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It’s dark when Eddie pulls the car into Buck’s driveway. Buck’s been asleep in the passenger seat for about an hour, but he’s alive, so Eddie hasn’t been quick to wake him. He’s still healing.
They both are, really, but he knows what Buck went through, and it was so much worse than himself.
“Hey.” He presses a hand to Buck’s shoulder. “Buck, we’re here.”
“Mm?” Buck blinks his eyes open a couple of times and stretches his arms. “Oh, did I fall asleep? You should have woken me up.”
“We were almost home.” Eddie unbuckles his own seatbelt. “Come on, let's get you inside. You should probably let Maddie know that you’re safe in your own house.”
“She’s going to want to rush over.” Buck sighs, but Eddie knows he’s not really mad, not this time. He’ll be glad to see her.
“She’ll wait til morning,” Eddie says. “I told everyone to wait until morning.”
“Thanks, man. Thanks for letting me get that nap in. I’m sure I won’t be awake long, anyway. Are you going to get Chris tonight?”
“Nah, I figured maybe we could both go and get him in the morning,” Eddie says. He’s hovering in the archway while Buck drops his things down and shrugs his jacket off. He knows he should go, but something is keeping him grounded to the spot.
He doesn’t want to leave Buck; he’s honestly not sure he can leave Buck. The last time he let Buck out of his sight, well.
“Do you wanna stay?” Buck’s soft words knock him out of his own thoughts. He’s closer than before. Eddie wants to reach out and touch him to remind himself this is real.
“Huh?”
“In the guest room, Eddie?” Buck tilts his head. “Are you okay? The doctors cleared you right? Because if you still - “
“I’m fine, Buck.” He’s not, but he’s better than Buck, mentally and physically, probably. “But I might take you up on the guest room. I don’t know if I can even make it home tonight.” He could. He’s not that tired, and he’s used to driving home right after a shift.
It’s just the idea of going home alone, of leaving Buck alone, it doesn’t feel right, not tonight.
Buck nods and walks past.
“I’ll just get my bag from the car,” Eddie says.
“Nah, don’t worry about it, man. I’ll get you something to sleep in.” Buck disappears into his room and comes back out with an old worn out t-shirt and sweatpants that are cut into shorts. He makes a face as he hands them over. “Actually, I think the shorts are yours anyway. I don’t know how they got mixed in with my stuff.”
Probably the last time Eddie stayed over, after a night out with the team. There’s pieces of Buck all over his house, too. He’s never thought anything of it before. Maybe it is weird.
“Thanks.”
Buck nods. “I’m gonna get a glass of water. Get comfortable.”
Eddie goes into the bathroom to change. He stares at his face in the mirror. It’s scratched, but not as badly as Buck’s is. His concussion has more or less healed, his arm much better. Buck’s injuries were more internal than Eddie’s, and they weren’t helped by the cattle prod that was used more than once to subdue him.
Eddie doesn’t notice himself gripping the edge of the sink. He’s angry, angry at the people who did this, angry he couldn’t stop it, angry he let himself hold a woman at gunpoint, even though she’s the one who nearly took Buck away from him.
Eddie closes his eyes and lets out a slow breath. He’s going to be fine. He’s fine. He did what he had to do; he got Buck home. He’s in the next room. Eddie can breathe. He breathes.
He goes through the motions changing clothes and looks in the mirror again, running his fingers through his hair. It’s kind of a mess, but he supposes that makes sense after the last few days and ten hours in a car.
“Eddie?” Buck taps a few times on the door.
“Yeah, I’m coming out.” He breathes again and steps outside.
Buck’s changed too, into pajama pants and a threadbare t-shirt that’s almost worn through. Eddie tries not to stare at the spots on Buck’s torso that are clearly still showing signs of what he just went through.
“Sorry, I’m sorry. Just - “ Eddie nods. “Take your time. I’m going to go - go.”
He walks past Buck into the guest room and sits on the bed. He leaves the door cracked open, so Buck will know he’s still awake when he comes out of the bathroom.
He keeps thinking about how close he came to losing Buck completely. They’ve already been through so much together, and this whole thing could have blown everything up. Eddie doesn’t know what to do with everything he’s feeling about it.
With everything he feels for Buck.
It’s like he could ignore it, before, but now it feels impossible. He was way too close to a life without Evan Buckley in it, and it’s not something he wants to have to think about again. He lays back on the bed and rubs his palm over his face.
He doesn’t know what it means that he never thought about correcting any of the homophobic fucks in that small New Mexico town, not even the one who was accusing him of murdering Buck. He just knows that Buck being in the next room feels too far away after everything they just went through.
He can’t think beyond that right now.
There’s a tap on the door frame and his head snaps over to see Buck, bathed in light coming from the hallway. He looks broken, and Eddie can’t help but feel like he should have been able to do more, sooner.
“Hey, I’m gonna get some sleep, alright? We’ll go get Chris together in the morning?”
“Yeah.”
“We’ll, uh - “ Buck ducks his head, smiles like everything is normal, and then looks back up at Eddie with a forced look of mischief. “We’ll take my car. I think he’ll make fun of his for - well.”
“Yeah.” Eddie nods. “Yeah, good idea.”
“Goodnight, Eddie.”
Buck turns away, closing the guest room door, before Eddie gets a chance to respond.
“Goodnight, Buck,” Eddie says, to no one.
+
It’s been a few hours since Buck went to bed, and Eddie hasn’t done more than gotten a quick 15 minute catnap. Buck’s guest room bed is actually kind of amazing, but Eddie can’t sleep. He’s been awake for too long anyway, but every time he closes his eyes he sees Buck collapsing onto the ground.
It’s added to a long line of images of Buck near death.
Trapped under the ladder truck.
Coughing up blood.
Broken and bruised from a tsunami that nearly took Buck and Chris away from him.
Swinging from a ladder, dead, for 3 minutes and 17 seconds.
And now this.
Eddie wonders when Buck gets to rest - when they both get to rest. He doesn’t want to close his eyes and see the second most important person in his life near death. He’s tired of people he loves dying.
And that’s the thing of it, really. Because he loves Buck.
Not just like a friend, but in every way possible, and now that he knows that he can’t go back. He can’t pretend he doesn’t. He’s done his best to ignore it for a long time, probably since the last time Buck died on him, but now that he’s gone through the hell that is not knowing if he’d ever even see Buck again -
He can’t ignore it anymore.
He loves Evan Buckley. Eddie is in love with his best friend.
It’s an oddly calming thought, despite everything. Of course it would be Buck. There’s never been anyone else in his life that he’s trusted as much, that he’s been as willing to let in. Buck’s seen every broken and ugly piece of Eddie and never walked away, even when they fought and spewed angry bitter words at each other.
Buck has always been the only person he could be angry and broken with who would always come back to him.
Buck put him back together physically when he was shot; Buck put him back together mentally when he took a baseball bat to his room and his life - and he was there at the end of it, when Eddie was ready to come back. He stayed when Eddie lost his kid he’d fucked up so badly.
Of course it’s Buck. It could never be anyone else.
He flops over onto his other side, back onto his back, and then onto his stomach. He needs to sleep.
He can’t sleep.
He’s suddenly struck with the need to see Buck, to hear his breathing and know that he’s okay. What if he has some injury the doctors didn’t catch? He has a history of blood clots. What if he aspirates in his sleep? Eddie hasn’t felt this kind of anxiety in a long long time, but right now he just needs to know Buck is okay.
He tiptoes out of the guest room and down the hall. Buck’s door is closed. He taps softly, but there’s no answer. He knows Buck is fine. He’s sleeping. He must be sleeping. But Eddie needs to make sure, so he opens the door, just enough for the light of the hall to pool through.
Buck shifts in his sleep and then lets out a snore. Eddie feels the tension melt away from his body. Buck is fine. He’s alive and he’s fine. Eddie fights the urge to crawl into the bed with him, fights the urge to press his fingers around Buck’s wrist, just to count the beats of his pulse while he sleeps.
Eddie wonders if he could sleep, then, pressed close to Buck, his heartbeat thrumming against Eddie’s ear.
He can’t do that. He sits against the wall, and softly closes the door behind him. He sits there, like that, listening to Buck breathe, the occasional snore pulling out of his nose. It comforts Eddie enough that he can close his eyes there.
Buck is alive.
He’s alive. He’s alive.
Eddie falls asleep.
+
“Uh.”
Eddie jumps at the sound. He forgets for a second, where he is, but then Buck is standing over him, staring with his eyes wide open. He’s not wearing a shirt now. Eddie tries not to stare.
“Buck.” Eddie rubs his eyes and jumps up. “Sorry, I’m sorry.”
“What are you doing on the floor?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“So you thought…the floor would…help?” Buck’s eyebrows are basically in his hairline. It would probably be funny if Eddie weren’t mortified by being caught out.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he mumbles. “I just - I needed. I couldn’t sleep. You were - I needed to know you were - “ Eddie lets his shoulders fall. “I need to go get ready to get Chris. I’ll leave you alone.”
“Eddie, wait.” Buck grabs his wrist as soon as Eddie turns to leave the room. “I get it, okay? I get it.” Eddie feels Buck’s thumb run over his wrist. “I get it.”
“I just came in here to check on you, and I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Eddie can feel tears in his eyes. He doesn’t want them to spill out. It feels like it says more than he wants to say. “Sorry.”
“Look at me, Eddie.”
Eddie can’t deny him that, so he turns and looks at Buck. Buck’s eyes are so blue, and they’re staring back at him, wide and kind and so so Buck. Eddie couldn’t look away if he wanted to.
“I almost lost you,” Eddie says. “I did lose you. I woke up in a hospital, and you weren’t there, and it felt like my world was crashing down around me.”
“Hey, I’m okay.”
“Yeah, I know.” Eddie nods. “I know. It’s stupid.” He presses the balls of his palms into his eyes to fight off the tears that are still threatening to spill over. “You’re fine, but you weren’t, and I thought - I thought it was my fault, Buck.”
“What?”
“The - I thought it was those guys at the fucking diner. The ones who thought - the ones who tried to start stuff, and you told me to back off, but I couldn’t let them say those things, I couldn’t. It was too - “
“Yeah, Eddie, I know. You didn’t deserve to get lumped into that with me. I was just being dramatic. They didn’t know what they were talking about.”
“But I thought they took you, Buck. I thought they hated the idea of us so much that they - “ Eddie feels himself break open and say the thing he’s been avoided thinking about for days. “I thought they killed you, because I tried to fight them. Because I couldn’t stand the idea of them being able to look at me and see the way I felt about you without - without - “ Eddie feels a sob pull out of his own throat. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Hey. Hey. Eddie, hey, I’m here, okay? They didn’t kill me. No one killed me. I’m here.” Buck wraps his arms around Eddie’s shoulders, and Eddie falls against him, but he can’t make himself hug Buck back. He just stays there, rigid and still. He feels drained and broken and pulled apart. He feels broken.
He always feels so fucking broken.
Buck rubs his back.
He feels less broken.
“I thought they killed you.”
“I’m alive.”
“I know.” Eddie pulls back and wipes at his own eyes. “I’m sorry. Fuck, you’re the one who practically got tortured. I just got a little banged up.”
“I’ve been the guy who couldn’t stop it before, remember? It’s a lot to deal with.” Buck’s so quiet, so soft, and gentle. Eddie’s not sure he deserves it.
“This is different.”
“Why because you’re the big tough ex-army guy?” Buck smiles a little sadly. Eddie lets him off because he knows Buck is joking, and he doesn’t have it in him to even have a joking fight right now. He’s emotionally drained. He hasn’t slept more than a few hours in days. “Hey, I’m okay, I promise.”
“You said.” Eddie nods.
“Eddie?”
“What, Buck?”
“What you said before - what did you mean?” Buck bites his lip.
“Which part?” He knows which part, but maybe if he plays dumb he won’t have to hear Buck say Remember when we said this didn’t change anything or You know, just because I’m into guys doesn’t mean I’m into you, because Eddie knows that. He knows that Buck doesn’t see him like that.
“You know which part.”
Of course Buck can’t possibly let him get away with anything, even when he’s crying.
“Buck, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Eddie waves his hand around. “I know, okay? You’re not - you don’t - I wasn’t trying to make some grand confession. For one thing, you just went through something traumatic - “
“We both went through something traumatic.”
“Shut up,” he says. “Secondly, I just - I already know, okay? When you and Tommy - we both agreed nothing was going to change between us, and I know. I know you don’t feel that way about me. I’m not even sure I - I don’t know.”
“Okay,” Buck says. “Come here.”
He hugs around Eddie again.
“Here’s what we’re going to do,” Buck says. “We’re going to get dressed, and then we’re going to go get Chris. We’ll hang out with him and let him ask questions we’ll only half answer because he doesn’t need to know about the cattle prod or the homophobic dickheads, and then you and him are going to spend the night.”
“You only have one guest room.”
“I know. You’re going to sleep in here, because I can’t have you sleeping against the wall again. I’ll be right there. You’ll hear my breathing. We’ll talk, and we’re both going to get a good night of sleep, okay?”
Eddie knows he should feel guilty that Buck is the one who seems to have his shit together, the one who’s taking care of Eddie right now, but it’s also comforting to know that he’s still Buck, still trying to fix everything, even when he’s probably more broken up than Eddie can imagine.
“Okay, but - but when I’ve had a good night of sleep, you have to let me in, too. You have to let me take care of you. Don’t act like you’re fine when I know you’re not.”
“Eddie - “
“I mean it, Buck.”
“Okay, yeah, deal.”
“Okay, good, deal.” Eddie nods.
They go get Chris.
+
Chris is settled in the guest room and Eddie’s hovering by Buck’s doorway.
“Are you sure about this, man?”
“Don’t call me man right now.” Buck laughs. “Come on, Eddie. We’re going to sleep in the same bed. I think we’ll both sleep better.”
“You were snoring last night. You slept fine.” Eddie rolls his eyes and steps closer.
He crawls under the blankets where Buck has lifted it up. They shared a bed years ago, when everyone was quarantining in the loft, but that was such a different situation.
“I’m allowed to snore. I have internal injuries.”
“Not funny.” Eddie tries to glare, but he knows it looks softer than he means it to. He rests his fingers right by Buck’s hand. “Can I, uh - “
Buck nods, so Eddie wraps his fingers around Buck’s wrist, this time with permission. He drags his thumb over the pulse point. The pulse is strong. Eddie lets out a sigh of relief.
“See,” Buck says, softly. “I’m here. I’m alive. I’m so okay.”
“Yeah,” Eddie says. “You’re alive.”
“Eddie, do you - I need to know if you meant it.” Buck rolls onto his side, facing Eddie. “About the way you feel about me.”
“Buck, can we just - can we not?”
“I need to know, Eddie. You told me you want me to be honest and not pretend to be okay if I’m not. I won’t, but I need to know if you meant it. How do you feel about me?”
“Buck, I thought I lost you, and I just kept thinking I couldn’t come back here without you. I - I would have killed her. I had a gun pointed at a woman, and if you hadn’t come out of that - I would have killed her if she’d taken you from me. That fucking scares me, man. What I would do for you scares me.”
“Eddie.” Buck closes his eyes. “Fuck.”
“I told you, I’m - I’m sorry.”
“No, shh, just give me a minute.” Buck breathes. “I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t. I was keeping it hidden from myself.”
“Not that. I just didn’t know you were an option.”
“What?”
“I kept telling myself I didn’t love you, Eddie. Because you’re straight, because I won’t spend the rest of my life pining for someone who can never want me, but I didn’t know you could love me back.”
“Buck.”
“Eddie, don’t take it back. I’m supposed to be honest, and if you take it back it’ll kill me. Please don’t take it back.”
“Buck, I - “
And Eddie can’t. He couldn’t take it back now that it’s out there, now that Buck knows. He presses his forehead against Buck’s.
“I was going to kill someone to bring you back to me, and that scares the fuck out of me, but I - I won’t take it back, not if you don’t want me to.”
“I told her to get rid of you. I was willing to give up my life, Eddie, to get you back to Chris. I would have pretended to be her son for the rest of my life if it meant keeping you safe, so maybe we both scare ourselves.”
“Fuck.” Eddie closes his eyes tight. “Buck.”
“Eddie.”
Eddie’s not sure who closes the distance between them but suddenly their lips are pressed against each other, and they’re breathing the same air. Eddie’s desperate for every bit of Buck he can have; he opens his mouth to Buck’s tongue easily, hungrily even. He’s never wanted anything as much. He’s never been so desperate for someone.
It’s not about sex, not now. He knows they’re both still healing, and he won’t push it. But just being here, feeling Buck against him, it’s enough to drive him a little crazy.
Maybe Buck has always driven him crazy. Maybe that’s a good thing.
“Fuck.” Eddie breathes against Buck’s lips.
“I’m so in love with you, Eddie.” Buck wraps his arms around Eddie and pulls him close. “I need you to know that.”
“I - me too. I’m, in love with you too. Don’t fucking do that again; don’t get kidnapped. Stop almost dying. I’ve watched you almost die too many times.”
“I’ll do my best,” Buck says. Eddie feels him press his lips against Eddie’s temple. “Eddie?”
“Yeah, Buck?”
“I don’t think I’m okay.”
“That’s okay.” Eddie squeezes his wrist. “We’ll get there together.”
“Together.” Buck murmurs it softly against Eddie’s hairline. “That sounds nice.”
“Yeah.” Eddie breathes in the air around them, counts the beat of Buck’s pulse. “Yeah, it does sound nice.”