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JADE: can you believe that we were going to get married in the past??
Jade turns her head over to yours. She’s been staring at the wall with her head against the pillow this whole time, so her looking at you is reassuring.
DAVE: i mean kind of
DAVE: when i look back on it i dont feel awkward though
DAVE: im just like oh that thing almost fucking happened
DAVE: but i dont feel bad about it
DAVE: shit just happens
DAVE: thats why we wipe
JADE: hehehehe!
You smile, or smirk back at her when she starts to giggle. You thought that was pretty fucking funny too.
DAVE: honestly though
DAVE: i dont think getting married to you wouldve been all that terrible
DAVE: it wouldnt be like modern day slavery
DAVE: we would be the sickest lavender marriage to ever lavender
JADE: true :p
DAVE: id probably feel terrible for karkat
DAVE: then again karkat is trying to get his red bulge in junes blue and yellow striped panties and get her pregnant with little grubs
JADE: ew
JADE: can we not go there?
DAVE: im dead serious
DAVE: deader than earths population
JADE: ha ha
DAVE: not that one
DAVE: ok sorry
DAVE: yeah if we were in a lavender marriage i would probably just cheat on you no hard feelings but it happens sometimes
DAVE: and i guess that you would too because i wouldnt hide it from you
DAVE: youd be like shit i get to cheat too thats amazeballs thank you dave
You pay attention to Jade’s face. She looks embarrassed for some reason. You don’t understand though. Is it good to ask why?
DAVE: whats wrong
DAVE: you look like youre going to swallow my pillow whole
JADE: welllllllll
JADE: i dont know im thinking too much about my emotions
JADE: im also too concerned with myself right now which is pretty rude of me ;/
DAVE: i think of myself all the time
DAVE: dont worry
DAVE: talk to me
That’s what friends are for after all. You push your hand into the curly mountain on her head and scratch at her scalp, and she kicks her leg slightly.
JADE: heheheh stooop
DAVE: you gotta tell me
JADE: i cant if youre doing that!! >:p
You stop.
DAVE: okay
JADE: thank you
JADE: i just
JADE: um
JADE:
JADE: rose
DAVE: what does that mean
JADE: like, ROSE!
JADE: rose.
DAVE: like my sister and not the flowers
JADE: yes your sister
JADE: i really like her
DAVE: everyone does
JADE: no no no dave
JADE: i would want to cheat on you with her
Youch? Right in the fucking forehead, Harley. You know that you’re the less attractive sibling but where is the respect?
DAVE: sheesh
DAVE: want to tell me to ask jane to execute me next
JADE: no!!! i dont mean it like you arent enough because you are
JADE: i think ive just always had a crush on her
JADE: i had a crush on you too, but after a while it was just too much for me i guess
JADE: do i have to explain myself though?
JADE: rose is beautiful, shes smart, shes talented, and shes everything i want to be in a woman
You’re not offended anymore. Lesbians take a liking towards other lesbians. You’re kind of stupid for not realizing this sooner. It took you decades? And a couple events of suspicion on your end but you never asked Jade so it doesn’t actually count.
DAVE: yeah shes great
DAVE: i dont understand on the level that you do because im not a sister kisser
JADE: ...obviously not
DAVE: is that supposed to be rude
JADE: no its a joke
DAVE: better be
JADE: eehhh?
You won’t explain your empty threat any further. You don’t need to. It’s nothing.
You do understand why Jade would feel so embarrassed about this other than because Rose is your sibling. It’s because Rose is married. She’s been married. And she wouldn’t leave Kanaya for anyone, you think.
Also, you’re all buddied up with Kanaya in terms of appreciation for Karkat, and you would never fuck up a friendship like that because you’ve become an even worse liar over time and yeah you just can’t do that.
DAVE: you should talk to rose about it
JADE: i will die!!
DAVE: nah you wont
DAVE: but how do you feel about kanaya
Her face burns up even more, not like you can see the blush but you can tell by her eyes and her eyebrows that she’s got a thing for her too. Now THAT right there, is greedy.
DAVE: jegus jade
JADE: stop!! :(
DAVE: no its fine
DAVE: i get it
DAVE: if i was in a room with karkat and june id cream in my pants in four seconds
DAVE: youd do the same for rose and kanaya
JADE: that is so gross i would NOT do that
DAVE: yes you would
DAVE: it takes a dude to know a dude
JADE: im a girl
DAVE: barely
She lets out a loud sigh and she reaches her paw out so she can push you. Youch, again.
JADE: no more of you being weird
JADE: i dont think they would want me around so theres no point in me joining their relationship
JADE: but i dont know
JADE: kanaya means just as much to me
JADE: i wouldnt want to put her in that kind of situation
JADE: both of them seem monogamous
JADE: and if i fuck it up i ruin our friendship
JADE: which is a thousand times worse than not being able to get with them ;(
You did a great job listening, Dave. They applaud you from afar.
You aren’t that good at giving advice though. Sometimes you are depending on the issue, but most of the time you’re just somebody who listens. You think that’s all Jade wanted from you, but you feel like you have to force something out.
DAVE: we’re going to live forever
DAVE: might as well fuck around
DAVE: yolo but infinitely yolo
DAVE: theyd forgive you someday
DAVE: you should just talk to them
DAVE: subtly flirt
DAVE: be like hey woof wanna drink from the same dog bowl
DAVE: and then wink
JADE: ???
DAVE: shit wouldve worked on me
DAVE: guys like me love water
JADE: guys like you are dumb
She props herself up with her elbows and leans over to give you a peck on the cheek. You laugh, because it’s embarrassing, and because you appreciate the affection (which is embarrassing.)
DAVE: thanks
DAVE: bark
JADE: dont sound so monotone when you do it!
JADE: you dont even try
JADE: pretend that im karkat
DAVE: i couldnt bark for him
DAVE: the guy prefers sea animals anyways id have to slap my belly like a seal to get his attention
DAVE: or or or karkat i love you or or you too june or or or or
Jade snickers at your joke and she goes against the pillow again, still staring at you for a moment before turning away.
JADE: thank you dave
DAVE: for what
JADE: for always being here
JADE: i feel like i was shitty to you when we were younger
JADE: probably even shitty to everyone and im still working on that ,,:(
JADE: i hope you know that i love you
DAVE: i love you too
DAVE: ive got no choice but to be here
DAVE: thats what cool people do
JADE: hehe yeah