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The faint glimpse of light coming through the curtains wakes Yoshiki up. Next thing he registers is the boy lying next to him. Or on top of him, to be exact. Hikaru’s head is resting on his chest and so is most of his upper body as well. His other arm is wrapped tightly around Yoshiki, like even in sleep he protects him. Their legs are tangled with each other, as if they are branches of the same tree that have grown around each other.
This is the sixth day of their sleepover. Hikaru has been staying at Yoshiki’s place, because his mother is away from home. Tomorrow is the day when Hikaru’s mother comes back from her conference. She went to the big city for work related stuff and Hikaru had to stay behind.
But Yoshiki heard a conversation between their mothers. Hikaru actually had the opportunity to go with his mother. She could have taken him with her. But Hikaru refused. Said he could stay with Yoshiki instead.
Yoshiki’s parents gave in of course. Yoshiki and Hikaru have been staying over each other’s houses since they were old enough to no longer cry from homesickness.
Yoshiki wonders if Hikaru would have chosen differently. If it had been really him making that decision. But what is left of him is the monster curled up against him. One that could not leave Yoshiki behind, not even for a week.
It would be lying if Yoshiki said that he would have preferred that. Of course he would rather have Hikaru with him. He has grown to like the creature. It’s not him, but it’s also not not him.
So now for the whole week they have gone to school together and then spent the rest of the day and night together too. Asako, Yuuki and Maki had told them they were jealous.
They don’t know that Yoshiki is fighting demons every moment he spends with Hikaru alone.
Not just because he feels conflicted about Hikaru's death. Yoshiki griefs him every day, but he is not mad at this Hikaru. No, he just simply granted the wish Hikaru expressed in his dying moments. Now he is here with Yoshiki, in a form of his dead friend, with all his memories and feelings. They thought for a while that Hikaru is Nounuki-sama, a god from mountains. Then it turned out that the god doesn't even exist. But Hikaru threatened to go back to the mountains and that's when Yoshiki realized that he would not survive without him.
Knowing that he is severely attached to Hikaru doesn't make it any easier for Yoshiki. It only complicates things, because Hikaru doesn't understand human feelings. Maybe he is even incapable of feeling what Yoshiki feels. Although he did say that he loves him, just maybe not in the same way humans do.
And that's exactly the problem. Because Yoshiki loved his best friend. Still loves, but he also loves this Hikaru. But he is not supposed to and it's even worse because he isn't even a human. Yoshiki has hidden his sexuality as soon as he became aware that he was different from others. In the wrong way. He would hear other villagers saying slurs and badmouthing those who don't fit the strict norms they so love, all while hiding behind his hair.
Homophobia, the lack of acceptance and understanding are the reasons why Yoshiki never confessed his feelings. And also the uncertainty of Hikaru's feelings. He couldn't figure out what he felt. He was so reserved and so different from the one that now warms his body with his own. There are similarities, but the creature is much more openly affectionate towards him.
And even if he could reciprocate the feelings Yoshiki has, it still wouldn't be that simple. They still can't be together. Even when Yoshiki is slowly starting to think that he doesn't want anything else.
So when it was the first night of their sleepover, things were about to get dangerous right from the beginning. Hikaru didn’t understand at first why he couldn't sleep next to Yoshiki.
“Why do I have to sleep on the floor?” Hikaru asks, staring at the mattress.
“Where did you think you were sleeping?”
“Next to you?”
Yoshiki has to swallow really hard before he can ask the question in his mind. “Why would you think that?”
“We used to sleep next to each other," Hikaru points out, looking very clueless, like he doesn't see the issue at all.
“Yeah. When we were kids.”
“Right. I have the memories. But I don’t know how it feels. I’ve never experienced it myself.”
For a moment Yoshiki wants to give in. But in the end he won’t.
“Look, I have and I know it sucks. We just ended up fighting about space and blankets.”
“Okay," Hikaru mumbles and looks down.
“Do you want the bed?” Yoshiki asks when Hikaru just stays quiet.
“No, I’m fine on the floor.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Good night.”
“Good night, Yoshiki.”
The next day was a bit easier. They woke up, went to school and came back. Nothing was abnormal until it was time for bed.
“Yoshiki?”
Yoshiki turns in his bed to look down at Hikaru. He is tense, unsure of why Hikaru isn't asleep already.
“What?”
“Are ya sleeping?”
“Do I look like I am?”
Hikaru looks away and for a moment Yoshiki regrets being harsh to him. But their lives haven't been very easy lately. Impurities are still tormenting the village. And Tanaka is after Hikaru, including the company he works for. Not to even mention that they haven’t yet solved Hikaru’s real identity. He is just a mysterious entity now. So Yoshiki has every right to be frustrated. But he shouldn’t take it on Hikaru.
“Sorry,” Hikaru mumbles.
“No, I’m sorry. Did you want something?”
Hikaru looks happy again. There’s hopeful glimmer in his eyes.
“Yeah.”
“So?”
Hikaru gets up to sit. Yoshiki lifts his head, but doesn’t do the same yet.
“I was thinkin' if you wanted to touch me again.”
Hikaru says it so bluntly like it’s no different than him asking whether Yoshiki wants to go out for ice cream or not.
Yoshiki almost chokes on his own spit as he tries to swallow and breathe. He turns his back on him, head tightly against the pillow again.
“No.”
“No?”
Yoshiki needs to sleep. He can’t be distracted by Hikaru. But he is not that far away. And his voice lingers in the room.
“Why not?”
“Kurebayashi said we shouldn’t mix anymore.”
“Right.”
And the conversation ends with that. They both try to sleep. Hikaru falls asleep easier while Yoshiki squirms in his bed. Would it cause too much harm if they did it, just once again? It felt oddly good. For both of them. But they shouldn’t…
The third and forth day went all normal. Yoshiki was at war with himself, but they didn’t do anything. However the fifth day… that was when they mixed again.
“Hikaru,” Yoshiki whispers. Part of him hopes that Hikaru is already asleep. That way he would have to resist the temptation again.
But Hikaru lifts his head and opens his eyes. He looks at Yoshiki with so much trust and adoration. Yoshiki doesn’t feel like he deserves any of it.
“Yeah?”
“Why do ya want me to touch you again?” Yoshiki asks. He is curious. But this also determines whether they will do it or not. Hikaru must have a convincing reason.
Hikaru gets up to sit. He wraps his arms around his legs and leans to place his head on top of them.
“I liked it. It felt good to have somethin' alive in me. I could almost feel yer beautiful soul.”
Yoshiki has to look away. It sounds like Hikaru is making a love confession. But the monster doesn’t feel those things. The entity inside his body may have Hikaru’s personality and memories but it’s still a separate being. And it had said it couldn’t tell whether his feelings were romantic or platonic. He loves Yoshiki, but… it’s not quite the same way Yoshiki… loves him.
“'sides it will train you to be more resistant to impurities.”
That’s a good point. It can’t be too bad if it also profits him, right?
“If we do it… we have to be quick. Okay? And just this once. Not anymore after it.”
“Okay. Quick. Once. Got it,” Hikaru repeats and nods. He sounds and looks eager. Yoshiki is having a difficult time trying to remember that this could be dangerous. Because seeing Hikaru happy is just hard to resist.
Hikaru starts to pull away his shirt. Yoshiki almost stops him, but then he realizes that his t-shirt doesn’t have buttons. So he has to take it off as whole.
“Do I come there?” Hikaru asks. Yoshiki can only nod as he moves to make space for him. Hikaru leaves the shirt on the mattress as he climbs on the bed, next to Yoshiki.
“Would it be more comfortable if we were both lyin'?” Hikaru asks.
Yoshiki thinks for a moment. Hikaru shouldn’t lie next to him. That’s a bad idea. This is already bad enough and he should stop while he still has the chance.
But there’s only so much yearning he can endure without doing anything about it.
“Yeah.”
They both lie down, facing each other. Yoshiki reaches for the hole in Hikaru’s chest. He is now familiar with the feeling, but it still manages to surprise him.
Hikaru lets out a gasp immediately. Yoshiki almost panics and clamps his hand over Hikaru’s mouth to muffle the sound. It’s too late though and he is afraid that someone might have heard him.
What would his parents think if they heard that kind of noise coming from his room?
“Shh,” Yoshiki shushes him.
“Sorry. Just feels good,” Hikaru whispers against his hand, his breath tickling Yoshiki’s skin. He retreats his hand, but keeps the other one inside him.
“Weird thing,” Yoshiki whispers. It is weird but also somehow addicting. He hasn’t been able to think about anything else than this in the last few days.
“Yoshiki, can I touch ya too? You said I shouldn’t do anythin' to anyone without permission. So can I? I’ll be careful.”
Yoshiki can’t say no to him.
“Okay.”
And suddenly Yoshiki feels good too when Hikaru’s insides touch him. It feels like caressing… but a lot better.
“No more,” Yoshiki mumbles, unsure if Hikaru can even hear his incoherent words. It starts to feel too overwhelming. Good, but… well too good. They should stop.
Hikaru listens to him and the odd feeling of his insides caressing Yoshiki is gone as fast as it came. Yoshiki hates that he immediately misses it. He shouldn’t. This is all kinds of wrong.
Yoshiki pulls his hand away and this time Hikaru buries his head on the pillow, probably to prevent any noises.
For a while they both just lie next to each other, catching their breath.
“Yoshiki,” Hikaru whispers and lifts his head to look at him.
“Hm?”
“Can I stay next to ya? I like yer warmth.”
Yoshiki battles with himself for a while until he nods. And does something he shouldn’t. He opens his arms, welcoming Hikaru into his embrace.
Hikaru clings to him like it's cold out there and Yoshiki is his last attempt to not freeze. It’s funny because it’s actually quite hot. Maybe too warm for cuddling, but since Yoshiki had the courage for this gesture he is going to stand it.
Besides it doesn’t feel unpleasant at all. Yoshiki quite enjoys just holding Hikaru close like this. It puts his mind at ease. Hikaru is safe in his arms. Nothing will happen to him again. Yoshiki won’t let anything bad to happen. Never again.
Before Yoshiki even notices it, he has raised his hand and now he is caressing Hikaru’s hair. And the boy in his arms leans against his touch.
Hikaru is his now.
The thought strikes Yoshiki like lightning. It makes him fuzzy and tingly all over. The realization dawns onto him with a cruel edge of pain added to the contentment.
Because he never had a chance to have the real Hikaru. But even when it hurts him to admit it, this one is more compatible for him. This Hikaru is utterly his. He is devoted to him. He won’t die or leave him. He won’t pull away when Yoshiki dares to touch him.
But even while he has him, the knowledge of other people’s reactions is what haunts Yoshiki and keeps him from fully enjoying the moment.
This is wrong in their eyes. And Yoshiki should know that. But lately he has started to question it. What if he isn’t a monster? If neither of them is? What if his feelings are normal and completely justified? Could it be that his shame prevents him from being what he has always meant to be?
“Sleep now.”
“I don’t really have to,” Hikaru murmurs. It surprises Yoshiki a little but after everything that he has learned so far, it’s not unbelievable.
“You should rest nonetheless.” Maybe he is wrong. But it unsettles him to think that Hikaru would be awake all night. Alone. No, they better sleep together.
“Okay. If you want me to.” Hikaru buries his face on the crook of Yoshiki’s neck. Yoshiki’s fingers are still caressing the white strands of his hair. It feels really good to have him this close.
It all came down to this moment. The last day until Hikaru has to go back home. It already starts dangerously since someone knocks on his door. Yoshiki thinks fast and he slides down to the floor, on the mattress. Hikaru grumbles in his sleep, probably unconsciously hating that he lost his human pillow. Yoshiki pulls the blanket to cover him while he kicks the shirt under the bed.
“Come in,” Yoshiki says, a bit of out of breath.
Kaoru peeks in. “Morning,” she says.
Yoshiki is surprised. How is she still not in bed? But he stopped questioning his sister’s behavior a long time ago.
“Morning.”
“Hikaru is still asleep,” Kaoru notes.
“Yeah.”
Yoshiki wants to keep it that way. If Hikaru now wakes up, he will probably just get up to sit like nothing is different. He probably doesn’t understand what’s wrong with nudity. And even if Kaoru wouldn’t think too much into it either, she might mention it around their parents and they wouldn’t just toss it under the rug like that.
Yoshiki hates this. Hiding things has suddenly become a major part of his life.
“Did you want something?” Yoshiki asks.
Kaoru looks down.
“I had a nightmare. Mom and dad are still asleep. And after the wig monster I… I don’t want to eat breakfast alone.”
It makes sense. She is usually awake only when others already are.
Yoshiki feels responsible. After all the wig monster was his fault.
“Okay well, can you wait a little bit? I’ll wake up Hikaru too. We’ll be there just in a minute,” Yoshiki promises.
Kaoru hesitates, but eventually she nods and leaves. Yoshiki climbs back to bed and starts to shake Hikaru. It works immediately. Hikaru’s eyes snap open and he grabs Yoshiki, pulling him close.
They are face to face, only inches separating their lips. Hikaru’s eyes glimmer in red. He looks predatory.
Until he recognizes Yoshiki.
“Oh. Yoshiki. It’s you.”
He lets go of him and Yoshiki starts to breathe again. He lets his head fall on Hikaru’s chest. He is exhausted already. Hiding things. Even from Hikaru.
“Sorry, I've been on alert lately.”
“Yeah. Understandable.”
Hikaru doesn’t move. Maybe he doesn’t mind Yoshiki on top of him. Maybe he likes the closeness. Yoshiki surely does. But he gets up, knowing it’s wrong.
“Kaoru doesn’t want to be alone. So get dressed and follow me,” Yoshiki says and pulls the shirt from under the bed. He gives it to Hikaru who frowns, but doesn’t say anything.
Hikaru and Kaoru get along well. While Hikaru humors Yoshiki’s little sister, he drifts to his thoughts. He is too close with Hikaru. Way too close. The real one would have never allowed this. And it should be Yoshiki’s responsibility to prevent anything wrong from happening.
But at the end of the day, Hikaru climbs next to Yoshiki in his bed. And Yoshiki can’t tell him to go away. Hikaru clings against him so nicely.
“I know we shouldn’t, but I really like that feelin' when you touch my insides,” Hikaru whispers, making Yoshiki want to shut him up. He can’t talk like that.
But he is not the only one.
“Too bad we can never do it again. But… you know there are other ways to feel nice?”
“Like what?”
“Like this,” Yoshiki says and strokes Hikaru’s hair, making him instantly lean against his touch.
"Would ya like that too?" Hikaru asks and reaches to do the same for him. Yoshiki does in fact enjoy Hikaru's fingers in his hair. Even when it reminds of him of all the comments about the said hair.
Hikaru parts his bangs and brushes them away, so that Yoshiki isn't hiding behind them anymore. "I know you hate hearin' this, but ya should cut them short. You are really handsome and you are hidin' it."
Yoshiki gets flustered when Hikaru compliments him. It's not the first time, but it's still hard to get used to. He does kind of hate his hair, but he feels safe hiding. It's the only way he knows.
"I dunno."
"Lemme cut them."
"Never again."
Yoshiki gets a reminded by a memory of them when they were younger and Hikaru tried to cut Yoshiki's hair. It was a catastrophe.
Hikaru grins and chuckles a little. For a moment Yoshiki forgets that he wasn't there, not really. But it doesn't matter. Yoshiki can love him and what he has now and still cherish the memory of his best friend at the same time.
Hikaru places his head on Yoshiki's chest. Yoshiki keeps stroking his hair while Hikaru pulls his hand away, only to start caressing Yoshiki's arm.
"Does this feel good too?"
The feather-light touches of Hikaru's fingertips cause a rather ticklish but still pleasant sensation.
"Yeah."
Yoshiki could fall asleep now. His eyes feel heavy and he blinks, trying to fight against his body from closing them. He wants to stay in this moment forever. It's simple and yet so meaningful. Yoshiki has forgotten most of his guilt for now. He has reached a state of happiness, a bubble of ignorance towards anything else than this. Yoshiki should be worried of so many things, but right now he can't focus on a single negative thing.
"Good. I want ya to be happy all the time," Hikaru whispers in his ear.
Maybe he could be. As long as he has Hikaru, maybe nothing else really matters.
"I want the same for you," Yoshiki admits.
"I'm happy as long as I can be with ya."
It sounds too easy, too perfect and yet it's everything Yoshiki wants. So instead of freaking out, he accepts it and just pulls Hikaru even closer against himself.
"I'll be with you forever," Yoshiki says, not caring that it sounds a bit corny, wishful and quite likely impossible too. He wants that and so that's what he says. As simple as that.
Hikaru is quiet for a while. He keeps caressing Yoshiki's arm, getting more and more confident with it. Instead of light touches, he is now practically massaging the skin there. Maybe it soothes him. At least it has that effect on Yoshiki.
"I'll make sure of that," Hikaru mumbles.
Before Yoshiki can think too much about the meaning behind the words, he feels himself already drifting to sleep. Instead of concern or uneasiness, he feels completely at peace, maybe for the first time in his life.
Hikaru doesn't join Yoshiki immediately. For a while he keeps touching Yoshiki's arm, addicted to this new kind of intimacy. He has been waiting for times like this. Yoshiki has always been so wary of any kind of touching between them. Hikaru remembers the exact day when even the playful fights they used to have as kids turned more cautious. Maybe because the person Yoshiki used to be with didn't approve it as easily as he does now. It's hard to separate his own feelings from Hikaru's. But he knows that this is what he wants now and that's what matters.
Hikaru will make sure no one comes between him and Yoshiki. He'll protect him from all the impurities and even humans if necessary. And just maybe… if they keep mixing, maybe Yoshiki won't be human either anymore. And they could actually be together, forever.
It's just a thought for now…