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When Kotoha was 13 years old, Furinen Gardens had taken her and the other children to the beach. It wasn’t her first time swimming, but while she waded in the waves, her leg had cramped. Panicked, she tried to stay afloat by flailing her arms. The water invaded her mouth, and her eyes stung from the salt. She couldn’t scream, and she was afraid no one would come save her. As she thrashed and sank beneath the water, she couldn’t help but think, drowning felt a lot like jealousy.
Jealousy wasn’t an unfamiliar emotion to Kotoha. She had felt it often when she was a child, seeing all the other kids with loving parents. The anger that built inside her was overwhelming. It had made her feel like she was always treading water. Why did all the other kids get two loving parents who saved them from that drowning feeling? Why did she have to try so hard to stay afloat?
By the time she moved into Furinen Gardens, she was a whirlwind of fury. Lashing out at anyone and everyone who seemed to wear a smile on their face. Why were they happy when she felt like she was constantly choking on the water that bubbled up from her gut?
It was miserable. But then in came a very stubborn Hajime Umemiya. She had lashed out at him. His stupid smile was the biggest of everyone around this whole town! Unlike everyone who came before, he didn’t leave her to thrash around trying to save herself.
She learned a lot about jealousy from those years.
It was like a drowning person lashing out to grab on to anything. It was dangerous to be around a drowning person; they could drag others down with them. Just like she almost did to Hajime at the beach when he tried to save her. Or the times she yelled and screamed at him when he was worried.
But she was grateful that Hajime and the people of Makochi never gave up. They saved her from that lonely sea.
When she met Sakura, she knew he was drowning in his own ocean. He lashed out just like her, but she knew if he stayed here, this town could save him as it saved her.
And it did.
Every day, the tension and feral anxiety lessened. He began to connect with every person in Furin and Makochi. It made her feel happy and almost prideful, knowing that their chance meeting led to this moment.
But when she saw him smile for the first time at that booth, surrounded by his classmates, under all that happiness she felt, there was also a familiar bubble that was creeping up in her gut.
Why didn’t he smile like that at her?
She wished she had made him smile first.
And as she saw more smiles and the tension grew softer, there was more bubbling. She was happy for him, but she was also jealous of Furin. They saw more sides of Sakura than she ever could. And they spoke a rough, violent language that reached Sakura more than her words ever could.
She didn’t understand why she was jealous. She only knew that when she saw him leave the cafe with the other Furin boys, she would feel a hot bubbling sadness under the happiness she felt.
But there was one thing the boys at Furin could never take from her, and that was his favorite food, her famous omurice!
At least that was what she thought until this morning, when the jealousy finally bubbled over, and she felt like she was drowning again.
“Mind if I try somethin’ different today? Sakae finally said he’d make omurice tonight,” he said while sitting in his usual stool, grabbing a nearby menu.
She stopped mid-reach for the eggs, “But you only ever eat my omurice.”
There were the bubbles. Slowly building in her gut.
“Yeah, but omurice twice a day is a lot, even for me,” he said as he started reading the menu, “Plus he’s good at cookin’ too, and I’ve been pestering him about makin’ it.”
The bubbles were getting bigger, and she felt hot. She pressed her lips tight together to keep them inside as they traveled up her throat. Her lungs felt tight as her breath became short.
He said something else, but she was already focused on the fact that Momijikawa was cooking for him, too.
It was stupid. She should be happy that he was making such close friendships. Why did she have to be jealous?
“Kotoha?”
She turned her head to Sakura. His dual colored stare looked concerned, “Are ya okay? Ya went quiet there.”
“Are you tired of my omurice?” She turned to him, folding her arms. She should have kept her mouth closed. Nothing good came of her feeling jealous. Sakura wasn’t Hajime. He wouldn’t understand or put up with her, nor did he have to.
“What?” he sat there stunned before replying, “I just wanted to-”
“Are you trying to see who the better cook is?” she asked. She didn’t know why she asked. She didn’t want an answer. She didn’t want to be compared to another person. She spent too much time comparing herself to others.
“What do ya mean?” he looked confused and angry. “I never said that! Yer actin’ crazy!”
“Crazy?!? I cook you the same thing every morning! I even insist you try something else!” she said as she started grabbing a frying pan. “But now that Momijikawa wants to make omurice for you, it's ‘let’s try something new’!”
She grabbed a bowl and started mixing in some ingredients for pancakes. If he wanted something new, she would make him something new!
“I don’t need to eat here if ya don’t wanna make somethin’ else!” he yelled back as he stood.
“Oh no!” She spoke as she pointed a wooden spoon directly into his face. His eyes crossed just to look at it. “I’m going to make you something else, and it’s going to be the best thing you've ever tasted! So sit back down!”
He narrowed his eyes into a glare but sat down with a huff.
There was a thick silence as she angrily mixed the batter and put it into the greased pan. If he wanted something else, he was going to get the best frickin’ pancakes in Japan!
As she watched the batter start to bubble, waiting for the right time to flip them, she was reminded of the bubbles currently making their way up and out.
Why was the thought of someone else making food for Sakura so hurtful? Hajime and the other Furin kids went to plenty of other places to eat. She never felt jealous like this.
She snuck a glance at her current source of turmoil. He wasn’t glaring anymore, but he was pouting as he stared out the glass door.
Turning away, she flipped the pancakes over, and while she waited, she reached over to the nearby fridge and pulled out some premade whipped cream and fruit.
Sakura looked up when she returned to the pan and watched her start to plate the three pancakes, buttering each one. She could tell it smelled good from how his nose twitched.
Next, she added the syrup, whipped cream, and a few berries, topping it off with some powdered sugar.
She awkwardly placed the food in front of him with a fork and knife and turned to get him some coffee. Except he shot his hand out to grab her wrist.
“I still want yer omurice in the future. I just… also wanted to try yer other stuff,” he said as he looked at the pancakes.
“It’s just,” he paused before continuing, “I haven’t had a lot of different stuff before. And eatin’ Sakae’s food made me think that you could make a lotta other good stuff besides omurice.”
There was a slight tinge of pink on his cheeks. It was becoming rarer lately, but still flared up when he was embarrassed. As his face grew pink, the bubbles slowly receded, returning deep down to her gut.
“I’m sor-”
“I’m sorry!” she cut him off quickly.
“Huh?”
“I’m sorry,” she started again, “I was jealous.”
“Huh!?” his face was slack-jawed, but his grip was still warm and tight around her wrist.
She looked down and continued, “I was jealous that you might like Sakae’s cooking better and was worried you’d really like his omurice more. I think I was even scared you might stop coming.”
She looked down, ashamed. Jealousy was ugly, but it was like drowning for a reason. She may have relied on anger to keep her afloat, but in reality, she was scared. Scared no one would pull her from the water.
She was scared that with the more friends he made, the more distant Sakura would become. Scared that her place would be erased by Sakae. But that was no excuse. She was the one who encouraged him to make all these friends. And she was happy he was! Sakura deserved it, and he needed friends if he was going to be the top! She was just a drowning idiot who almost pulled Sakura back down into her lonely depths.
Her eyes felt hot. It was embarrassing that she showed that side of herself.
Sakura let out a huff, “That’s it? You were jealous? Ya should’ve just said somethin’. I would have told Sakae to make something else.”
She looked up, and she saw him scratching the back of his neck with his free hand. His face was dusted with an even darker rosy color.
She smiled but shook her head, “No, eat his omurice. Then you can come back and tell me how much better mine is.”
“I told ya, it ain’t a competition!” he argued.
“Oh, it is 100% a competition now! I have to keep my best customer!” she laughed.
He looked like he was going to insist it wasn’t a competition, but the bell over the door rang. And the two teens, still holding hands, turned their heads to find a very amused Granny Sato.
“Oh, don’t mind me, you two love birds,” she laughed as she walked past to her usual seat.
Sakura finally let go of her wrist. The poor boy looked like he was about to explode. He was redder than Hajime’s tomatoes.
Before Sakura could die from embarrassment, she turned to Granny Sato and said, “It’s not like that. Sakura was just overwhelmed by my pancakes.”
She then turned back to Sakura and told him, “Eat your pancakes, I’m excited about what you think about something that isn’t my omurice!”
At the reminder of the pancakes, Sakura’s blush faded a little. He awkwardly picked up the fork and started to eat. When he popped the first bit of the fluffy treat into his mouth, the blush was completely gone, and all his attention was focused on inhaling her pancakes.
Yes, jealousy was like drowning, but thankfully, there were people brave enough to save a drowning person like her.