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He should have been fired, he was stealing hospital drugs and replacing them with placebos. He was stealing patients' meds. He was treating patients while high.
But he’s a good doctor, a good man, so he should be trusted and forgiven.
He should have been charged, he was sexually abusing multiple girls on the team. He was actively encouraging eating disorders. He would shout at them for the smallest things.
But he’s a good coach, a good man, so it can’t be true.
He should have been kicked out, he hit his wife and daughter. He yelled and berated his kids for the smallest things. He made his daughter the primary caregiver for her brothers when she was 7.
(Not because he killed her mom, Jesus, but his deadbeat ass couldn’t work anymore so her mother had to).
But he goes to church, he’s a good man, so they must just be going through hard times.
She has been hearing stupid weak excuses for (white) male authority figures for pretty much her whole life. So of fucking course Langdon’s return is merely a mildly awkward blip on everyone’s radar. (Except hers, obviously).
And it’s not like she deserved to know he was returning, and what day it would happen. Because no one actually knew what happened that day, and they especially didn’t know how it affected her.
Because she definitely doesn’t sometimes have nightmares about him standing over her, literally yelling all her incompetences to her face, as he slowly morphs into her coach (and his hands), and her father (and his fists). She obviously doesn’t get triggered by the sound of ice sloshing around in water. And she absolutely doesn’t have panic attacks occasionally when her loss of control gets too much.
Because he’s a good doctor, and he’s done the work, done the rehab, worked the program, so he’s totally fine to return to his role as a senior resident.
She’s lived her life suffering under men who abuse their power and face zero consequences. Who use their charm to hide their sins and channel all the white male privilege. So she can totally do this… right?
But also, no she can’t. Well she can until her careful avoidance fails and he becomes the senior on her case, fucking drunk girls ogling him and all.
She’s pretty sure the med student might be about to have a seizure with how quickly her eyes are tracking them both, but she’s way too heightened and pissed to be amused by the situation. She sincerely hopes Langdon understands her barb about the blood alcohol level (a throwback to her first day- and his last), but he just fucking withdraws and like, looks at her with his stupid intense blue eyes, and it’s fucking unnerving.
Then Robby is throwing Mel’s caseload on top of her own (he’s such a bitch sometimes), plus traumas, and she just momentarily switches her brain off to everything (emotions aren’t important right?).
And she’s managing, because fuck charting at this point. But then Al Hashimi pulls her into a trauma with Langdon, and she feels her tenuous grip on the situation start to slip.
Because she can’t be ‘normal’ around him. He literally belitted, gaslit and harassed her on her first day, and despite everyone having a good opinion of him, she can’t look past that. Because he reminds her too much of men with ulterior motives she’s experienced before.
And she tries so hard to show that she can be a normal empathetic human being. But there’s so many coping mechanisms protecting her soul that it never turns out right.
She wants to show Al Hashimi she is smart and focussed and a good doctor, but all that comes from the situation is more biases loaded on her. And it’s so fucking frustrating because, like despite her flaws, she’s a good fucking doctor.
And fuck him for treating her like a goddamn med student. He is on her from the second they are in the trauma room, just like 10 months ago. And maybe he isn’t as aggressive and twitchy as he was then, maybe part of him actually wants to teach her, but all she can hear is his criticism.
Dr santos… it doesn’t matter
Stupid… arrogant
…You know nothing
Her pulse is racing and she hears her blood rushing in her ears. She clenches her jaw to stave off the panic attack tingling at her fingertips, and wills her brain to lock the fuck in.
And Al Hashimi is just fucking supporting him, encouraging her to trust and listen to her superiors. But she has no idea. She doesn’t know what he put her through that day (or what he did! Because no one knows. Because she was silenced again).
It’s always the same, they do something wrong, but she has to just ‘get over it and move on’, like that’s so fucking easy.
If he would just stop fucking talking to her, pretending to teach her in that calm patronising voice she might be able to get through this. But then he’s all ‘I’m happy to teach Dr Santos’ in that syrupy tone, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing and she just… this is all too much, too soon. Why can’t they see that?
And then Garcia supports Langdon, and yeah she’d been a little snippy in front of the patient, but Jesus fucking Christ does no one remember how he treated her? Is she that good at hiding that no one sees how hard it is for her to be this close to him? (Maybe it’s just that no one cares to look).
But where the hell does Garcia get off lecturing her about decency and decorum. Hello pot, kettle.
She should have known Garcia wouldn’t be on her side. She wasn’t that day.
You’re trouble
She wasn’t when she’d tried to explain what had happened afterwards, when they were casually seeing each other and she had been triggered.
If you want to talk about this Langdon shit again call a therapist
So now she’s having a panic attack in fucking paeds with baby Jane Doe, trying to understand how no one remembers she was literally bullied and shouted at by a superior (who she then got fired suspended), and at the same time flirted with (was sexually harassed?) by a senior surgeon (who she then started sleeping with) on her first day.
But somehow she’s the problem in this situation.
Fuck Langdon, and fuck Garcia, and fuck Robby.
Because he put her in this position. Telling her he’d ‘handled the situation’ then asking her to keep quiet about the whole drug addict stealing drugs thing.
But everyone knew she had something to do with Langdon’s suspension, because hello, they were at each other all day and he literally shouted at her and was ripped into by Robby.
So of course the rumor was that she reported him for harassment and that’s why he was gone. So fuck her, the annoying first day intern who was causing problems for their well respected senior resident, couldn’t she just keep her head down and mouth shut.
Even when it came out he was in rehab, there were still lingering doubts about her role in his downfall. Though it had been better lately, her coworkers were seemingly starting to warm up to her a bit (and maybe she’s softened her edges a little too).
But of course this is her life, so good things don’t last.
Fuck this day and it’s never ending challenges and triggers. Because Huckleberry is never home anymore, and Robby is leaving, and Langdon is back, and Garcia is messing with her head, and Al Hashimi (who she just fucking met) is threatening her about repeating R2.
She tries (fails) to take a deep breath and sinks down on the floor next to baby Jane Doe.
Then there were her patients. A little girl with an absent dad and bruises (but it wasn’t abuse), pneumonia caused by an eating disorder (that she of all people missed), Louie dying (but they can’t know she cares), Harlow who spent way longer than necessary waiting and in pain (because she was deaf and the system she failed her), the kid who lost his fingers and the older sister who had to take on the responsibility (fuck ICE).
She violently startles as a figure appears in the doorway, like actively flinches and pushes herself backwards (embarrassing), because the figure is tall, and male and in her heightened state she can’t process more than that.
“Whoa… Ok, it’s ok Santos, you’re safe.”
She registers the voice, it's slightly familiar but she can’t place it. The figure moves closer, hands held up in a ‘non threatening’ motion, like she’s a wounded feral dog about to bite or something.
If she could pull in enough breath to laugh she would, because men have never been non threatening (at least not to her).
“Ok, you’re safe right now, breathe with me,” the voice says again, then gently pushes and pulls her hands forwards and backwards as he slowly coaches breaths in and out (and usually touch would be really triggering).
But fuck her if it helps. And suddenly she realises she’s sitting next to Frank fucking Langdon.
“Oh fucking hell,” she croaks out.
He pauses and she hears a careful exhale before, “yeah, I can imagine I’m not your first choice to be here right now.”
She just scoffs and rolls her eyes, because obviously.
“I can find someone else, if you’d prefer?” He asks cautiously.
And yeah, she’d prefer literally anyone else right now, but also, “god no, I don’t want anyone else to witness this, fuck how embarrassing.”
Another pause as he considers her words, “Well if I’ve learned anything during recovery, it’s that asking for and receiving help is not a bad thing.”
“Yeah yeah, trust the process, do the work, it’ll get better, blah blah blah. But it doesn’t, eventually it happens again and they still win.”
There’s a long silence where they both process her words, and goddammit she never intended to reveal anything like that, especially to him. Because now he’s looking at her with softened eyes and like, fucking sympathy, and it’s just too much.
“Ok no, we’re not doing this. This isn’t some kumbya moment,” she bites.
“No, you don’t owe me anything.” He paused thinking, “I think it’s just all falling into place for me, how you put it all together so quickly… you’ve obviously been through some rough shit.”
It’s so frank (ha) that she doesn’t deny, just sits with it for a bit, considering where this conversation was going.
“I’m not gonna like, bare my soul to you like a hallmark movie or something” she finally continues.
He (legit) snorts, “I wouldn’t expect you would… I am wondering though, I have a lot of apologies to make…”
She just raises her eyebrow, not expecting herself to be on his apology tour.
“Are you in a place for me to thank you right now?”
And god, what a question. Because she’s never had someone like, legitimately apologise to her, let alone thank her.
“Um, I guess, I’ve never really had to deal with apologies before.” She finally says, and fuck her if his sad look doesn’t get sadder, like Jesus Christ fuck off with the crying Labrador eyes or whatever.
“Ok. Well let me start by saying, thank you, sincerely. I was deep in the hole and had zero recognition of how bad things were. Honestly if you hadn’t reported me I don’t know where things would have ended up, but I was definitely not in a place where I could admit I had a problem. So I very likely could have killed a patient, or even myself, accidentally, with my actions.”
And ok wow that was a pretty mature self reflective thing to say. Definitely not the Langdon she experienced 10 months earlier. But of course she can’t say that to him, so she gives a half smile and quips, “I mean, duh. If you’re so far gone you’re stealing drugs from the hospital you work at, you’re definitely beyond simply asking for help.”
He rolls his eyes but there’s no tension in his face. “But most importantly, I’m really sorry for how I treated you that day. I was threatened and reacting, but you were an intern on your first day and I took every opportunity to bully and belittle you.” He paused meaningfully.
“I see now you’re probably not ready to try and build a working relationship, which I would like to try and do at some point, but I appreciate that you’re willing to hear me out.”
“… I don’t know if I can forgive what happened yet, but I appreciate you apologising and acknowledging how I might have felt.” She pauses again, considering.
They sit in silence, neither knowing what is supposed to happen next. Nowhere in her wildest dreams did she expect this to be how her day turned out.
Finally he breaks the silence. “So, I know you’re going to tell me to fuck off but… are you ok?”
She groans and rolls her eyes, “oh yeah, I’m great, this is the best day of my life.”
“Yeah, that’s what I figured,” he huffs.
“Ok well let’s get this show on the road, charting won’t do itself, unfortunately.” She mumbles.
“Yeah, and we wouldn’t want to wake baby Jane Doe… or you might have to sing again.” He quips with an amused smirk as he practically prances out the door.
Fucking hell.