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Hmm… That's not right either…
Ivan peers at his reflection in the mirror, leaning to the side and looking for a while before standing up straight again, his eyebrows furrowed hard in concentration. He taps his arms against his sides and rocks up onto his tiptoes and back a few times, hoping if he stands there staring long enough maybe the mirror will give him some sort of information further than what it's giving him at the moment, which is simply what he looks like, and that's not really what he needs to know. He needs to know if Till is going to like how he looks.
Of course, the only one who can tell him that is Till himself, but like heck Ivan can just outright ask him that, that would be so embarrassing! What if Till thinks he's stupid, or worse, thinks he looks bad? Ivan would just die from shame. He needs to know if Till is going to like how he looks before meeting him at the cinema for the movie. The only problem is that Ivan has no idea what Till would like him to look like, but he doesn't want to let the chance to surprise Till by looking nicely go to waste, so he's been stuck in front of the mirror trying on clothes for half an hour, not seeming to get any closer to making a decision.
Ivan knows this isn't a date, he knows that, but is it still so wrong to think that maybe he could show up looking just like how Till would like, so maybe he'd have at least a little bit of a chance for Till to look at him like he's something special? Maybe something at least kinda similar to how he looks at Mizi..? Ivan knows it's selfish, but he can't help wanting it anyway. He sighs sadly and flops back seated onto his bed, bouncing a little. This is getting him nowhere.
Ivan looks at his feet on the floor and turns them inwards, wiggling his toes inside his socks and looking at them curiously as if they're not a part of his own body. He feels guilty for thinking of this as something precious when he knows there's no way it means nearly as much to Till, if anything much at all. They're just best friends, so he shouldn't be thinking this hard just about going to see a movie together. They'll be in the dark the whole time anyway, who cares what Ivan looks like in the five whole minutes Till will even be able to see him before the film?
…But he can't stop thinking about it. It's just sensible to try to make use of the opportunity. Five minutes of Till thinking he looks nice is better than zero minutes, so he feels like he needs to make the most of it. Looking at the reflection of the black turtleneck and slacks he's wearing, he feels he looks nice enough, but this is too plain. Till likes exciting stuff, not something so boring like like this… but the only thing Ivan can really think of he hasn't tried is looking more like… well, a girl.
That's what's normal, right? Boys and girls go on dates to the cinema together on the weekends. Till is a boy and he's got the kind of body boys are usually born with, but, while in many respects Ivan feels like he didn't get that lucky, it's occurring to him that maybe in this sense, he is lucky. Ivan knows Till likes girls because Till definitely likes Mizi, so what if Ivan tries to use his body the way it's meant to be used? Maybe that would look better! …But the idea isn't very appealing, if he's honest.
Ivan's been a boy for as long as he can remember and Till's always understood it, probably understood it before Ivan did, himself, even, but the trouble about being a boy and liking Till is that Till doesn't like boys, so there's no chance of Till liking Ivan. Ivan wants Till to like him though, the same way that Till likes girls, so he's considering maybe he'd be better off ignoring what normally feels good for him and try to think about what would feel good for Till. Ivan wants to make Till happy, after all! This is about Till, not Ivan.
Till hasn't been looking at Ivan the way he used to. They're still best friends, but it feels like things have been changing as they're getting older, and Ivan's been getting more and more nervous that Till might forget about him if he can't keep Till's attention somehow. Ivan's hair isn't long and pretty like Mizi's, he's not cute like she is, he's not really nice and friendly, either. Ivan is very smart, quiet, and polite; he mostly keeps to himself and, for the most part, has just clung to Till like his shadow since they were little. He feels like he doesn't have much to offer Till at all except being a good listener and being there to support Till when he's struggling. He's not fun or interesting and, worst of all, he's not a girl.
Till is brilliant, but he's not easy to understand or get close to, so he doesn't really have friends outside of Ivan. He's not smart like Ivan is, but he's really good with music in a way very few people are. He can be rowdy, but he's fun and really creative. He's kind and has a big heart, but it seems like feelings, both good and bad, are a lot bigger for Till than they are for other people, and it's hard for him to manage, so he cries and gets angry more than other people... but Till laughs a lot and smiles a lot, too… and when Till smiles at Ivan? Wow. Just… wow.
Till makes Ivan feel all sorts of ways that he doesn't know how to put into words; it makes his chest feel tight, it feels good and it hurts at the same time. No one will ever mean anything to Ivan as much as Till does, he feels certain about that. They were each other's first friend and they've been inseparable ever since. Ivan doesn't ever, ever want to be apart from Till, so he needs to do whatever he needs to do so Till won't leave him behind.
Ivan's starting to feel like if that means looking more like a girl, then… he'll do it, but only because it's Till. Till's always been good about him being a boy so maybe he can just be a boy that looks like a girl… maybe that would be enough for Till… he'll just have to try and find out, but that means he has to start somewhere, and that somewhere is his big sister's bedroom.
Ivan knows Sua is over at Mizi's house for the weekend so he slips into her room to borrow some of her clothes— he'll have them washed and returned back to her closet before she gets home; she'll never know he borrowed them anyway, so it's fine if he doesn't ask. He and Sua look really similar, even for siblings, especially because they were born with the same kind of body— they could be called twins, even though they're not, so he does at least feel fairly confident he can look nice in something of hers. He just needs to figure out what, and he needs to figure it out pretty quick or he's gonna be late.
Sua's style is simple and dark like his, but, naturally, more feminine. After rummaging through her things and trying some on in front of her mirror, Ivan eventually decides on a fairly simple outfit: a black tank top with a lacy neckline and a thin, white, long-sleeved cardigan to go over it, a black choker, a simple mid-thigh length black and white ruffly layered skirt, black stockings, and black knee-high boots.
He does feel like if he were a girl like Sua is, this would probably be a pretty cute look, he just isn't really recognizing himself in the mirror, so it's hard to tell if it actually looks good or not. It feels a little weird and definitely awkward but he's not having the worst time of it, so he feels he should be able to pull it off okay. He keeps trying to tune out his own feelings about it and focus on looking at himself as if Till is the one looking at him, and it makes the discomfort more bearable.
He doesn't know if Till would like a girl with Sua's fashion sense because Sua sure looks a lot different from Mizi, but Ivan feels like there's definitely not a more colorful fashion style that he wouldn't look like a clown in, anyway, so this is the best he's got to work with. His dark eyes with deep red pupils and his black hair suggest something minimalist in color like the outfit he's chosen suits him best. He hopes desperately that it will be enough to win Till's favor… even just a little bit, even just for a little while… It would just be nice to feel more secure that Till isn't losing interest in him as a friend, since there's basically no chance of Till ever thinking of him as anything else. Ivan tries very hard not to think about that part.
He tries to pose cutely in the mirror like he's seen Mizi and some other girls do sometimes, making little hearts by his face and with his arms over his head. He tries to smile and look friendly, but no matter what he does, it just doesn't really feel like his own face or his own body. He feels like his short hair— even shorter than Sua's— is probably betraying how feminine he's supposed to look, but he can't worry about that now, he's already started to run late as it is! It doesn't feel real and he's nervous he'll look really dumb, but he's going to try his very best for Till, who will hopefully at least not hate it. It's feminine after all, and Till likes girls, so doesn't that mean it'll still be at least a little valuable?
He anxiously puts his wallet in one pocket of the cardigan and his phone in the other and smooths his hands over everything, giving himself one more look-over in the mirror before heading out. He's not looking at himself in the mirror, but he is looking at what most people would have every reason to think is a girl in a cute outfit, which he's feeling should give him a better chance of fixing things with Till than if he was just going as himself, a regular plain boy that got cursed with the wrong body. He really hopes this works!
—
Till is idly messing around on his phone sitting on a public bench outside the cinema when he just barely catches the visual of the sleek black car pulling up on the curb nearby out of the corner of his vision. Glancing up, he recognizes it as a member of the fleet from Ivan's very well-to-do family's freaking armada of help and, sure enough, Ivan's black hair raises up into view from behind the back door as it opens. Till closes out of the game app he was playing, clears his apps, and checks the time before locking his phone and putting it in his pocket while Ivan quickly rushes over to him.
Ivan had been in a neurotic mental battle the entire way to the cinema, his nervous, insecure thoughts oscillating like the rapid back-and-forth of a bouncy ball aggressively thrown against a narrow hallway wall. Only just before opening the car door had he finally decided it's fine, it's definitely fine. It's going to go great, in fact. It makes perfect sense, there's every reason for it to go well. Till likes girls and Ivan is his best friend, so logically speaking, what could possibly be better to Till than his best friend looking like a girl? Absolutely nothing, that's what! Not to mention, Ivan even already has a girl's body, so it's perfect! Ivan's done the right thing and he can't wait to see how much Till likes it. It will definitely be worth it when he sees Till's face—
When Till looks up again he jolts slightly in surprise because Ivan is already right next to him and apologizing for being late between gasps, the way he's bent forward catching his breath obscuring a majority of his body. Till waves his hand and tells him not to worry about it because they still have time. Eventually Ivan looks up at Till and corrects his posture to become upright, allowing Till to finally fully take in the sight of him.
Ivan holds the long sleeves of his cardigan a little and extends his arms out to the side, leaning over to the side a little and trying his best to smile wide the same smile he's seen Mizi make at his sister a million times. To anyone around who didn't know any better, he does look like an absolutely adorable little angel of a very young teenage girl. Unfortunately for Ivan, however, Till isn't just anyone, Till is his best friend, so Till does know better— better than anyone.
Till would have dropped his phone if he had still been holding it, but fortunately he'd already put it away, so all that was dropped in this moment was the bomb on his head from seeing Ivan— that is Ivan, isn't it?— in…
"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU WEARING?" Till nearly yells, reflexively jerking back along the bench and clutching onto it as if for dear life. His eyes are open as wide as they go, but his pupils are shrunk to the size of pin heads, his mouth lack-jawed in raw terror. He looks like he's seen every kind of ghost and devil there is in mythology the world over at the same time.
Ivan's heart instantly drops to the pit of his stomach like an elevator that's had the suspension wires cut and a tidal wave of nausea and shame wash over him, causing him to clench his jaw hard— still smiling, though, like he was taught to do. This isn't how it was supposed to go. Why is he withdrawing? Why doesn't he like it? Even if he thought it was ugly, isn't this reaction still way too negative? Maybe Ivan himself is the problem. Maybe—
"Ahaha, Till looks like you've seen a ghost before the movie's even started!" Ivan stands up straight and clasps his arms behind his back, willing the tears away from his eyes with highly trained success. He breathes slow, measured breaths, continuing to smile at Till more subtly with his mouth closed, jaw still strung tight. His fingernails dig into the fabric of the sweater and he has to remind himself this is Sua's sweater and he can't damage it just because he wants to damage himself.
Ivan tilts his head to the side, curiously looking at Till. He shuffles the bottom of his— Sua's— boot on the sidewalk and looks down at himself before looking back up at Till, "Hehe, is it really that bad..? I just, thought it might be nice to, change it up a little, you know…?"
Till is visibly panicking, hands trembling and white-knuckled clutching the bench. He's working his jaw with great effort and for a few moments no sound gets out, but when it finally does, it's nearly explosive.
"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN 'CHANGE IT UP'?? YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED YOUR WARDROBE EVEN ONCE SINCE YOU WERE SEVEN!!! Seriously, why are you wearing that, you hate feminine clothes!! Did you like, find a miracle cure for dysphoria overnight and just, just wanted to give me a heart attack surprising me in person instead of telling over the phone or something?? Where did you even get all that?! Are you— are you just trying to freak me out?? Or are you— wait, are you sick? Do you need help?? Are you DYING? Ivan SPEAK TO ME, WHAT IS GOING ON??"
Ivan, despite all his training, is still just a child, and Till's impression of him means everything to him, so about halfway into Till ranting, Ivan had also begun to visibly panic, drawing his trembling arms in close to his chest and curling into himself slightly even while standing, starting to fidget nervously with his sleeves. He's increasingly close to crying with every new word Till says and incredibly overwhelmed because this is absolutely nothing like how it was supposed to go! This doesn't make any sense!
"Till, I-I'm sorry, I didn't… I didn't think…" Ivan's beyond embarrassed and frustrated because he can't manage to stabilize his voice, even though he's really trying to. He just feels safe with Till so it's harder to do like he's been told— trained— to, that's all. He looks at the ground miserably, too ashamed to keep looking at Till, whose expression is so awful Ivan feels like he'll never forget it.
"I didn't… I didn't think you'd hate it this much, even if… even if you didn't like it, which… I didn't, really think would happen, anyway…" Ivan laughs nervously, eyes burning feeling the tears start to form at the corners despite his best efforts, "I'm sorry, I… T-this was a pretty dumb idea after all, huh?" Ivan nods to himself, kicking himself internally for being stupid enough to even hope, much less completely deluding himself into believing it would go well. Now Till is going to hate him forever and it's entirely his own fault. He desperately wants to disappear.
Ivan chews his lips and takes a shaky breath, "I just... I, I thought if, if I looked— that, that Till might look at me again, if— you know, if I looked… more like, a girl..."
Till blinks in complete bewilderment. Did he hear Ivan correctly just now? He shakes his head rapidly, "W-what?! Ivan, WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?? What do you mean "look at you again"?? WHY THE HECK would I want you to look more like a girl? Who the heck wants other people to look like other genders? That's so freaking weird as a concept! Besides, I— I LIKED THE WAY YOU LOOKED ALREADY!! You looked fine! There's never been a problem with the way you look!! Like I— I don't hate the outfit, Ivan, that's not the point— I hate how uncomfortable you look!!"
Ivan blinks a few times in surprise, the faintest fresh tears dissipating from his thick, dark eyelashes. Despite his shame, he can't help looking up at Till because he really wants to believe this isn't actually going as horrible as it feels like it's going, especially not when he tried so hard to do the right thing. Why is Till bring up him being uncomfortable, though, Till can tell that..? Even when Ivan is trying his absolute best to look normal and happy…?
Till shakes his head in disbelief, "We've known each other our whole lives, you think I can't tell when you're uncomfortable?? If you hadn't come in your family's car I'd have thought somebody bullied you into wearing that and I would have been on my way to kill them five minutes ago!! There's no way you're really wearing that because you want to!! Even if it wasn't super weird to want someone to look like a different gender, which it is, what makes you think I want you to make yourself uncomfortable for me?? YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, WHY WOULD I EVER WANT THAT?? Seriously, WHAT has gotten into you—"
Till actually takes a moment to process Ivan's expression and Ivan very much looks like he's about to shatter into more pieces than a jigsaw puzzle the size of the earth and he realizes he needs to deescalate, "O-okay, okay. It's okay! Ch-cheer up, Ivan, don't cry! Let's just slow down, you gotta explain this to me. You know how dumb I am and I definitely have no idea what's going on. C'mere, sit down," Till pats the space on the bench next to him for emphasis.
Ivan blinks away the new tears that had started forming on his lashes and rapidly shakes his head, eyes widening with fear, "W-what? N-no, we can't, what about the movie? I know how much you were looking forward to it, we're gonna be late. We gotta—"
"FORGET THE MOVIE, MY BEST FRIEND IS IN DANGER!!" Till retaliates fervently, "I look forward to my best friend not going off the freaking deep end more than ANYTHING!! Now please come sit down or I'm gonna come pick you up and put you on the bench myself!"
Ivan presses his arms into his chest at the intense ache he feels hearing Till call him his best friend and that Till is prioritizing him over the movie even though Till's been looking forward to it coming out for months. Ivan feels so special and loved and like he doesn't deserve it and it's surprisingly hard to cope with.
Truth be told, he likes the idea of Till picking him up and making him sit on the bench, but would feel way too guilty for making Till go through all that trouble for him, so he meekly shuffles over to the bench and sits down next to Till, staying as curled into himself as he feasibly can. He looks down at what he believes should be his own knees, but the skirt he's never worn before and doesn't belong to him makes him not quite able to fully make the connection. He feels far away from his body and from Till, too, which feels a lot worse.
Till exhales loudly as if he'd been holding his breath, "Thank you, jeez… Okay, now, I don't know what's gotten into you, but it seems like somehow you got a whooole bunch of weird ideas in your head that we gotta set straight so, just… Um… Is there a beginning to any of this..? Where is all this coming from?"
Ivan chews his lower lip trying to think of what he can say besides, 'I like you, but you only like girls, so logically speaking I have to be girl if I have any chance of you ever liking me back. So, here I am at the cinema for our BestBro DudeGuy outing looking like a girl because I'm selfish and I wanted it to be a date instead, but I've made a complete fool of myself because you still don't like me anyway, and now you might even dislike me more than ever, so I kinda wish I was dead, honestly', because that would be the truth and it's not the time to tell the truth— at least not the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help him, Till. He tries to think of how he can even begin to explain it that won't be a lie, something that still could get to the heart of his feelings without laying everything bare that might make Till push him away forever, and eventually comes along to the notion that it all really just starts with Till's eyes.
Ivan looks down at what should be his feet, but to him, all he's looking at is his older sister's boots. He tries wiggling his toes inside the stockings he has on like he'd done in his own socks before, but he can't see his feet inside the boots, so not only does it not feel any more like his own body than it did before, now it feels even less so, and he feels very stupid for trying, but… Till is reaching out to him and wants to understand him, so he has to keep trying, and he'll do it even though he's scared, but only because it's Till. He takes a deep breath and tries to start stringing his thoughts together like beads on a bracelet string— perhaps a friendship bracelet.
"...You don't look at me anymore..." Ivan starts timidly, voice quiet, almost to the point of mumbling, but not quite, "At school, at each others houses, when we're out... It just feels like, when I look over at you anymore, you suddenly look away, or you won't look at me when we're talking, and I don't know why… It's made me feel like, am I really that hard to look at anymore..? Do you really think I'm that ugly? Maybe you're starting to hate me, I don't know, but..."
"I've noticed how much you look at that girl at school, the one with the long pink hair, Mizi. You smile when you look at her... It seems like, every time I look at you lately, you're looking at her..."
Ivan stims anxiously with the long sleeves of the cardigan, gently twisting the fabric with his fingers. He's trying his best to not do too much so he doesn't damage it or Sua will definitely kill him, "I'm worried that, maybe we're just getting older... maybe you don't really need me anymore, maybe you'd rather be with a girl because they're nicer to look at, and, that's whats normal, and stuff... For boys to end up with girls… So, I thought... Maybe, maybe I wouldn't have to lose you if I could, if I could just be pretty to look at, too... I do have a girl's body after all, so I thought, maybe I could still save our friendship, if it wouldn't be so hard to look at me anymore. Maybe you could just pretend I'm a girl, since I look like one anyway…"
"I-I mean, I don't expect you to, to think of me like you would, a girl, or anything," Ivan quickly starts trying to clarify, flush rising on his cheeks, "J-just that, if I was pretty and soft like a girl, like that girl, maybe then..." Despite trying very hard to keep it steady, Ivan's voice begins to waver, his heart hurting too much for him to bear, "Maybe then at least you wouldn't, turn away from me all the time... I, I thought… I thought I was your best friend, but… now you, you cant even, look at me anymore, like I'm just some, repulsive, thing..." Ivan clenches his jaw hard, but that still doesn't stop the tears from starting to fall, the drops quickly soaking into the cardigan sleeves over his hands, which are clutching the skirt he's wearing tightly in his best attempt to hold it all in.
Despite his young age, Till is already adept at many things, and at the top of this list of many things are highlights like playing the guitar and what he's doing right now: panicking. He is stunned speechless and absolutely dumbfounded aside from how panic-stricken he is, which is quite severely. His mouth is moving like he's desperately trying to get something to come out, but it's not happening at all.
Ivan can't see him right now, but he has his arms out and is moving them around animatedly, awkwardly not knowing where to put them, but clearly having a great motivation to try to do something. It's actually suspended animation, but the animation itself isn't what's suspended; what's suspended is the very abundant amount of animation actually being useful in any way in the midst of the current crisis.
There's no way he can even begin to fix all of this at once and, worst of all, he has no idea where to even start to fix even a little bit of it. If Ivan wasn't in tears, Till would almost be inclined to think this is a very mean prank, but Ivan hasn't played pranks on him for years and certainly not one anything like this.
"Ivan..?" Till laughs nervously, scratching the back of his head, feeling his heartbeat in his ears, "Ivan, really, you're not… You're telling me all of this—" Ivan isn't looking at him, but Till helplessly gestures with both hands to Ivan in his entirety anyway, "—is about that dumb girl at school?? because I look at her a lot??"
Ivan is ashamed of himself and can't look up still, but he has to nod.
"I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HER YOU BLOCKHEAD, SHE REMINDS ME OF MY MOM!"
Ivan's eyes widen, tears still falling from them, feeling the slightest spark of hope in his heart and the feeling in his chest expands so hard, then immediately retracts and aches so terribly because he feels stupid for getting his hopes up so easily. He wants Till so badly, though, any crumb of hope inevitably means the world to him and he can't help that.
His thoughts then continue on to Till's mother and he remembers how she died when Till was still a baby. After that, Till got put into foster care and, after getting rejected a few times, eventually ended up with a really, really awful adoptive father that just took him in for the welfare check once a month. Till's always coming to school with new injuries, but he gets in fights so much the teachers all assume it's from other kids and not coming from issues at home. Ivan partially thinks that the reason Till gets into fights in the first place, is so they won't look into whether or not it's coming from home, because who knows how much worse things might get for Till if he tattles. Ivan doesn't want to think about it.
Till smiles just a little, but there's deep sadness in it a child his age shouldn't ever be made to feel. He looks at his feet, too, pensive and vulnerable in a way that he only feels safe expressing around Ivan.
"You know, she died when I was really little and I got moved around a lot between orphanages and stuff because nobody wanted me. I was angry all the time, and I still am, but I know she loved me a lot… I remember singing with her and her hugs, and her smile... but, I don't even have any pictures of her, I don't have any portrait to put on an altar or to keep in my wallet or backpack. I can't even remember her face very clearly, but that girl at school, her smile… somehow it really reminds me of my mom's... So, when I look at her, it's kinda like, getting to see mom's face again, y'know..? It makes me really sad, but it makes me feel really safe, too… remembering that, once upon a time, I was loved, I was wanted…"
"I miss her a lot, and not that anyone is really around to listen except you anyways, but I can't go around every day moping about it because nobody wants to hear me whine about that stuff, so, looking at that girl feels like… I dunno, I thought it was a way for me to think about mom and allow myself to miss her without hurting anybody, but… dang, I was really wrong, huh..?" Till looks over to Ivan sheepishly to try to get a feel for how the information is landing.
Ivan, having stopped crying after finding some relief in the idea of Till not actually having a crush on the girl at school like he thought, nods slowly, processing, "..That does explain why you look at her so much, but... it doesn't explain why you won't look at me anymore..."
Till flinches hard at the confrontation and immediately breaks into a cold sweat; a flush quickly rises to his cheeks and spreads all the way down his neck to his shoulders. He rubs his neck awkwardly and glances around, "W-well, that's, that's something else, yeah— b-but you, Ivan, you're—" Till laughs nervously, "Well, uhm, you're... I-it's because..."
Ivan looks up and over at Till because it's unusual for Till to be this lost for words around him, and his tone is different, one Ivan doesn't recall Till ever speaking to him in before. Till is often tongue-tied, but it's basically always around people he doesn't feel emotionally secure with, which makes sense to Ivan. Ivan's as emotionally secure as they come for Till, though, that's what being best friends means, after all. So, Ivan tilts his head and peers at Till, intensely curious. What's with this strange behavior all of a sudden..?
Till has part of his face obscured by the back of his hand, but what Ivan is able to see is blushing fiercely. Till winces slightly when Ivan looks at him and makes a pathetic noise in his throat and Ivan immediately feels a sob swell up in his chest again from the sense of rejection, but it doesn't completely reach the surface because it doesn't actually make sense for Till to be wincing as if in pain when he's so red like that and stammering, so Ivan is actually too bewildered and confused to really internalize his fear of rejection that moment. His autistic brain demands a sense of logic and right now in these circumstances it's so severely lacking that it's managed to interrupt his emotional distress.
Ivan looks directly at Till, trying to find an answer in his expression, but he can't make any sense of it. He instinctively leans closer to Till on the bench, the primal urge to know and understand subconsciously urging him to physically move his body towards the source of interest, "Till..? Because I'm what..?"
Till bites the inside of his cheek so hard it almost bleeds to try to contain his flustered turmoil before making voice very forcibly stern, "Y-you're, you're my best friend, Ivan..! Because you're my best friend…" Till looks back at the ground and scrubs his burning cheeks with the side of his hand, trying to cosmically will the redness away, naturally with utterly zero success, "W-when I look at you, lately, it feels like, my eyes don't see you as simply as they used to, it's like there's all the usual stuff, but new stuff too, stuff I don't understand... It's confusing, and scary, and, all I feel really sure of is that I really, really, really, really don't want to, lose you, as my best friend, so... it's just felt, safer, maybe…? If I just don't, look at you..."
"I-I'm sure that sounds really stupid and it's definitely not worth making you feel, all of this, insanity, good grief, I… I really didn't know, me being a coward was hurting you so much, Ivan… and I'm really sorry..."
Till intentionally gently brushes the side of his hand against Ivan's that was resting on the bench when putting his own down next to it and just Till touching him so lightly makes Ivan's heart leap into his throat.
Till stammers terribly in his delicate, shy self's very brave attempt to communicate, "C'mon, Ivan… You're not, repulsive, there's no way I'd ever think something like that... and anyway, t-thats, that's the, that's the problem, is that, it's, it's the... it's the whole opposite... y'know? It's like... Y-youre my best friend, so I, I shouldn't be, finding you as... as so… so…" He trails off, raising his free hand up to start biting his nails compulsively, reflexively trying to cope with the intense anxiety and fear of rejection.
Ivan's chest is tight from the trepidation, but he risks brushing his fingers against Till's with his hand that is slightly smushed side-to-side against Till's on the bench, "So..?"
"Attractive," Till says too loudly in exasperation, immediately slamming his hand over his mouth and closing his eyes tight, cringing with his whole body and making a pathetic whine in his throat. He hides his face in his arm and takes several deep breaths before continuing, "Attractive…" Till says much quieter in a way that makes Ivan's belly tingle, "As… As I have been, lately…" Till swallows thickly and gradually rubs his burning face with his hand while continuing to talk, tears of his own starting to form at the corners of his eyes, "R-right..? T-that sounds, silly, right..? I've been feeling so much like, 'Yikes, I'm such a freak, Ivan's gonna hate my guts'… I'm really sorry…" Till laughs apprehensively and rubs the back of his neck with the hand that isn't in contact with the side of Ivan's.
Ivan stares at Till with tears in his eyes, again, in absolute awe, "Till... You're saying, you haven't been looking at me, because, you're scared you'll lose me… because you, you think I'm, more attractive than you should think I am, as your best friend… Is that right..?"
Till does a high, nervous laugh, still rubbing his neck uneasily, his despondent tone highlighted by the quiver in his voice, "I-I mean, yeah… 'Cause it's, gonna push you away now, right..? You're gonna think I'm a weirdo and, not, be normal with me anymore, and I, really didn't want that to happen, because I, I—"
Ivan suddenly punches Till on his upper arm, eyebrows narrowed in frustration, feeling a blood rush through his whole body from reacting so viscerally, "BECAUSE YOU LIKE ME, YOU BLOCKHEAD!"
Till recoils, grabbing his shoulder defensively, Ivan having caught him by surprise because Till had been focusing his eyes Anywhere Else to avoid the confrontation of Ivan's gaze. He abandons that resolve now, quickly looking over at Ivan resentfully, "OW! WHAT'S YOUR— ...problem..."
Ivan is now openly crying and blushing, which Till has never seen before in either of their young lives, "You jerk..! I've been so scared you were gonna think I was a weirdo and not be normal with me anymore for liking you too much... and here you were the whole time, feeling that way about me, too..!"
Till is still rubbing his shoulder to soothe the pain from the punch, feeling like Ivan's still got it— he had always won their fights back when they were little, somehow even when he was still substantially smaller than Till. After the pain in his shoulder has subsided enough for his brain to entertain other thoughts, he blinks dumbly, looking at Ivan wide-eyed in stupefaction.
"...What..?" Till continues trying to process language while taking his turn to search through Ivan's expression, trying to make sense of it all, "H-hold on, i-is that what, THIS, was all for?? You dressed up like a girl because you thought I wouldn't ever like you like that as a boy?? What is this, a blockhead competition??"
Ivan sulks while drying his tears with his sleeves, chest still burning from the hurt, "If it is, you're winning! It's true, isn't it?!"
Till is absolutely flummoxed, "NO???"
Ivan is now equally bewildered, taking a few moments to process Till's reply before raising his voice in discombobulation, "...YOU LIKE BOYS?!"
Till's voice is increasingly shrill and now drawing the attention of people on the sidewalk, "STRIKE TWO, I'M AFRAID!"
Ivan is nearly yelling, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE GIRLS OR BOYS, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?!"
Till is definitely yelling, "YOU!"
…
They stare at each other for several moments just blinking dumbly, both of their cheeks burning and hearts racing like crazy, breathing heavy despite both of them being stationary sitting on public bench. Both are equally incredulous and speechless for at least half a minute.
"...Okay, I take it back. Maybe I am winning," Ivan says at last.
Till starts laughing almost deliriously and Ivan's heart is aching with affection along with everything else it's doing, which is so much— it feels so full at Till's radiant laugh that he can't help starting to laugh, himself, feeling like maybe they're both going crazy, but at least they're going crazy together. For a few precious minutes they're just picturesque young teens stuck in a fit of giggles together in their own little world, a simple public bench outside an unremarkable cinema.
Till eventually calms down and gently knocks his calf against Ivan's, "Nahhh, I won't let you take the crown..." He takes a deep breath and his tone becomes a little remorseful, "Me not realizing I was making my best friend feel this bad is a lot more blockheadish than, than..." Till makes a flustered noise in his throat, his cheeks reddening anew, "…You, not realizing, your best friend, a-already, likes you back..."
Ivan's normally pale cheeks are warming anew in kind and his voice is timid, "...You really mean it?"
"C'mon, Ivan, really? You've known me so long we don't even remember when we met and you're better at reading people than you think, you're really smart. We both know by now it's absolutely pointless for me to try to lie to you, you've always seen right through me super easily— like completely infuriatingly easily— that's why it felt like… my only option, to not lose you, was to avoid you..."
Ivan hums pensively, trying to both ignore and cherish how warm his face feels from Till's compliments, "Isn't avoiding me kind of losing me anyway, though?"
Till is still for a moment and then begins nodding slowly as he processes, "Yeah... Yeah, you're right... See? Blockhead of the year, this guy. The undefeated champion," Till makes dramatic silly faces while jokingly flexing his completely non-existent muscles for emphasis and Ivan laughs lightly in return, the sound soft and bright like starlight.
Till gradually stops his antics and shivers all over and grins, saying under his breath, but unintentionally loud enough that Ivan is still able to hear it clearly, "Yeah, that's the good stuff."
"Hm? What is?"
Till makes a small embarrassed noise in his throat and ducks his head, swallowing with great effort because he's been caught, yet again, "Uh, just, y-your laugh… I-it's really good... You, cried a lot, because of me, so… it's just, really nice to know I can, I can still make you laugh..."
"Of course you can, silly!" Ivan affectionately knocks his shin against Till's the way Till had done just previously to distract himself from how much his cheeks are burning before the concept of laughing and crying reminds him of the movie they were supposed to see that they've most certainly missed a critical portion of by now because of their talk. He starts suddenly, turning towards the ticket booth, "OH NO, THE FILM—"
"Hey, don't worry about it! This was way more important! I'm being rude and inviting myself over for tonight and we can just come see it tomorrow instead. Let's get you home so you can give Sua back her clothes— they're hers and not yours for a reason, y'know? I'm trying to have a good time with you and I can't have a good time unless you're having a good time, too, and you'll have a better time doing anything in your own freaking clothes, don't you think?"
Till shudders briefly before continuing, "I don't ever wanna see you that uncomfortable in clothes ever again, I don't care what presentation they're for, what matters is that you like it and you're comfortable in it... You should have seen the look on your face when you first walked up, about gave me a heart attack..."
Ivan makes a disappointed noise in his throat, "...It was that obvious..? I was smiling and everything..."
"The law of equivalent exchange: I can't lie to you and you can't mask with me, it's kinda the same thing."
"Ah... That sounds about right, you got me there..." Ivan heaves a big sigh, "Alright, I wanna give my sister back her stuff anyway; I gotta wash it first or she'll flip. I'll switch into my own clothes when we get back to my house and… I'll only wear what I really wanna wear from now on, promise…" Ivan says it confidently, but he looks like he's concentrating on something far away.
"...What's that look for?" Till asks curiously.
Ivan flinches, feeling just as guilty as Till always does for being easily readable again, "Ah… Well... You've already seen me a million times in all the stuff I have, like you said, besides needing to get bigger things because I've grown out of them, I haven't changed my wardrobe since I was seven… So, that means I don't really have anything special to wear for, going out... but I, I want to, look nice, if we're, going out... together, you know... like, like a—"
"A date?" Till supplies, "Part of you dressing up like this is because you wanted to look nice, because you were wanting us going to the movies together today to be a date?"
Ivan chews his lip anxiously again and avoids Till's eyes, "W-well, you're my best friend and, we're both, boys, I-I didn't think you'd want to go as a date, so I was, kind of in my own head about it, I guess..." Ivan curls up guiltily into himself again, "D-do you, resent me f—"
"WELL HECK, WAS I INVITED TO OUR DATE?? AT LEAST ASK ME OUT SO I KNOW IT'S A FREAKING DATE, TOO!"
Ivan turns quickly to look at Till but blinks slowly for a moment before hopeful tears start to swim in his eyes, his chest swelling with emotion, he chews his lips a little and swallows hard, "...W-will you go on a, a date with me... to the cinema, t-tomorrow night, Till..? P-please..?"
"HECK YES I WILL!" Till says eagerly, grinning wide. He pauses triumphantly, making a pleased noise in his throat, "See! That wasn't so ha—"
Till responded flawlessly, but unfortunately for his anxious heart, Ivan immediately bursts into tears without any immediately discernible context.
Till full-body jolts from distress, again trying unsuccessfully to figure out where to place his arms in the crisis, only reaching for Ivan desperately, "IVAN, I SAID YES!! YOU HEARD ME SAY YES, RIGHT?? WHY ARE YOU CRYING??"
Ivan laughs weakly through the tears, drying his eyes and cheeks with his sleeves again, "Yes, I heard you, I just… I didn't, I didn't think I'd ever hear you say yes if I asked you out, so it, it just… It feels like a dream come true, that's all. So it's, it's happy crying, Till, it's okay! I'm… I'm really happy, I'm so happy... Thank you, Till..."
Till looks like he's on the verge of spontaneously bursting into flames from how flustered he is and goes so far as to pull the neck of his shirt up enough that he can hide his entire head inside it, then also covers his head with his arms. He starts with quietly yelling a very bashful AHHH!! before continuing, "You can't just say stuff like "a dream come true" with a straight face like that!! What am I supposed to say to that, huh?? You're gonna kill me... Then who are you gonna go on a date with?! Sheesh!"
Ivan laughs brightly, taking advantage of Till being incapable of eye contact while he's turtled up inside his own shirt to hug Till tightly, "I mean it, though! It's how I really feel!!"
Till squawks is surprise when Ivan hugs him, muffled by both his shirt and Ivan wrapped around said shirt, "I KNOW YOU DO, THAT'S THE PROBLEM! Really though..." Ivan releases him, satisfied, and Till sheepishly reemerges from his shirt partially, his face still burning, but wanting Ivan to be able to hear him clearly, "You don't need to wear new or fancy clothes in order for it to be a date, I think... How we approach it emotionally is what makes the difference, right..?"
Till glances away briefly, both in shyness and in thought, with most of his face still obscured by shirt, "Y-you've always looked, g-great in, everything you own, so if you just, want to look nice, that's, that's already long accounted for... and you, feel, the way you feel, which, also, seems, already long accounted for, so, it'll be, it'll be a date..! It doesn't matter what color it is, what style it is, if its supposed to look feminine or masculine or neutral, it could be a giant hotdog costume, you just look best in, whatever you feel comfortable in..."
Till gradually finishes reemerging from his shirt, continuing with his thoughts, "You could wear the same outfit you have on again and not look any less like a boy to me, it was how forced it was… The look on your face was just awful, you looked so far away, and I don't want you to be far away, especially not when we're trying to have fun together. I can't do that unless you're actually here with me... If you want feminine clothes, we can go to the mall sometime, like on, on another date, sometime, and get you your own, i-if you want… So you won't be wearing your sister's stuff... I don't want boys or girls and, no offense, but I definitely don't want your sister of all people... She's scary…"
Ivan laughs again, "None taken— and she is pretty intimidating, huh?"
"I, I just want, you, and, when you're happy with what you're wearing, it shows, a lot... especially because you're trans... and, now that I don't have to be so afraid of, losing you, because I, get so, whatever you call this feeling, when I see you… I-I want to look at you, and I will! And, when I do turn to look at you, which I will, I only want to see an Ivan that's comfortable in whatever he's covering his flesh in today, not, whatever that uncomfortable, suffering creature was that showed up earlier tonight..."
"I… I love you, Ivan… I would never, ever, ever want you to make yourself uncomfortable for me, that's never what I even could want, so just, wear whatever you want, as long as it's yours and it's because you really want to and because you like to… You'll always be whatever gender you say you are, no matter how your clothes look, and you'll always be my best friend, even if we're more than that, too… and best of all, you'll always be Ivan, and that's what I want the most."
Ivan can't help how full his heart feels and the tears well up again— he hasn't cried this much since he was born. He halfheartedly punches Till's shoulder again before covering his burning face, "…And what am I supposed to say to THAT, you devil!!"
It's Till's turn to laugh bright like shooting stars streaming across the sky, "Hey, I gotta get even somehow, okay? You asked for it!"
"I didn't, but, that just makes it all the more precious that you gave it to me anywayyy," Ivan ruffles Till's hair aggressively and takes the opportunity while Till squawks at him and tries to smooth his hair to gently entwine their fingers together, chewing his lower lip sheepishly, "Hey, Till..? Thanks for sticking up for me when I was feeling really pressured to be something I'm not. It really means a lot to me."
Till shivers all over a second time and looks at their hands where Ivan has joined them, feeling such tender sweetness in his heart that's thudding so hard inside his chest it feels like candy might suddenly burst out of it like a piñata. He squeezes Ivan's hand tight and takes a deep breath before smiling at him wide, "'Course! What are best f..." He trails off, immediately scrunching up his whole face in displeasure and concentration for a moment before the smile returns to his face; his cheeks are burning, but he's smiling at Ivan all the same, "What are best boyfriends for?"