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“Have you ever even made a weed brownie?” Ivan questioned, licking the batter off the mixing spoon.
Lovro huffed and snatched the spoon back, shooting Ivan a dirty look. “How hard can it be? It’s like making a brownie with extra steps. Stop doing that; it’s gross. You said you didn’t even want to smoke anymore; it’s got the weed infused oil in it. I’m making you your own batch!”
Ivan’s tone was incredulous as he spoke, eyebrows raised. “We’ve made out on this counter, and licking a spoon is where you draw the line? Also, it’s a spoonful. Even babies have this.”
“It’s different. Shut up. Go do something somewhere else, this is my kitchen.” Lovro rolled his eyes with no real heat behind the action, setting down the spoon and choosing another to continue mixing the batter with.
Ivan grinned amusedly at the action. Lovro was so finicky — Ivan was enthralled.
He dropped a brief kiss on Lovro’s shoulder, enjoying the flush that rose on his boyfriend’s ears. “Fine. I see how it is, chef.”
“Baker.” Lovro corrected, before pausing his frustrated stirring to stare wistfully off beyond the window. “A baker that’s baking to get baked.”
He was such a loser. Ivan couldn’t help the stupid grin on his face if he tried. “What happened to ‘I’ll try and quit too’?”
Lovro shrugged, unbothered. He continued mixing. “I tried. The fact I even tried to quit for you is a milestone.”
The smell of brownie mix wafted up from the bowl, filling the room with a weed-tinged chocolate scent. Ivan’s mouth watered, looking mournfully at the other batch on the table. Regular brownies. “I know. I didn’t expect you to, but thank you. Thank you for making another batch as well.”
“It’s ok. Just means you have more to clean up.” Lovro teased, seemingly happy with the mixture in the bowl as he began to transfer it into the baking pan. He accepted the gentle peck Ivan laid on his cheek, the corner of his lips twitching upwards adorably as he pointed at his boyfriend. “Don’t try and distract me from the spoon incident.”
Ivan groaned, hands coming up by his shoulders in defeat. “It was one lick!”
“Whatever. Put these in the oven.” Lovro rolled his eyes and gestured at the pans, both evenly filled. “Yours is in the blue one, don’t forget.”
“What happened to ‘please’? You’re so mean to me.” He pouted while doing as told.
Lovro flicked flour in his direction. “You love it.”
Ivan didn’t have a retort.
He bent down, tucked the pans into the oven, and watched as Lovro fiddled with the knobs before shutting the door. The fans whirred to life, light switching on to illuminate the inside, brownies enticingly reflective under the light. Lovro hummed, checking his phone briefly as Ivan got back on his feet. “They should be done in 30 minutes.”
“30 minutes is a lot of time.” Ivan murmured, tilting his head slyly.
Lovro licked his lower lip, leaning in already with a hand wrapped around Ivan’s bicep. “Agreed,” He pulled back suddenly, grinning, “Should we study?”
Ivan pretended to weigh his options for a second, rubbing his nose in mock consideration before yanking his boyfriend closer by the waist, revelling in the surprised laughter that followed. “I have a better idea.”
The kiss should’ve been awkward with the way their teeth knocked together, shared giggles adding to the cozy ambience. Lovro’s hand tightened around his arm as the laughter faded, morphing into mutual want.
Lovro’s hands slid up to Ivan’s hair, tugging on the short strands and subsequently sending a sharp zap of pleasure down his spine. He moved further into Lovro’s space, crowding him against the counter. The flush that rose high on Lovro’s cheeks only egged him on, hoisting him up by the thighs onto the surface. Lovro yelped into the kiss; the noise quickly swallowed by Ivan’s eager mouth.
“Ivan,” He panted, tugging on his boyfriend’s hair again, “The others- stop that!”
Ivan looked up unashamedly from where he’d been leaving wet kisses on Lovro’s neck.
“Jesus. The others are coming over in 20 minutes. We can’t.” Lovro exhaled, trying to regain his composure despite the strain in his jeans.
"Would they care if we cancelled?” He joked, rubbing up and down Lovro’s thigh with his thumb.
Lovro was a sight. His parted lips, so kiss swollen and bruised. His permanent flush that was only prominent when Ivan was around, his eyes. They were so wide and blue, Ivan’s own personal odyssey whenever he stared into them. He could gaze into Lovro’s eyes as long as he would let him, could sketch the particular glint they had of adoration when they landed on Ivan by memory alone. Ivan recalled the beginning stages, when they were so often squinted; eyebrows furrowed in discomfort – in fear of what they were doing. The expression came around less and less now, replaced by small fond smiles and loud, unapologetic joy. He was beautiful.
“I love you.” Ivan interrupted Lovro’s petulant resistance, tugging on his nose affectionately.
Lovro’s eyes fluttered shut at the motion, opening slowly to give Ivan a lazy grin. “I love you.”
Ivan felt a wave of emotion wash over him, tipping forwards into his boyfriend’s open arms. He knew Lovro would catch him.
Lovro embraced him with ease. “Are you okay?”
He nodded into Lovro’s chest, listening to his heartbeat through his shirt and remembering that they were here, that they had made it despite everything. Despite his bipolarity, despite Sonja and Ema, despite Filip. Lovro had decided to stay.
They settled into a comfortable silence for what felt like hours, Lovro’s back no doubt aching at the angle, until the short ding of the timer went off. Lovro gave Ivan a gentle nudge. “Take the brownies out.”
Ivan groaned, tightening his grip around his boyfriend’s waist. “Let them burn, I’m comfortable.”
Lovro sighed, allowing him to stay where he was for a little before gently unwrapping Ivan’s arms from their hold and staring him down.
“I’m going, I’m going.” He made his way back towards the oven, the fans whirring coming to an end as he flicked the knob.
The brownies were glistening by the time they were taken out, tinged at the corners with a darker shade. Ivan removed his mittens – Ana’s, a vibrant yellow with tiny daffodil’s embroided evenly throughout – and faced Lovro. “They’re a little burnt.”
“Whose fault is that?” Lovro raised an eyebrow, leaning back on his arms where he was sat on the counter. He didn’t seem all that bothered with the state of the brownies.
“Yours. For looking like that.” Ivan teased, tucking the mittens back into their designated drawer.
Lovro tilted his head, curious. “Like what?”
“Like-”
The doorbell rang, promptly bringing an end to the moment. It was followed by multiple fists banging against the frame with fervor.
“Let us in!” Eva yelled, muffled through the door.
Lovro slid off the counter easily, giving Ivan a small grin as he made his way towards the entrance. “Later, the girls are here. I want to hear what I look like.”
Ivan followed with a nod, witnessing the floodgates opened.
“Lovro! Ivan!” Eva exclaimed, tackling them both into a drunken embrace that they reciprocated easily.
Nora made her way in next, shaking her head affectionately at the way Eva hung off Ivan’s frame. She gave Lovro a peck on the cheek apologetically. “Sorry. She had a bit too much.”
“A bit?” Vanessa chimed in, draping her coat onto the hook before giving them both a wave.
“Did you guys' pre-game watching a movie?” Ivan questioned, one hand splayed across Eva’s back to keep her in place as he stumbled back towards the couch, depositing her onto it carefully and tucking a pillow under her head.
Nora gave him a guilty look, joining Eva on the couch and interlocking their fingers. “They were meant to have a few, and then a few turned into a few too many. It was a while ago though; they should be fine.”
“Ok. Where are Nix and Tina though? Mario’s going to shit himself.” Lovro wandered back to the kitchen, quickly filling a glass with water to pass over to Ivan, who placed it into Eva’s hands firmly.
Eva took a leisurely sip. “Tina’s mad at us so she isn’t coming. Nix said that she had homework which is code for a hookup.”
“Why’s Tina mad at you guys?” Ivan prompted, spreading out on the adjacent loveseat.
Vanessa rolled her eyes, crossing her arms with an air of frustration as she tucked herself into the space between Nora and the arm of the couch. “We said she looked better brunette then she would with black hair, which translates to we want her to jump in front of a train apparently.”
“What?” Lovro took a seat next to Ivan, their thighs brushing against each other.
“Yeah, we don’t know. She does this sometimes, it’ll blow over soon.” Nora shrugged, unbothered. “It’s standard, fighting over random stuff. It means no big conflict builds up.”
Eva and Vanessa nodded affirmatively, before Vanessa chimed in again. “It’s mostly with Tina though.”
Lovro hummed, neutral as he took Ivan’s hand in his own. “I think the only time me and Jakov fought was when I was 13 and bought the same skateboard as him. Me and Mario haven’t fought over anything yet.”
"That’s because you make fun of him every minute he breathes. It’s not an equal fight!” Ivan laughed, feeling light. These moments were so common nowadays, but he never stopped appreciating them. Having his boyfriend, carefree with his affection and surrounded by people who loved them.
Lovro narrowed his eyes. “Be careful defending Mario in this house.”
“I like Mario. He’s sweet.” Eva interrupted, swirling her water around in the glass before Nora plucked it carefully out of her grasp, setting it on the table with a dull thud. She looked up, a curious glint in her eye. “What happened with Filip?”
Ivan felt more than saw Lovro stiffen, grip tightening just a smidge. Lovro let the question hang in the air for a moment, 3 pairs of eyes landing on him with questioning gazes before he sighed in defeat. “He wasn’t as chill about the whole gay thing as the rest of you, to say the least. The whole Christian thing didn’t really help.”
Realisation dawned on the girls all at the same time, Eva wincing in apology while Nora and Vanessa matched expressions of disgust.
Vanessa scoffed. “What a loser.”
“Don’t bother with him. People love to hide their hate behind religion anyways.” Nora offered, reaching out to lay a hand on Lovro’s thigh comfortingly.
Ivan knocked his shoulder playfully, determined to bring up the mood. He couldn’t stand the sad furrow in Lovro’s eyebrows. “It could still just be the Tomos, you never know.”
Lovro gave them all a dejected smile, waving it off dismissively with his spare hand. “We weren’t even that close, it’s fine.”
“No, seriously. Should we egg his house? Oh, maybe we should slash his tires.” Eva conspired, giving the girls a look.
Nora mulled it over before adding thoughtfully, “Only 3 so he can’t get an insurance payout.”
Eva looked as if she was mentally taking notes.
“I have masks we can use. Don’t ask why though.” Vanessa offered, her phone already out as she typed furiously.
Lovro leaped forward, alarmed, attempting to peek at what Vanessa was doing. She maintained her calm composure, deliberately keeping her phone out of reach without sparing Lovro a glance. “Don’t slash his tires! He’ll think it was me!”
“Don’t worry. We’ll make sure he knows. I have someone I can call.” Her typing came to a halt, and she tucked her phone back into her pocket.
Ivan shrugged in a ‘what-can-you-do’ gesture, pulling Lovro back onto the loveseat, taking the opportunity to envelop his boyfriend in his arms. Lovro settled easily, sinking into the embrace and making the girls coo. He could swear he saw the brief flash of a photo being taken as he started to run his fingers through Lovro’s buzzed scalp.
The rattle of a doorknob alerted all of them, gazes flicking to where the door opened, revealing Jakov and Mario with a considerable number of snacks between them. Jakov held the bag up with a lop-sided smirk. “For the munchies.”
Eva cheered, flying over the back of the couch to leap at Jakov – who threw his bag of goods at Mario to reciprocate her embrace with equal force, lifting her off her feet to spin her around, – and give him an exaggerated kiss on the cheek. “Jakov! The Machine!”
Lovro hid his snort behind his hand and they both tried to ignore the spark of jealousy in Nora’s squinted eyes, trading glances. Been there, done that, was probably what Lovro was thinking if Ivan had to take a guess. When Lovro had told Ivan about his previous crush on Jakov, there had been a spark of jealousy deep in his gut that he didn’t want nor need to voice. Jakov and Lovro were close from time spent together, years together spent laughing and teasing. But in the same way Jakov had Lovro in ways Ivan wouldn’t understand, he had Lovro in ways Jakov wouldn’t understand; and hopefully would never get to. He wrapped his arms a little firmer around his boyfriend.
He gave him a gentle peck on the crown of his head, watching in satisfaction as the tips of Lovro’s ears took on a red hue.
Jakov scoffed in feigned annoyance, rolling his eyes and feebly attempting to pull Eva’s iron grip on him loose. It didn’t work, and he resorted to simply wrapping an arm around her waist to keep her steady. “The Machine was years ago; we all need to let that go.”
“But it’s hilarious.” Vanessa commented, taking a slow sip from a mug that Ivan hadn’t even seen her acquire. It smelled like tea.
“Nah, respect. I wish my nickname was about how much of a beast in bed I was.” Mario commented with an air of earnestness as he gave Jakov a fist bump that the other struggled to return with his free hand.
Ivan had no clue what ‘The Machine’ meant.
Nora rose from her seat, gliding over to tug Eva – who didn’t resist at all, instead looking at Nora like she was her moon and stars combined, Ivan noticed – back into her arms, giving her a soft smile and walking her back to the couch. Lovro gave Ivan a small nudge as Eva chose to perch on Nora’s lap instead of where she sat previously, the blonde’s arms coming to circle around her waist so easily it seemed like second nature.
“How’d you even get in?” Vanessa asked, interrupting the silence.
Jakov dug into his pocket, fishing out a beaten-up set of keys with a lizard keychain attached and searching through them, holding one key up. “I had it copied so that Lovro couldn’t lie about flaking on me because he was busy.”
“What?” Lovro’s brows furrowed in confusion, attempting to get up. Ivan tightened his hold once more, forcing him back into place with a disgruntled huff. Lovro stared at him bemusedly, rolling his eyes before settling back and holding his palm out. “Give that over, what the fuck? I never said yes to that!”
“Nope. This is mine. See, you didn’t even have to get up to let us in!” Jakov retorted as he shoved the keys back into his pocket, sauntering over to deposit the snacks onto the table and then recline onto the armchair, folding his arms over his stomach. “So where are these brownies? They smell great.”
“They’re finished. If all of us are ready, I can bring them out.” Ivan suggested, still scratching at Lovro’s scalp soothingly, who shook his head in a slow protest.
“Mario can go get them. He’s still standing. They’re in the kitchen.”
“Oh, sick!” Mario disappeared to the kitchen, making the girls giggle to themselves.
“He’s like a golden retriever, maybe Tina’s taste isn’t so awful.” Vanessa snorted. Eva and Nora nodded in agreement.
Ivan watched as he returned with the brownies and a knife, setting them down on the table with a gentle thud and beginning to slice both into even portions. Mario leaned back, propping both his hands on his hips proudly. “Dig in!”
Everyone reached in for a slice, tapping their slices together in cheers.
Ivan grabbed his sober brownie woefully and joined in.
---
Lovro was so incredibly fucking high. If he thought he was ever high before, it paled in comparison to now. He could see colours; he could even taste them if he tried hard enough. Consciousness was only a suggestion, his surroundings vibrating as he tried to focus his vision onto the wall. Or was that his head?
How much time had passed? What even was time? It had been an eternity the same way it had been a second since he had felt attached to his body. He turned his head to face his palms, wiggling his fingers to feel the joints flexing, straining. He felt the ground beneath him give way as he began to experience a falling sensation that caused his stomach to churn endlessly. He wasn’t falling, he was rejoining the Earth. He was becoming one with the universe, morphing into one of the billion stars that occupied their cosmos with nowhere to go, no purpose but to exist. Maybe he had no purpose but to exist all along. His existence was meaningless, a blip in the endless lives that had started and the lives that had ended. Another statistic of the Earth’s population.
At the same time his thoughts transpired, they retreated. When had he came to be on the floor?
The porcelain tiles were freezing and unmoving, causing an invasive ache in his head that sent waves of pain through the crick in his neck from the angle it was forced into by him lying down. He could move, he could cure it, but he knew he wouldn’t. The pain was comforting, it assured him that he was alive. That his existence did have purpose, even if it was only to feel pain. He hadn’t felt it in so long that he forgot how easy it was to fall into old patterns, accepting and relishing in the discomfort.
“Lovro? Are you in there?” A voice so familiar rung out from behind the door, warm and comforting. Inviting him away from the aching of his heart, of his head. He wanted to respond, he wanted so badly it hurt. But he laid still, staring blankly at the ceiling above him as his body screamed in discomfort, longing sorrowfully to return to the voice and the sense of belonging it brought. He didn’t deserve the warmth.
“Lovro, I’m coming in.” The voice – Ivan, he realised, warned before the door opened with an unpleasant creak that sent his head into a spell of nausea. He couldn’t even muster the energy to face him, gaze never wavering from where it was locked onto the patch of ceiling above him. There was a spider’s web forming, a home in the beginnings. Did the spider know that it’s work was for nothing? That all of its determination to build a safe space, a corner in the world uninterrupted, would be destroyed; all because they couldn’t pay compassion to a being that was smaller. That couldn’t fight back.
Lovro’s lip wobbled, feeling his eyes glisten and spill over with fresh tears of salt. Who were they to determine who lived and who died?
Ivan’s face hovered over him, concern lining his features as he blocked the ceiling from Lovro’s line of sight. His boyfriend bent down, a tender hand coming to wipe at his cheeks, removing any evidence that Lovro had been distraught at all. “Lovro, are you OK? Should I get someone?”
Lovro shook his head, or at least tried to. He couldn’t remember how his body worked; he didn’t know how to return to it. He felt lonely, stuck in an infinite abyss of his own misery.
“Maybe that’s enough weed for you. Come on, I’ll carry you back down.” Ivan murmured, ducking further down to hoist Lovro up without so much as a grunt. Lovro followed easily, body limp as he fell against Ivan’s chest. He felt safe here, surrounded by Ivan and his scent, hearing his heart beating steadily against his ear. Ivan held him there for a moment, pecking his forehead fondly and giving him a long embrace before adjusting his grip so that one of his arms landed under his knees, the other spanning across his back securely. He stood, and Lovro fought the urge to throw up with the way his head pounded at the motion. “Let’s go get you some water.”
---
It had been a couple hours, and Lovro had calmed down significantly. So much so that he had returned to his regular banter with Mario – Ivan sighed in relief the first time he called Mario a pussy. It had been terrifying to see Lovro look so small, so sad. He had laid on that floor unmoving for who knew how long, staring up at the ceiling blankly until Ivan had force-fed him some of the snacks Jakov had brought and shoved a glass of water in his hand. Ivan never wanted to see his boyfriend in that state again if he could help it. He would deliver by hand the moon and stars on a silver platter if it meant he never had to see Lovro look so defeated, so numb.
Lovro was still in-between his legs now, leaning against Ivan’s chest with a blanket draped across their legs. Ivan hadn’t wanted to let him go after what had happened, protesting if Lovro even made to get up.
Eva had asked if Lovro was okay the second she’d seen Ivan carrying him over to the couch, a worried crease between her brows as he laid Lovro back down. The rest echoed her question, and Ivan didn’t know how to answer. He had never even seen his boyfriend in such a state, and by the looks of things the others hadn’t either. When Lovro came back to himself, he waved their concerns off with a dismissive wave and insisted they think of something to do. Ivan made a mental note to talk about this further, at some point.
“Should we play a boardgame?” Nora suggested, eyes glazed over as she fiddled with Eva’s sweatshirt.
“I don’t think Mario knows how those work.” Lovro replied lazily, eyes fluttering shut at Ivan’s gentle shoulder massage.
Mario perked up at the mention of his name, swiftly deflating when he heard the comment. “Whatever, bro. The rules make no sense half the time, and everyone has different versions.”
Jakov nodded in agreement, slouched across his armchair.
“Oh! We should watch a horror movie!” Eva perked up, clutching at Vanessa’s shoulder who gave a simple thumbs up. “I could go for a Conjuring rewatch.”
Nora rolled her eyes fondly. “Sure.”
Jakov was already reaching for the remote, despite Lovro’s loud groan. “Fine, whatever. Let’s watch a stupid horror movie.”
Ivan shrugged when all eyes landed on him, not really caring. Horror movies weren’t his favorite genre, but they didn’t intimidate him. He was too aware of all the special VFX and CGI to fully submerse himself into the universes they created, but he enjoyed the storylines. He’d already watched The Conjuring, but he didn’t mind rewatching. The dog was cute, at least – until it died, but that was irrelevant. Ivan knew Lovro would hate every second of this despite his nonchalant act.
“Does nobody care what I think?” Mario voiced, causing everyone to turn and stare at him.
“Would you like to watch a horror movie, Mario?” Nora asked, tilting her head.
“Sure. Was just nice to be asked, you know.”
Jakov tapped a couple buttons until the movie started up, everyone reclining into their seats and munching away at the snacks scattered across the table. Ivan could feel Lovro tense up as the haunting music began, and the room was submerged into darkness.
--
No, Lovro did not like horror movies. He wasn’t ashamed to admit it. Who would willingly watch media that caused them psychological distress? Apparently, his friends. They were all psychopaths, especially Nora. He had pegged Nora as the only other one who would potentially startle with him, but she had gone through the movie so far with an unamused expression on her face, unreactive to any of the horror elements. What the fuck?
Every jumpscare had him the sole person in their group to nearly fall out of his seat, Vanessa laughing at him every time it happened. Mario claimed it was karma for Lovro’s abuse, and Eva shot him a sly wink – he hated her. One scare where the basement door slammed shut had him watching the rest of the movie from behind his fingers, Ivan peering down at him amusedly. Ivan had gathered the blanket, wrapping it around Lovro so that he was in a protective cocoon and whispered that he’d protect him from the demons in a tone so teasing it turned Lovro’s cheeks a violent red. He was going to kill everyone in this house, possessed or not.
“How did you get beat up by drug dealers, but this is what scares you?” Jakov questioned, genuinely confused as he threw a piece of popcorn into his mouth.
“You were what?” Ivan shook Lovro by where his arms were wrapped around his midsection, alarmed.
Lovro huffed, enjoying the distraction from Lorraine eating shit on the TV. “It was ages ago, don’t worry. And that’s different!”
Jakov laughed as Eva shook her head disappointedly. “He was doing molly, Ivan. Disappointing.”
“It was once!” Lovro groaned, retreating further into his cocoon.
“We’re talking about this later. Focus.” Ivan stated calmly, kissing where Lovro knew his moles were. “It better have been once.”
“It was, promise. Don’t make me focus on this, it’s almost over!” Lovro jerked in fear as a chair slammed into the ceiling, Ivan chuckling behind him.
Lovro supposed it wasn’t as bad when he was being cuddled, but he still hated them.
He vowed to never willingly do this again.