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Caitlyn was jolted awake by a strange noise and the sudden tightening of the sheets caging her against the mattress. She struggled against the pressure of the fabric only to realize the cause, Vi was gripping the bedding for dear life. It was a strange sight, one arm extended as far as the bed allowed, clutching the mattress, while the other bunched the sheets tightly under her arm, pulling them taut. It was clear she was having a nightmare, but this was something new; in the months they had spent sleeping together after the war, Vi had never acted quite like this.
Caitlyn watched her for a moment. This nightmare was definitely different. In the few month that has passed since the war, Vi would dream of Vander and Jinx’s fall and would wake up screaming, or she would slowly spiral into a panic within the dream until she woke up believing she was still imprisoned. But this time, she seemed intensely focused, as if letting go was an impossible option.
Caitlyn was about to stroke her cheek and the hand gripping the sheets to wake her when, suddenly, Vi let go of everything. Her expression of concentration dissolved into worry, and she whispered something that sounded like “Cait…”. Finally, she winced, doubling over as if someone had punched her in the stomach, and that motion finally woke her.
Vi opened her eyes with a start, her gaze darting around the room until she realized where she was. She turned in bed to face Caitlyn and realized the Piltovan was already awake.
"Did I wake you?" Vi asked in a worried tone.
"Yes, but you know that isn’t a problem," Caitlyn responded, leaning in to embrace her. "Was it a nightmare?"
Vi merely nodded, but instead of snuggling under Caitlyn’s chin as she usually did, she remained still, looking at her with uncertainty. Caitlyn was starting to grow concerned when her girlfriend finally spoke. "Can I hold you today instead?"
This surprised Caitlyn. Usually, Vi preferred to be the one held, to curl into Caitlyn’s chest where she could listen to her heartbeat and slowly recount the dream while Caitlyn stroked her hair. She would typically fall back asleep minutes after venting. But since she was only asking to switch positions, Caitlyn nodded and slid down in the bed so Vi could hold her.
The Zaunite wrapped her arms around her tightly, as if afraid she might escape or vanish at any moment. They stayed like that for a while, and Vi still hadn't said a word. Caitlyn might have thought she had fallen back asleep if it weren't for the fact that she heard her swallow hard every few moments, as if she were struggling to digest the dream. As the silence grew more unsettling, Caitlyn finally broke it.
"Darling, do you want to talk about it?" Vi was always open with her; she had shared all her other fears. Why keep this one hidden?
"It’s fine. It’s an old one, I haven’t had it in months. I just need to hold you-" Vi said, trying, and failing, to maintain a light tone.
Months. Then it hit Caitlyn. The way Vi had gripped the sheets; the way she flinched as if struck in the stomach; the desperate need to hold her as if she might disappear. The nightmare was about that day in the sewers, the day of their fallout. The one who had hit Vi in the stomach wasn't anyone else, it was Caitlyn herself.
She stiffened at the realization as self-loathing threatened to move her to tears. She clenched her jaw, trying to hold them back. She had no right to be the one needing comfort right now. "I’m sorry," she finally said.
Vi held her tighter and kissed the top of her head. "You haven't done anything to apologize for."
Caitlyn flinched at the certainty in Vi’s voice. "Not now, but that day."
The Zaunite stiffened beneath her, and her grip tightened even further. Then she forced herself to relax before adding "It's okay. It’s over now. We’re here; that’s what matters."
At this, Caitlyn snapped, pushing herself up to look Vi in the eyes. Perhaps if she wasn't so angry with herself, she would have seen the vulnerability in Vi's gaze, but she needed to speak. "You just had a nightmare about me hitting you. How can you say it’s over?"
Vi looked down as if she were the one who should be ashamed, which only made Caitlyn feel guiltier. She was supposed to be comforting her, not confronting her. The Zaunite kept her eyes fixed on the mattress as she spoke.
"The nightmare isn't about you hitting me. It’s about you leaving me." Now she looked up, tears brimming in her eyes. "It wasn't important that you hit me. I didn't like it, obviously, but what haunted me for months wasn't that, it was not seeing again the Cait I had fallen in love with." She blinked, and the tears rolled down her cheeks.
Caitlyn was speechless at the confession. That was why Vi wanted to be the one holding her this time. She regretted so many things about that day, all of them regarding Vi. For months, she had hated the Zaunite, because that was easier than admitting she had lost herself in her quest for vengeance.
She held Vi’s gaze, searching for the right words to express how sorry she was for everything that had happened that day. She tried to reassure Vi that she wasn't going anywhere, because that's what her girlfriend needed, while also apologizing for her actions, because she needed that too; Vi deserved it.
Finally, she reached up to brush Vi’s tears away. She kept her hands on the Zaunite's cheeks to hold her focus.
"I am not going anywhere, as long as you'll have me."
Vi gave a watery chuckle. "I already told you, Cupcake. I’m the dirt under your nails."
Caitlyn laughed softly. "That’s not what I mean. That day... I can’t justify what happened. I think I was as far from myself as I’ve ever been. I don't know how you can do it." Vi furrowed at this. "I don't know how you can forgive it and tell me you’ll stay by my side after what I did to you that day, not just leaving you, but hitting you, the things I said..." She trailed off.
Vi sighed in response, taking Caitlyn's hands from her cheeks and moving them to her own chest. "If I’m being honest, I think I forgave most of it at the moment. Seeing you lose yourself and not being able to stop it... I blamed myself. For creating Jinx, for not stopping her, for not being able to keep you."
"You weren't responsible for any of that," Caitlyn answered softly.
The Zaunite smiled sadly. "This is why I'm here," she said, nodding toward Caitlyn. "You aren't her. You aren't the one who left me in the sewers. You’re Cait. Cupcake." Vi smirked at the nickname.
"I don't plan on going down that path again."
"I don't plan on letting you."
Caitlyn sighed, defeated. "Vi... it wasn't, and isn't, your responsibility. I am responsible for my own actions."
"And how long do you plan on paying for them?" Vi asked, caressing Caitlyn’s left cheek, just beneath her sightless eye.
"For as long as these cities and you need me."
This time it was Vi who sighed, defeated. "You don't need to be a hero. I’ve loved and lost enough heroes for a lifetime."
The weight of those words hit Caitlyn hard. Of course, Vi had watched her family die fighting for her, for her future, over and over again. How could Caitlyn even fathom becoming another name on that list? She remained silent, searching once more for the right words, but the Zaunite beat her to it.
“I am not asking you to not do your best trying to help the cities. God, I love that about you," Vi said softly. "But just... don’t lose yourself to another cause again."
The response was on the tip of Caitlyn’s tongue, but saying the same things she had said in the sewers, after Vi had asked for something so similar, felt incredibly wrong. This time, she chose to skip the words entirely. She leaned in and kissed Vi softly, trying to express everything she didn’t feel worthy of saying. Then she lowered herself back down, letting the Zaunite hold her for as long as she needed