Chapter Text
It's two in the morning and Eddie is lying wide awake on the couch. He should be asleep right now but he knows for a fact that that’d be impossible. His best friend just got kidnapped and tortured and almost killed.
Yeah, he knows damn well he’s not going to be able to sleep for a while.
The ten hour drive back from that hellhole of a place was mostly quiet except for the music playing at a low volume from Eddie’s phone. Eddie kept flicking his gaze to the side where Buck was slumped over, his head resting on the window. Buck’s never been that quiet. Eddie had asked, even though he obviously wasn’t, “You okay, Buck?”
Buck hadn’t answered and when Eddie asked again fifteen minutes later Buck had said harshly, “Leave it, Eddie. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
So Eddie left it. Buck would talk to him when they got back.
When they arrived at Buck’s, everyone was there waiting for them. Which he guesses he should have expected. Both him and Buck were passed around for hugs and it took hours before anyone started to leave.
Not that he didn't appreciate them showing their love, he just wanted, no, needed to talk to Buck and make sure he was okay. Or at least ask if there was anything he could do to help and he can’t do that with them around.
Maddie is, unsurprisingly, the last person to leave. She was worried sick about Buck.
Eddie says goodnight to Chris while she says goodbye to Buck. When he comes back to the living room Maddie’s just pulling back from hugging Buck for the last time tonight as she tells him, “Call me if you need anything, okay? Anything at all, okay?”
“Okay, Mads. I will,” Buck replies softly, smiling down at his sister fretting over him.
“Okay, good. You better,” Maddie responds, adjusting the purse on her shoulder which she first put on when she’d started leaving, like, twenty minutes ago. Eddie can understand why she’s been reluctant to. “Good night, Buck. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Night Mads, love you,” Buck says, waving at her as she leaves. “Thanks for coming over.”
Buck keeps waving goodbye until she’s in the car, where Chimney’s been waiting. Once the car starts to pull out, Buck finally shuts the door. It’s just the two of them now.
Eddie is just opening his mouth to speak when Buck turns to him and says, “I don’t know about you, man, but I’m tired as hell.” He yawns loudly. “I’m going to b–” he stops mid sentence and then continues, “I’m going to sleep. Night.”
So, Eddie just says, “Goodnight Buck,” and doesn’t say anything else because he doesn’t want to push and Buck needs the rest.
But then Buck starts setting up the couch.
“What are you doing, Buck?” Eddie asks.
“Going to sleep?” Buck replies, confusion twisting his face.
“Not there, you’re not. You’re taking the bed,” Eddie says. Buck looks like he’s about to protest so he crosses his arms and gives him the ‘dad stare’ that Buck himself tokened. “I mean it. You’re more injured than me, you’re taking the bed. I won’t hear anything else.”
Buck sighs, and says, almost as dramatically as Chris does, “Fineee. I’ll take the bed.”
Which has all led to now, where Eddie’s laying on the couch, close to the most tired he’s ever been in his life and unable to sleep. His hearing is hypersensitive in the dark, picking up on every minuscule sound, every creak of the house. Every noise seems amplified. Everything seems like a potential threat.
He hears a small whimper.
It sounds like– Buck?
He hears Buck cry out louder and immediately throws off his blanket and rushes down the hall to Buck’s bedroom. He knocks on the door, and asks, “Buck, are you okay?”
His fist is trembling with adrenaline as he knocks again frantically.
He can’t see Buck. Can’t feel his pulse.
Is he alive? Is he hurt?
Is he dead?
“Buck! Answer me! Are you okay?!”
Eddie can’t wait anymore. He quickly opens the door and enters the room. He shuts the door behind him.
Buck is curled into a ball on the top of his sheets, his arms wrapped tight around his knees, sobbing repeatedly, “M’ Derek. I-I’m Derek. I’m Derek. Please, m’ Derek.”
Eddie’s heart falls out of his chest and shatters on the floor. Buck, in all of his massive stature, looks so small, curled up like that. Like a scared little kid.
Buck’s been suffering like this and hasn’t said anything? Why didn’t he talk to Eddie? Eddie’d do anything he could to help, so Buck wouldn’t have to suffer alone.
Anything.
He makes his way over to Buck. Eddie reaches out and places a gentle hand on Buck’s shoulder that’s trembling harshly with the force of his cries. He doesn’t want to scare him but maybe the touch will help him wake up.
“Buck. Buck, listen to me,” Eddie says, heart hurting as he tries to speak over Buck’s sobs. “You’re not Derek. Your name’s Buck. Evan Buckley, actually, but no one calls you that.”
Buck keeps sobbing and repeating those horrible, heartbreaking words but it’s quieter now, “M' Derek. Please, ’m Derek,” So, maybe it’s working?
Eddie continues, “You’re name’s Buck. You’re a firefighter in LA. You’re my– my best friend.”
Tears are blurring his vision. He needs Buck to be okay. He needs to feel for himself that he’s going to be okay. He desperately wants to find Buck’s pulse with his fingers and keep them there.
“Wake up Buck,” Eddie says, “Please, I need you to wake up.”
Buck doesn’t wake up with a start. Instead his sobs just slow to whimpers and his shakes turn into trembles and then he slowly opens his eyes. He stares at the wall despondently and seemingly hasn’t even noticed that Eddie is here.
“Buck,” Eddie says softly.
Buck grunts in response and continues to stare at the wall.
“Buck,” Eddie says again. “Your name’s Buck and I’m right here, okay? I’m– your friend, Eddie, is right here.”
He starts slowly rubbing his thumb back and forth on Buck’s shoulder, trying to bring Buck back to him. Hopefully the repetitive movement will help ground Buck. It’s something that Frank taught him.
It takes maybe five minutes but feels like hours before some life seems to seep back into Buck’s eyes. He croaks softly, “Eddie?”
Eddie keeps rubbing Buck’s shoulder with his left hand and with his right palm he wipes the tears of relief from his face. “Yeah, Buck. I’m right here. I’m right here and you are too.”
Buck slowly unfurls from the tight ball he was curled into and lays back on the bed and looks up at Eddie. Buck looks awful. Not only because of the numerous bruises and cuts that are all over his face but from how horrible it looks like he’s feeling. His eyes don’t shine brightly like they usually do. Instead, the eyes he loves to stare at so much, the eyes he has had the exact shade of blue memorized for years are dull and sad.
“Eddie,” Buck says, dreamily, like he’s still not fully awake. “You’re really here.”
Buck suddenly starts looking like he’s getting upset again. “But why‘re you here?” Tears drip down the side of his face. His voice breaks, “I told– I told her to tell you to go away. You ca- can’t be here.”
“What do you mean, Buck? I’m right here. I’ll always be here.”
“No,” Buck cries out, hands flying up to grip tight onto Eddie’s shoulders, digging into his shirt. “No, Eddie! I can’t lose you too. I can’t- I wouldn’t make it if I lost you too. You have to go. Go!”
Buck seems to realize that Eddie can’t ‘go’ with him holding on so tight, so he lets go of Eddie’s shirt and starts shakily pawing at Eddie’s chest, trying to push him away. Buck’s arms are weak right now, so it doesn’t do much of anything.
Eddie doesn’t care about what Buck is saying. He doesn’t care if Buck wants him to leave, he never is again. And Buck needs to know that.
“Listen to me Buck,” Eddie says seriously. He grabs both of Buck’s arms that are still on his chest and gently sets them down on the bed. He moves his head around until Buck meets his eyes. “I am never leaving you again. Ever.”
And if he can manage it, he’s never letting Buck get hurt, or kidnapped, or electrocuted, ever again too.
“You aren’t there anymore, you're with me. You’re with me and you’re at home,” Eddie says, desperate for Buck to believe him. He moves both of his hands onto Buck’s large shoulders. “Repeat after me, okay? I’m Buck, and I’m safe at home.”
Buck just stares at him.
“Come on, Buck. Please. Please just repeat after me?” Eddie asks, his eyes tearing up. “I’m Buck, and I’m safe at home.”
Maybe the tears make Buck take pity on him because Buck starts to slowly repeat after him.
“I’m- I’m Buck. And I’m sa- I’m safe… at home.” Buck says, his voice teary. “I’m Buck. And I’m safe at home?”
The last question is said with a quiet hopefulness, like Buck can’t quite believe it’s true, and Eddie’s heart just can’t take it. He rushes forward and pulls Buck up into a hug and buries his face in Buck’s neck. “Yes, Buck. You’re safe at home with me. And I'm not going anywhere.”
Buck sobs into his neck and squeezes his arms tight around Eddie, his fingers death gripping his shirt. Eddie’s doing the same back and presses his face hard enough into Buck’s neck that he can feel his pulse. His torso hurts from the force of their hug but he doesn't care. He needs this.
He thought Buck was dead.
He thought he might never see Buck again.
This hug is as much for him as it is for Buck.
And, shit, he just realized that he should’ve probably asked Buck before he hugged him. Buck was just traumatized and tortured, this could be triggering him. Not to mention the fact that he’s injured. He should pull away.
He starts breaking away from the hug, saying, “I’m sorry, Buck. I should have asked you before I just hugged you like that.”
Buck holds him even tighter so Eddie can’t leave. “No, don’t,” Buck cries. “Don’t leave, Eddie. Please.”
Eddie runs a hand soothingly through Buck’s curls and starts to slowly rock them back and forth. “Okay, Buck. Okay. I won’t leave. I’ll stay right here.”
They stay there for a long time with Eddie rocking them back and forth hugging each other way too tightly for two people with abdominal injuries. Eventually though, they need to get some rest so Eddie starts slowly loosening his grip.
“Buck,” Eddie says quietly, “We need to get some sleep.”
Buck grumbles in displeasure before mumbling sleepily, “No, Eds. Don’ wanna le’ go.”
Eddie laughs softly. He’s so cute.
“We don’t have to let go, Buck. But let’s at least get under the covers, okay?”
Buck grumbles again but lets Eddie move them under the covers. Buck rests half on top of him, his head resting on Eddie’s upper chest. Eddie combs his hand through Buck’s hair and feels like he can finally breathe again with Buck pressed against him, his massive chest expanding and contracting with each breath. A constant proof of life.
They both quickly fall asleep.
When Eddie wakes up early the next morning, the birds are just starting to sing to each other, and they’re still on top of each other. Their legs are tangled together and there’s a pool of drool underneath Buck’s chin where it’s resting on Eddie’s shoulder. He’s snoring.
Eddie’s heart speeds up for a different reason than it did last night.
He doesn’t want to wake Buck up and it would be impossible not to if he moves, so he stays still and just watches Buck sleep.
Buck looks like an angel when he’s sleeping. His face fully relaxed, his long lashes resting on his cheekbones. His curly hair, soft and frizzy from sleep, looks like a halo, shining in the light. Sometimes, Eddie doesn’t know how he manages not to confess his love to him every time he sees him.
Buck shifts in his sleep and slings his right arm across Eddie’s hip.
Eddie lets out a controlled breath. He looks down at Buck’s arm and can’t resist bringing his own hand down to it and wrapping it around Buck’s wrist. He can feel his pulse, thumping rhythmically.
Thump, thump, thump.
Eddie doesn’t think any sound exists that’s more reassuring.
He drifts back to sleep.
—
When Eddie wakes up again, it's to Buck whimpering in his ear. He’s gripping Eddie tight in his sleep and has his eyes squeezed shut, letting out sounds like a kicked animal.
Buck whines, “M’ sorry. I’m Derek. M’ Derek, please don’ hurt me. I’m Derek.”
It makes Eddie’s heart hurt in his chest.
Eddie starts combing through Buck’s hair again and strokes his thumb lightly back and forth on Buck’s wrist that’s somehow still in his right hand.
“Buck, wake up,” Eddie says at a normal volume. Not too loud but not too quiet either. “You’re safe at home. No one is going to hurt you.”
Buck’s eyelashes flutter as he starts to rouse from his nightmare. He blinks his eyes open at Eddie, their faces an inch apart.
Eddie smiles, happy to see him awake, “Good morning Buck.”
Buck just blinks at him again. He says, voice raspy from sleep, “Mornin’ Eds.”
He tries not to focus on how the sound of Buck’s rough voice saying his name makes him feel.
Buck looks down and seems to realize what position they’re in and blushes. “Sorry,” Buck says, obviously embarrassed. He starts retreating away from Eddie. “I drooled all over you.”
“It’s okay, Buck. I don’t mind,” Eddie says, missing Buck’s body against him already.
Now that Buck’s awake, it’s about time Eddie got out of bed himself. It’s almost time to wake Chris up for breakfast and get him to school.
Eddie gets out of bed and stretches. He yawns loudly, scratching his stomach and goes over to his dresser, grabbing some clothes for him and Buck. He turns around and finds Buck staring at him. He smiles at him and sets down Buck’s pile of clothes on the bed.
“These are for you to change into, feel free to take a shower if you want,” Eddie says, taking off his sleep shirt and putting on a t-shirt, much slower than usual since he’s still stiff and injured. Eddie pulls his shorts up over his boxers, buttoning them shut. “Join us for breakfast whenever you’re ready.”
Buck sits there frozen for a bit before he nods jerkily.
Eddie laughs to himself. Buck must still be half-awake.
“All right, see you soon,” Eddie says, leaving and shutting the door behind him. He makes his way down the hallway and stops by Chris’s door on his way.
He raps on the wood and says, “Chris, it’s time to get up.”
“Okaayy,” Chris’s drowsy voice responds, muffled through the door.
Now that that's taken care of he continues down the hall and into the kitchen. Eddie opens the fridge and takes out some eggs and bacon, setting it on the counter. He starts cooking everything up and setting the table. Once everything’s almost done he calls out, “Chris, Buck, breakfast’s ready!”
Chris arrives first. He gives Eddie a half-hug and then sits down. “Thanks dad.”
“You’re welcome, buddy,” Eddie says, warm from Chris’s hug. He must’ve been worried.
“Ooh, that smells good,” Buck says, entering the kitchen. He goes over to Chris's chair and gives him a one-armed hug and leaves a kiss on the top of his head, “Morning Chris.”
Chris smiles up at Buck and says, “Morning Buck.”
Eddie is not thinking that he wants a morning kiss from Buck too.
Buck sits down and turns to him, “Thanks for breakfast, Eds. It looks amazing.”
“You’re welcome, Buck.”
They all dig in.
Once everyone’s finished, Eddie starts bringing their dishes to the sink and tells Chris, “Go get ready for school, bud.”
“Okay,” Chris responds and heads to his room to get ready.
Eddie starts washing the dishes but then Buck comes up behind him and nudges him away saying, “Hey, let me do that. You made breakfast.”
Eddie concedes and moves out of the way and leans back on the counter while Buck washes them. He watches Buck and can just tell by looking at him that he’s going to want to bolt after they drop Chris off.
“Buck,” Eddie says. Buck hums to show he’s listening. “You know we’re going to have to talk, right? After we drop Chris off?”
Buck places the pan in the drying rack and sighs loudly. He says, unenthusiastically, “Yeah, I know.”
Eddie pats Buck on the back and slides his hand across his shoulders as he moves past him to the drying rack. He picks up the pan and a towel and starts drying.
Soon, everything is washed and dried and Chris is ready to go.
They drive over to his school and drop him off.
They don’t talk on the way back; the silence is unusual for them.
Soon, the front door shuts and it’s just them in the house, for the first time since they got back and it’s time to talk.