Chapter Text
Jannik Sinner has a bad reputation.
It was something known. Small chats in the locker rooms that featured the Italian as the main protagonist.
Carlos had always tried to ignore it, walking away at the slightest mention of the man. But something inside of him always wondered what it really was.
Was it the way he dresed? Maybe it was the way he talks, the way he moves.
Maybe it's the way he gasps Carlos's name, something that made the Spaniard jealous of the other players lying about knowing Jannik in ways Carlos only dared to dream of.
They've growned acostumed to it, Carlos sneaking into Jannik's various hotel rooms during the tour.
First, it was in the Toronto Atp Masters 1000, where Carlos accepted his insomnia, a problem he had been dealing with since the beginning of the '25 tour.
He didn't talk to his team, too scared they would add another kind of therapy to his already full schedule, didn't talk to his parents, anyone.
He was sure the problem would slip away by itself.
But it didn't. Nights grew longer, practice sessions got him more tired, and over the-counter prescription pills and teas weren't working anymore.
And it was in Canada, when in one of those endless nights, he saw him.
The two-button shirt unbuttoned, lips too red and unmade curls, Jannik Sinner
got into the hotel rooftop. Lucky him.
He didn't see Carlos right away, who was just admiring Paris's night views.
They used to get along pretty well. Known eachother since they were teen, playing their first important matches. Carlos thought of Jannik as someone reserved, sometimes too quiet, who moved in very small circles of people, always keeping himself apart from the rest of the players.
But lately, he had heard about Jannik's reputation, known by the rest of the players but still a mistery for the press or public in general.
People talked, rumors spreaded easily among guys sharing locker rooms.
"I saw him, yesterday. I think the guy was an actor:"
Carlos had one time heard Holger Rune said to them " I mean, I don't give a shit about who Sinner wants to shag, I just say... he doesn't hide it very well"
Was Jannik even trying to hide himself from them? Was it the reason he avoided player's parties?
"The thing is" Taylor had replied "I don't think it's good for tennis"
That had got Carlos's attention.
"I mean, and don't get me wrong, I aint homophobic or wherever, but I don't thing it's cool having the number one doin'... you know"
It was supposed to be an easy chat between collages, Carlos though, not being a fan of talking behind anyoneˋs back.
Specially Jennik's.
"Didn't something similar happened during Miami last month?" Frances seemed to be very keen on these rumors "Ben had texted me, after second round, he saw Jannik leaving with a guy" And Frances got sure he got everyone's eyes on him before adding "He aparently didn't know he was staying in Ben's hotel
too. He texted me saying he saw him with two other guys. You know, like... getting into his room ... if you know what I mean" Tiafoe was blasting, everything seeming as a joke.
"See!" Exclaimed Taylor "That's what I'm talking about. One day, someone other than us will see and things will get troubled for him" He stated.
The rest of the guys nodded as in agreeing with him.
But Carlos stood there, still siting in his bank, letting his own mind trying to picture the things his friends said.
He knew Jannik was gay, not that It was something he had explicitly said, but most players knew.
He had a hard time trying to imagine the things he just heard. He just couldn't see Jannik like that; as something more than a shy guy.
Carlos couldn't, or perhaps, he didn't want to.
But now they were both in a Toronto hotel rooftop, and Carlos knew the rumors hadn't stoped, instead, they just increased, all of them involving the same things.
"Nice night" Carlos didn't mean to scared Jannik, who just rapidly turned around to the sound of his voice, surprised.
"Hi. Didn't know someone was here "Jannik got closer to his side, getting close to the edge.
And Carlos looked at him, really, looked at him. Pale skin illuminated by the city night's lights, side profile looking majestic.
"Hard time sleeping?" Jannik asked, and Carlos wondered if the dark circles under his eyes gave him away.
"Am I that obvious?"
"You might look like resting would be good to you" Jannik was now staring at him, his eyes scanning his entire face. Inside the courts; he always knew how to read Carlos. Maybe outside too.
And Carlos had to resist the urge to ask him where he had been, ask him if he really knew what time it was, how late it was.
Ask him, if he had been the one to un-botten his shirt or if it had been someone else.
Ask him, If he was aware of the effect his clearly swollen lips were having on Carlos.
"I might been having some problems with my sleep, you know?" Why was he telling Jannik this?
The other man got closer, now both of them facing the lights of the Parisian night.
They remained silent, the atmosphere becoming a little awkward.
"I don't wanna sound weird or something, but ..." Jannik broke the silence " I have this thing... it's like something you inhale, and it helps you relax" Jannik had noticed the alarmed look in Carlos's face when he hastened to say "it's nothing
chemical, I swear. It's like this linden scent that calmes you. Good for nerves" then he added "You can borrow some".
Was actually carlos looking too nervous? Was he making a clown of himself just because Jannik happened to be too close? He had to say something.
"Sure, thanks" He tried to sound cool, as if he knew what the Italian was actually talking about.
"Great. Come with me, it's in my room".
Hell no. He started to feel cold.
Jannik steped aside, walking to the door, but then he realised Carlos wasn't following.
"Everything okay?" Jannik almost sounded confused.
Carlos felt terrible with himself, but he had to admit his doubts about Jannik.
But what if someone saw them? What if a player or somebody from the staff of the hotel saw them and then ... God Carlos didn't want to think about what the other guys would say.
What if Samu saw him? In the middle of the night, just days before starting one of the last masters? What if someone took a picture of them? What if...
Jannik looked at him with his whole body facing him, waiting for him with what Carlos though was the gentlest smile a man had ever given him.
How Could say no to that?
The elevator ride wasn't long, technically, but to Carlos it seemed eternal with both of them not knowing what to say or where to look at.
When they finally reached Jannik's floor, Carlos got out of the elevator slowly, checking that there was no one on the hallway.
"It's okay, no one will see" Did Jannik actually sounded ofended? Was he also checking, having a little too much experience on sneaking men into his room? Well, Carlos didn't want to think about that.
Suite Real. It was bigger than Carlos's room at that same hotel. Dim lights, big tv and picture windows showing great views of Toronto. It looked like Carlos would picture Jannik's rooms; clean, not a hair out of place, perfectly organized luggage. Carlos thanked they weren't at his, the mess would end up embarrassing him even more.
"Take a sit, I'll bring it here" He said as he left, leaving Carlos alone, still observing Jannik things over the Suite.
And suddenly, Jannik was returning, from what Carlos assumed was his bedroom, with a little bottle.
"You put it over your top lip, like this" He touched his thin top lip with his finger "and just breath in. I swear, it won't alarm or jump on anything" Jannik said, worried, the last things referring to doping tests.
"Well, I would never think of you giving me... you know... something not allowed" Carlos meant to say, but he realised, after what happended with the Italian at the begining of that year, well, he might have become a little more carefull.
They were sitting side by side, on Jannik's couch.
Jannik didn't take his eyes off him at any moment, and Carlos assumed, he was waiting for him to try it, in front of him, right there.
He opended the little bottle, pouring some of the liquid onto his index finger and then touching his top lip, right under his nose. It did, actually, smell good, soft lavender.
"So, I just leave it?"
"It's supposed to calm you. I would add some more when you get in bed, If I were you" Jannik's voice sounded calming, his sleepy eyes giving him a soft look.
"Where did you get it?" He was in part courius about that, but he also didn't wanna leave yet, knowing that it would probably don't work and he would stay up all night.
Again.
This time, he would probably stay awake most of the time thinking that he had entered Jannik's suite and how distracting the Italian looked.
"I been using it a lot. My mum made it for me when I was seventeen or something" Jannik said, struggling to remember his age at that moment.
Did Jannik Sinner actually give him a home-made scent to help him with his sleepy? Did Carlos actually feel tendered touched by that?
Carlos looked at the little bottle on his hand "Didnˋt know your mum made these" He was trying not to look too much at the man in front of him, scared he would not want to leave the room.
Cause talking with Jannik was much better than spending sleepless dark nights.
Just because of that.
"She saw how nervous I was before matches, and getting into flights alone ... you know" Of course Carlos understood, he had also been a top junior "So, she probably asked a friend... I don't know" He finished with a little smile.
He looked tendered at Carlos, as if understanding what the Spaniard was going through "She just gave it to me and things got better"
Carlos didn't know when his back had completly layed on the sofa, or when his legs had spread, comfortably. He just wanted Jannik to keep talking to him.
But then he saw Jannik yawn and just because he couldn't sleep, didn't mean Jannik shouldn't.
They said goodbye. Carlos got out of the suite rapidly, traumatised about the idea of one of his friends -or anyone- seeing him getting out Jannik Sinner's room in the middle of the night.
But Carlos he knew how unfair that was. Jannik was helping him; his own rival, Carlos was being helped by the one person that would be netised the most from his lack of sleep, but instead, Carlos was getting into his own room, carring Jannik's mum little home-made remedy.
He got into his bed, feeling his head calmed.
He poured a little more of the scent, as Jannik had said he should, and stayed in bed, pijamas on and his mind remembering everything that had happend that night.
He recall Jannik entering the rooftop, looking disarmed, his hair a little mess, his lips red from probably - and Carlos did not want to think about that option- kissing someone. The buttons of his shirt undone, showing that even his chest had freckles.
Did the rest of his body have them? Would they be as toned as the ones in his nose?
Carlos didn't dismiss the idea of falling asleep with the image of Jannik Sinner, sitting in his couch, talking about how nervous he used to get as a child, playing his first competitive matches or the first few times flying alone.
Had there been something else that made him so nervous?
Could Carlos ask him to tell him more about his childhood the next time they saw each other?
Right before sleep could reach him, a notification poped up on his phone. He had read, online, that using your phone at night could reduse your chances of falling asleep, but curiosity won and he reached his nightstand and got his phone.
He saw Jannik's name followed by a 'Hope it works'
Carlos kept looking at the message, as it were an afirmation of what had happend tonight was, in fact, real.
'Think it is' and then 'Thanks btw. Shouldn't have kept you awaken'
He sent them, thinking it would be everything for the night.
'No need to thank me'
'You can come to my suit whenever you want'
Carlos opended his eyes and skiped a breath when he read that.
'Tournaments nights are hard, most of the time'
Carlos just wanted to keep talking.
'I liked talking to you tonight' He replied 'I think it also helped me' He sent it, hoping that Jannik wouldn't leave him on read.
'I liked talking to you too'
It was a simple text, but Carlos felt more excited than he probably should have.
He didn't wanna stop, his mind working on how he could reply to Jannik 'We could meet tomorrow' He wrote, realizing how desperate he sounded.
'only if you want, of course' He had to sound nonchalant.
Wich he wasn't.
It worked for Carlos, they met again, almost every nigh of that week.
It was strange, at first. The first times, Carlos puted a little too much efort on deciding what shirt he should wear, in deciding which videogames he should take with him, hoping Jannik wouldn't find them boring. He even exaggerated some of his anecdotes, striving only to get a laugh out of Jannik.
He would leave dinners earlier, trying to convince his team that he was tired and pretending to spend the whole night in his room.
He puted too much efort on making sure he could have just a few more minutes with Jannik.
The remedy seemed to work, because Carlos's nights finally seemed to have a begining and an end.
They began with Jannik, deciding wich movie they should watch, and ended with him, falling asleep on the couch, near Carlos.
It didn't mattered the city, the tournament nor the round they were playing; If it was the same city, they were probably - not by a coincidence, thanks to Carlos- staying at the same hotel, some floors apart, but never to far to find each other at midnights.
Carlos had learnt Jannik was more chatty than most people though, actually, they were probably the opposite of what people normally though of them.
Jannik talked, Carlos listened and gave his opinion, If he had to.
"You see, Australia has this thing, everyone seems to be happy just to be there" Jannik said while pouring water into their glasses "Paris and London, people just go there for the pictures" He looked at Carlos as if trying to convince him "they probably don't even like tennis" Carlos had already figured out, wich one was
Jannik's favorite slam.
It was January, they were in Australia, both already staying at a five-star hotel, talking about the Adelaide Open, they saw the highlights of Tomáš Macháč's final.
They had rules, or at least what was left of them.
At first, they could only meet on nights when neither of them had a game the following day. But that wasn't enough for Carlos, so he gave up on that rule and told Jannik he would sleep in, staying up only a few hours before his games.
It wasn't too much time untill Jannik stood up with something similar.
And during the day, while they both trained, they pretended not to be checking their cell phones, waiting for each other's messages on how that night should go.
"Oh no, Wimbledon it's not like that, London literally screams tennis wherever you go!"
They were having dinner, as they lied to both of their teams about not being hungry, just to sneak food in Jannik's hotel room.
Jannik smiled to Carlos, as if giving up about their talk. They stood there, laying on Jannik's sofa, eating sushi, watching but not really watching Australian Open's opening evening highlights, when suddenly, Jannik's phone turned up, again, for the sixth time Carlos though.
The Italian showed no interest, leaving the unreads notifications staying there.
"Oh, my mum gave me more of the scent. I'll bring yours"
It wasn't a long time ago that Jannik started asking for more of the remedy, just for Carlos, as he had stoped using it.
Did Jannik tell his mum that? Did he tell her, they weren't for himself anymore, that they were for Carlos?
Had he ever named Carlos to any member of his family, out off tennis? If he did not, had he though about doing so? As Carlos've done?
Jannik left, leaving his phone on the table, close to Carlos, who saw that another notification came, starting to feel anxious.
Because truth is, the rumors hadn't stoped.
Not mattered how much Carlos tried to avoid them, they were all about Jannik, but seemed to follow Carlos everywhere.
They kept leveling up. His friends talking about private parties in Monaco including Jannik and well known athletes, actors, or simply millionaires that were probably Jannik's neighbours.
Carlos gasped when another notification came up, counting ten tonight. 'Cause who recieves so much massages, in the middle of the night?
Who was looking for Jannik's attention so much? Who wanted to take it away from Carlos?
He didn't believe his friends when they talked about Jannik, tried not to.
But he kept trying not to be seen next to him so much. Not even on shared practices.
He didn't believe in rumors, actually, as someone in the public eye, he hated them, wherever they said. Hated them even more when they were about Jannik.
But he never defended him in the lockers room.
He didn't even know if Jannik was aware of what other players were sayin, about his ... reputation.
He never stoped to think for a moment why it mattered so much to him.
Why even if his sleep had improved, he was tired of getting in bed with his mind picturing everything he would have heard that day.
Jannik dancing, drinking, two top butoms unbottoned, hopefully by himself and not by some random man, Carlos feared.
He could picture it all, un-made red curls, sweat and drunk words coming out from Jannik's lips.
And Carlos just happended to be far away, not close to Jannik in the way he would like to be.
He would be kilometers away missing their nigths in hotel rooms, but also wondering how it would feel to be at a party with Jannik. Would they share drinks?
Dance together?
Would Jannik look at him the same way Carlos would look at him? Begging him to stay close, to not look at any other man, just Carlos.
"Here it is" Thick Italian accent got him out of his zone.
"Thanks" Carlos said as he took it and puted it in his pocket.
Jannik smiled at him and sited next to him, his bodies almost touching, and Carlos could feel temperature rises up.
They kept watching tv, not really paying attetion to it, Sushi not finished,
Carlos was still lost in his thoughts, feeling Jannik's knee touching his, bodies too close.
" You know, I was thinking "Jannik turned around and faced him "and by this I don't wanna sound weird or anything" He sounded more shy than usual "you could, only if you want, of course" stoped a few seconds, thinking how to put it into words "You could stay, for the night"
Carlos froze, shocked by the propose.
"I mean, the Open starts tomorrow, I don't think we'll have much time to do... this" this Carlos knew, didn't have a name.
"You mean like... stay the night?" Carlos felt like forgetting all english words.
"Yeah, we could watch a movie... there's a king sized bed, ... I don't think I will sleep, still jet-laged" A lie, Carlos was sure.
Carlos didn't know what to say, probably that reflected on his face.
"You don't have to, of course, if you don't want to " Jannik hastened to say.
"No, I mean, You... "Carlos tried to modulate "you surprised me, I guess" Carlos could sense Jannik's concern and felt pity for that.
He looked the man's eyes, saw something close to expectation in them, and realised he didn't want to let him down.
"Yeah, sure. I'll stay" He tried not to feel too happy when he saw Jannik's sneaky excitement.
Carlos obviously did not bring a pijama, neither a toothbrush, but that didn't worry him when all he could think of was that he was about to spend a night in Jannik's suite.
With Jannik.
Jannik Sinner, aparently, his friends favorite person to talk about.
Jannik, who was looking at Carlos with a soft smile.
Carlos entered Jannik's bedroom, big kingsized bed, white pillows and great picture windows.
"I'll get you something to wear"
"We are both sleeping" Carlos said, as Jannik handed him a pajama.
"I only got one bed, as you can see" Jannik answered, quickly and without thinking.
"Well, then I'll get the couch. You wont stay awake because of me" He sounded harsh, making himself clear.
"I'm not inviting you over night and having you sleeping on the couch" Jannik refuted, laughing, as he turned around and put on his pajamas.
Carlos laughed, amused, as he took off his shirt and dressed in his pajamas.
Rain wasn't something common on Australia during January, so both Carlos and Jannik were suprised to see rain drops outside the window of Jannik's room.
By the time they heard the first thunder they were avoiding the elefant in the room. They were both laying on Jannik's bed.
Both very awaken, very sober.
And not talking to one another.
Carlos had his eyes on the ceiling, trying to ignore Jannik's warm presence next to him.
Jannik turned around, arm under the pillow, and faced Carlos, sleepy eyes, his face betraying his feelings.
"I'm glad you are here" He almost wishpered, as it were a secret between him and Carlos.
And Carlos gasped, his whole body letting go the tension he had been feeling since he covered themselves with the bedsheets.
"I think... I'v been wanting to ask you this for a long time" he said so as if he wasn't torturing Carlos.
Carlos, who could do nothing more than face the ceiling, fighting back the impulse of turning around and hug Jannik.
Glassy green eyes kept looking at him, worried that he wouldn't say anything back. But he feared that opening his mount, being so close to Jannik, would unwrap his heart.
Maybe, he had already unwrapped his heart and gave a piece of it to Jannik.
But rumors filled in his ears. His friends talking about Jannik, describing him as everything but the sweet man that was looking hopefully to Carlos.
And Carlos couldn't have it. Couldn't feel like having just a part of Jannik when he would give himself totally to Jannik.
He turned around and faced the Italian.
"We should get some sleep" He knew he was being cruel, to both of them.
Jannik noded swifty, his eyes showing something that Carlos could not describe well.
Was it going to be like this from now on? Jannik saying something, showing him a part of himself only for Carlos, making him fall in love even more day by day, and then Carlos saying something to get them out of their dream?
Cause it wasn't a mistery to Carlos; how lost he was for Jannik, how deep in love he was with the man right next to him.
And the thing that hurted the most, was that it didn't mattered how many scenarios he had pictured, how many possible futures he had imagined next to Jannik, none of them could ever be real.
So, accepting this would be one of those many nights were he couldn't fall asleep, he turned around, making sure he wouldn't face the Italian, and would just stare at the raindrops.
He could feel Jannik also moving, creating more space between them, making Carlos feel colder.
He was devastated, to afraid of feeling anything for Jannik.
Every time he though about him, the though of Jannik laying in bed with another man, kissing them, giving himself to these strangers, letting himself be touched in ways he could only fantises about would made Carlos sick.
He didn't how much time had passed, didn't know if it was 3 am, it could have been much later than that, who knows? But he heard a ringtone, Jannik's ringtone.
He must have guessed Jannik was also awake and saw him take his phone.
From the angle, Jannik was showing Carlos his back, and was holding his phone a little too close, probably struggling to see without his glasses.
Carlos couldn't see the profile picture, couldn't read it's name, but he could see all the unread messages this person had sent Jannik.
Suddenly, Carlos's stomach felt empty.
An image appeared in the chat, it looked blurred, as if someone dancing had been the one taking it, a little dark, Jannik's face a little lighted by neon party lights.
Jannik looked, undeniably, beautifull. His eyes were closed while he was licking a man's cheek, near his lips, in a very much obscene way. His hands gripped the other man's jaw, preventing him from moving away.
And a message below the photo 'Got this one'.
And another, 'a few others, too'.
Chills ran down his legs, Carlos had never felt more nauseating in all his life.
He felt so that he couldn't help turning around fastly, almost jumping out of bed, not minding scaring the shit out of Jannik.
"Jesus! Carlos! What are you doing?" Carlos noticed how Jannik turned down his phone's screen, in a reflex. Carlos wanted to scream.
"I'm leaving" He looked for his clothes, trying to hold a tear "Now" he said harshly, not caring if he sounded cruel, pulling out the pajama Jannik gace him, not mindind being half naked.
"But, wait... "Jannik sited on the bed, eyes looking worried "what happened?"
They stood there, only outside lights illuminating their faces, looking at each other.
Carlos wanted an explanation, he though for a brief moment, that he deserved it.
But Jannik's genuinely confused face made him angrier.
" You... You really don't get it ... right.?" Carlos began, without really knowing what his point would be "You are clueless" he gasped, still looking at the other man "Or you are not, and simply don't care" His voice couldn't help but deepen.
Carlos wasn't trying to be cruel, but his words came harsh.
"I don't know what? Carlos" Jannik looked at him from his bed, becoming defensive, re-building old walls.
"Anything!'" Carlos couldn't help but raise his voice, which sounded even louder with the echo in the room " Everything, actually... everything they are saying about you!"
Carlos was too angry to even regret saying that.
"Carlos" Jannik was still covering half his body with the bedsheets "What are you talking about?" His eyes filled with tears that he tried to hide.
"Come on, Jannik, don't fuck with me" Jannik's disbelief making him angrier and angrier "The things they are saying about you...everyone knows... you" He said the last thing pointing at Jannik with his hand, as if giving up talking.
Giving up on Jannik.
They stood in silence, Jannik's face still unreadable to Carlos, who was now fully dressed.
A little part of him hoped that Jannik would say something, that he would defend himself, call every single one of Carlos's friends a liar.
And Carlos would believe him, he would chose to believe him and maybe, he would get into bed again, just to being able to wake up tomorrow near Jannik.
But none said anything.
The Italian stared at Carlos, saw him standing there, completely dressed while he was still in bed, defenseless.
Then he looked down, too ashamed to look at Carlos.
Carlos felt like screaming and slamming doors behing him. He understood Jannik wouldn't answer to that.
Carlos looked at Jannik, hoping to find at least a glimpse of honesty, but all he saw was the ginger getting out of the bed to stand in front of Carlos.
Both their faces looked restless, both hearts beating very fast.
"Carlos, I..." He wasn't looking at Carlos, his eyes lost at some random point "I don't know... what to say" He paused and then "don't know what you want me to say"
Something in Carlos's chest hardened when he noticed Jannik was lying.
Carlos always believed he had an ace up his sleeve when playing Jannik on courts, that he would always find the way to counter and win.
But seeing him now, trying not to lie to Carlos, but avoidind telling him the truth, made Carlos realized that he had no ace at all.
In fact, it felt more like having his heart up his sleeve, and knowing that
Jannik, no matter what, would break it.
They surrenderd, no one uttered a word.
The only sounds being their breathings combined with the pouring rain.
Carlos knew, that by saying something more, his words would hurt Jannik, and staying there, just staring at him silently, noticing how the Italian was trying to scape his gaze, hurted him.
"I should go"
Jannik finally raised his head, shattering his heart.
"If that's what you want" Jannik spited, grossly.
Knowing Jannik was leting him go broke something in his chest, because Jannik wouldn't fight to defend himself, nor make Carlos stay.
"Jannik..." please, Carlos though.
He was breaking both hearts.
"What?" Jannik jumped, abruptally "what do you want me to say?" This time, he fixed his eyes on Carlos's "Do you wanna hear me say it? Say that it's truth?
Everything they say about me" Jannik spited, growing space between them.
Carlos was paralised, not remembering ever seeing the Italian so mad, not even on courts. He didn't move, felt like he couldn't.
"Everything it's truth, Carlos" Jannik said, mercilessly "Everything you guys say about me, it's truth. Happy?" A tear rolled down Jannik's cheek, his eyes getting red and his lips trembling.
Now, Carlos did feel like a monster.
He knew he caused that.
"Jannik, please, relax... I didn't mean to- " Carlos steped closer but was interruped.
"Relax? What are you doing, Carlos?" Jannik replied stunned "What are you doing here, sleeping in my bed, in my room, next to me? " Carlos swore to hear Jannik's voice cracking more and more "Why do you think, that you, from all people, had the right to ask? To question, about wherever is going on my life?" Another tear droping "You know nothing"
Jannik, overwelwend, sited down, at the edge of his bed, his hands resting his head.
Carlos looked down at him, feeling as if he were losing something, as if he were losing Jannik.
Then he saw the small spasms in Jannik's back, caused by his crying. Crying that Carlos hadn't forgotten; he had caused.