re my husband, I wouldn’t keep anything from you.”
“Pickle, what happens between you and Denis—”
“No, seriously… it’s…” I sigh, sit myself up and swing my legs over the edge of the hammock so I can awkwardly stand up and hug him for a moment, take a moment to take stock of myself. “It’s more about me than him,” I mumble against his chest as he gives me one of his granite squeezes. “It’s more about me than any of you.”
“I am a bit reticent to ask, Madam…” Andy begins, still holding me firmly, resting his head on top of mine. “Because I don’t ask out of jealousy or envy, just pure curiosity… what changed your mind about having kids hanging around?”
I close my eyes, suck in a slow, long breath and hold it a moment. “You know, no one else really asked me that exact question. I mean, Denis kinda asked, but… So I told him that it’s never been my dream to be a mom, but it’s my fantasy—and there is a difference, mind you, and ultimately, it wasn’t about being a mom so much as making Denis and Ryan dads. The fantasy is to watch you all be dads. It’s so endearing and heartwarming to see you all be dads. And I love how it’s turned out. It’s been more fun than I expected.” I lift my head from his chest and look up at him with a questioning smile. “Do you like being a dad?”
Andy beams, touches my blushing cheek. “I love it, Pickle. We all love it. You genuinely surprised us with it, and we love it.”
“Oh good,” I say, giving him a quick kiss of relief. “I never would have had any kids without an army of dads. And Auntie Tilda.”
“Tilda is essential,” he adds with all seriousness. “If we don’t know what to do and you’re not around, she knows what to do.”
“She and Joliver run this place, really. I’m a figurehead at this point.”
“You do not give yourself enough credit, Madam. The system would collapse without you.”
“Pfft, one of you directors would step in, surely. And you’re all so tight. I trust you all to take care of things and stick together if I’m down for the count for some reason. But if I’m out… well, then you’re all coming with me into the afterlife, like a pharaoh of old.”
Andy chuckles. “I do vaguely remember that was in the fine print.”
“Damn sure it’s in the fine print.”