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The cool air blows against me, chilling my face as I stare at the gradient sky above. The distant sounds of the circus echo from away.
“Jax?” Ribbit’s squeaky and almost laughable cartoony voice asks as we lay on the cold and damp grass, the sun setting in front of us.
Not turning my head, I respond, “Yeah, Ribbit?”
“Are we gonna be friends forever?”
I scoff, “Cheesy, but whatever; I mean, yeah, I guess, for a while. Maybe not forever, but who knows? Why’da ask?”
Ribbit’s voice is shaky as she hugs her knees.
“It’s just…I don’t know. People change, and drift apart. Do you think we’ll end up like that?”
I make a tutting sound. “Ribbit, Ribbit, so paranoid, jeez.” I playfully nudge them with my elbow. “Well, I don’t know about ‘friends forever,’ but I would hope we stay close for a while. Who knows, though. For all we know, you could abstract in a week, heh,” I joke, shrugging.
We chuckle, leaning against each other as the sky fades to a soft purple.
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“R…Ribbit…buddy…this is a joke, right…? A prank?” I stare up at the multicolored glitching monstrosity in front of me. My stomach flips at the sight; you can still tell it’s Ribbit, no doubt. Half-abstracted green splotches stick out of the…thing…in front of me. Even the labored breaths that come out of the beast resemble their voice.
I laugh nervously, taking a few steps back. Ribbit follows me.
“Okay, Caine! You can change her back now! I know this is just one of your sick tricks! Listen, I-I’m sorry for whatever I did!”
Ribbit—or what’s left of them—lunges towards me, and I manage to dodge with a yelp before the static mess can reach me. I land on my back, hitting the ground hard.
“Shit…” I mumble and rub my back. I feel tears prick my eyes as I look up at my former best friend, now an unrecognizable monster.
“Ribbit…please…I-I’m sorry if I was ever too much, or if I ever made you feel bad, or lashed out, or anything! I’m sorry, okay!?” I shout the last bit, my voice cracking as it echoes throughout the circus. A few people have come to inspect the commotion, gasping and backing away.
“Yeah, yeah, just stand there, that’s fine!” I shout bitterly behind me at the bystanders, “I’m just about to fucking DIE, that’s all!”
I turn back to look up at the monster, biting my lip to hold back tears.
Ribbit leaps at me once again, and I brace myself, but the impact never comes. After a moment, I lower my arm and open my eyes to see Caine standing where Ribbit just was, his hand in a snapping pose.
“Well, that could’ve ended bad! But luckily no one got hurt! I would hate for that to happen to anyone!”
I stare at Caine in disgust.
“ ‘No one got hurt’, ey? Really? My best friend is a FUCKING monster now! You call that ‘no one getting hurt’? Or as long as we all stay loyal little pets to you, that’s fine?! Oh, we’ve had more than a few people abstract, awww man. But hey, at least I still have my obedient little puppets!”
I mock as I stand up and wave my arms around.
“Maybe you should learn to not get so attached, Jax. I’ve learned that helps you bunches! Right, Bubble? …Bubble? Where’d you go?” Caine looks around in worry.
I clench my fists and shout, “Like you’d know fucking anything about getting close with people! You’re just an AI, programmed to do the sick and twisted things you do! You don’t have feelings! You don’t understand what it’s like, to go through this HELL every single FUCKING day! What it’s like to be so fucking MISERABLE, that you don’t know how to handle it, being so NUMB that you have to inflict PAIN just to fucking FEEL something! You don’t understand any of it, not a FUCKING bit!”
Caine stares into the distance for a moment, then sternly says, “Jax, I don’t like this attitude of yours. I think you need a time out,” and snaps his fingers. Suddenly, I’m in my room on the bed, my feet dangling off the edge.
I stare at the ground, then feel hot tears stream down my face. I turn and roll into the fetal position, hugging my knees. The sobs and cries that come out of my mouth are embarrassing, but something about it is comforting. I need to be alone. Away from Caine, away from the others, away from…her. If she’s still in there. As I lay sobbing, Caine’s words ring in my ears. Eventually, I think. Maybe he’s right. I need to stop getting attached.
Fine, I think, I will stop.
I don’t need anyone.
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I lied.
God, I’m so fucking lonely.
Any chance I get of having a connection, ruined because of my stupid issues, my stupid mouth, stupid brain, stupid, stupid, so fucking stupid.
I lay on my bed, staring up at the sickly pink ceiling dotted with clouds.
I hate it.
A feeling of tiredness washes over me, and I accept it eagerly. That’s all I can handle nowadays, sleeping. I let the fog of rest enclose me.
My sleep is filled with kaleidoscopic shapes and colors, a soft jazz playing in my ears.