Work Text:
“I just feel like we should think about this a bit more,” Shane tried valiantly to help the intern affix the mic to his chest protector, but after the third time of getting his hands shooed out of the way, he let them drop to his side.
“Shane, is fine, Harris can have his finger over the bleep button for when we say fuck and can cut the feed if you cannot stop talking about how irresistible you find me. No worries.” Ilya had given up on helping the mic placement, and instead fiddled with tucking his necklace under his base layer so it laid flat. A bruise exactly the shape of his cross and wedding ring was fun hypothetically, but tended to distract Shane when he could be putting his mouth somewhere more interesting.
“I really doubt that’s how this is gonna go,” Shane responded dryly, cutting his eyes over to meet Ilya’s with half a smile.
“Oh so you think I will be the one who cannot stop talking about my sexy husband?” Ilya waved his hands around in mock outrage, laying an apologetic hand on the shoulder of the intern who’s microphone work he had yet again interrupted.
“Yeah, I do actually. The person who cannot stop talking EVER might be the one who can’t stop talking during this game.” Shane’s extremely valid point was interrupted by Harris crossing the locker room to check on them.
“OK mics are all set up, we’ll do sound check during warm ups but should be good to go!” Harris smiled widely, his Ottawa Pride jersey emblazoned with his boyfriend’s name and an apple pin, as well as the enamel pin of a hockey stick wrapped in pride tape that Ilya had found at the farmers market while waiting for Yuna to pick out perfect turnips.
“And this is live, right? Like actually live?” Shane failed to sound casual about this, but Ilya just bumped him with his shoulder. This would be fun.
“Well yeah, but it’s a separate online feed from the broadcast so no need to worry too much about swearing, this won’t exactly be prime time.” Harris laughed loudly at his own joke, drawing the attention of the locker room.
“Cap is mic’d up too?” Bood leaned into the conversation as he wrapped his stick carefully in rainbow tape.
“Yes, the world will finally know I am funniest hockey player too, poor Shane Hollander, no superlatives left.”
“Superlatives, nice word, you get that from the New Yorker?”
“I got it from your mom actually,” Ilya cracked a wide grin to the groans from the locker room.
“Great example of the kind of banter the fans love to see guys, save it for the ice!” Harris slapped them both on the back and crossed back out of the locker room to film tiktoks or whatever he was doing when he wasn’t ruining Shane’s public image.
“Ilya,” Shane said softly as they turned to do their final preps before heading out for warmups, “what the heck are we going to talk about out there that isn’t on the list of unacceptable public topics?”
“Are you implying I can’t have normal hockey conversation with my husband during a hockey game?” Ilya had the audacity to sound offended by this. As it turned out, Shane was implying correctly, Ilya could not have a normal hockey conversation with his husband during a hockey game. Not even close.
Warm Ups [transcript]
SH: Testing one two three?
IR: Shane that is most boring sound check ever.
[Shane gestures to sound booth who give them double thumbs up]
SH: Not everything we do has to be super interesting. You’d be so upset if we played this whole game and then found out your mic hadn’t been turned on.
IR: Not turned on, hmmm, not generally an issue for us, no?
SH: Great example of things we won’t be saying during this game, Rozanov.
IR: Wow, so professional Hollander. Going for the Lady Byng this year?
SH: Excuse me, I’m always a professional.
IR: Lady Byng is also for being a gentleman, are you going to start being a gentleman now?
SH: Fuck you, I’m always a gentleman!
[Shane stops his warm up to give Ilya a shove, who just laughs into his mic and skates away.]
IR: Is joke, Hollander is always a gentleman. Me on the other hand….
SH: It just occurred to me that these are mics and I can’t hear what Rozanov is saying about me when I’m not next to him. Sorry in advance for whatever he’s saying, its probably all lies.
[Harris grins manically in the sound booth, listening into their feeds and watching the comments on the live stream pour in.]
First Period
IR: Shane let me take the opening faceoff for Pride game because he feels bad everyone says I’m gay now when I’m bisexual. Is erasure. So he let me take faceoff and he takes bench. Very good husband, will be very nice to him later.
[The Detroit player across from him makes a face that is visibly confused.]
IR: I am mic’d up for game, so is Hollander.
[A mumble of understanding gets barely picked up by the mic.]
IR: So please no slurs, Maccy, I know how you love to call me a –
[The puck drops as he fails to finish his chirp and Rozanov takes the faceoff cleanly back to Barrett]
IR: For the record [Heavy breathing] Maccy is good guy, would never [Grunt as Rozanov is slammed into the boards as he passes the puck to Bood] would never call me a slur.
IR: Call me an asshole? Sure, has many times, I am asshole, but never a slur.
[Faceoff in Detroit zone, Macintosh is lined up across from Rozanov again.]
Macintosh: Hey fuck you asshole, what was that shit about slurs?
IR: I corrected for the mic, was just a chirp, you are not bad guy, just bad hockey player
[Rozanov wins the faceoff.]
[cuts]
SH: Nice work out there [Muffled sound of gloves and sticks hitting the boards as he jumps to make the shift change as Rozanov takes his seat on the bench]
IR: Eh, nice enough work. No goals still though, bad form to not score on Pride night, makes queer community look unsexy, will have to do better here.
[cuts]
SH: Hey man nice tape [Hollander refers to the trans flag tape on the stick of the Detroit defender as they battle for the puck]
SH: Very cool to have so many flags out here, nice to see the sport culture shifting.
Defender, audibly out of breath: How are you jawing right now?
SH: Oh sorry, should I pretend to be working hard to make you feel better?
Defender: Fuck you, Hollander
[Horn sounds, Hollander scored]
IR: Fuck yeah Hollander! Beautiful Goal!
[Rozanov jumps the boards to join the celebration as the period ends]
IR: Playing with you food, Hollander?
SH: Couldn’t resist, defense wasn’t even making me work for it.
[Both laugh]
IR: Nice end to the period, Detroit should draft some defenders out of stands, beer league guys would do better.
SH: Don’t give them ideas, Rozanov, would be embarrassing to lose the Pride game.
IR: Lose the pride game? With gayest player in the league Shane Hollander on team? Impossible.
SH: Don’t let Scott hear you talking like that [both laugh]
Second Period
SH: I was told to offer more hockey commentary and be more entertaining this period, so thanks Harris, its not like I’m doing much else out here anyway.
[Gestures to himself in the faceoff]
SH: I’m mic’d for the livestream
Detroit Center: Hi Mom
[Hollander loses faceoff]
SH: Motherfucker this kid is fast
[Slams into boards, mic hits something metal]
SH: That’s more like it [passes to Haas] Come on Haas!
IR: The bench is lovely this time in game, in case anyone was wondering
Barrett, muffled: So fucking dramatic
SH: Yup Yup Yup
[Haas passes the puck back to Hollander for a slapshot, which bounces off the pads.]
SH: Lets try that one again [Haas returns it and Hollander takes a second slap shot]
IR: Off the crossbar, gonna be pissed about that one
[Rozanov taps gloves with Hollander as they switch shifts]
IR: Bad luck
SH: I think they moved the crossbar…
[Rozanov laughs as he chases down the puck]
IR: Time to show how a real hockey player scores.
[Rozanov takes a slapshot at the net, pings off the post]
IR: Hmm embarrassing
SH: God I hope he said something rude about me before firing that dinger
SH: Now if Rozanov is playing smart hockey here he’s gonna pass over to Bood and create some traffic
[Rozanov fires the puck tape to tape to Bood and immediately gets in the way of the goal tender’s line of sight]
SH: Yeah so he’s doing that to make sure their goalie can’t see Bood, who hopefully will get the puck over – yup – Bood passed it over to Barrett who –
[Barrett takes a wrist shot up to the top corner of the goal, goalie catches it and cages it]
SH: Man the Detroit tender is standing on his head out there this period, nice work man, is that Helly?
Haas, muffled: I think it’s Michaels
SH: Never mind, nice work Michaels, sorry Helly, next time bud
[cuts]
IR: Very annoying work from the Detroit tender who is only man on team it seems
[Rozanov checks a Detroit player out of his way as he drives back to the Detroit goal]
IR: Whoops that was a bit of a big hit, sorry man made of glass
SH: Totally Kronwalled that guy for no reason, what’s he doing out there?
SH: Oh so Kronwalled is like a big hit, usually a defender but Ilya’s all over out there tonight, and whew what a hit
IR: I can see Shane Hollander talking to his mic on the bench, I’m so sure he’s upset I slammed that guy for no reason
IR, shouting: Was mistake Shane, calm down!
[On the bench, Hollander makes a ‘What are you doing?’ gesture at Ilya and points at the puck]
IR: Nice, have distracted him from the hit, perfectly done from me
SH: Not forgetting about that hit, could have fucked his shoulder for nothing
[cuts]
[Rozanov battles the Detroit winger for the puck and takes a stick to the face, jerking back]
IR: Motherfucker that fucking hurts [Audibly spits, blood hits the ice]
SH: Ooh that one fucking hurt, no teeth by the look of it though, gotta be a high stick call
[Penalty is called, Ottawa power play]
IR: Showtime Hollander
SH: Thought you’d never ask, Rozanov
[They knock helmets as Hollander skates to line up for the faceoff in Detroit territory]
SH: How’s you mouth feeling?
IR: You’ve never complained
SH: Walked right into that one
IR: Can’t walk after if I have my way
SH: We gonna play some hockey here or you wanna keep making viral soundbites and giving me grey hairs?
IR: The grey is sexy, but so is the hockey
IR: Was hoping you’d kiss it better, bad husband, very mean to me
SH: Score first, Rozanov
IR: Not our usual order but fine for Pride game I will sacrifice
SH: Please, I’m begging you, we are mic’d
IR: Begging, Hollander, we are at work!
SH: We’re gonna get a delay of game call for this bullshit
[Hollander takes the faceoff, passes to Rozanov who fires it across to Haas, bar down Ottawa Power Play goal]
IR: That’s my son!!!!
SH: Ilya, we’ve talked about this
[Celebration noises, Hollander skates back to the bench to swap with Bood]
IR: Would like a nice 3-0 score to close this period I think
SH: I bet Ilya’s talking about scoring right about now, one minute to go in the second period
SH: To do that, he’d have to stop fucking around
[Hollander stands up on the bench, shouting to Rozanov on the ice as he passes by the bench]
SH: Rozanov its fucking brunch time, asshole!
SH: To be clear, that means something, like it’s a play call, not just talking about brunch
IR: Shane talking about brunch, probably pretending its some fancy play call.
[cuts]
IR: Bood! Brunch!
[Ottawa swarms the net, Rozanov takes a quick shot to the top corner which is saved by the goalie]
[Second Period ends]
IR: Fucking tender spoiled my brunch plans
SH: Michaels ruined brunch, Rozanov isn’t gonna like that
[Hollander skates to meet Rozanov on the ice before they clear]
SH: Bad luck babe, we can do brunch later
IR, whining: I wanted that brunch though!
[kissing noise as Hollander gives Rozanov a smooch on the helmet]
IR: Helmet kiss? What are we? Married?
SH: Asshole
Third Period
IR: Ok Ottawa fans, we are up 2-0 going into the third period, I think homophobic to not make it 3-0 at least before game ends
[Rozanov lines up for the faceoff]
Detroit Center: You mic’d up too?
IR: Why? You have good chirp to go viral?
Detroit Center: Hi Dad
[Detroit wins the faceoff]
IR: Kids are getting faster [audibly slams into boards] every fucking year
SH: Ooh Rozanov is gonna be pissed he got out-skated there, kid was faster than him, plain and simple
Barrett: Are you roasting Roz right now?
SH: To be fair, it’s part of the full-time husband thing
SH: Not that you’d know about this husband thing
[Pointed silence from Barrett]
SH: Just saying, he’d probably say yes
Barrett: He’s also the guy in charge of this live stream, he can totally hear you
SH: Maybe he’s gonna beat you to the punch then, should get to work on that
Barrett: Can we please do our jobs and stop talking about this?
SH, grinning: Coward
[Barrett shoves Hollander off the bench]
[cuts]
IR: Hollander and Barrett have been chatting like they are at brunch this whole time
IR: I have been playing professional hockey and they’re ordering mimosas on bench
Detroit Center, while jockeying for the puck: Bro I think that’s homophobic, you can’t say they’re at brunch just cause they’re gay.
IR: No I say they’re at brunch because we’re about to score
Detroit Center: Do you usually score after brunch?
IR: Only on good days
[Rozanov shoots at the goal, its saved by the Detroit goalie]
IR: Would have been cooler if I’d scored
Detroit Center: That’s what she said
IR: Is pride game, that’s what he said
[Detroit Center gives him a shoulder bump]
Detroit Center: Hell yeah brother
[cuts]
SH: Scoring would be fun here, but isn’t looking too likely, got too much going on in goal for me to [muffled grunt, shot glances off the glass] Fuck that was good defending
IR: If Hollander can just score here then I can relax and enjoy my night
SH: I hope [audible scuffle] Hey can you fuck off please? I’m trying to give good hockey analysis here while I play professional hockey
SH: As I was saying [more scuffling noise, a loud crack as a stick snaps, Hollander immediately turns for the bench] Ah fuck that’s not ideal
SH, shouting to bench: Who’s got me?
[Hollander cuts back to skate past the bench, grabbing Rozanov’s stick as he passes and jumps back into the game]
IR: He’s gonna be mad about that, hates how I tape the stick
Barrett: Please don’t mention the stick again I am begging you
IR: Why Barrett? Are you not thinking about hockey during this hockey game? Perhaps have something else on your mind?
Barrett: Fuck off, Rozy
IR: No, I don’t think I will [visibly grinning on jumbotron]
SH: These actual assholes break my stick [heavy breathing] and then are fast as hell [muffled crash as they hit the boards] And don’t even give us a shot on goal for our trouble
SH: Clearly not a Canadian team, I’m just saying
[cuts]
SH: Fuck me, last shift here, if we want 3-0 it has to be now Rozanov
[taps gloves]
IR: Kiss for luck?
SH: Only if you score
[Rozanov skates away after the puck]
IR: He’s so full of shit, will kiss me either way
[Crashing noise from the glass]
IR: Probably
[cuts]
IR: Bood! Brunch again!
Boodram: Brunch a-fucking-gain?
IR: Only 30 seconds left! Please! Barrett! Tell him we brunch! For [audible breathing] For pride game!
Barrett: Fuck it, lets fucking brunch
IR: Fuck yes
[Ottawa pushes defenders up and swarms the net, Barrett slips the puck past the goalie with one second to go]
[horn sounds, Ottawa Goal, 3-0]
SH: Oh no [visibly grinning on the jumbotron, jumping boards for the celebration]
IR, shouting: Shane! You have to kiss me now, is the rules!
Barrett: I think technically he should be kissing me
IR: Oh because Hollander is babe, yes?
SH, under his breath: Not this again
Barrett: Do we have to do this every time? Every fucking time?
IR: Yes. You call husband a babe. I remind you you called husband babe. We embarrass you on livestream when your boyfriend is listening. Is deal.
SH: Ilya, enough, come here [audible kiss, immediately drowned out by crowd noise] Leave Barrett alone, he probably just did his only scoring of the night
Barrett: OK fuck both of you
[Ottawa lines up for final face off, Detroit takes the puck as time expires, Ottawa win]
IR: Line up my gays, time to be as gentlemanly as my husband Shane Hollander
SH: You never let anything go, do you?
IR: Let you go? Never
[handshakes and ‘good games, Hollander and Rozanov skate the lap waving to fans and grinning’]
IR: God I’m fucking starving, McDonalds on way home, yes?
SH: Just this one time
IR: Wow, is my birthday?
SH: A reward for not saying anything too horrific on this livestream
IR: You have no idea what I’ve been saying on this livestream, could have been talking all game about how gorgeous you look when you’re on your –
[end of audio]
@OttawaCentaursOffical
Thanks for joining us for Captain Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander’s Mic’d up livestream for Pride Night! Go Centaurs!