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“Hey, Brown Eyes. Fancy a walk on the beach?”
You and Tech both lifted your heads at the same time as the voice of Phee Genoa permeated the long-standing silence of the living room of the Bad Batch’s comfortable home on Pabu.
Tech, who was previously absorbed in tinkering with your blaster, had left it forgotten on the coffee table, turning his attention to Phee.
“I do not see why not. Please allow me a moment to gather my belongings,” he replied.
Whilst Tech’s attention was focused elsewhere, you glanced at Phee who shot you a small smirk, knowing she’d successfully gotten under your skin.
As Jedi General of the Bad Batch during the Clone War, you’d become close with all members of Clone Force 99. You liked Hunter’s strong ability to be Sergeant of his squad. You appreciated the way Echo welcomed you to the group, with him presenting you so much warmth and kindness. You admired Crosshair’s mastery in the art of staying calm and focusing on whatever was in his scope. And you adored how Wrecker could make everyone laugh, even after the most grueling mission.
But it was Tech who you’d grown particularly close with. You could spend hours listening to him chatting about adjustments he was making to the Marauder, or how he would come to you with ideas to make your lightsaber ignite faster.
After Order 66, your life had been torn apart. You’d reconnected with the Batch not long after Crosshair had left them to join up with the Empire. After several months of running with them, this time as their friend and not as their general officer, you’d soon come to realise that when the Council had held you back from love, they’d also held you back from happiness.
Being around Tech made you happy.
You liked the way your heart raced whenever he spoke your name. You liked how the sound of his voice made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You liked the feeling of his hand on your shoulder when you were having a particularly difficult day, and the way he’d comfort you with minimal words, allowing you to swim in the warmth of his presence alone. Plus, Phee wasn’t wrong; he really did have the most beautiful brown eyes.
It didn’t take you long to realise that you liked him. But of course, once a Jedi, always a Jedi.
You struggled to process these new emotions, guilt erupting in your mind. You were happy, yes. However, what would your Master have said? What would the Council say?
There is no emotion, there is peace.
Had the Order still existed, you’d have been expelled. You could already hear Yoda’s voice criticising you, telling you that you were no longer welcome within the Jedi Order.
Still, you were happy. There was no denying it.
Until Phee Genoa appeared in Cid’s cantina and laid her eyes upon the man who you’d been harbouring a rather large amount of affection for.
Over the months, she’d spent a significant amount of time with the Batch. They liked her. Omega liked her. You pretended to like her.
But you saw the way she looked at him. Like he was another of her ancient wonders waiting to be liberated. Like he was ready to be placed in the Archium on Pabu, ready to be shown off to everyone, making it known that he belonged to her.
You were jealous. You tried not to be, especially because of the condemnation of the emotion during your time with the Jedi.
It was hard, and you couldn’t help but think back to the times where your jealousy had almost gotten the better of you.
Shaking your head, your thoughts returned to the present. You looked around the room and realised that they’d already left for the beach. You really didn’t want to pour salt in the wound, but you wanted closure. After all, all it would take would be you observing them from your balcony and seeing them together. Then you’d move on.
Taking a deep breath and rising to your feet, you tentatively headed towards your balcony near the Pabu coastline. It’s what you once loved about your home, its proximity to the beach. Although now you were beginning to regret that sentiment.
Opening the door, you headed outside, the warm Pabu air hitting your face. You moved towards the stone railing, looking out towards the beach. It took a second for you to find the pair, but once you did, you realised that the closure you so desperately wanted may not come so soon.
Tech’s arms were crossed as he walked, brown eyes focused on the yellowing sunset. You knew him well enough to know that there was always something on his mind, but this looked different. He looked tense, like his thoughts were trained on something else. Something other than what, or who he should be thinking about: Phee.
Phee, on the other hand, looked carefree, smiling, laughing, making jokes. Her hand was swinging next to her, twitching every so often like the thought of taking Tech’s hand into hers was getting the better of her.
Of course, your Jedi upbringing allowed for you to be perceptive of others emotions. Phee’s confidence seemed to be completely opposed by Tech’s…distress?
No, not distress. Anxiety perhaps? You questioned what he could possibly be anxious about. He was settled on a beautiful island with a gorgeous woman at his side, what more could he want?
You frowned, the thought of Tech’s worry overwhelming you.
You were destroying yourself, you thought. Hidden emotions becoming visible over a man who would never love you back.
You sauntered back into the house, slouched shoulders and blurry eyes making an appearance.
So this is what heartbreak felt like.
*****
“I saw ya, y’know.”
You turned your head towards Phee, where she was standing next to you on the balcony, the same one you’d watched the pair just days ago.
“The other day. You were on the balcony whilst Tech and I were enjoying our walk. For an ex-Jedi, you ain’t exactly good at hiding your presence, which is why I should tell you that I’m going to be pursuing him. Hope ya don’t mind.”
Attempting to conceal your emotions, you replied as casually as possible. “Why would I mind, Phee?”
“You’re not sneaky, I see how you look at him. The first time I met y’all I saw how you looked at him.
Inhaling quietly, you looked away from her, before speaking in a voice coated in a false confidence.
“He’s my friend. He worked together and now we don’t, but I appreciate his company nonetheless. We’re friends, that’s all.”
She huffed out a laugh. “If y’all are friends, how come you don’t look at Hunter or Wrecker like that? You ain’t slick, Jedi.”
“Phee, it’s not a problem if you want to court him. I have no objections, in fact I say go for it. Tech deserves some happiness after everything.”
You thought your tongue would bleed with how hard you were biting it.
Tears were threatening to fall, and you knew if she continued to talk your true feelings would soon be revealed.
A pause, then: “Sounds good. I’ll go ask him now. See ya, Jedi.”
Nonchalantly, you nodded your head. “Good luck.”
As soon as you heard the door close, the emotions which you’d tried so hard to conceal announced themselves abruptly.
He was gone, and he’d never be yours. This perfect, perfect man of which you’d been hiding your feelings for would never be yours, because you were too much of a coward to tell him how you felt.
Staring out into the sunset, you tasted saltiness on your lips. You presumed it to be the sea air announcing itself through the warm wind, but when you saw that the sunset you loved oh so much had blurred into what looked like one of Omega’s paintings, you realised there were tears falling down your face.
Suddenly, you were sobbing. Silent tears fell like waterfalls down your cheeks, creating an ocean of despair at your feet. It felt like you’d taken a lightsaber to the heart.
Your weeping hid the sound of the door opening.
Your sadness masked the feeling of a tender hand on your shoulder.
It was only when you heard your name spoken that you turned your attention to the person next to you.
Hunter.
Wiping your eyes on the sleeve of your robe, you greeted the man.
“H-Hunter, hello.”
He didn’t speak. He didn’t need to. His enhanced senses forced your conversation with Phee into earshot whilst he sat just through the wall. He’d known for a long time how you felt towards Tech. Ever since they were assigned to you in the war, he’d known. Small glances towards the man, kind gestures which had been an attempt at telling Tech how you felt.
But right now, what you needed was silent comfort, not someone to tell you everything would be fine. So as he rubbed your back, quietly whispering “Shh, you’re okay. I’ve got you,” you wanted to believe him.
You couldn’t.
*****
Four days had passed and you’d made an active effort to avoid both Tech and Phee. In fact, in four days you’d had time to decide that you’d overstayed your welcome on Pabu. You’d caught wind of a network known as the Hidden Path and decided that your help would be needed there.
It would be hard to leave your squad. To leave Omega. To leave Tech.
But it would have been impossible to stay, watching the new couple be happy together.
You quietly packed your bags and headed down to the ship you’d secretly stashed away in the cave near the beach.
You didn’t leave a note.
You didn’t need to.
Stepping foot on the gangplank, you looked into the ship, and then back out at the cave and the dark sky beyond.
This was it.
Until you heard a familiar soft voice calling your name.
Looking back out to the cave, you spotted the one person you didn’t want to see. He couldn’t possibly understand your feelings, why would he?
“Tech. Please just…go.”
He shook his head and took a few tentative steps forward.
“No. I am not leaving. Not until you tell me your reason for removing your belongings from our home and departing unannounced.”
You sighed, dropping the last of your boxes on the ship. How could one man be so incredibly clever yet so dense at the same time? You turned your gaze away from him. Just looking at him made your eyes fill with tears.
“Please I…Just…Just let me go. I’m sure Phee is missing you. She won’t be happy if she sees you with me.”
He blinked at you, and his mouth opened and closed like he couldn’t process what you’d just said.
“Perhaps you could elaborate? Why would Phee be unhappy if we are seen together?” he spoke, almost how one would speak to a scared Tooka.
You shrugged, a frown appearing on your face.
“You know why, Tech. There’s no point hiding it now. Make her happy, like she deserves, please,” you pleaded. All you wanted was for him to leave, to let you get on your ship and never come back, spending every day for the rest of your life trying to forget the memories you’d made as friends.
“I do not understand the point you are trying to make–”
You cut him off before he could rub anymore salt in the wound.
‘Phee is your girlfriend! She asked me if I would be upset if she asked you out and I said no but the truth is I am upset because I’ve been in love with you since the War, but my emotions have been so conflicted and I could never tell you because it’s against the Code and…and now I’ve lost my chance and you’re with her and she finds so much happiness in watching me suffer but…but I love you, Tech. I love you, and I just want you to know that before I leave,” you rambled, the words spilling out of your mouth.
You couldn’t meet his eyes, the tears falling down your face filling you with embarrassment.
He paused for a moment, a shocked expression momentarily on his face. You could feel the emotions running through his mind; sadness in particular making itself known to you. It felt like your Force sensitivity was mocking you, allowing you to know what Tech was feeling but not being able to act on it. You were frozen to the spot.
The sound of Tech clearing his throat was a welcome one after your outburst, breaking the silence, but you still feared his response. You knew he wouldn’t laugh at you, but hearing his rejection rather than simply just presuming it was bound to be nothing less than devastating.
“Darling…”
Your head shot up, eyes focusing on where Tech stood.
He spoke again, quietly, filled with as much affection as his brain would let him.
“Darling, to put it simply, you have misunderstood.”
You watched him push his goggles up his face, a nervous tick that you’d picked up on since the day you'd met the Batch.
The roles you’d assumed had been reversed. Where before, Tech was the one confused by your sorrow, it was now you confused by his ambiguous choice of words. What did he mean by calling you darling?
“Misunderstood?” you scoffed, dismissing any form of affection that he was trying to push towards you. “What is there to misunderstand, Tech?”
You heard him take a deep breath. You knew whatever he was about to say was serious.
Tech was always a confident speaker.
He was nervous.
“It was never Phee. It was you. It always has been, and it always will be.”
Oh.
His face softened, as if he was just as relieved as you to get it off his chest. Without taking another second to wait for your reaction, he continued speaking, adjusting his goggles again.
“Phee approached me several days ago, informing me that she, in her words ‘liked me’ and that it would be favourable if the two of us entered into a relationship.”
“What did you tell her?” you murmured, just loud enough for him to hear over the chirping of nearby moon-yos awakening with the morning sun.
“That the sentiment was appreciated. However, my affection lies with someone else. You.”
You nibbled your bottom lip, testing if somehow this was a dream. You quickly realised it wasn’t.
Tech moved to walk towards where you were standing on the gangplank. You, however, were frozen in place, stunned by his confession. You watched as he gently reached his hand out towards you, unthreatened by your wide eyes and pale expression.
“May I take your hand, cyare?” he asked tenderly.
You found that you could do nothing except nod as he slowly took your hand, acting like in that moment, you were a precious artifact, only to be held by the gentlest, most experienced hands. Tech’s hands.
He ran his ever so slightly calloused thumb over your knuckles before raising them to his lips.
“I understand this will be difficult for the both of us, given your Jedi background and my distinct focus on furthering my knowledge, but…” he hesitated. “...But if it is something you are willing to try then I would be honoured to call you my partner.”
“Really? That’s something you want, Tech?”
He smiled at you, his pupils dilating.
“There is nothing that would make me happier, darling.”
You jumped forward to wrap your arms around his neck, and although you felt him flinch, clearly not used to such physical affection (other than occasionally from Omega and Wrecker), he soon relaxed into the hug, stroking one hand through your hair and the other resting on your back.
Maybe staying on Pabu wouldn’t be as bad as you thought.