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The Batcomputer hummed softly, a backdrop of gentle beeps against the staccato rhythm of Jason Todd’s pacing. He was wearing the full Red Hood gear, minus the helmet, which he was currently using to gesticulate wildly.
“I’m just saying,” Jason growled, pointing the helmet at Tim like an accusing finger, “it was a done deal. A done deal, Timbo. You and Brown. The perfect merger. I get Steph as a sister-in-law. Finally, someone in this zoo who can appreciate a well-placed explosive and has the decency to laugh at my jokes.”
Tim didn’t look up from his research. Three monitors displayed stock trends, another showed a grainy satellite image of what might have been a Lazarus Pit, and the last was just a live feed of a panda chewing bamboo. “Stephanie is my ex, Jason. We’ve been over for years.”
“Details!” Jason slammed the helmet on the console, making the panda pause its chewing. “We could have been family. Real family. You, me, Steph. We’d get a place, have game nights. I’d teach the kids to hotwire a car by the time they’re six. It was a beautiful future.”
“You’re forgetting the part where I’m dating someone.”
The cave went silent. Jason’s eye twitched. “We don’t say his name in this cave.”
From the rafters, a cheerful voice rang out. “Hi, Jay!”
Kon descended, landing lightly next to Tim and pressing a kiss to his temple. He was in his classic jeans and t-shirt, looking for all the world like a wholesome farm boy who definitely hadn’t just phased through three floors of Wayne Manor to get here. Tim’s entire demeanor shifted. He leaned into the touch, a small, private smile gracing his lips—a look Jason had never, ever seen him direct at a computer screen.
“Hey, baby,” Tim murmured, finally looking away from his monitors. The panda on screen resumed chewing, its job done.
“Ugh,” Jason gagged, miming vomiting into his helmet. “Look at you. ‘Baby.’ It’s nauseating. It’s an abomination. You’re supposed to be the brooding one.”
“Romeo brooded,” Kon pointed out helpfully, wrapping an arm around Tim’s waist. “And he ended up with Juliet. Tim’s my Juliet.”
Tim actually blushed. “I am not your Juliet.”
“You’re right, you’re way smarter. You’re my… Timiet?”
“That’s worse.”
“See?” Jason pleaded with an unseen audience. “He makes puns. He infects the Replacement with puns. This is the nightmare we live in.”
Stephanie Brown chose that moment to bounce down the cave steps, a bag of sour gummy worms in hand. “Did someone say nightmare? Ooh, is Jay telling the ‘Conner stole my dream sister-in-law’ story again? It’s my favorite.”
Jason snatched the bag from her. “It’s not a story, it’s a tragedy. A Shakespearean tragedy.”
“Oh, totally!” Stephanie agreed, snatching her gummy worms back. “But you’ve got the wrong play. Tim’s not your stand-in for Paris, Jay. He’s Romeo, Conner’s Romeo, and you’re… Tybalt.”
Jason straightened up. “Tybalt? The hot-headed one who gets into duels? I can work with that.”
“No, you idiot,” Stephanie said, patting his cheek condescendingly. “The one who’s just aggressively mad about a party he wasn’t invited to. You hate Kon because he’s at the family party and you can’t stop him from kissing your cousin.”
“He’s not my cousin!”
“Metaphorically,” Tim sighed, resting his head on Kon’s shoulder. “Steph, please don’t encourage him.”
“I’m not encouraging, I’m redirecting!” she said brightly. She turned a dazzling smile on Jason. “Look, Jay, I get it. You wanted me to be your sister-in-law. It’s a cute dream. Very ‘The Family That Slays Together.’ But you’re going about it all wrong.”
Jason squinted at her. “What do you mean?”
“You wanted me to marry Tim. But that ship has sailed, hit an iceberg, and the iceberg is currently making goo-goo eyes at the captain.” She gestured at Kon and Tim, who were now having a silent conversation consisting entirely of forehead touches and soft smiles. “So, you’ve got to pivot. If you can’t have me as a sister-in-law through Tim, how about you have me as a sister-in-law through… your sister?”
It took a second. Then another. Jason’s face cycled through confusion, dawning horror, and then a terrifying, slow-spreading grin. He looked at Steph, then at the blissed-out couple on the other side of the cave.
“Cass,” he breathed.
“Cass,” Stephanie confirmed with a sage nod.
Tim’s head shot up. “Absolutely not.”
Kon just looked confused. “Cass? The one who can read your soul by looking at your pinky finger? That Cass?”
“The very same,” Steph said, popping a gummy worm. “Think about it. Jay gets his dream of me in the family. I get access to the Todd family brownie recipes, which I know you have, Jason, don’t even try to deny it. And Tim and Kon get to live in their little Superbat love nest without Jay’s weekly ‘Kill Kon’ plans. It’s a win-win-win.”
“It’s a disaster,” Tim argued. “You can’t just… weaponize your charm on Cassandra Cain to appease Jason Todd’s weird brother-in-law fantasy!”
“Watch me,” Stephanie winked.
Jason was already pulling out his phone. “I’m texting her. ‘Hey Cass, want to come to the manor? Steph’s here. She’s got gummy worms and a proposition.’” He paused, looking at his message. “Is ‘proposition’ too forward?”
“For Cass? No,” Stephanie said confidently. “She appreciates directness.”
Kon leaned down to whisper to Tim. “Is this real? Is this our life now?”
Tim looked up at him, his boyfriend who could move planets with his mind, who was currently looking at the scene unfolding before them with wide-eyed wonder. He thought about Jason’s weekly attempts to ‘accidentally’ drop a piano on Kon, about the family dinners that turned into airless zones whenever Kon tried to pass the salt, about how this chaotic, insane plan was the first time Jason had smiled at the idea of Kon without it being a prelude to violence.
Tim smiled. “Yeah,” he whispered back, his heart swelling. “I think it is.”
Across the cave, Jason’s phone buzzed. He read the message, and his grin widened impossibly. “She says, and I quote, ‘Gummy worms. Proposition. Batman’s chair. 10 minutes.’” He looked at Steph with newfound respect. “Brownie recipes are yours. Welcome to the family… future sister-in-law.”
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