Chapter Text
The clock strikes past 10. It is a sunny day, and like all good workers, the agency detectives have been working since the reporting time of the office, which is 8:45. With the exception of one, of course. But, Dazai Osamu is always late, so it shouldn't be anything unusual, right?
But the day isn't an ordinary day. Kunikida seems agitated and distracted, stealing glances at the door now and then. His foot taps impatiently and apprehensively. His laptop is propped open, the cursor blinking at the half-filled paperwork. But Kunikida is not paying attention.
Why? Because it is April Fools Day.
Kyouka and Atsushi decide to approach Kunikida. Kyouka's stoic expression cannot hide her confusion.
Atsushi: (timidly) You're quite worried, Kunikida-san. Do you need some help?
Kunikida: (shakes his head, staring off into the distance) All the clowns are here, but the best jester is yet to make his appearance.
Atsushi: (taken aback by the dramatic statement) Er… Are you talking about Dazai-san?
Kunikida: (a bit annoyedly) Of course, I am. Tch, (crosses his arms and sighs irritatedly) I bet he's taking his time on purpose. I bet he wants me to lower my guard and then he'll pop up from the darkness like a deranged jack-in-a-box.
Atsushi: (cocks head to the side) Why will Dazai-san do that on this specific day?
Kunikida: (gives a look of disbelief, as if the answer is obvious) Are you pulling my leg or something? Why wouldn't he target me? He loves to make me miserable—” (realises that the two are completely at sea because this is their first April Fools in the Agency) Ah. Do you know the date today?
Atsushi: The date? Er, it's the first of April.
Kunikida: And do you know the significance of April first?
Atsushi: (blinks, absolutely lost) No, not really.
Kunikida: (raises an eyebrow) You don't know what happens on April first?
Atsushi: (shakes his head slowly, feeling stupid with every passing second) No…?
Kunikida: (looks at Kyouka expectantly) And you?
Kyouka: (usual flat tone) It's April Fools Day as far as I know.
Kunikida nods, and Atsushi goes ‘ohhh’. Atsushi averts his gaze. He has never celebrated April Fools before. It isn't a significant event that he would have learnt about it in the orphanage. He has only ever heard of it. Maybe the kids used to play pranks on each other? Maybe, maybe not. He wouldn't have known because he was locked down inside his cage with complete isolation most of the time. He can feel the memories returning. He does not want to burden others, so he focuses on the conversation rather than the blurry images of his childhood he spent in captivity.
Kyouka: (curiously) What’s so special about April Fools Day?
Kunikida: (eyes darken momentarily) What’s special is that this is not just any day of chaos.
Yosano: (chimes in, having overheard their conversation) This is the day of perfectly crafted chaos~ (Her smile stretches with sadistic excitement.)
Ranpo: (drawls) Yup!~ It's the day when Dazai tends to go aaaall out.
Naomi (giggles amusedly, perched on Tanizaki’s lap) It is our resident clown’s favorite day~
Kenji: (is lost in his own world as he talks to his precious potted plants)
Kunikida: (irritably) What’s worse is that I have to clean up all the mess.
Yosano: (chuckles quietly) Honestly, Kunikida-kun, you should get used to cleaning up after him.
Ranpo: (teases in a musical tone) Yeah, Mr Responsible One.
Kunikida: (sternly) I don't want to enable Dazai's antics. Also, why do I have to get used to cleaning his messes?
Tanizaki: Well, you are the best at it—(squeaks nervously when Kunikida's neck snaps towards him)
Kunikida: (adjusts his square-framed spectacles sharply) I want him to realise that he can't just keep counting on me to mop up after him.
Atsushi: (nods understandingly and gives him a sympathetic look) I get that, but I don't think that will happen in a million years.
Yosano laughs and Kunikida sighs deeply. He is about to say something when the door opens. Everyone stiffens, especially Kunikida. Only one person is missing in the office. So either the person coming in is Dazai, or a client.
Kunikida doesn't even have to look. The sound of footsteps is enough to tell him that it is Dazai's deceivingly polished shoes hitting the polished floor.
Dazai: (calm, musical tone) Hello, everyone~ So sorry for being late.
Kunikida: (blinks and thinks to himself) What’s with that voice?
Dazai walks in with an energetic and confident spring in his step, quite unlike his cheerful and lazy gait. His hands, instead of being stuffed in the pockets, are carding through his hair, which seems slightly longer and properly styled than his usual mop of brown hair. His jawline is just as sharp, but the soft shape of his eyes suggests a more feminine aura.
Ranpo: (thinks in surprise and curiosity) Dazai-kun has always been a confident person, but the way his body is swaying is more pronounced. His skin looks clearer. There are less bandages. His body shape is different as well.
Yosano: (thinks while rubbing her chin in contemplation) The man has always been as flat as a door. But not today. And his eyes…his eyes are brighter, shinier.
Atsushi: (thinking while wide-eyed) His demeanor is different. When has he ever looked so…serene?
As Dazai practically floats to his desk, everyone catches a whiff of lavender. How unusual, since Dazai has always emitted an odd mixture of soap, cheap cologne, gunpowder, bandages and cigarettes. Even Fukuzawa peeks out the window of his private office.
Fukuzawa: (thinking) Did Osamu-kun get a complete makeover to mess with our heads for April Fools? Either he is incredibly dedicated to his clownship, or he has decided to change himself for the better. Or maybe he is transitioning to the other gender. Still, knowing Dazai's past and his enemies, we should not take this lightly. (He catches Kunikida's eye deliberately and gives a subtle nod of command.)
Kunikida: (nods back subtly, understanding clearly the unspoken order to keep an eye on Dazai)
Dazai: (sits at his desk and crosses his legs) So! What's new today? (smiles warmly and everyone's brains short-circuit)
Naomi: (whispers to Tanizaki) What the…? Has hell frozen over or something?
Kunikida: (clears his throat) Dazai, you seem…different.
Dazai: (tilts his head innocently) Whatever do you mean? Is there something wrong with my hair?
Kunikida: No, not your hair. Well, yes, that seems different too. And your…your… (trails off uncertainly)
Yosano: …body.
Atsushi: Demeanor.
Ranpo: Your aura.
Kenji: (setting down his potted plant and finally paying attention) You look like you slept well, Dazai-san!
Dazai: (chuckles amusedly, but his voice is still different) Oh really? I don't think something like that happened though. Anyway, is there any mission for me?
Kunikida: Oh, um, yes actually. (mind snaps to work mode and he flips open his ideal notebook) You, me, Atsushi and Kyouka have to ambush a Port Mafia smuggling trade at 4:45.
Dazai: Gotcha. (Proceeds to pick up a case file and reads it calmly)
Atsushi: (blinks in disbelief) What…what are you doing?
Dazai: (looks up from the file and chuckles amusedly, eyes crinkling at the corners in a way that is strange for someone like him) What do you think I'm doing?
Atsushi: (exchanges a bewildered glance with Kyouka, looks back at him as if he has grown a second head, and mumbles dumbfoundedly) You…seem to be reading a file…
Dazai: Yeah, cuz it's my job. (Shakes his head jovially like Atsushi is the one being weird and goes back to reading)
Yosano: (notices Dazai's rare focus and whispers to Ranpo) Do you think the world is ending or something?
Ranpo: (whispers back, intrigued for once) Maybe we're in a simulation. (He watches as Dazai gets up and walks to the break room. Something clicks in him, like a puzzle piece slotting perfectly. He opens his eyes, his thoughts running fast, taking on every body movement like clues to the mystery Dazai presents today.) Or maybe...he's just throwing the greatest prank of all time.
The detectives make their way to Café Uzumaki for lunch.
Everyone gives their orders to the waitress, Belladonna. As Dazai's turn arrives, Belladonna steels herself.
Belladonna: (bracing mentally) He's going to take my hand and ask me out on his stupid double suicide date again. (Aloud) And what would you like to have, sir?
Dazai: (politely) I'll have red bean curry and rice, and for later, I'll have a slice of cheesecake as my dessert. That's all, thank you.
Belladonna: (surprised but doesn't question it) I'll get that started right away. (Walks away in relief)
Ranpo: (notices that he doesn't go for crab meat and latte as normal, and he stores his information for later)
Tanizaki: (stares at Dazai) You're... you're not gonna flirt with her today?
Dazai: (blinks a few times, as if he doesn't even know what Tanizaki is talking about. He then laughs airily.) Oh, not today, I suppose. But I must say, she is a ravishing woman.
Yosano: There's never been a day when you do not express how ravishing the waitress is. (Leans forward with a grin too wide) Are you okay, Dazai-kun? Remember, I have many ways to bring you back to normal. (Everyone else shivers.)
Dazai: (laughs lightly, not scared) Oh, Yosano-sensei, you don't have to do anything. I assure you that I am perfectly fine. Never been better, actually!
Yosano: (eyes narrow in displeasure that he is not scared of her) A bit too better. It's like you've been replaced with a doppelganger.
Dazai: (blinks innocently and then giggles) Really? Maybe I really did have a good night's sleep.
Kunikida: (skeptically) This has to be your idea of that stupid April Fools prank…
Atsushi: (whispers to Kyouka) He never giggles…
Kyouka: (whispers back with wonder and suspicion) And he looks strangely feminine too…
Dazai: (pouts childishly) I can be nice without ulterior motives, you know!
Yosano: (bursts out in laughter like he just said the greatest joke ever.)
Kunikida: (averts his gaze because he secretly finds his pout strangely cute) Ahem! (he clears his throat sharply and looks back at him sternly) Yeah right. You're the definition of ulterior motives.
Dazai: (gasps in mock disbelief and whips his head towards Atsushi) Atsushi-kun!~ Tell everyone how gracious and kind-hearted I am, pretty pleeeease!”
Atsushi: (unimpressed) So you want me to lie to them?
Dazai: (laughing a little despite acting hurt) You're supposed to be my loyal student!
Yosano: (facepalms) You can't even act properly now.
Naomi: You're laughing a lot more than usual...
Dazai: (sighs in faux resignation) No one understands me!~ (says melodramatically and breaks into giggles) God, I'm insufferable.
Tanizaki: He's giggling again...
Kunikida: (raises an eyebrow) Well someone's becoming self-aware.
Kenji: (eyes widening in realisation) Ooh, I know! He's ill!
Yosano: (with wicked glee, pulling out a scalpel from her skirt pocket) I'll gladly skip lunch for your treatment.
Dazai: (chuckles and holds his hands up) Oh, you're too kind~ I'm fine, really.
Dazai's phone rings, the tune of his favourite suicide song ringing out. He gets up, excuses himself, and skips away.
Atsushi: … I bet he had another poisonous mushroom.
Yosano: (rolls eyes) His addiction to those mushrooms is worse than Ranpo's sugar addiction.
Ranpo: (scoffs petulantly) Hey, there's nothing wrong with sugar—!
Kyouka: (quietly) … Suicidal people act weird moments before taking the permanent step… (Everyone goes dead silent.)
Naomi: (quietly, afraid) Oh…oh no…
Kenji: (frowning) He…he can't… (He stops talking, too shocked and sad to say something optimistic for once.)
Ranpo: (startles everyone by slamming a fist on the table) This can’t be right! I would have caught that myself. (looks at everyone urgently) Did anyone notice any other red flags?
Yosano: (shakes her head seriously) No, I didn’t, to be honest. Try to remember, guys. Did he give out his belongings?
Atsushi: (shakes his head frantically) He didn’t, he didn’t! I don’t want him to— (grabs Kunikida’s shoulders and shakes him) We need to do something pronto!
Kunikida: (strangely still with an unreadable expression)
Atsushi: (quiet but still panicking) K-Kunikida-san…?
Kunikida: (looks at Ranpo with so much seriousness that it makes him look scary) You said you didn’t notice anything of that sort, right?
Ranpo: Yeah I didn’t notice anything, but then again, maybe I just overlooked it. He’s always giving out red flags so it’s hard to tell when he is being, you know, seriously suicidal.
Kenji: (injecting positivity) Maybe he’s just improving and healing and stuff? Besides, he always fails his attempts.
Naomi: (agreeing with Kenji) Yeah, let’s just keep an eye on him. (whispers to Tanizaki) I feel scared. I don’t want us to lose him…
Tanizaki: (pats Naomi reassuringly)
Yosano: And if we hound him for answers, he’ll withdraw. So let’s just be casual.
Ranpo: You know what? (takes out his glasses) This calls for desperate measures.
Atsushi: (eyes widen comically with understanding) That’s right, your deduction ability will help figure out if he’s in trouble.
Ranpo: (puts on his glasses, a gush of wind making his hair blow)
Yosano: (rests her chin on her hand and thinks musingly) He’s really good at pretending to have an ability. I still don’t understand how he does it.
Naomi: (whispers to Tanizaki) I wonder what he’ll find.
Tanizaki: (whispers back) I hope it’ll be something good.
Kunikida: (gets his pen out, ready to jot down if it’s something dire)
The green glow of Ranpo's "ability" envelopes them, his glasses glinting with a shine that only Ranpo can handle and comprehend. Yosano looks on, the only one amongst the detectives who knows the truth, impressed by the effortless allure Ranpo exudes to pretend he has an ability. Ranpo's expression, which was solemn due to the grave theories behind the change in Dazai's attitude, suddenly lights up with wonder and shock as the truth is revealed. Everyone leans towards Ranpo, bracing themselves for the big reveal. The glow evaporates as Ranpo removes his glasses, his expression suddenly unreadable. Everyone is on the edge. Is the truth really that unnerving? Or is Ranpo stalling to create suspense? Just when someone is about to snap out of impatience...
Ranpo: Pfft— (burst into raucous laughter)
Kunikida: (drops his pen, startled)
Naomi: (exchanges a confused look with Tanizaki)
Ranpo: (continues laughing)
Yosano: (eye twitches) What in the world is so funny, huh?
Ranpo: (laughter dwindles slowly, tucks his glasses in the inner pocket of his cape coat)
Yosano: (crosses her arms in frustration) Are you planning on telling us anything?
Ranpo: Nope! (grins smugly, popping the ‘p’)
Atsushi: (lost and anxious) But why??
Ranpo: (shrugs casually) ‘Cuz paranoia is entertaining to watch.
Kunikida: (sharply) So that means there's nothing to worry about?
Tanizaki: I guess so.
Kenji: (smiling brightly) See? There was nothing to worry about!
Kyouka: So there's some other reason for Dazai-san’s out-of-character behaviour?
Naomi: (scoffs, grumpy that she's being kept in the dark) A reason that cracked up our resident genius, apparently. Can't you spill the tea?
Ranpo: (drawls boredly) Figure it out on your own. You can take your time.
Kunikida: I guess there's nothing to worry about then.
Yosano: (deadpan) I am so not getting you a soda bottle today.
Ranpo: (pouts) Hey! That's uncalled for.
Yosano: (smirks) Maybe you should've been more cooperative.
Ranpo: (wagging a finger with mock sternness) I can't just hand-feed you answers. Put on your thinking cap. You guys are detectives too.
Yosano: The only thing I'll put is my foot up your—
Dazai: (suddenly appearing) Hey!~
Atsushi: (gets startled and tries different poses frantically to appear natural. He finally sits with one elbow propped against the cushioned booth and his head resting against that hand—a completely unnatural position for him.) Hey there~ (He says in a high-pitched unnatural voice.)
Kyouka: (facepalms at Atsushi's actions)
Kunikida: (scans Dazai up and down) Who was calling you? (He asks suspiciously.)
Dazai: (plops down on the barstool gracefully, smirking confidently) Just one of my fangirls.
Atsushi: (deadpan) So you were talking to an imaginary woman?
Dazai: Oh, don't aim your sass at me, Atsushi-kun! Whatever will I do to recover from your sharp tongue! (dramatically leans onto Yosano as if fainting)
Yosano: (pushes him away with no hesitation)
Dazai: (gasps as if scandalised) The betrayal!
Naomi: (whispers to Tanizaki) Now he's back to normal...
Tanizaki: (whispers back) Maybe he's trying to drive us insane for his April Fool's prank?
Kunikida: (staring at Dazai, thinking mentally) Whatever is going on, it better not interfere in our mission later on. (glare intensifies) Or else…
Hours pass in a flurry of activity. Kunikida, Dazai, Atsushi and Kyouka are in the middle of the mission. Actually, they are about to complete the mission, but they don't think that the mission is about to be completed. The thought can lower adrenaline, which leads to relaxation and unguardedness. They cannot afford to put their guard down till they reach the safety of their headquarters. Even then, they are cautious just in case some people like the Black Lizards try to capture their territory.
They are tying up the Port Mafia's low-ranking workers who were bringing in the transported illegal weapons. Kunikida is assessing the amount of illegal goods while Kyouka and Atsushi round up the unconscious men. And of course, Dazai is just goofing around, getting a bit too close to the sea at the other side of the port.
Suddenly, one man gains consciousness and immediately tackles Kyouka. Kyouka is an extraordinary girl who can manage this on her own, but before she can, Dazai comes out of nowhere and kicks the man's ass. He grabs his wrist bruisingly tight and pins it behind his back.
Man: (screams in agony)
Dazai: (an amused smirk) Thought it'd be that easy, huh? (Hits the back of the man's head and knocks him out. He tosses the limp body to Kyouka's feet.)
Atsushi: (amazed) Woah, where did that come from?
Dazai: (raises an eyebrow with a huff of laughter) What do you mean?
Kunikida: (with a piercing gaze) What he means is why you're suddenly pulling punches like it's nothing.
Dazai: (groans exaggeratedly) Y’all are the ones always whining and moaning about me not helping. (Smirks lazily) I'd like some action too, y’know?
Kunikida: (doubtfully) You? You would like some action? You're the kind to either watch the action with a bucket of popcorn or get punched in the face for fun.
Dazai: (shrugs) Well, surprise, surprise~ I can have the desire to punch people too. Not gonna lie, that was fun.
Atsushi: (chuckles in disbelief) Your idea of fun is lying on the ground and pretending to be dead.
Dazai: (gasps and puts a hand on his chest dramatically) Such a crude description of me! I have standards! I would want to lie on the comfortable couch of our beloved agency, and then comfortably manifest death upon my beautiful vessel and freedom upon my tortured soul.
Kyouka: (murmurs to herself) Now he's back to normal again…
Atsushi: (hands fly up to his hair, ruffling hysterically) This is madness!
Dazai: (spins round and round) Kunikida-kun, you gotta hurry up before I drown myself for realsies~
Kunikida: (deadly calm) Keep this up and I'll drown you myself.
Dazai: (fakes a shiver) Oh so scary~!
???: Knock it off, glasses. You're just making that bloody masochist horny.
Kunikida: (whirls around, offended at that nickname)
Kyouka: (groans internally at more drama) I'd better get a crêpe after all this…
Atsushi: (on high alert)
Dazai: (recognising that voice, heart skipping a beat, spinning around, the tail of his coat blowing and nearly smacking Kyouka in the face.) You!
Kyouka: (dodges the coat tail) … I hate everything.
Chuuya: (standing on top of the boat, wind blowing through him with a sense of animosity and grace) Well, well, well~ If it isn't the good guys. (Looks up, his hat finally lifting off his face, revealing his sharp features and heterochromatic eyes) You think you'll get away with this that easily?
Kunikida: (whispers to Dazai from the corner of his mouth) You didn't tell me that he was guiding the operation from their side.
Dazai: (puts up his hands in a nonchalant shrug) Must've slipped my mind. He's not that scary to me, after all.
Chuuya: (overhears that and shouts) What did you say, you motherfucker?
Dazai: (whistles lowly) You kiss your girl with that mouth?
Kunikida: (confused) What is that supposed to mean…?
Chuuya: (eyes narrow at Dazai’s audacity to bring her up) Huh?? I oughta punch you all the way to your grave.
Dazai: (smirks in anticipation) Why don't you get down here first? Or are you that desperate to be taller than me?
Chuuya: (snarls in irritation) Take this, you damn beanpole! (Leaps towards Dazai, his body elegantly twirling in the air to deliver a powerful kick)
Dazai: (effortlessly blocks the ferocious kick with his arms, his body stepping back to counter the impact)
Chuuya: (eyes widen in shock and incredulity but he quickly recovers to aim a punch at Dazai's face, which he doesn't see is not the usual smirking face)
Dazai: (grabs the aimed fist and brings Chuuya closer)
Atsushi: (jaw drops in amazement) Dazai-san blocked the attack!? And not just any attack, Chuuya-san’s attack?!?
Kunikida: (confused as to why Dazai is suddenly so good in combat)
Kyouka: (flat expression falling apart) What is even happening anymore…?
Chuuya: (staggers as he struggles to accept what is happening) What the… (His gaze suddenly sharpens as he takes in Dazai's expression)
Dazai: (leans forward and invades Chuuya's personal space, but there is something soft and affectionate but also teasing in his gaze, the scent of lavender and soap permeating his nostrils) Shocked? (His voice is soft and slightly high-pitched, unlike his raspy one
Chuuya: (gasps softly, the shorter height, soft features, curvy body, and body scent slotting into place like puzzle pieces in his mind) You… you… (He trails off in shock, his face burning)
Kunikida: (feels a twinge of jealousy but stamps it down) What is going on here? (His demand for answers falls on deaf ears. Dazai and Chuuya are strangely lost in each other.)
Dazai: (teasingly but unusually softer) Cat got your tongue?
Chuuya: (stammers, becoming redder) Y-you little—
Kyouka: (goes to Atsushi and pulls the sleeve of his shirt gently like a child) Can this day end already?
Atsushi: (pats Kyouka reassuringly)
Chuuya: (slowly takes a step forward out of instincts but then quickly pulls his hand back and leaps away, forcing himself to calm down) Fuck, there are other people here. I can't talk to her here. (Aloud) Tch. I'll deal with this later. (Walks away frustratedly, completely forgetting his actual mission, the tip of his ears still burning.)
Kunikida: (bewildered) Wait… He's letting us arrest his men and seize the goods?
Dazai: (turns around to face them) He sure is~
Kyouka: (whispers in Atsushi's ear) We shouldn't trust him.
Atsushi: (whispers back) By ‘him’, do you mean Dazai-san?
Kyouka: (eyes narrow dangerously) He is not Dazai-san.
Atsushi: (a shiver runs down his spine)
The group return to the agency. Most detectives are packing up to call it a day. Some are grabbing gear for their all-nighter mission. Kunikida goes straight to Ranpo to discuss the Dazai situation.
Kunikida: Ranpo-san, we need to talk.
Ranpo: (shoves chips in his mouth while watching TV) Is it about him?
Kunikida: Yes, it is. I have something to report.
Ranpo: (too unbothered to look at him) Go on.
Kunikida: The Port Mafia executive Nakahara Chuuya acted strangely around Dazai this evening.
Ranpo: (thinks, curious) Okay, that's news to me. (Aloud) Strangely? What did he do?
Kunikida: He stopped fighting, just stared at Dazai, and then just left. Like we ambushed his men during the mission but after seeing Dazai, he just decided not to give a damn about his men or the goods.
Ranpo: (goes quiet as he absorbs this new information)
Yosano: (comes up with her work bag) You still haven't packed up, Ranpo-san? (Notices his contemplation) What's up?
Kunikida: I noticed another strange thing around Dazai. Say, you wouldn't happen to know about any relationship Chuuya is in?
Naomi: (pops up out of nowhere, sensing gossip) Relationship?
Kunikida: (used to Naomi's gossiping nature around anything related to romance) Yes, Dazai said something about a girl and Chuuya.
Yosano: (curious) Huh. A Port Mafia executive in love is unheard of. They're practically allergic to love. (Shrugs as she thinks about the possibilities) I mean, he's got truckloads of cash, probably living in a penthouse, owns luxury cars, outfits, and he is renowned for being an avid wine collector. Girls would be all over him, as long as they don't care about the one giant red flag that he's in the freaking mafia.
Naomi: But there hasn't been any rumor as far as I know…
Yosano: I don't know anything either. Chuuya is too much of a workaholic to seek out romance—at least according to my knowledge.
Haruno: (opens the door and comes rushing, panting hurriedly) Everyone—attention, everyone—!
Naomi: (frowns and immediately runs to her mentor and best friend) Haruno-san? What happened? Are you okay?
Fukuzawa: (comes out of his office, not appreciating the sudden shift in the atmosphere)
Kunikida: (steps forward with an air of responsibility) Please remain calm and start from the top—
Haruno: (points shakily at Dazai, terrified) There's—there’s someone here to visit us.
Dazai: (tilts his head innocently) Er, why am I being pointed at?
Just then, someone enters. Gasps and murmurs of shock and puzzlement ripple through the room. The person holds up his hands placatingly. Atsushi looks between Dazai and the newcomer…
…because the newcomer is also Dazai.
A/N: The oc is inspired by the first doodle I made after watching bsd which was of fem Dazai. I looked at the doodle again this month and thought of this fic.